The truth is that I am scared, scared that one touch will pull the last string keeping me at the edge. I was numb for so long, until I reached new heights of pain. It is scary to think that most people who've experienced tiny a portion of what I go through did not make it. I am scared my will has become faint and foggy, clouding my intent, with every step feeling like it is my last. I am scared to love, I am scared to live, I survive because I don't know anything else to do, I smile to reveal my pain but no one is listening. A facade tamed, you are looking yet you can't see

I am not okay! But If I were to start now and tell you how I feel, I would stutter and  find no words sufficient enough to articulate the feelings, accumulated over the years. I have been strong for far too many years, my sanity is under involuntary control...it feels as if I am one touch away from derailment. If I fall now, would you catch me or would you let me be the victim of your lips as laughter fills your mouth...

The dream so vague yet vividly
Reoccurring untill in focus.
And there you are
Your face
Your shades
Your smile
and you spoke.
The sound of your voice, nautical across my spine
Quelling the day's toils in my mind.

But now acutely awake
still wanting to be hear your voice
still wanting to see your enchanting beauty.
It's a shame hands of a dreamer grasps only air.

A dream surreal
A manifesto of emotions follows
Tears running down my cheeks
My frail heart echoes in this tiny room
If I keep my eyes closed, will I see your face again
An attempt is made; eyes shut

But the sun awakens, burns the dream
I awake in fear, shock and scream
Will I ever see your face again?
My anguish, heard from miles
Birds uncomfortably take their wings
Fleeing the terror of my bawls
My life...Is but an intangible dream
Slowly disintegrating.

A facade, it was
Spoken words with no meaning
Movement with no intent
We lied to keep the smiles
Atleast we tried
Caressed and teased
With hollowed hearts
And broken minds
We ignored the errors of love
While chasing butterflies
Our doom came so swiftly

Even with my eyes closed
I can still see the pain in my own eyes
My mind gives out,
A reflection of me I can not dismiss
Brittle it was, shards it became
Dreams no longer offer the embrace as before

Each passing day, life seems a little less meaningful than before, I no longer make an effort to take a breath. If it be my last, let it be. Every effort has ceased, I've become as hollow as I can get, scrapped the bottom of the barrel; trying to find the hardest way to make my easiest exit, being among the living is agony

His quietness, was his roar.
Echoes of broken words combined within.
Even the deaf were silenced with no gesture.
The room shook from within,
Taking it all in,
Grasping that he could not be loved.

Am having to rethink everything, it's been years since your passing and in failing to deal with the pain I've let myself believe that I would never be the same being I was before I knew you. I've let the misery of your departure take control and watched myself as I fall into a pit of depression, one manic decision after another has led me to a disastrous life. I miss you with all that I am and I wish you never had to go away and leave me alone. It feels strange now that am finally reimagining who I am without you.

The very air I breath, feels so rushed, raw and unfiltered. I wish you were here with me by side to witness my desperate grasp for air. Maybe you could offer your hand and a gentle kiss to sooth my fears and caress my demons to their slumber. Speak to me in our native tongue, play our tune and dance till our feet come off. Your absence is the presence of fear, fear to lose you, fear loose myself; without you to catch me as I fall. So far, I have been holding my smile together, but really any dummy could read the troubles in my eyes. I miss you; I miss you now.

The chime of the red flags kept on banging.
Ignorance became the vehicle for my demise
The lines were just too fine not to cross
Her word was the seduction
The laughs, the smile, the curves
All too good to believe that she could be mine
I fell for the beauty, a facade
The charms, the kindness, the love
The chime still bangs, though the tune has changed.
To another lover she belongs.

I convinced myself that I will be able to fall in love without holding on too tightly or giving it my all, yet I am here in the familiar state of emotions that I have found myself in time and time again. Once again I have laid down all my feelings and left out the fundamentals of starting a new relationship, even though I could read the signs. I chose to ignore them, well’ that's my way of falling in love. I lose grip of myself, my values, my standards and for a moment I allow myself to get carried away in a string of emotions and let you pull.

I should've given myself time to heal from the beginning, but really it's hard to think of healing at the time when you are falling and it's made worse when the scars cannot be seen by the naked eye or can easily be hidden with a dash of smile.

I sit here with my thoughts mixed up, not sure whether I am thinking of you or it's just the sorry I feel for myself. I look up the sky and wonder how the **** did i end up here? I've met so many before you and yet I don't seem to have taken any lesson from all the hurt ive been through. Should i continue to feel sorry for myself or should i keep waiting for the stars to align themselves as i wait for you to come back.

What does a man need to possess in order to be considered worthy of your time, i'll give you my time, will that be enough for you to at least give me half of yours. If i said ‘hi darling’ could you at least say hi back. Give me the satisfaction that I have not just wasted a precious second of my life without any yield. Just give me the satisfaction, even if it meant your response was the end of our conversation for good.

I sit here and I wonder, what am I doing wrong, have I been born ahead of my time that I missed my chance to meet my soulmate? I scramble around chasing wind and falling on air. The gentle winds of the south have become so harsh to my calm introverted world. Where do I go now, my zone of solitude no longer gives me any comfort, I can't escape or walk away from the thought of you.

A piece of me is gone
Scattered with memories
Lustful and dreadful
At times I loose my self
Deep within myself
Searching for a piece I once had
Now scattered in unfamiliar places
The more I dig deep
The more I get broken into shards
Am not made of glass
Nor is it the element of being
Not fragile but broken
Am only human

Taring my temple apart and laying it down at your feet. Emotions, heartaches, anger, happiness, love, desires all laid down in simpler paragraphs. Giving you my final chapter for your last chance to understand me.

Your unwillingness to let go of some people, makes me think I should have someone to hold on to, I know you love me and I believe that, but you've also given me reasons to believe that I am not enough to be the only one for you. I know I don't have anything, I know these days to simply say I love you doesn't cut it anymore, but at the moment I apologise that I love you' is the only thing I have to give, I don't have money or any materialistic items other than myself. You've shown me by your actions that you need more than just words and a mortal heart, perhaps one day I will have all you need so you can be mine...

We don't need a song to mark our love, for as long as you at my sight, my heart will always dance

...last night.
The memories of my childhood.
The alarms it brought up
are simply non dismissable

Pictures of my childhood years
Flashed right before my eyes.
And there she was
The most beautiful creature I've ever seen
My rock, the pillar of my strength,
The woman I adore, my mother, my only father.

She had in her hand the meal of the day
My favorite, cooked to perfection,
My buds melted with the aroma
And yes she dished just the way I always liked it
Just a little bit more than what my brothers had.

These memories, I can not dismiss.

I have seen so many rainbows in my lifetime, shining bright and vividly across the blue African skies. True sights to behold, that has many in awe, yet the beauty of it's colors never last. But you... you're tall tree that bends to no wind, a gentle and harsh sea full of life, each day you blossom defying every rule of nature and your beauty is unmatched and your colors never fade away.

This place has gotten me so miserable, yeah I've met wonderful characters and stringed a few. I've made reasonable friends, am sure that would make my mother proud. The memories I hold are simply unmatched, nonetheless I am not home. I feel as if my spirit refuses to settle in, my blood boils in my own silence. I just can't help the cravings of a decent conversation in my native tongue or the exotic foods undiscovered. I crave to root myself immensely in my culture, unequivocally I'll be whole again. No place like home

Every day I am a slave to the heartache and it just doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. I have learnt to be okay with it all though, simply because I have known pain from the day I was born and there has never been a better feeling I have known. I have evolved, adapted and came to piece with the facts of my story and found true happiness within my self.

Teased as you roam around in the empty spaces. My only mistake was to try and grasp your skin...sadly reality kicked in, and am back in this cluttered floors with tiny room to breath.

i miss you

In desperation and
heartaches, I
searched to find his
physical presence
until he reminded
me "I AM”

I get tired of dead voices within. For a moment I look outside my self with intentions to buffer my self-destruction only to find I am better within myself, pure in my own hurt than to open to a more dead world.

I keep thinking I'll wake up
Sadly on and on the heart drums
And the dream goes on
Or so I think

Prisoner to hope

Purely I hate, that's how much I love you. I hate the long waits just to see you again, the gentle lowveld breeze that covers your skin in the summer, the voice of your sound discipline echoing through the room every moment I woke up. I hate that the vividly image of missing you is fading away slightly. I hate the faint image of your smile, I can hardly grasp. I hate that I'm beginning to forget the sweetness of your voice. I hate purely, so much so it's an act of Love. MoM

I could have danced my loss away, but all I could do was to sample stand
and record it in my mind as it happened, sharply they took pieces of my skin
away along. There was much I could do, my mind momentarily frozen...

They all couldn't tell the sadness
Deceived by the dashing smile
I just kept it on to please them untill it pleased me and the sadness was history

Young lady gave me the look, the same one the mother gave me the previous day I walked by, I guess the hate is genetically motivated. They looked at me until I became what they were looking for. A giant being full of the melanin. I won't let my tears drop for this, am a being, I'll keep walking till I become one of them.

Its a thing of heart or mind? I would not know. I've been trying to make up my own language just so I could tell you I love you in way no one else has heard. From the day I met you, I've lost my human nature, sure am off calibration but I guess that's what it takes to love a Goddess...

Its been a year since I saw her face. I thought we would never meet again. We were never at war, only the general conflict of love. I loved how everything was, I loved the smile, the dance, the ambiance she brought into the room. A mist of love, the fragrance of happiness that I thought I would never expiriance ever again. That's until our song came softly into my eardrums, calmly I could feel her presence and touch the clouds of beauty that only I can see. If only time could spin back and forth again, maybe we would be together still.

I kept bashing my head against the walls, as I waited for your to get back to me. I was hoping that maybe I'd break through the walls and become one with. It feels no pain, it's dust; a version of me I wish to become again, just to escape it all and pain be gone.

I electrocuted my body repeatedly,yet there's no feeling at all. I can see the pain, I see the skin changes its form and pigment but no feels. I remember when I told someone close I was diagnosed with depression, i could hear the laughs in his voice.

A few days later I was next in line, awaiting my dose. And now it has happened, it just took one more dilemma and my wheels finally have came off, I am crumbling from the heat of it all but still manage to hide it so well. I just hope that when I finally fall asleep, you will miss my frail existence.

Love fails to mend my broken heart
The loneliness offers more than what love can give
I have no choice but to give in to my lonely soul
Though my heart is full of love, just not enough.
It used to grow and filled me with joy
Untill you decided to pull the plug
And die on my arms.
I try to reach in and give you my all that's left
But your walls are now fortified with the love I gave you.
How can I fight my own, I can't break in.
I am frightened to breath
I cry at the move of my blood as my veins fails to refill my emptied heart.

I am no feather to the harsh wind
I am an instrument for you heart
I am the strings, only you can pull
My melodies are mellow
With smooth streams of tears
And soulful echos of pain

At times, not always
I wish to have been a shoemaker, my design would be a size fits all. I know my style may not suit you but at least you would know how it feels to love and love then lost

The date is unknown
The day these seeds were planted.
Rooted in pain no one else could bare.
Never ending huggs from gravity
My heart is heavy
The air I breath makes me feel hollow
Maybe if I could stop breathing
Maybe then I'd feel better
But I know that would place you out of sight
I guess this is to say, "you are my reason"
You, the reason I breath

I thought of writing you a letter but after all was done I figured you wouldn't understand the background of every word I have placed in emotional order for you. I tossed it all up, along with the furniture around me. You could swear it a war zone in here, with only nature's weapons, the AKs in my arms, the grenades in my skull, ****** mirrors lay in shards. From a peaceful glance in the mirror, it started. I staring at the image with no known origins because you left and never creeped back. I fell upside down the day you decided not to look back, how can I do right when the only right I know is wrong.

It's breaks one's heart, she's so beautiful. Flawlessly mended together. But now it has happened, the media brought the voices in her head. She felt the need to shape her self to world's standards, and so it faded away. Her beauty is no more as she struggles to keep up with the ever changing world. If only she understood how beautiful she is, just the curvy way she is.

This is perfect, forget the imperfections. A picture with no single word, every time I take a deep breath I can smell the fragrance of your laughs, smiles and kisses. I am forever enticed by the curves of your beauty and the way you swing to the beat slowly towards me, Gosh! I don't think you know what you do to me. Your very being contradicts my spirituality, have I just tasted heaven?

Death is tragedy, just like most things that happens in the course of one's life, for a moment it may seem that the world is at end, the next minute something pops and your joy is restored, but that's not all tomorrow is unknown still. Death might seem so much of devastation but the uncertainty of tomorrow is the greatest tragedy of all. So I've learnt to appreciate today even if it makes me cry, it's only today, tomorrow i might cry again but it's okay it never last, death is so much beautiful so much so that it may end it all and a new light revealed

In the back of my head
I know every conor I've
   Memorized each and
      Every curve I've  
           Calculated
            Precisely
        In the midst
     Of all the chaos
   I am only tuned to
  To the sound of her
  Feet lightly pressing
  Against the ground
   Each m o r n i ng i
    Count every ste p
     If I ever get to 10
     Maybe thn I will
     Open my mouth
      And empty the
        Way I feel of
          her beauty

She smiles in the dark
Am mesmerized in the sight of her being
Effortlessly getting the best of me
With no exchange of words
Hypnotized by the way she walks
The posture of a madam
The way she swings her hands
The rhythm
The curves
I barely say hi
Each morning I loose my self
Am a stranger to her
To me we have lived and loved
The masterpiece that gets my day going
If only I could see her under the shining sun

As the music in my head swiftly fades in
I am drawn to be in touch with my soul.
Years of suppressed emotions slowly attacks my heart's beat pattern.
heartache.

I break down but still in silence.
I know am sync
As I remember what I once was
Change is inevitable

I close my eyes and I am home
I close my eyes and I am home
I close my eyes and I am home
No it's not a dream.
I close my eyes and I am home
They hate me here
A feeling within me speaks
It's the colour of my skin
The different shades of the melanin!
I close my eyes and I am home
My presence is stand up
My absence is meeting
I close my eyes and I am home!
13
14

I could lie to my self and keep painting white walls in my mind, but it's no use the lights are all worn out, shadows have vanished, my soul gradually darkening beyond dim.

For a while I've been trying to escape, every attempt has got me running in circles, in tears I shower.

I looked into the distance, only to learn that was just mind tricks, this is where I belong, in the dark searching for a darker place to hide from all humanity

I wish It didn't
become this way, I
have strangers
calling me son, as
soon as I close my
eyes I am home

I only hope this
wasn't but a dream,
I miss my mom

I can't believe I came face to face with an angel, an unsoothing fragrance filled the room, dressed in colors of the witch... momentarily my breath taken away as I marvelled the unparalleled doom. Death is inevitable yet again it feared to take me, it vowed to what I love the most. So excuse me if I spare you with hate, it's only love.

Sometimes the music is war but then again I connect to the rhythm allowing my soul to blend in with the memories of the past...the truth is I don't know what I am anymore, it doesn't hurt though, since am immersed in the delusions that if I look hard enough within, maybe I will find the pieces of me.

*That's if I ever came apart or this is who we are!*

Blood boils, turns and swirls
and the flow is disturbed.
Speedily the air rushes into
my lungs, overwhelmingly
my heart starts to race, I
never thought I could feel
this way. My emotions are
trying to catch-up but my
mind is trapped, paralyzed in
confusion, crawling at the
thought that I will never see
her face in this life again.

What was once life is now
mere a thought, the tears of
men will never last but these
memories are locked within,
I cherish I smile I cry I love.
I know you are at peace

In this hell we call earth, Eden is beyond grasp, manna is droughty, evident we in the tic toc furnace...the secret to hint of happiness is to make piece with your demons and be find comfort despite the heat

Look what I have turned into, I've been taught to make the right decisions but never have I been given the choices yet blammed for every figured move I take, the damage is beyond my pain threshold, nonetheless I grin just to smile and say am okay to the sarcastic phrase “how are you”