I want to feel beautiful.
To feel confident
To feel loved
To feel beautiful.

Who stole my beautiful?
Where did it go?
It was just here...

But then someone pointed out how fat I am.
They noticed my acne
and my mom jeans.
They asked if I had ever had a boyfriend,
And laughed when I shook my head no.
They told me I was the reason there were waves in the pool
And told me my swimsuit was ugly.
They said my hair was greasy
And I kind of smelled.
They asked why I had to shop at Catherine's
And why not Aeropostale.

They stole my beautiful.
And they weren't even sorry.

They STOLE it.
Stealing is a crime,
But not when it comes to ****** 8 year olds
Who think it's okay to hurt others.
Not when it comes to shady friends who say they can bring these things up,
"Because we're friends."
Not when it comes to judgmental family memebers
Who don't know what it's like to wear size 16 jeans.
(Actually, 18...)
(I'm embarrassed.)

Nobody stops these people from stealing.
From stealing the beautiful from
A 10 year old who already knows the worst,
But she's choosing to be confident anyway.
A 13 year old who's unloved by others,
But she's still trying so ******* hard to love herself.
A 16 year old weighing 250 pounds,
But she's exercising through the depression.
A 17 year old bent over the toilet,
Trying to lose the weight you told her was ugly,
And trying to find the beautiful you should have told her about instead.

But they stole my beautiful.
The beautiful that got me through every day.
The beautiful that reminded me size doesn't matter.
The beautiful that belongs to me.
The beautiful you took.
Like there was some kind of limited supply or something.
Like mine deserved to be stolen.
Yeah, you took that kind of beautiful.

And you left an even greater treasure behind.

I was always cautious about using the L word
The word used after like
The big L
Because you can't take that **** back
Once you say it,
You can't unsay it
You can't unhear it

Then I found the L word
I found him
A milk chocolate man with yummy espresso eyes
A goofy, crooked smile that never quits
Tight, soft curls pushed back in a black mane
And a voice that floats on feathers

I found the L word
In between my fingers where he holds my hand
On the nape of my neck where he kisses me at night
Across my cheeks where he brushes his hand
In my mouth where he feeds me the food he's prepared

I found the L word while I was folding my laundry
While I was making us coffee
While we were talking about everything
While we were doing a puzzle and getting nowhere
While I was scrubbing his back in the shower
While we fell asleep in the summer heat under the heavy blankets

I found the L word at a time when I didn't think I would
In a person who wasn't supposed to love me
But did anyway
Despite it all

Some people don't realize how much you cry when you throw up
How much you shake
How much your nose runs

Nobody likes to throw up
You feel like a ******* kid
With snot and bile dripping everywhere over the toilet
And your hands clenched to the bowl
Desperate for it to hold you back
And tell you you'll be alright

But I do it every day
Every ******* day
Because I can't afford
A lifetime on the hips

So I find my place on the floor
The place where I spread my towel
In order to make the cold, hard ground
Just a little more forgiving
I have toilet paper ready to wipe my mouth and nose
Because **** gets messy after the first retch of regret

But once it's all over,
You can't just tell people,
"I threw up everything I ate today."
You have to keep going
Like nothing ******* happened
Because otherwise they flock over you
And don't let you do it anymore

My mind
it races
with thoughts
of you.

My heart's
quickened pace
in reaction
to you.

My hands
yearn to
touch your
own hands.

My lips
they long
to kiss
your cheek.

My body
gets nervous
pressing against
your body.

My cheeks
turn red
when you
love me.

In America
You're either rich or ******
Or privileged enough
To be ****** by the rich
Medical bills
Car insurance
Groceries
Utilities
Student loans
******* that nobody can afford
Yet everybody pays for
Because this is America
And we need to have it all
In America
I'm ******
Because I'm not a millionaire
And that's the kind of salary you need
In order to survive

I thought
I was
coming around
to the idea
of being alone
Because during the day
it's easy
to be so alone
It's not until
the night falls
that I realize
I need an inhaler
But the pharmacy
is closed
and I'm
all alone
in my mind
Which is a
dark, scary place

I was fine
Until
I wasn't
and by then
I was alone
so nobody's here
to notice
I'm not fine
to notice
how alone I am

I didn't think you'd come back
I thought I scared you off
I thought you'd found someone else
Found a happier life
But here we are
In your little futon bed
Trying to stifle these
"I miss you" tears
Tears I never thought I'd see
Because you have a stupid stoic heart
And you don't let anyone see you cry
I didn't think your heart would let you say those words
I didn't think your heart would let you feel at all
But seeing you cry
Just made me cry
And seeing me cry
Just made you cry

The whole conversation was ******
By tears I thought I'd never ever see
And emotions I thought you'd never feel
But someone broke the glass
And sand started to pour out
As we wrapped into each other
And became a beach
With waves of tears splashing over each other's bodies
Our emotional sand mixing together
Just a shore of
I love you's
I missed you's
Why did you leave?
You hurt me
I never meant to
Go **** yourself
I never stopped loving you

I never stopped loving you
As I walked up and down the shore
Waiting for you to ******* come back
Waiting for you to give me some answers
As to why you left in the first place
Waiting for you to stop loving me
So I could move on
But instead I kept walking up and down the beach
Looking at our collection of shells
Waiting for you to ******* come back

It's a delicate thing
To talk about suicide
Apparently you can't talk about it
Without wanting to do it
You can't reminisce upon the feelings
Without falling down the hole

Even if you're feeling
Ten feet tall
Fully equipped
Metal fists
At the ready
You still can't talk about it

Other people don't want to hear about it
They all assume
That you'll do it
Even if you don't want to
Even if your metal fists
Are feeling secure
No shake in sight
It'll make other people
Uncomfortable
Insecure
Scared
Even when you're not

I don't like the rain
It makes me sad and cold
It sends bones down my spine
And shivers to my cold
Or,
Something like that

I just want to hide
Deep inside
Feel you holding me tight
Kissing my cheek
And my forehead
Pecking each finger
Calming my waters
During my earthquake

Your heart beats in tandem
With each clap of thunder
Eyes blinking
As lightning strikes
You're the only storm
I'm willing to weather
Put me in the middle
Of your hurricane heart
Until I'm washed away
Lost in the shores of your love
Twisted in a love tornado
Just our bare bodies
In the middle of a storm

It was a bad night last night
My tear stained cheeks
and sliced up wrists
can vouch.
I never know what I'm thinking anymore...
Or why.
I just know that I am.

It's scary,
You know...
Being like this.
I get scared,
and other people get scared.
More often than not,
I can't control these thoughts...
These protruding and unwelcome thoughts
but I don't know what to do.
I never know what to do anymore.
I just know that I've had a lot of bad nights lately.
A lot of them.
But I don't know what to do.

The chest falls up and
The chest falls down
The nose breathes in and
The nose breathes out
The eyelids flicker slightly and
The lips quiver none
The muscles twinge and
The veins pulse

His body is so serene
I imagine it every night
When I fall asleep
In my little twin bed
I scoot over
And make room for him
For his chest to fall up
And to fall down
For his nose to breathe in
And to breathe out
For his eyelids to flicker
And lips to not quiver
For his muscles to twinge
And veins to pulse
I want him to have room
Laying beside me
In my little twin bed

He calls me on the phone
And I hear it all
I see it all
I feel my hand draped
Over his curly little chest hairs
My pale dainty hand
Falling up with his chest
Falling down with his chest
I feel so close
Even from 250 miles away
No words need be spoken
Just breathing and snores
As we lay next to each other
Through the night
In my little twin bed

I want you to know
That I'm the best
You'll ever have
Because not many
Women
Could put up
With your *******
Your indecisiveness
Your inattentive responses
Your tired love making
Your hurtful jokes
Your empty love

Move on fast
Move on slow
Search high
Search low
I'll still be
The ******* best
You ever had
And that's
Your cross
To bear
Because I'm still
The best
And you're just alone

Lost without me
Without my love
Without my lips
Without everything
That makes me
The best you've
Ever had

Sometimes I still can't believe
I was stupid enough to take you back
After the way you treated me the first time around
Acting like that **** doesn't matter
Like it never happened
Like I never cut myself
Thinking about you
Like I never ate my way through $20 worth of McDonald's
Crying over you
Like I never tried to take too many pills
Trying to get you out of my head
Like I never ****** other people, picturing you
Because I still loved you
Like I never wrote hate letters to you
Remembering the pain like it's fresh
Like I never stayed up all night screaming into my pillow
Missing the **** out of you
I took you back like none of that happened
Because that's how much I ******* love you
That's how much I missed having you
You ****** me beyond belief
But all I wanted
Was to have your love again
To have you again
Call me stupid
Or your girlfriend
Same difference

You were a waste of time
Waste of skin
Waste of space

But for some reason
I thought
You were worth it

Let's get drunk on whiskey
Stay up until 4 am having ***
Laughing about everything
Kissing passionately under the lights
Our shadows bouncing off the walls
Our bodies bouncing off each other

Let's snort some *******' *******
While listening to that Eric Clapton song
Do lines off our bodies
While we eat ****** Chinese
And watch Netflix documentaries

Let's drive off at dawn
A full tank of gas
With the sunroof wide open
Singing a mix of random throwback tunes
Talking about things we don't tell anyone else
Guzzling coffee as the miles tick on

Let's buy a plane ticket
Destination : any ******* where
Pack a bag and leave for a week
Feed each other delicacies
Walk along the cobblestones at midnight
Go to places we can't even pronounce
Sleep in all day
Stay up all night

Let's be together for a long *** time
Forever only means so much
I mean a long *** time
That's more measurable
Measure the memories
Through tears and laughter
Kisses and meals
Cuddles and dates
I'd like a long *** time of that
But not just with anybody
Only with you

"I love waking up next to you,"
he says.
My eyes heavy
And heart full
I feel my toes wiggle
While he embraces me
And kisses my smiling cheeks
Our bare bodies under the covers
Dark and light
Wrapped up in each other
My flabby stomach
His toned thighs
My squishy sides
His chiseled chest
Euphoria washes over me
As he tells me again
That he loves waking up next to me
That he loves my little hands
That he loves my adorable cheeks
That he loves my cute smile
That he loves me

I wrote all these poems
Especially for you
And now you're gone
You took my poems
And broke my heart
Leaving nothing
In its place
But tears and grief

I wrote all these poems
Especially for you
To show you just
How much I loved you
The words came naturally
From my heart
To my pen
And now it's just heartbreak
From the hole in my chest
To my pen

I lay awake at night
Grasping for your hand
The hand that isn't there
The hand that will never
Be there
I toss and turn
Thinking about
What could have been
If only
You hadn't left
I imagine your lips
Tracing my neck,
My body
One last time
The one last time
That I didn't get
Because you knew
Before I did
And you shut me out
Starved me of
Your love
And it still
Keeps me awake
Late at night
When you're fast asleep
Miles away
In your big lonely bed
Because I never stopped
Loving
The empty space
Where you were

I want You here
with Me
all the time
I want You
to think about Me
when You are away
to dream about Me
when We're tangled up
in the same bed
I want You
to want My body
to crave a kiss
from only My lips
I don't want You
wanting other girls
just being with Me
while You wait
for the next best thing

I want to live with You
take showers with You
wash Your ***** laundry
and cook Your favorite meals
I want to spend as much time
as I possibly can
glued to Your side
kissing Your cheeks
holding Your hands
whispering sweet nothings
while We intertwine ourselves all night
under the glow of the lamp light
staying up way too late
and sleeping in until the dog wakes Us up


I'm just
too scared
to tell You
all these things
in case
You don't
want Me
the way
I want
You

Ever since we met
I haven't gone a day
Without loving you
I haven't known a day
Without your name
Written all over my ******* heart
It didn't take me long at all
To figure out that
You're kind of the one
The one I want to be with
You let me paint your nails
You think it's cute when I chow down on a burger
You tell me you love me when you're deep inside of me
You do face masks with me
You say my snort is adorable
And it all feels different
When I tell you I love you
It all feels true
For once in my life
Compared to all those times
In the back of my impala
When I said it just to get them to ***
So I could go home already
No this time it means something
And I've meant it since day one
When I said it in the laundry room
You looked back and smiled
While I blushed up a storm
The hurricane hit me hard
And changed my life forever

I threw up all over the floor at Planned Parenthood
Waiting for this ******* mammogram
This routine procedure
That could tell me whether or not I have cancer
Whether or not I have to cut off my cleavage
And find another source of sexuality
This routine procedure
That could casually change my life
And royally **** me over
This routine procedure
That kept me up through the night
Tossing and turning and bawling my eyes out
This ******* routine procedure
That I've been waiting 20 minutes for
Surrounded by other women
Who are probably getting the exact same thing done
And they're totally ******* fine
Nobody else is retching like a ******
Because this is a routine procedure
And I have nothing to be worried about

It seems like you don't get it
Just how much I care for you
Just how much I adore you
Just how much I love you
Just how much I want you
It seems like you take advantage of it
Like you don't actually care
How much I put into us
When I'm putting everything into us
Because you're the one I want to be with
There's a reason why I've picked you
Why I'm choosing to love you
I could love anyone
And I'm loving you
And you're taking that for granted
Because you know I'll never leave
You know I'll always be a phone call away
You know I'm waiting for you
Night and day
You know I'm always here
Because that's how much I ******* love you
But you don't get it

I like to wake up at 7 am
Because that's when he wakes up.
I rub my eyes
And groan about being awake before the sun.
He rolls over
And stretches his body out on his bed.
I want to kiss his forehead.
Tell him it's time to get up.
Time to get ready for the day.
I want to scratch his back.
Tell him I love him.
Tell him I can't wait for him to get home tonight,
Even though he hasn't even left yet.
His bed is miles away from my own
But when I wake up at 7 am,
It feels like we wake up in the same one.

You keep my mind off the things I want to forget
The ******* in my life that tells me I'm not worth it
The reasons why I should **** myself
You remind me that I'm special
That you love me
And when you tell me that
I don't need to cut myself
I don't need to try to drive off the bridge
I forget those feelings altogether
I forget the terror that comes with the rain
I forget the anxiety that comes with sitting next to strange men
I forget the tears that come with feeling unlovable
I forget the hangover that comes from yesterday's gripes
I ******* forget it
Because you look in my eyes
And tell me that I'm special
That you love me
And for the first time in my life
I believe it
I don't have to lie to myself
While waiting for the next best thing
Because you're it

Who am I?
What makes me so special?
To be loved in this world
To be loved in a time like this
When everyone is full of hate
And nobody can find it
In their black hearts
To be kind to anyone?
Who am I?
What makes me so special?
So worthy of love
When I'm just a nobody
Just a small speck of dust
In an endless wave of sand
A little pebble
On the bottom of the ocean
A tiny snowflake
In a blinding blizzard
Who am I?
What makes me so ******* special?
When nothing in this world
Seems special at all
Except the concept of love itself
Because it's so rare

R is for the rough times we've pulled through.
O is for the ordinary days that you make extraordinary.
S is for the sure thing we've got going.
E is for every purely golden moment that we spend together.


Without you,
My life would be through.
I don't even know what I would do,
Without you.

Without your smile,
I would never go that extra mile.
The entire world would be black and vile,
Without your smile.

Without your love,
In the sky I would never see another dove.
There probably would be no "up-above,"
Without your love.


So here's a rose for you, my love.
It means more than I can say.
So make sure it does not shrivel or wilt,
As there is but one rose in the garden.

I want you
To live with
The burden
Of remembering me

Remember my smile
And the way
It would curl
When you would
Kiss my cheek

Remember my hug
How warm
Every single embrace was
On those cold
Winter mornings

Remember my kiss
Each soft lip
Pressing against
Your own
Against your heart

Remember my laugh
How sweet
It sounded
Soft and loud
Throughout the day
And night

Remember my heart
No matter
How far away it is
Because it'll always
Remember you

I can't deny what I felt
I never will deny what I felt
Because that was
The best ******* love
I ever had
I just wish
You had been ready
I wish
You could have accepted it all
Because nobody
Will love you
The way I did
And you threw that away
You threw me away
And as much as I would love
To say I regret it all
To say I hate you
To say I wish it never happened
To say I'd take it all back
I can't
Because I can't deny what I felt
When we were in love
When you loved me back

You never said it out loud,
But you said it with your eyes.
With your **** deep inside me.
You told me you loved me,
Arms wrapped around me tight.
Lips pressed against my own.

****,
You didn't have to say it out loud.
You promised me everything.
You promised me the world.
With your eyes
Your ****
Your arms
Your lips

They say talk is cheap,
But I guess I should have waited for you to say it out loud,
Before I started making assumptions
and ******* this up.

It's always his smile that makes me melt.
His smile that tickles my soul, even when it's dark in the room.
I try to cast a cold facade,
But his warm eyes and easy going laugh turn me into a puddle.
His sweet words roll off his tongue and straight into my heart.
His big, muscular hands match up with mine.
He pokes fun at my little baby hands,
But kisses each finger with his plump brown lips.
Those decadent lips.
We giggle sweet nothings back and forth,
But those moments,
Those words,
They mean everything.
I sit up and stretch my arms.
He traces my body and kisses my back.
The three words I've longed to hear,
Finally escaping his breath.
I smile and melt back into him
As he pulls the covers over us.

You left me again
For good this time
On a December day
That was icy and cold
Sweet and snowy
Shortly after Christmas
As I clutched your hand
And tried to ask
For your heart
For you to stay
For another chance

I still wait
For a text
Or a call
Every day
I pray
That you'll want me
Again one day
But I don't think
You're coming back
Like you did before
I don't think
You love me
Like you once did
If you do
At all

Because on that day
That December day
The weather wasn't
The only thing
Cold and icy
Your heart
Gave the weather
A run for its money
As you
Ripped mine
Out of my chest

I love the thought of us.

The hand holding.
The romantic morning walks.
The Christmas card pictures.
The hand made birthday gifts.
The 2 am *****.
The 4 am pizza slices.
The funny videos we sent via text.
The giggles and gripes over bad puns.
The Friday night dinners and movies.
The matching concert tees.
The Sunday morning rainy drives.
The cups of coffee shared over a newspaper.
The lethargic post-*** cuddles.
The passionate pre-*** kisses.

I just really ******* hate you.

If you move
One Inch
In any direction
You'll move
Towards the blade.

If you move
One Inch
In any direction
You'll just
Start to cry.

If you move
One Inch
In any direction
Your cuts
Will open up.

If you move
One Inch
In any direction
You'll hurt
Yourself again.

If you move
One Inch
In any direction
You'll make
Another mistake.

You don't want
To do it
And you know
It's not okay.
But you don't
Know what else
To do
Or to whom
You can talk.
So you keep
On cutting.

How do you tell someone
That you've got your own blood on your hands?
That you still haven't cleaned the knife that ran across your thighs?
That you can't even cry because you're ******* cried out?
That your legs are bright red
And each cut is still clearly identifiable?
That you want a ******* hug but the blade is the only thing offering comfort?
That you know it's wrong but you still did it?
That your blood is still there
Four hours later,
Because if you move you'll just cut again?
How do you tell someone all of that?
How do you tell someone that,
Without scaring them away?
How do you tell someone that,
And still have them love you?

I look at the way my hand fits against yours.
Your light brown hand and my little baby hand.
You kiss my fingers one by one.
The sweet nothings you whisper in my ear mean everything to me.
As I stroke your chest and look into your dark brown eyes flecked with love and my own personal sunrise.
As I kiss your bicep and hear you tell me you love me.
As I climb on top of you and feel our bodies join together.
As I bend over and press my lips against yours while laughter escapes our smiles.
As I put my hands in yours and realize they are the hands I want to hold forever.
As I feel your eyes on my bare body and I'm finally okay with what you're seeing.

The pain
The anger
The tears
All of it is worth it
Because I get you at the end of the day.

I get you.
Your ****-face grin with the crooked teeth.
Your long, muscular arms with the milk chocolate stretch marks.
Your strong thighs with the rugby scars.
Your tender kisses with the love behind them.
Your stupid jokes mumbled under your breath.
Your warm cuddles during our sweaty sleep.

I get it all.
That's why I endure the fights,
The lack of responses,
The drunken nights out.
Because the good far outweighs the bad,
And I get you.

I fear the thought
of living without love
But more than that,
I fear the people
who are too afraid to love
because they'll never be able
to be real people
I fear these people
who choose to not love
because I don't know
if they're people at all

Sometimes you feel kinda foggy
Your hand passes in front of you
But you don't even notice it
That kind of foggy
And it doesn't really matter if you get up and do ****
Or stay in bed and wither away
Because when you pass your hand in front of you
You don't even notice it
Nothing happened

And there's this buzzing in your ears
A weird buzz
That isn't quite a buzz
Almost like a speaker turned all the way up
With no sound coming out
So it's just the sound of the speaker
But it's real faint
In the back of your mind
Foggy like your hand
Passing in front of your face
You don't even notice it

And there's people walking around you
Apparently
But they just kind of brush past
They're *******
They don't say much
And you don't really feel them jar you
They're all foggy
Like your hand

Should I really tell you?

How safe I feel in your warm embrace
How much I love to run my fingers over your ears...trace

How every time you're there, I wish you were here
How your soft, solid love takes away every little fear

How your eyes make me weak,
And even make me forget how to speak

How I love you for all one hundred flaws,
And even your big hands, full of warmth, that resemble big bear claws

There's not a thing about you I don't love
Our hearts fit together; hand in glove

Let's go home, my darling.
What is there to wait for?
I want to go home, my darling,
And never leave your sweet, should love.

Not everyone thinks of it as a compliment
When you write about them
I thought it was supposed to be nice
Ya know
Love poems and ****
I thought it was supposed to be a compliment
Ya know
Love poems and ****
He said he's embarrassed
He stifles his words through nervous laughter
Puts his head down
Scratches the same nervous patch on his neck
That he always scratches
Whenever he gets nervous
I thought I was flattering him
Ya know
I thought I was being kind
Ya know
But my muse is just too shy
My muse is just too painfully shy
My muse just doesn't know what to do with the recognition
From someone who unconditionally loves him