He was more permanent than other men,
A little more friendly -
And it don’t make no difference.

I ain’t wanted.
Why ain’t you wanted?
I don’t know.

You think it’s a lie.
You won’t get out.
But it ain’t no lie.

He cried.
Lost his smile.
Helplessly broken.

I seen things out here.
Alone out here at night.
I don’t know if I was asleep.

It’s just in their head.
Yeah… sometimes.
But… not always.

You’re nuts.
You’re crazy.
We are too.

I put my faith in pinky promises
and astrology apps.
It isn’t our mistakes that first come to mind
when I think of us,
Though they certainly do.
Instead, I remember the French cafe
From where I can no longer bring myself
to buy hot chocolate.
Instead, I remember curling up in a plastic chair,
feeding two quarters to a payphone
dropped them more than once
in my excitement for ten minutes of your time.
From Winter Beach Weddings to
Three months of “missing my calls”
I’m not quite sure how we got here.
High school rock music shook my skull.
I thought my kneecaps would pop off
and leave me sprawled on the auditorium floor.
Her angelic voice made my ears bleed.
A colossal, though unintentional, “*******”.
First heartbreaks are like golden retriever puppies:
They contain infinite stores of energy that somehow manage
to refill themselves after only a few hours’ rest.
Their blonde hair is everywhere.
You are everywhere.
We were like George and Lennie:
“clinging together in the face of loneliness and alienation”.
It was never going to end well.
And I could write (have written)
so many bitter, hurt, apologetic heartbreak poems
a million stanzas that are essentially
paraphrased Waterparks lyrics.
But none of this will change the fact
that I likely won’t receive an Orange-Crush soda
on Valentine’s Day.

Who knew
a little social-distancing hangout
low-battery-mode FaceTiming
Snickers on a fishing rod
purple-like-my-hair haiku
and some birthday s'mores
could make me feel
so loved?

We're best friends.
Doesn't matter that
I'm a high school junior and
you're a college freshman.
Until it's time to go dorm room shopping,
and then I'll "get there someday."

We're best friends.
Doesn't matter that
I live in New York and
you live in Connecticut.
Until I can't be driven to you,
and then I'm an irritation.

I go to sleep at
10 p.m
but lately it's more like
2 a.m.
because I don't want
to turn the lights off

I brush my teeth
every morning and night
but lately it doesn't matter
enough to me
because my breath will only again be soured
by bitter truths in the morning

I don't read or watch t.v.
before going to bed
but lately I've been
listening to children's stories
because they imitate the innocence
that was long ago stolen from me

I go to sleep at
10 p.m
but lately it's more like
2 a.m.
because I don't want
to turn the lights off

Sometimes there are days,
The rare days
When the medication seems to be working.
When life seems bearable,
And I see a future for myself.

But then I get to thinking,
What is it all for?
What does it all amount to?
What is my purpose in this world?

The answer is simple:
Nothing.

Spiraling once again,
I realize I want to be dead.
But right now I cannot die,
Too inconvenient a time.

So I turn to the next best thing,
To the scissors in my bathroom.
A tiny, silver, dainty pair,
That nobody would imagine the use for.

My left wrist,
Wearing a permanent white bracelet.
The skin on my hips, discolored with tally marks
Of each minute I wanted to die.

But I'm not dead.
Most would call that an achievement.
I call it weak.

I don't have the guts to get what I want,
I'm too afraid to take it.
I do though, and I realize
That at the moment I don't truly want it.

and now
becauseofyoubecauseofyou
all i can write
i can't even write
just
wavescrashingwavescrashing
waves of
c h a o t i c p o e t r y

its getting kind of sad
cuddling with Eloise
the stuffed elephant you gave me
for my 15th birthday
i mean i love her a lot
but shes not you
no one is you

no one is me
do you miss me
maybe you miss me
i hope you miss me so much
that is feels like your
esophagus is ripped out
when i say your name *
dont worry i wont say your name
i say it enough in my head
i hear it enough from my friends
but dont worry im not tired of it
one day i will finally
have the ovaries
to say all of this
but until then
maybe youll find
my hello poetry account.

how could i have not known for so long
how could you not have told me
and lets be ******* honest for once
please
we both knew that i knew
ive been lying to myself
because i knew all along
i knew you were capable of
i knew you maybe already had
i knew you still were

and i let you
i let you because
do you want to know
do you want to ******* know
well you never asked
well ill tell you anyway
i let you because
i needed you i needed you so much
and you knew that thats why you did it
not because you couldnt talk to me
because you could talk to me
you just didnt answer my **** calls

and let me tell you
let me tell you something
im so ******* tired of my *******
im tired of my *******
allowing your *******

and this so long overdue
but im making up for it now
oh im making up for it
and you be ready do you know why
you be ready because
im not doing it anymore
im not being polite
im not giving you the benefit of the doubt
without telling me the real reason
why you lied
why you ignored me
why you messed with me
why you are
still doing it

sure you said sorry
i even think you meant it
i know you meant it
but you dont act sorry

your ex girlfriend is actually lovely
and i should have been
angry at you not her
im not angry at her at all
do you know what she did
she texted me one thursday night
do you know what she said
she said sorry
she said this is so long overdue
she said i really really hope
we can be friends
do you know what i did
i let go that thursday night
do you know what i said
i said im sorry too
i said its okay
i said i would really really love
to be friends
do you know what you never did
you never spoke to me first
do you know what you never said
you never said i know i hurt you but you hurt me too
you never said can we talk about it
you never said i really really think
we can be friends
so i dont even know if we are
or if ive suddenly become
an optimist

and you take pleasure it seems
in ripping my esophagus out
because some nights
you act like were best friends again
andihopesosomuchwewillbe
and some nights
you wont even answer me
and it hurts so much
ive been trying not to cry anymore
but it hurts so much
and im so confused
just be honest with me
please

i love you so much
just as a friend too as a person
you used to love me so much
how could you have possibly
just turned it off
will you please tell me how
i havent been able to
and im tired of loving you
and not being loved back
dont you understand
thats all ive ever wanted
thats all i want
just please love me back

and it's so fragile
so let's start with
two-thirds of
our faces
every few hours

You may seem a little more
frozen than the rest,
but all you really need is
a little more time to
warm up.

Why he broke my light.
Why she holds my love.
Why they invade my dreams
Both day and night.

Every day when I see you,
My heart does a little dance,
But it also cries out in pain,
We will never be more than friends.

It's snowing
Snowing like it was
All those years ago

Snowing it like it was
When we stumbled outside
Giggling and shivering

Snowing like it was
When we kissed the icy flakes
Off of each other's eyelashes

Snowing like it was
When you and I
were us

It's snowing
So I should be with you
But you're with her.

and when you say my name
you'd think I had
one million Delta miles
from the trips my heart goes on
- except it doesn’t
because
my flight was cancelled
I’ve had this ticket for
nine months and twenty-three days
it was non-refundable
but I'm already on the plane
Dunkin’ coffee cup
perched precariously on the armrest
they almost spelled my name right
my phone only has 11%
I knew it could charge
right when we boarded
I thought you were waiting for me
you made paper “welcome” signs
and set up the pullout couch
I’ve been waiting
two hundred and ninety-eight days
and now you're telling me
this plane isn’t going anywhere.
my hopes for us have jammed the engines.

My friends say I smile all the time,
That I don't have a serious face.
I find this particularly funny,
Because I constantly remind myself
That my frown must be erased.

Nobody wants to see
What is really under my mask.
And if they have a clue what it is,
They are too afraid to ask.

Two years ago today
Was our one month anniversary
Your father wouldn't let me come over
He never did approve of us.

Two years ago today
I loved you too much
I liked the feeling too much
I hated life too much

Two years ago today
I was surrounded by
Six half-full bottles of
Cymbalta.

Two years ago today
I emptied those pills
Into my heart and they
Infected my soul.

Two years ago today
I had a seizure in my bed
And lost all memory
Of the week leading up to it.

Two years ago today
I was rushed to the hospital
Lay shaking in the bed
Unable to lift my head.

Two years ago today
You visited me, eyes filled with
Something I'd never seen in them:
Dread.

Two years ago today
You climbed into my bed and
Held me like you thought
I would shatter.

Two years ago today
Was the very last day
I would ever have
You.

When you kissed me
your soft blonde hair
chilled by the icy wind
wrapped around my infected piercing
pulled at it painfully
dislodged the scab
and made it bleed.
I said nothing
not wanting to upset you.
In turn
I threw my arms around you
and buried my face against
your shoulder
compressing the fresh cuts
lined perfectly on your arms.
You cried out
and pushed me away.

I have figured out
that all I have to do
is put on my most
blissful
grand
lip-tearing
smile
for you to notice me.
So I will rip apart
every single muscle
in my face
for you to
smile back.

icy blue eyes
fixed just below
the camera

almost
but not quite
calling me home.

There once was an brave mushroom
Who happened to be named Clyde.

Clyde had a quaint little log
Inside which he did reside.

He had strong opinions on politics
Which created a bit of a divide.

Clyde never let this get to him
And to the haters, he exposed his backside.

It was for this outrageous action
That he became known worldwide.

Clyde used his new popularity
To speak out against mushroom genocide.

He attracted the attention of the revered Society of Toadstools
They, just like him, were rather dissatisfied.

Clyde and the Toadstools went to the king
Who told them his hands were tied.

The queen, angered by her husband’s apathy
Exclaimed that the killings were unjustified.

Clyde and the Toadstools stared in awe
As the queen strode away from his side.

“I have a solution for this,” she announced
“We shall rid the human murderers with cyanide!”

Clyde and the Toadstools, though frightened,
Still with her plan complied.

Inside the human structures they released the gas
Finally, with glee, watched as the humans died.

Clyde and all the other fungi spent the rest of their days in peace
And tales of their bravery that live on are not one bit glorified.

I am only alive
to see for myself if
I am truly wanted,
if people truly need me,
or if I am a burden.

I want break down,
I want to cry,
but all I can do
is suffer in silence.

My body is numb
but my chest is tight
with so much pain.

I feel nothing
and everything.

This is depression.

today at lunch
I saw lilly -
like the flower but
with another l,
a fake -
your girlfriend
(soon to be ex
but you don't know that yet)
she actually smiled at me -
i think she was surprised
i hope so -
in response
my ****** muscles
contorted into a
smile(?) more false
than i ever believed i was
capable of producing.
it wasn't really a smile
it was
******* For Ripping Her Away From Me
it was
I Would Like To Punch You But Self Control
maybe (fingers crossed)
it scared her.

Eli S.                                  10/3/17
To: Eli S.

NO SUBJECT

Are you here yet?

Sincerely, Eli S.

i see that you have
now graduated from a
two-hour response time
to leaving me on opened.

and i know
that to you
it's just a game

but you know
exactly how to
make my heart ache

i made her smile
.
.
.
that's all.

Why do I not write
Poems about good feelings
Will they ever last?

If I write poems
About the good feelings then
Maybe they will last.

You think I can
be silenced
and I almost find
that funny.

can't speak a word
without crying
can't form a smile
without lying

She was there for you
When I had to be there for myself

    -  The only thing I cannot compete with.

Don’t kid yourself
They’re only your friend when they
need a ride
have no plans
want some reassurance
are in pain.

Don’t kid yourself.
They’re only your friend when
it’s convenient.

one day i will finally
have the ovaries
to say all of this
but until then
maybe youll find
my hello poetry account.