Unable to feel
Unable to do the things you love
Everything is boring
Nothing is fun
Nothing brings joy
You're just existing
Waiting.
Waiting for what?
The next day?
Your next vacation?
A new job?
A relationship?
Nothing will bring true joy anyway
It all last for mere seconds, days at most
and dissipates eventually
It's hard to verbalize
what its like in this mind
in this body
To not enjoy anything
To not enjoy the things you used to love
To need the stinging feeling of a razor across your skin
to feel clarity
To not love food the same way you used to
To want to sleep at 7:30 pm every night
because what's the point in staying up any longer
when there is nothing to do, nothing to enjoy
To sleep as much as you can to escape reality
People say to love yourself, focus on you
but how can you focus on you when it isn't enjoyable to
when there is nothing to uplift yourself for
when the focus turns into getting to bed
as soon as possible?

Greenery full of life
sits atop hills
beneath a moody grey sky
lush shrubs, bushes, trees
a sight lusted over
by people like me
a guilty pleasure
for those from Michigan suburbs
stationery, observing humans
the fast moving traffic below
semis rushing to make deliveries
people getting to jobs they hate
or don't mind
in outfits they aren't comfortable wearing
road rage
accidents on the highway
houses sit atop them
steep backyards
even they wonder
why anyone would live there
people can fall into traffic
their steepness is not something they can help
flights flying overhead
humans making it to events
thinking they are so important
living a life of privilege and ability
nature is peaceful, kind
unbothered, it's number one hobby:
people-watching.

I imagined a place in your heart and mind
But both of those places
Have become occupied
by a better tenant of your choice
I was waiting to see if you were
the right home for me
But I didn't put in my offer
fast enough.

Now my dream home is being
lived in, felt, breathed in, and cared for
by a tenant who is much better than me

I was ready
I had packed all my boxes,
The most meaningful memories
ready to be unleashed in this home

But now I'm left astray
with these boxes
in my U-Haul
That I don't know where to drive

I have to find another place,
But I can't move on right now
I can't find one as good as yours

Maybe your house wasn't as
great as I thought
and it was a sign from God

But now I'm stranded
Figuring out where to take this truck full of
boxes and heavy feelings

I secretly hope that your tenant will grow to dislike
what you're leasing out
I hope she'll one day decide to move out
and hope that you will offer it to me.

It's raining outside
we're off work
we're lying in your soft bed
warm from both the covers,
and the heat of each other's skin

We wake up groggy
I place my hand on your chest hair
feeling the thumping of your heart beneath
as we lay there,
I use my fingers
To sweep away that long, beautiful hair
The hair your parents hate
While you sleep peacefully

As I watch you, I wonder
If you'll ever know how many times
I stared at your Facebook photos
How many pages I wasted in my journal
How much time I spent in a dream land
daydreaming just the two of us,
and our families
intertwining

I'll box you up and pack you away
just like all the others
who led my life astray

I was only a mere stranger in your life,
how I was to all the other men

All you are is a memory now,
for I will never see you again

My unquenched desire for you
is still caged inside me

I'll throw thoughts of you into
my memories box,

memories that will remind me
of my failure to love the men I desire

I just wanted to bond

with you

But I guess you’re just not fond

of the things

I like

I am elated when

I hear you laugh

At the comedy shows

I love

I don’t know what the feeling is

Inside of me

But it allows me to escape

My ill mind

For just thirty minutes

Each episode

I love to hear you crack up

And see you laugh

till your stomach hurts

At the character’s silly jokes

and mannerisms

It makes me happy

To bond this way

My interests are validated

And I don’t feel alone

I guess today

You didn’t want to

Maybe I’m forcing

You to

And you’re just pretending

To enjoy it

To make me happy.

a feeling of numbness

suffering from a disease

too invisible for the eyes to see

a parasitic disease

in which its host

is unable to escape

the confines of this mind

no matter how hard they try

a precious body with a functioning heart and brain

but unable to use them to your gain

a body that never experiences happiness

an abnormal brain given by a God

who apparently conducts experiments on his children

a lingering heaviness in my mind

impossible to be removed

urges that I don't want

every day, hour, minute, second

always in a battle with your own mind

nobody there for you to confide

in


for i just want to be normal.

____________
Dedicated to my work
Eager to create things others will love
Thrilled about a satisfying finished product
An ambitious woman
Insecure sometimes
Lively about my creations
Each element created with perfection
Didactic about my passions.
_____________

I have retired,
long ago, from my duties
my wonderful job
That has made me millions.

You best think twice
before you speak arrogantly of me.
Know, when you undermine me
Next to others among,
That I have made millions.

I’ve fed mouths
Raised beautiful souls,
Scrubbed till my skin cracked,
Squatted till my bones ached,
Cooked art till my heart was content but,
I have no right to complain
I never look back on my life with shame,
because I have made millions.

I arose at the glint of the sunrise
Filled my ears with the bellowing
Of vendors and their creaking carts
Sacrificed my sleep
To sustain my job
because my efforts are worth millions.  

I was dedicated,
Worked hard for my family,
my tendrils of hair askew
I continued my work
Masked my emotions,
Even when I was feeling blue
all because I was too busy making millions.

I kept my “office” ***** and span
Invented my own tips and tricks
since I was passionate
about making millions.

I wonder if you think I am worthless but
I simply sit back and smile because
I tell myself
I was a queen in my line of work
I didn’t just make beds,
I made wonderful souls
It never required money
I never had to get paid  

Now,
The thin wrinkles on my hand
Remind me that
I am more than satisfied,


Because I know
I’ve made millions.

The voices are killing me.
pleasant, but
they're incessant

They tell me He's
changed His walk,
the way He talks...

I tell myself I do not care
but I listen intently
filling my soul

       with despair.

Oh God,
If you are really there
Drive me away from others' sin
and fill me with your magic
within
Engulf me in your loving arms
Bless me for I deserve your
charm
Oh God, Please grasp these hands
and enlighten me on why
all the blame hefts on me,
always making me cry.

Young love,
Sweet as honey, yet leaves
a bitter taste lingering
rendering you unable to forget him
Leaves your core coiled
in knots
leaving you bereft of butterflies
that once fluttered
Excretes voluminous tears
      that never before existed

Young love,
every void filled
but as barren as land
you run miles & miles
until your heart succumbs
just to call him your man.

I want the warmth of your hand on mine,
skin to skin,
the creases and prints blending to intertwine
Your scent lingering like home on every inch of me
savoring this lust at a gradual pace
Your laugh is the melodious song
that leads me home,
when my soul is lost and I am all alone.

The slow thudding of your heart
something only in a dream,
beating the story of you,
a true work of art.

Connection with you
    jolts of electricity
Racing to my core.

Maybe
when all is falling apart
it's just the renovation of our hearts

Maybe it's all a sign
that the hurt
is the beginning
of my healing.

It's 12:01 AM and
do you know what you did to me?
I can't stop crying
I'm sad even though you're not mine

I don't know
if I miss you
or the idea of you.

do you know how weak you make me
when you utter my name
or brush against me
or gleam into my eyes

It's 12:01 AM
and I just want to hold your hand forever
until the day I die
I want you right here
in my arms
I want you to be my home,
my last resort,
my only source of sunshine
when a dark cloud looms over me

It's 12:01 AM
and I'm wasting tears over you
because I like you.
But I know it's all in my head,
Because I seek your validation.

His skin felt warm and heavy
against hers.

She felt trapped;
sensitive, small, submissive.

But she loved his weight on her
She loved every second.

A blanket that heated her,
A blanket that strikes
jolts of pleasure
on every inch of her skin.

I've seen the way
Your eyes glaze
                  twinge
                  sparkle
      ov­er her presence
And I become
invisible

All I want
      is to be her

Who wants me?
Who needs me?
All I want
      is someone
to dissect me
to discover my innocence

But nobody will
All I want
      is anyone

Nobody longs for me
the way I long
      for others.

It hurts so bad
It's torture
I am flooded and sad
My being is nothing but horror

I cover my ears and
      muffle the voices
So I can escape

I cannot run
I can still hear them
      their words
blaring in my ears
suffocating me,
killing me
       softly

Their voices
seep into my
       ears...
Maybe I really am
nothing.

Your skin
felt so warm
against mine,

every inch of me collapsed,
my insides dissolved
into nothing but molten pleasure

Your being
was the key to
the unleashing of my spirit,
the tear of my innocence,
the flame

to an ice cold soul

I could be anywhere in this world,
in the midst
of a sea of people,
surrounded by white noise

But I'd never miss
the sound of your voice
calling my name.

My heart aches without you
in my life.
  
The way you call my name
is music
to my ears.

Praying to almighty, powerful Gods
Begging for mercy,
Their strength, their magic to wash all over me
Change me.

Why am I like this.
Why was I born different?
Why do I feel like I am
Faking it,
Lying.
Trapped under a deep tidal wave
Refusing to gasp for oxygen
But I continue keeping myself under
For the oxygen refuses to enter my lungs,
For the fear that I will forever
embrace
the warmth of my own body
And fuse into the darkness of
The shattered,
The abused,
The sharp shards
of broken hearts,
Infinitely unable to mend again

Everyone only appreciates the sun
Apparently beach days and beers
are the only definition of fun.

Blinding sunshine and
sticky, wet, sweat,
it's the only weather
I wish to forget.

But why doesn't anyone
care about the rain,
it's the only weather
that keeps me sane.

You can watch the sky
become dull and gray,
as bright rays of sunshine
fade away.

You stripped my soul,
Ripped me from my shoes
Where I stood
in innocence.
You extracted my childlike traits,
Treated my body
As your ******* paycheck.

My whole future
Was laid out in front me.
Now you fabricated a dent in it,
One that has shattered me
Forever.
I used to smile,
Be full of life,
Slept at night,
My body never reeked the incessant scent
of the lifeless souls you sold me to.

My heart ached everyday,
I longed for home, where safety was waiting for me.
Everyday I was a raindrop,
Trying to cling onto the window of hope,
But always slipped away.

You don’t understand the pain,
You’re only in it for the hunnits
Please understand,
That my dehumanization is not worthy
For what you gain.

My body became an abstract canvas,
For your ugly pleasures.
Bruised, bloodied, beaten, and battered.
Cuts and aches line my delicate skin,
But to you all my pain is fake.

You slapped my delicate face,
every time I asked for my precious prize of my childhood,
every time clear oceans surged out of my eyes.
“Shut the hell up!” You yelled
As I let out wails of agony.
You stepped all over me
Like I was a used cigarette.
You ignored my shrieking screams,
Actually,
You loved it.

You forced me
To comply with their beastly gratifications,
Only in return for your abundant riches.
You stepped on me,
like I was a *****, grimy, muddy puddle,
over and over
Even so,
I was still considered desirable.

I am NOT your canvas.
I am NOT your paycheck.
I am NOT your plaything.
I am worthy of honor,
worthy of respectful awe and delicacy.

I did not feel the worth of a human being anymore.
I felt ill treated, broken, bent, demeaned.
You stripped my soul, and,
Deprived me of my self respect.
And I will never
Ever
Be the same.

The only thought
That seeps into my mind
At sunrise and the brink of midnight,
Is that
I
Was someone’s *****.

Listen to the pleas of
Children,
their ribbons shriveling up.
Spouses,
their vows rupturing.
Siblings,
their hearts torn apart.
Parents,
Bawling for their sanities,
Waiting to rejoice
With their miraculous bundles of joy—