Once again it's a new year where we become the writer of the book of our lives,
and this time there are 366 blank pages to write in when each and every day arrives.

This is the year that you finally focus on just you -
and concentrate on things that make you euphoric too.
Make your dreams and chase them with passion;
realise you have the power to make them happen.

The stars will align in the sky for you my dear,
and your courage will see you through any fear,
you will be stronger and more carefree,
and be the you that you deserve to be.

You left me with a click of your fingers,
when I was at my worst you didn't want to linger.
In hospital after attempting to create my demise,
you decided I wasn't worth the hassle; you couldn't empathise.
Until that day, you had said "you and me forever babe"
and made me feel like we had it made.
You'd given me a diamond ring and told me it was love,
but you'd lied and decided that I wasn't someone to think the world of.
You abandoned me at a time when I was broken and fading,
when I truly needed you, you simply left my heart breaking.
And now that I'm happier I'm so glad that you flew away,
because now I know what I'm truly worth - thank you is all I can say.

Waves o' despondency hit me harder than ever before;
I drown; yet it leaves a burning ember of which I crave more.
Addicted to the deliration and despair that comes o' so naturally -
a new found love for the darkness that lives within me.

The lily of life, full of humility and devotion - the beautiful kind
that everyone would choose to pick from the fields I think you'll find.
One who defied the definition of a heroic inspiration,
your talent outshone all others; you caused quite the sensation.

You tenaciously grasped onto your stem of life
with the insidious poison of demise within your cells rife,
your colours darkening and fading away,
and yet you remained God's most beautiful creation each and every day.

As your petals fluttered down, by your side was your wife
while you heart-wrenchingly closed the circle of your life.
Now, we all shall miss watching you bloom through the days
and we will remember you, forever and ALWAYS .

The storm came bounding over me with clouds of uncertainty
and howling winds of change like an entity.
Water droplets of despondency drowning me with every bead;
Mother Nature herself cannot stop this blizzard – for it is a clandestine storm, indeed.
Nobody is going to rescue me from this typhoon –
my struggle through this torment will become my greatest triumph soon.

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs so why won't anyone take heed?
Painfully visible yet ignored and pushed aside by all those that I need.
Nobody is listening to my cries asking for help with this despondency
and now I'm drowning in the ocean of despair unable to set myself free
just waiting patiently for the grim reaper to come and claim me as his own
so I can go beyond the veil and enter the dark abyss full of the unknown.

When you find yourself trapped in a desperate, despondent hole
and you feel that one person has torn apart every piece of your soul,
but you find yourself able to live, laugh and love again even after the pain of heartache,
that is the day you realise that you're stronger than (and love conquers) all hate and heartbreak.

So lost within her own madness,
she was addicted to the sadness.
The voices in her head were so violent,
yet she opted to remain silent.
Death crept up on her and whispered callously in her ear,
then encouraged by its words, she took action so as to help the end grow near.

You were the Venus flytrap enticing me in,
and once you'd imprisoned me; everybody knew it would begin.
I was only a flower with petals so withered,
I'd die at the hands of you, everybody figured.

Touch me; all without using your hands, I propose.
Strip naked without removing any of your clothes.
Show me who you really are under all the deceit and lies,
and you'll see that from the ashes your true soul shall arise.

Think of the true beauty in the world,
where you find that artistry doesn't need to fit expectations that have been furled.

I find mine in captivating laughter of babies; which reduces me to tears,
not those of sadness or melancholy - but of overwhelm as their giggles enter my ears,
because there is nothing more exquisite than the mere notion of existing and of life,
the feelings of love and hope in my heart are strife.

What about beauty in those who refuse to give up, ever?
I often wonder how in the world people grow such seraphic strength within and keep it forever!
They get knocked down over and over again,
yet time after time they get back up, pushing aside their pain.

These elegant people keep moving forward - some have no choice,
but they prove the only way is up and they do not waste their time; instead they have an active voice.
They are inexplicably unstoppable,
and are the true essence of beauty - and are in fact unbreakable.

Or what about the beauty of fate?
The pulchritude of chance encounters await.
That moment when you meet someone special and become star-crossed lovers,
and recognise you both have an exceptional purpose; and a connection that hovers.
A time when your eyes lock and your souls connect?
The magnificence in these bespoke experiences *****.
To share your journey in another's grace,
and get to encounter their beautiful embrace.

Every day I sit down and begin to open my soul;
I bleed out onto the paper in ink; feelings becoming less whole.
But oh, what a beautiful release from within.
The secrets are out, no longer buried beneath my skin.

I wish upon the burning candle;
I pray for this to be my last - another year of despondency I cannot handle.
I wish arduously for nothing but my quietus as I blow out the ember,
and everybody claps without a second thought about what my wish could render.

I feel every emotion too deeply; they're a dagger to my heart,
and I'm too sensitive - it only takes one tiny trigger for me to fall apart.
Sometimes it feels as though I'm not a real being;
convinced reality is a figment of my imagination that I'm seeing.
I started to litter my body with scars from the innocent age of ten,
I haven't stopped although I am nineteen now - things just haven't changed since then.
I made my first attempt at the tender age of just twelve years old,
and to this day another fourteen have occurred; by this inner demon I'm controlled.
A patient in a psychiatric hospital 6 days after my eighteenth birthday,
after swallowing a cocktail of pills and alcohol wanting to die away.

But...

I am someone with raw passion that flows through my veins
and my curiosity and adoration for the world around me remains.
I have mastered the art of living in the moment and doing the things that matter to me;
and I'm full of devotion and determination to be the person I'm destined to be.
I use poetry as an expression of all that I feel and I am made of linguistic creativity,
and I love deeply without reservation everything and everyone around me.

So although I may have borderline personality disorder as a part of me,
I am still a kind-hearted and passionate person who wants to be the best she can be.

How liberating and freeing it is after months of despair
to be overtaken by your old self once more out of nowhere;
to find your spontaneity and find yourself overcome with valour
to finally get up and battle your demons head on with great strength and ardour.

Her words are boa constrictors causing detrimental suffering and sometimes even death,
with her victims crying themselves to sleep every night, hyperventilating with every breath.
Her raining punches feeling like a thousand needles piercing their flesh time and time again,
her victims wonder why they get up each morning just to suffer the same pain.
Her poisonous taunts run through their bloodstreams and haunt their minds;
and lead some to scar their bodies and others to perish entirely leaving their family behind.

It’s worth burning myself out like a match
so long as others receive the light and warmth I dispatch.

The person I see in the mirror is not me.
I hear you say “how can that be?”
The answer is simple; the demon inside has taken my place,
it punches my skin and tells me that I’m the biggest disgrace.
My arms are stained red and my mascara has run like a river,
I discover the monster that's where I should be with a shiver.

She ran as fast as her brittle legs would allow
without catching her breath once as she ran miles somehow.
And she reached her favourite bench overlooking the countryside
surrounded by swaying trees and an air of grace as she sat and cried.
There's creatures in her mind that won't allow her to think clearly;
the belief she should go beyond the veil plays on her mind severely.
So she swallows a bag of pills washed down with strong tequila,
and stands upon the bench with her earphones in, dancing like a ballerina.

A little girl rises from the wreckage that used to be her childhood;
her eyes have lost their fervour and instead reflect the despair from where she is stood.
She is the broken and the messy with so many cracks within her soul,
and no-one can help her out of the ashes or make her feel whole.

Now she’s a dead flower; wilting with her colours fading;
instead her head is filled with parasites that keep invading.
Hidden from the sun, she’s never been able to grow;
instead she’s left to slowly die in the dark shadow.

The simple whisper of the word "commitment"
can make men and women run in an instant
without one look back at the broken pieces they've left,
you were no different and so my heart became your theft.

You repeatedly vociferate that you're not ready to settle down; not ready to grow up,
but in my heart I know you're lying to my face close up.
I know you'd settle if you found the ideal inamorata tomorrow,
but I'll never be "the one" for you so I will leave now and drown in sorrow.

All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved the way I love everyone and everything around me,

And perhaps that is the most dangerous thing of all because to crave that affection with all your heart

Leads to reckless acts and treacherous situations to gain that attention and warmth that you’ve wanted all along.

I stare at the veins so prominent on my wrists –
think of the sea of blood rushing through my body with lots of twists.
The cold metal blade I am twirling in my hand
screams to be used to cut open and release the ocean of red – I don’t quite understand
why I want to bleed out and become a sinking ship or consent myself to die.
This desolation has me wrapped around its finger and the monster of destruction I must abide by.

People pick me for my resemblance to the sunshine;
attracted to the brightness I could bring to their lives and my precious design.
But as soon as my colours fade, my petals wither and I'm no longer warm,
I am dropped and left to slowly drown in a secret thunderstorm.

How much easier it would have been
if I had not been born but left unknown and unseen,
for I have known only tragedy and despair
and now I'm broken beyond repair.

The world lays within
a tranquil subdued sleep
all the while I'm marking my skin
with the silver tip digging in deep.
And although I drown in tears as I cry
and wish to go beyond the veil,
the world just keeps on going by;
and instead, I put an end to my tale.

Dear future daughter...
Don't listen to the other girls who say you're not enough,
and please don't ever allow them to push you to give up.
You are worth much more than anything in existence,
and if anyone cannot see that, they are full of ignorance.

Dear future daughter...
Nobody is ever going to save you,
but your own strength and courage will see you through
all of life's obstacles thrown on your path throughout,
and you will survive it all, I have no doubt.

Dear future daughter...
Your mental health comes before anything else baby,
forget school, you have to put yourself first young lady.
Curl up with a good book and ice-cream galore,
until you feel better and your happiness you can restore.

Dear future daughter...
Boys or girls - whatever your preference,
will break your heart - just for future reference.
Love isn't the be-all and end-all in your world,
even if that is the belief that has been furled.

Dear future daughter...
It's okay if your thighs touch and your tummy isn't perfect,
please remember you are a person and not an object.
You are still so beautiful, embrace your imperfections.
Please notice the beauty in the mirror through your reflections.

Dear future daughter,
Ignorance is not bliss; study and work hard.
Do not allow your perception of learning to become marred.
Value your education - it's the most priceless thing you'll receive,
think of all the things that you alone could achieve.

Dear future daughter...
Don't ever dumb yourself down for a relationship or to "fit in".
Don't ever allow anyone to change you - being yourself is the way to win.
Always be who you are and stand for what you believe in,
speak your mind, help those with no voice and be comfortable in your own skin.

Dear future daughter...
Cherish the little things,
all the beautiful gifts life brings,
you'll soon realise that they were the things that mattered
once the moment has passed - but it's too late - I'm sure you gathered.

Dear future daughter...
These are the things I wish I'd been taught,
Instead I learned the hard way - a life marked by fraught.

Bugs are crawling all over my hands; yet they're the kind only I can feel and see -
the germs I visualise as cockroaches covering everything around me.
A 3rd change of clothes in 5 hours to protect myself against their power to bring me harm,
my umpteenth hand wash trying to get rid of them; my brain turbulent with alarm.

My head is noisy; full of chaotic sadness and voices,
peculiar images and blurry characters are all I can see - not by choice.
I cannot sleep or think let alone live,
waiting for The End; I went mad with the battle so determinative.

Sitting on the shower floor
with the water raining down on me more and more.
A map of water induced wrinkles trace my skin as if by disguise,
with a river I cannot stop running from my eyes;
intoxicated with madness, these voices I need to **** -
so with a bottle of ***** I wash down a pretty little pill.

Tonight I lay with just my teddy to hold dear; loneliness creeping in - no doubt,
feeling like a child who just wants to be loved and cared about,
wishing to be protected from the monsters inside my head
as I bury myself under my covers and cry myself to sleep in bed.

Today I introduced myself to my mum again.
Knowing she has no remembrance of me caused a lot of pain.
It’s harder now than ever because with time
She’s lost 98% of her memory and is losing more as the clocks chime.
But I went in and read her favourite book as I held her hand,
and to her I sung her favourite song by her beloved band
knowing it would put a smile on her face
as with love my heartbeat grew quicker pace by pace.
I asked her “may I have this dance?”
And we waltzed around the nursing home garden taking a chance.
I did all this because although her brain is fading away,
She is human and she’s the only one who’s loved me always.
Now it’s time for me to visit and look after her each and every day
so that she’s never alone as the end is on its way.

How tragic it is to be in such despair.
To have to pretend like I just don't care.
Sitting in bed with tears running down my face;
thoughts of suicide are in place.
I cannot see the point in fighting anymore,
I wish to heaven I could soar.
I'm nothing, worthless, a failure, a burden,
my future is very much uncertain.
I'm not brave anymore; I have no courage,
I've been broken into a million different pieces; it's caused much damage.
And who would want to save someone who doesn't wish to be saved?
When this dark monster within has me well and truly enslaved?
I think I'll go now, it's time to say goodbye,
I will make my way to Heaven now; into the blackened sky.

Depression, for me, has never been the essence of beauty,
it's about cutting too deep like it's your duty,
and staying up until 4am crying your eyes out
feeling too weak to carry on and wanting to scream and shout.
It's about seeking amnesia from the end of bottles after drinking away the pain;
and sometimes it's about attempting suicide time and time again.