There's gotta be something more than this.
For the past few days I catch myself whispering this
A daydream
You're next to me
Your smile still looks the same
You smile only when your genuinely happy
I know its real
I've always loved that about you
Your hands lay in my lap
Our legs against each other
I look at you
There's gotta be something more than this
I tell you how there must be
I squeeze your hand tight
Knowing that I would have to hold it tight if I wanted to keep it
We stare out into the ocean until the daydream becomes faint
A daydream
The one that enters my mind when I'm alone
I whisper
There's gotta be something more than this
but you see there isn't
My name only comes to your mind when your phone screen reads my text
Your smile is just a moment
It came, it went
And perhaps this daydream is just the thing I wish I would have told you when I felt us drift
Almost 2 years ago now
I don't know if that makes me crazy
Obsessive
Tender hearted
Or just someone that really, truly loved you
After all this time I can't ******* believe it's still you
There's gotta be something more than this.

I'm scrambling trying to find the pieces
And I would like to say a few things
1)  I'm sorry
I start to see the fear of what made me
What made me will break me
I carry this familiarity like a knife to my skin
And I'm scrambling to fill the bleeding holes with the very things that Caused them to bleed
I am thoroughly convinced I could destroy an entire city with my hands
Which brings me to point two
2) Don't take it personally if I stay three steps away when you come close
I'm a ticking tomb in a building that starts to burn when I crumble
My mind is the building
Every story
Every window
A part of the person I used to be
3) I don't want to die
I still can't figure out if the building is the people I love
Or if it's myself
But It  burns just the same
I don't want to die

Words carved on the bedroom desk in a mental hospital

- My path is oblivious
- You are not alone anymore
- I still have my blade
- Dont cry
- My ex made me insane
- Some can't be saved
- I need to talk to Austin! My anxiety is acting up!
- I insert heart *****
- Better off dead
- Stay Strong
- I'm ******
- We're even, 911
- Bella insert heart
- I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up
- I choose death
- Smile, you're beautiful
- I'll never tell
- God will show you the path
- **** those who said they'd always be here for me!
- Dear people, don't do this *******
- Get me out of here, I feel trapped
- Life's complicated
- **** this system!
- Why can't she love me like she used to? I insert heart Anaquin
- God is heal
- Him insert heart
- Her insert heart
-  You don't need someone else to make you happy
- It gets better
- We're not even
- **** your faith
- Sometimes I feel like no one understands
- I'm gay
- Nero Michelle Granillo + Mario Jonathan Larios 12•06•13
- I'm scared
- Let it be 11-23-13
- Help me get out
- You're pretty
- Eat me out
- I like your face
- Tired
- My taste in music is your face
- I've been here 2 weeks
- I want out
- Stay strong
- I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain


At the time these words comforted me and brought me closer to something. I felt closer to peace the more I wrote. I'll never know the people who wrote these things or why I wrote them down nearly three years ago and decided to write about it publicly now but I do know who carved the last one. Stay strong, time will give you peace.

Her fingers tangled up in someone else
The same fingers that drew a line
A line I tried so desperately to cross
The difference between
Loving her
And being loved by her
Her eyes
Once steadied on me
Closed shut
Yet it was me who could no longer see
Her face
Disfigured by distance
Distance in her wants
And in my love
A face that lived so often in my head
I could reach inside of me and touch it
Unrecognizable
Nothing left to show
Her fingers
Her eyes
Her face

Fading

The string of you was wrapped around me so tight that I was no longer able to
feel the skin underneath it
Every time the string would come loose I would reach out and pull it closer
closer and closer and closer until my body turned purple
And when the string started to snap I found some yarn
I found some time in the silence and I spent it on one single thing; a plan
Ways to keep the string pressed against my skin and around my wrist
Yarn, tape, glue, double knots, braided string
Anything to keep you tangled around me
And when the string began wrapping around my mouth silencing me I nodded
approval
When the string found its way towards my neck I breathed through you
instead of through me
Still I watched the string come undone one thread, one laugh, one memory
one tear at a time
I reached for you as you floated away
I stood on my toes, I found a ladder
But like a balloon carried by the wind, you became smaller and smaller
And though I could still see you floating, I saw you as a
speck, one hint of yellow in the sea of blue within the clouds
And I realized as you became smaller that I had been mistaken
I held the string in my hands
And I realized your strings had never touched me, I wound them around myself
By the time I looked up at the sky again
you had already disappeared

I press my lips to the bottle
I wonder what it would be like to press them against yours
Something tells me that even though your lips arent poison like the alcohol
I'd still wake up the next morning with the sinking in my chest
The terrible feeling in my gut
Not from the hangover but from the fact that I know
If I had had the chance to kiss you once
One time would never be enough

Let me get one thing clear; I don't cut myself for attention.
I cut myself to release all the unspoken words that float around my head like torn up pieces of psalms in the wind
the blade is my psalm
It is the scripture I imprint on my skin
Every drop of blood is a prayer
A prayer that one day I won't find the color red, the color of my life, to be the only color that sticks around
The color I find in my sink and on my skin
It is my religion
I talk to God but he doesn't talk
The blade talks
Talks when I cant stand to look in the mirror
It talks when I stand alone in a room full of people
It talks when I can't think about anything other than my next high
It talks when I can't get out of bed on the weekends when everyone else around me can't sit still
The blade is my religion
And if this is religion maybe God doesn't exist

When she died a part of you did too

His voice that rang like shimmering church bells
Fell oceans deep
A  water well
In the darkness of what was
Broken little pieces
From up above
Departed; Leaving
Stories retold
Smiles retrieving

When the skies are blue
I'll look for you

Some call it depression
But I like to think of my parents as dancers
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
They come together
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
They drift apart
Making eye contact the whole time
Some days Dad takes the lead
Starting slow
Staring out into nothing
Maybe it's for a second
A second is okay right?
A second becomes minutes
I watch his mouth
His eyes
For some movement
And nothing
A steady gaze
A graceful dancer
The music speeds up and so does he
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
His jaw tightens
His fists clench
His voice shakes
As if he's scared
Scared of his own ability to destroy
Like a strike of a match
Or a shot of a gun
Slowly the music fades
He watches his moves carefully
Letting the music guide his last step
Holding his hand steady in front of him
Lending the floor to Mom
She touches the dance floor
Suddenly, rapidly
Making her way to the spotlight
Mom never cared for slow music
Swift movements
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
Faster and faster as the beat picks up
Lifting her head up towards the sky
And down towards the ground rapidly
Using her fists as hammers
Against anything closest to her
Doors
Cabinets
Counters
Her eyes move just as fast as her feet
Losing direction
Her voice gets louder
Louder and louder
Until it cracks away to silence
All or nothing
The music stops
And so does she
Voices become muffled
Almost as if no one is talking at all
Call her name a few times
She'll hear you then
Speak up if that doesn't work
She'll give you a gaze
Mom and Dad love dancing
Some will say my parents are depressed
But my parents are just dancers

When you have a broken brain?
The cracks in my brain keep tripping me up.
I keep falling through them.
I jump over the cracks
And right when I think I've mastered the pattern and learn to jump over them at the right time or run at the right angle to successfully leap
I trip again and fall
I fall in slow motion
The world I know, the people, the sounds
become a dandelion in the wind, every little piece breaks apart
Floating from me
I search for some place to hold onto as I fall further and further from what I know
But my hands are tied and my eyes are closed
I pray, I pray, I pray
But when it comes down to it, I'm just talking to myself

When we met I built you a garden in my heart
This way I could pick you a flower every time you needed it
I sent you flowers when your bed felt too big for one
I sent you flowers when I missed your voice
I sent you flowers when your tears sung you to sleep
I sent your flowers when small things made me think of you
I picked
I picked
I picked
I picked until there was nothing left of my flowers
But the roots from which they grew

I'll be sure to send you a vase next time
Because at least you will think of me
The next time someone else sends you flowers

"Ok but can someone love me like this please."
An instagram post.
A post about the kind of love everyone hopes to have someone feel towards them.
A post that talks about how when you meet her you'll want her all to  yourself
how you love her laugh
how she'll always tell you how she is feeling even though she likes to deal with things on her own
she'll make you smile when she walks in a room.
That's *******
I loved you in a different way
A way that was too deep to ever write on instagram
A way where the beat of my heart pounded hard enough
To make me feel like it was going to break through my skin Whenever you got close enough to me for me to reach out and put My fingers on your face
My heart became my body
Pumping through every part of me
I loved you so much that I would think about your lips as i kissed my (ex) girlfriends
I loved you so much I drank until I was passed out on the sidewalk in my own **** and *****
Why?
Because  I couldn't accept the fact I will never feel you next to me
I loved you so much I ignored everyone else when they told me you would never be mine
I put my love for you ahead of the truth
I smiled when you told me you ****** someone
Because even though my heart felt like it broke more and more every time i took a breath
I wanted you to be happy and if he made you happy
I'll take the pain
I loved you so much
That I wrote your name over and over on a piece of paper until you couldnt even decipher the word I had written because it filled the entire page and more
I loved you so much that even though I still wanted to die
I regretted trying to **** myself because it meant I had to be in a mental hospital and I couldn't talk to you
I loved you so much that I would stay up a little later after you fell asleep to hear you breathing over the phone
Just so i could smile even while knowing I will never hear that same breathe next to me in bed
I loved you so much.
My love for you was not put in an instagram post
Because it was not beautiful
It was real

The moon held me close
And only in her arms could I see what I want
She dipped her limbs into the ocean
I kissed the water
I dove forward into the sea of solitude
Only to find myself in the reflection of her ripples
I reached for her when the street lamps would speak
When their lights would guide the way
I collapsed in her arms
And she would carry me
The stars were my stepping stones
And my heart kept the pace
She took my tears and sent them to the clouds
She walked me through the places that perished
And held me on the other side
When skies grew dark
She would greet me
And it was only in the dark that I could see her staring back at me

i lay beneath the ice
my hands graze the top of the ice inches away from the surface
and i reach for a place to grab and steady myself but the slippery ice wont allow my hands to stay steady
i pound on the ice gulping water with every effort to escape
i scream hoping the sounds of my voice would free me from the cold but the ice is too thick
i scratch and kick at the ice and every time i think im getting somewhere i realize im sinking further and further away from the surface
the screams in my throat become bubbles in my chest

Sadness comes
I look the other way
I find peace in the places where the light creeps in
Because even shattered windows are better
Than ones that have been boarded up
I find myself in a room without lights
No switches, no bulbs, no windows
I bleed from the glass I attempt to push through
The glass of a mirror
The glass of a window
I'm stumbling in the dark
My skin
Too fragile to fight against the edges
I lay buried in the dark
So long that I'm no longer able to see my hand
See the window pane
See the hope
I tell myself that light will come
Over and over until the words in my head
Spill out of my mouth and into the walls I can no longer see
I've seen the light before
I've held it as my hands bled
I buried it in the deepest parts of me
It was during these nights
When the light would cradle me
I could sleep at night
And step forward without falling
But by morning the light was gone
I guess someone else needed it more than I did

I crave fire
My chest ignites the flame
The desire to burn
What belongs to me; My life
My feet carry me through the flames
A flame for every regret
Every prayer that went out my mouth
Just to fall at my feet
I will pour gasoline on every floor board
And wipe the dust of the footsteps
Of the people that stood still
I will turn my pain into a pile of ashes
And cradle it in my hands
To feel what it is to hold my pain
Instead of letting it hold me
I will let the light of the fire guide me out of the shambles
And to a place where my name exist only in my head
Where the smoke that will paint the sky
Will come out of my lungs
And the flames that swallowed the sorrow
Will flicker in my eyes

For what it is worth
I saw the light in you
I tried to find ways to tell you this
But I realize now that the light I saw
Was just a hope that you would see it too

cover me in my favorite colors, paint me at my best angles. learn me for not as I am but who I wish to see. To know the real me would let you see there is nothing of me except fantasy

Someone in between
My reflection stares back at me
My face is painted with the word "but"
I spoke truth and love softly
But those that spoke loudest were heard first
Perhaps I'll never feel whole
A face drawn with ink
Almost art
But the rain smeared the image
A girl that was pretty
But only when she was sculpted to be what others wanted to see
Someone in between

I look around me
I find myself in a graveyard
There are people walking aimlessly
The way they walk
The way they talk
Makes me wonder if I too am dead
Their eyes robbed from light
Pulled, plucked by a bird without wings
Their lips
That once danced with smiles and anticipation
pulled down by the weight of their regrets
Their legs
That could once carry them to everything they could dream
Shaking with every step
I watch them tiptoe as if they are playing hide-and-seek
Hide-and-seek with the things that led them here perhaps
I look around me longer
And realize that I know their faces
I wander, I wander, I wander
Until the names of these faces are before me
They are etched in stone
I find myself in front of a line of tombstones
Lined up like broken soldiers waiting for their fate
I read the names of every person I know out loud
Until I can no longer mutter a word
I need to find my way out of here
Before I wonder too long
And find the tombstone with MY name on it

A pretty girl smiled at me
I looked away
I find myself in this position often
Life--
Begging me to make the first move
To say something
To call first
To stop standing there
I hear life in my ear
"The phone works two ways you know!"
But I never dial
One girl
One smile
A moment that could of ended just as a began
Or a moment that could have lasted a life time
I'll never know

I'll never know...
I'll never know...
I'll never know...

I want to know...
I want to know...
I want to know...

...What it's like to live
To try---
To smile back

I see now that you never loved me
Even now I think
You try to believe you still can
one day--
Love me

But my love for you was like a flower
Several little petals
The kind that
If the wind blew,
Would float away

It wasn't the kind of flower you usually shopped for
But it was beautiful enough

So you put the flower on display
One that took up enough space
So that you noticed it everyday

you never loved me
you loved the way I made you see

Yourself

And on days you needed to love yourself
You plucked a petal
You gathered them in a glass box

But when the glass was full
It broke

And when there was nothing left
But an ugly stem--

You never plucked again