i imagine her
beautiful and weary
damaged in the ways
that allow her
to sink down into my soft places
and fill the puzzle-piece gap
someone else left her with.
i imagine her
lovely and flawed
striking a match in my chest
and starting a flame in my belly
a forest fire of disaster
and absolute perfection.
i imagine her
soft and destructive
disassembling me at her worst
caressing me at her best
i imagine her
lonely and strong
a being built from
i imagine her
quiet and beaming
imagining what i might be like.
i imagine her
thinking i’m the beautiful mess
that i think her to be
i imagine us both being wrong.
i imagine that
being the best part
It was a long, long time ago
We did not know where we should go
That night, the forest was our home
A place where both of us belonged
We saw a deer
Then saw a fox
When snow was falling
No one could pretend
They never have an end
With my eyes closed
I still believe
There's more to see
A life to live.
And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.
What am I doing?
I'm so glad you asked
Waiting for an author to write a perfect book
Waiting for an artist to paint the perfect canvas
Watching the stars for a moment
Hoping something will collapse
I guess I'm just painfully, desperately waiting
For something miraculous to happen
I was abused as a child
Now as an adult
I crave for it
Like a pregnant woman craving pickles and peanut butter
I look for around every corner at 1 am
Short skirts, crop tops, 50F degree weather
I know houses that are unsafe for girls my age
Should I knock?
I look for it in the mouths of men
Men who were older than me
A reputation I wish I didn't have
But I do
I look for in the alcohol I drown my liver in
The boys liked to party with
I was able to shoot whiskey and vodka
No need for fruity drink or wine coolers
I look for it in the rolled paper I puff in his garage at 4am
With red eyes and foggy head
The only time I actually felt safe
I look for it in the pills I've popped at parties
Honestly, I have no clue on pills I took
I didn't care then and don't care now
Wish I was still 15 and dumb
Why is abuse addictive?
I wanted to escape it
I escaped it
I am looking for it
I want it
I want the fear
Who am I without the Abuse?
Am I even a person without it?
Is that all I am good for?
To be used and abused.
standing on the edge
of another land, looking out into
the gaping seas, i wonder
where the world
ends for me.
i looked into the depth
of these seas, trying so hard to find
the end of their meet.
it was only when the sun had dropped,
and the ocean was still
filled with a sunset, i realized i was
looking into nothing more than
just your eyes.
i was caught like fish in a
net, never realizing what trapped me
until suddenly i was pulled
away from the ocean.
that’s how his eyes had had me.
and how could i look into them
and find the end?
they were infinite.
but i never realized that the
answer to my
was only at the foot
my world ends at the feet of
where his eyes
look to meet only mine.
somewhere under the shade of his shadow
i believe that’s
where every inch of my world
has found its ends.
Not one or another
I don't care for the sunrise or set
Dusk and dawn
The rise and fall of your favorite icon
I don't care
Life is dull when you're in between
I don't care for the beautiful seas and hot summer days
Partys with friends, gifts, and praise
It's all a blur of day to day, meaningless interaction
Is it even real anymore
Does it even matter
Are all my emotions forced slightly encouraged by the facade, the mask I wear day to day
Sometimes I can help someone, or have a meaningful talk
But beyond that
There is Nothing
I wish I had been there.
I want the time back,
back to me.
The man I loved,
lost to the clock.
I wish I was there
when you fell in love for the second time.
He had my eyes
and looked at you
like you didn't even exist;
some Diamond Platinum alchemic soul.
He was not perfect,
a little torn, yes
and his edges all frayed from tragedy
but he was yours.
The first beautiful thing that was.
I wish I was there,
when your father died.
When the world fell from beneath your feet.
I was galaxies away,
and everything became but shapes,
on a metaphorical cave wall.
I become less the man you loved every day.
your love without creates.
There will be a son someday,
and he will look like you,
and you will love him so much you will wonder if it will kill you.
My greatest love,
the wonderful father.
all the growing up we did together,
and now I free thee.
My happy love,
happier without me.
Be gentle, because they don’t know any better. I know that you’re the child, and I know that you’re scared, and I know that it isn’t your job to be gentile or kind but I also know that being gentile is easier than being angry.
Make sure to give up your heart and soul first. Take your feeling and put them into a box, and shove that box far away because God knows that they’ll only heart them anyways.
Read well and often. Send your mind into a new, completely different world for a little while. You need it. We all need it.
Learn how to be distant. Learn how to love from afar. Being close will only hurt more in the long run.
The most important part of loving an alcoholic is loving you first. You are not your parent’s mistakes. You are not what caused them to break so harshly that they turned to a bottle rather than a book, a drink rather than their daughter.
I learned how to love an alcoholic before I learned to love myself. And to this day, I’m still learning.
i’ve been thinking a lot
about your hand in mine
the way that our palms
and fingers intertwine
but i think about death
about loss, about worth
i admit that i fear
to return to the earth
where our bodies dissolve
into roots of a tree
and will grow into trunk
then limb, then leaf
but i've heard from a bird
that death will reverse
and your heart will beat hard
like it did at your birth
so hold on for dear life
with your hand in mine
if death makes us let go
it is only for time
© Mike Mortensen
Who cares if we are lost?
The translation is a sign
The train of thought was thin
Who cares what words are said?
We packed light
Enter forests cradled in the mountain range
Keep your childish laughter
Leave your drunken meal
Drank river into waterfall
I have nowhere, no war
How to exit?
How to enter?
Land has lost
Sign out the hive
Bees are so alive
Wire traps the treason
Factory line sublime
I am a social creature
Frequenting the mall
Travel is my heaven
The lights up in the sky
Driven by a dream
Something I can find
Elsewhere and else who
I was a child then
leaves and flowers
I adored even when
they were drenched in rain-showers.
My joys multiplied
foliage of every kind
stirred my imagination
deep impressions it left behind
seamless colours, shapes, sizes
a collage that did humble
the paintings of the masters
whatever genius they did assemble
time has stolen such grace and majesty
old age is telling on my face
I'd gladly perish with every
flower or leaf where belongs my place.
your heart does not need to be torn; it just grows how it knows.
because it likes to hustle!
it's a very special muscle,
it's a mitochondrial tissue
with a workaholic issue.
Hey, don't let anyone hurt you
the way your first loves did.
strength does not come from malleability
you deserve better
You will obey,
but never learn.
You could do better
Hey, don't give anyone power
the way your governments did.
worth does not evolve from filth
like the vapor pressure pulling water into clouds
your heart can absorb all it wants
like the turgor pressure pulling life through a plant
you shall be full enough to avoid wilting or desiccation.
Don't confuse sharp stabs of self loathing
With the heart's aching throb of emptiness.
Only one is flexion for glory, bending in hunger
The other is not love, and will snap you in half.
I met a man whose eyes beamed with an unfamiliar pain,
And yet he forged a convincing smile.
He sat across from me, with an identical cup of tea,
Began to tell me his story, and allowed me to relive a part of History;
He spoke to me as though I were his own child –
With such gentleness and wisdom;
With a mind that censored just how much of his tale should be told.
I sensed his odd fondness towards me,
And I knew that, such a time as this, was what he had been waiting for.
At first, he found it difficult to express even the slightest emotion,
But eventually, the tears began to gleam in his eyes;
It would seem as though my silence and presence, crumbled unseen concrete walls,
And gave way to the view of an unfortunate life;
A life lived by a man who loved, until love refused to give.
I know a man who once sewed his heart on his sleeve;
Open on display for the world to see,
Because that was the person whom he wanted to be –
“The man whose love for his neighbor, was as vast as the sea” –
At least that’s what he told me.
Then came the day when his tides began to change.
Strong winds blew in, and the acidic rain came.
And it poured and it stormed,
Until what he loved the most, was washed away.
And then, as though the storms that roared, wasn’t enough,
The hand of fate ripped his heart out of the woman he loved.
I met a man who once believed
That, no matter what the world conceived,
He would never cease to love.
But when his belief was put to the ultimate test,
He chose to hate, and his fervent affection came to a permanent rest.
Hi final words to me, were that of a plea:
He said, “I’ve made a thousand mistakes, but that was worst of them all.
I gave up quickly, without a fight, just when life took its first hard fall.
For years, I’ve missed the man I was, but in you, I can see the man I wanted to be.
I knew a man who knew me beforehand,
who has watched me walk these streets.
Who felt compelled to observe my endeavors,
And found it redemptive to take interest in me.
He knew that, one day, he'd sit across from me, to ask that I be wiser than he.
For his life would have been a complete waste, if years from now, I'm looking through the eyes that I see.
You and I,
buried beneath the coruscated winter sky
In taciturn stillness,
half-enraptured by the unmasked glory,
and half by the unasked in the others eyes.
There is no time to hold us;
There is no other moment.
Volatile, visible breaths,
The almost- touch of our fingertips,
and the quiet intimacy of our insignificance against the endless, open sky.
I used to think
That Fantasies were for Losers,
When I became a divorcee,
I felt like a loser,
But marriage wasn’t ever a “game” I wanted to “win”.
I didn’t want to “defeat” my wife.
So, I started to realize
That Fantasies are relatively harmless.
Dope for the imagination
Encouragement for the soul.
Just take me to the stars
So brilliant and so bright
What we were, what we are
Let's learn it all tonight
Let's fly up on past mars
From where we ran away
Healing Homeworld's old scars
We'll take you there someday
Yes, we come from the stars
But now we can't go back
Least not to open arms
For fear of an attack
But one day we'll show you
That land from where we came
But know that once we do
Things will not be the same
So let's go to the stars
Like diamonds in the sky
What we were, what we are
Up in a ship on high
I wonder how I get into this mess
With only you
I wonder how I became so separated
From the people around me
With all my Fantasies
So far away?
I am pulsating with desire
But the woman who was my wife
Is still in my home.
I can’t openly express it
She’ll be gone
Feel like a B’racha.
This is real
This is true
I cut, reform, reshape for you
And though it hurts
With penknife sting
I hope one day
You'll accept this ring.
So trust me baby
Though I cause a fuss
I’ll work on past it
For the sake of us.
Lace my pain with percussive cussing
Swear care no matter how you fare
Taking turns, till, we in turn fail
End nearing, gasp through by breadth of hair.
So hold no breaths
And cry no tears
We’ll be there soon
Speak, breathe, forget your fears.
It's true our future’s cloudy
We're over 8 by 8 by 100 miles away
I daily fuck up as you tuck in
Pledging, “Rest, I don’t jest figure eights.”
Numbers don’t matter.
And my senses, they’re surely wrong.
So why hold both eyes on you?
And ask the same for me, just as long?
It’s so we both go strain blind
Bind souls and minds together
Splatter glue hastily agreeing to this eternal song
Float handheld in this spaceless place
Disintegrating all the walls that fall upon us.
… Or those we need to walk through.
There, in fantasy, easily we go
Each kiss a taste of the love we share
That we only alone in our nakedness wear
It's clear I would put nothing on or over you
Or dare seek some other exchange
Because without this arrangement
There'd be nothing
Besides empty, pitted pangs.
you are lost,
as lost as the next in line
at the store.
you are trapped
in thoughts of war, and
that are to befall us all.
you want to run
to the edge of the field,
and peel the skin from
the base of your heel & peer in,
to find the glitch,
because something is amiss.
the arguments don't resolve,
they become a hum
that course down walls
like rain. some of us pray,
turn to religion,
others look to games &
science fiction, all to drown out
the thought that
the balance of good and evil has
swung & we're
not quite sure which side we're on.
maybe i'll continue convincing myself that equal amounts of
rays & rain = rainbows;
maybe a quarter of this water
equates to tears
(can't tell if they're the clouds'
explain to me why two thirds of my mind
is flung halfway across the globe;
maybe friends are discovered
like how you'd find your shadow
(too busy being blinded by the streetlights to look back)
// maybe a fraction of me
refuses to ignore this feeling //
We met capriciously,
without the false pretense,
inspired by love and mindfulness
we let down all defense.
She taught me how to comprehend,
themes furthest from my mind,
appreciation for the arts and life
so distant from my kind.
A Russian dancer in fiery flight,
a Parisian chef in exile,
celebration of the food we ate
beholding each museum aisle.
She taught me of the things she cared,
in virtue freed my mind,
except what mattered most to her
love couldn’t be defined.
When blissful songs were silent,
emotions fell denied,
with disbelief the man she loved
was nowhere near her side.
When I was 10 my mum Told me that
I was special
The Next day was the First time
she told me to shut up
When I was 14 my Friends told me that
I was funny
The Next day I Heard them laugh about me
And when I was 16
You told me I was beautiful
You told me you loved me
You told me you would do anything for me
But I did not believe you
Because I learnt that people don't mean
What they say
And I did not want to get disappointed again
Love is a dangerous weapon
Overcoming hate, it creates
Vain attempts, broken hearts
Eternal medicine for peace
You influenced me the most
On every occasions I lost myself
Unveiled the honest essence
Mourning for the lost ones
One day, I’ll realize with pain
To take out my soul and breathe
Haven’t you cried as I stormed out
Even the gains set flames in me
Remembering your warmth
Found pieces of your shattered heart
Over and over, I’ll regret to tell you
Reasons that don’t matter anymore
Every time to see that smile faded
Verifying that it exists on that face
Enabling my heart to pound hope
Reassembling, love you mother forever
I'm an open book
on a typical Saturday.
Beside me sits
a cup of coffee.
Barely sits I can say,
but say we are not
in the mood saying
"good morning" on today.
Yet what is love
with no flaws?
It is a mere fairy tale
of our bedtime story,
distracting us from
weary, scary yesterday.
I can't feel my legs
My heads in a daze
Your eyes touch my soul
All I can think is your name
Your scent engulfs me
Eyes closed I inhale
No fear of tomorrow
Your touch overwhelms
You pull me in close
Your hand brushes mine
Whisper you need me
It kills me inside
Your lips touch mine
My body ignites
I melt into your skin
As you grip me so tight
Then I wake up
Wipe the sleep from my eyes
Kiss you good morning
And thank God for my life
Your eyes tell me to kiss you,
So I come to you and say kiss me
You don't say yes,
But you don't say no
And I get lost in the body language.
I thought I knew how to read it,
But the wine says otherwise,
So I say kiss me again,
Yet you tell me you're not ready,
For I haven't said you're beautiful enough,
I don't say another phrase,
Nor do I try a different approach,
I remain true to what I read from you
I might be wrong,
It wouldn't be the first time,
I daresay neither the last.
She has a smile, only one of a kind,
It is just so beautiful, like a happy illusion of the mind,
Honesty isn’t just her habit,
It was the way of her life,
The truth on her tongue sometimes feel sharper that a knife,
Kindness sort of dwell in her heart,
She has a dream to turn the world into art,
She has a kind and caring heart,
She is a gift of nature’s living art....
because i was obstinate
and i chose to believe
i chose the path to you
so i won't turn back
it's dark sometimes
but i am fine with it
because it is you
and i am in love
storms or rainbows
grey clouds or sunshine
i will be there
because i am already yours
and your pain
are mine to share
tell me that dreadful story about the mayflies
& that burnt-out summer
we spent in the shadows of oak trees, our burnt shoulders
raw & peeling.
everything had that sick patina of
“i loved you” in the sunslick light, where it was always
half-past some forgotten appointment.
no sense of urgency; no sighs;
no breath but what you’d give me.
i think it went something like this:
we go back to the lake with the tall grass & then i pull all the words right out of your open mouth. you’re not in love with me yet, but maybe you never were.
the fisherman on the next dock catches three carp and then a fourth, but by this time we’re already gone & i don’t see him teasing the hook from between their lips; don’t hear the wet
gasp of their fat bodies hitting the water.
okay, so let’s hear it your way.
the sky was hazy & so was your mind; maybe the heat
was getting to you. everything was sore & dark yellow,
so maybe i can’t blame you for squeezing a little too hard.
i take you down to the lake with the fish bones & i say something like
“i love you”, or maybe i make you say it first.
point is, i’m looking at you like i’m pulling teeth & someone
somewhere is hurting;
so maybe i can’t blame you for everything after.
you take me back to your grandmother’s garden & feed me heirloom tomatoes rolled in sugar; i kiss you with a dripping red mouth. the mosquito bites & blisters don’t bother us just yet, but that doesn’t mean you don’t draw blood.
you ask where it hurts & i say: here, here, here; so
quick i can hardly think, everything all sticky-sweet & unbearable.
you call me a liar, & i tell you to take anything, anything
you ever could’ve wanted, if you'd only just let it be me.
Halloween night on this hallowed ground
I stand here among all these terrifying sounds
With the sky so dark the moon barely glows
The creatures of the night gather around close
Hiding in the shadows of the night
Trying to give me a big ole fright
But what these monsters do not know
I have come prepared with my own ammo
Wolf man steps up with his intent to maul
but I distract him by throwing a tennis ball
A witch flies in and thinks I didn't spot her
then flies away when I spray holy water
Dracula with no one around to judge
Was happy I brought him a bag of blood
Frankenstein was pretty easy to fend
All he wanted was to have a new friend
Moral of this story is pretty simple...
Yes monsters are out there
but lets clear all the confusion
The real monsters out there are human
Happy Halloween HP :)
Sad, empty, incomplete, broken
Heart shattered, wounds open
Feeling weak, feeling hopeless
Still alive yet looking lifeless
Why does life seem so cruel?
It is a battle, a fight, a duel
I can compare it to a heartless monster
One which you never would want to encounter
But whatever pain life gives
Never forget to always believe
That God is there watching
Have faith and continue praying
Because every single day you still wake up
Is another chance so never give up
Whatever failure He still believes in you
So have courage and foi en Dieu...
No matter how tough
I may seem
No matter how loved
I may be
No matter how much
I tried and may still
Seem to try
After this last,
This final betrayal
I cannot but give in
I give up trying
To be better
Better than I can
Be better than I am
I can give up
But will never give
I will give up
To please, to accomodate
People I do not seem to know
I will give up
Fabricating a life
To placate, to appease
People who do not seem to care
I will start
Realising a dream
To create, to build
A person that is worthy
I will be
Trying a new way
To live, to give
A person to myself
For I am, so I learn
No more hiding