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ohellobeautiful Oct 2018
i'm not sure
who planted this seed
inside all of our heads
whispering quietly

”stop feeling so much"

who made the assumption
that feelings = weakness?
because those two terms
have never been seamless

to dip into your depths
with no feelings oppressed
takes the kind of courage
most fear cant be fed

weakness evolves
from putting all of
your energy into
building up
the walls
that block
the flow of life
that was meant
to move you
further into the
depths of the you
you didn’t know
you never knew

to feel
and i mean,
to really feeeel
every ounce of this
human experience
comes with a bravery
that most resist

it breaks you apart
shakes you down
uprooting all
that’s been

to guide you
from within

to let this life
overcome you
with whatever
emotions
it may,
while being
proud of it too?

now, that
is strength

that is the
weakness
pouring
out of
you

Alyssa Underwood Jul 2016
O Lord Jesus,
I want to live and walk and bow
in constant awe of You,
but I am so easily distracted and waylaid.
Fasten my eyes and heart on You,
for You alone are worthy.
I am not worthy to even peek at Your beauty,
but by Your own worthiness You've invited
me to dwell forever in Your presence,
yet how often I refuse the privilege.
Why would I ever do that?
What is wrong with me?
How hard-headed and hard-hearted I must be!
Save me from my messed-up self
and from this messed-up world,
for I am sorely helpless and lost without You.
Draw me by the force of Your love
into the light of Your glory and goodness,
awaken me to the healing touch of Your Word.

Capture and change me to the core,
for only You can, my Savior.
Rid my soul of its blinding
filth, muck, rot and *******
that I may freely sing, dance,
swim and soar in the wonder of You.
Cause me to crave You with an insatiable,
desperate appetite that expels my fleshly hunger.
Teach me to ever feast on You!
I need You and long for You, Jesus,
but send the burning, ripping ache
deeper, deeper, deeper until nothing
remains but desire for You.
Come and satisfy me, O Delight of delights,
in that glorious and awestruck place
of endless fascination and total possession
where my will is finally drowned in Yours.
tell me
who drew you in 
and made you think
the bones and joints
within your knees
the veins and nerves
mapping out your entire being
were not already complete?

who made you see
through their broken glass
who made you think
it was okay not to ask
to ask you how
it made you feel 
when they realized
they weren't going to be real
to you or to your swollen heart

you were just so beautiful to see
they just couldn't let you be
and when they fed you their falsities
they made you think you had to stay
as if half of you had gone away

when in truth—you were noting short of gold

and you should have been told
the one thing they couldn't be
was everything they knew
you needed them to be

and when this realization hits
they don't even have the heart to admit
you were everything they wanted
but couldn't be

so they just had to taste it 
they had to feel your breeze
and they take and they take
and then they leave...

but darling don't you fret

for they will never forget
the love they found in you
the love you still hold true
the love that's grown too

you needed them to help you through
so now you see that the best part of life
has always been about loving you
Yenson Apr 4
A thousand remembrance is but one remembrance
a stirring melody only resonates if it moves the spirit
Lingers not a remembrance needlessly uncharitable
For on it's return will only find a soundless empty vista

You can gaze a thousand sights with empty glazed eyes
knowing it pours with transparent ease into a withering hole
for neither soul or mind find allure or worthiness in facades
the sages teaches passions governed not passions extracted

A thousand orators does not mean a thousand pulpit wits
sounds,voices needs welcoming home to attain completeness
in absence thus, they might as well be anything and nothing
disinterest, unattuned renders a deaf companion readily

A spartan is more than everyman less than the warrior king
in acute governance of mind, spirit and the call of the beast
for the chimes of climates races uneven, fallible thrones beware
In vagaries and shifts certainty stems within in tempered minds




[email protected] reserved
Inside the box of dreams contingent to divergent nightmares
In the confines of a large painting and solitude and suns
You smell the beauty of her soluble features in the eyes as one
Does it do to have a surplus of truth
The ego of driving id letting your inner self spasm without word's worth and worthiness
Relate to someone, whose heights you must torch and focus on oh so much
Buffering winds and engulfing flames, and paint of wolf and werewolves
The moist stench of inventiveness and red veritas of the current year, in the current art of the raw and cooked
Often, thousands of years could be prepared, before you learn a decade of failure, brewing strangely
Decadence doesn't exist in this defined structure wither the body withers in song and dance
Sundry and adamantine guillotines do sew her flesh in hatchets, axes, and bows
Arches and gallantry of cavalry in a dither and dearth dense censuring, of diseased purgatory
Looking at yourself beyond the riches, and rags to ditches.
So, this is a failure to communicate. Well, I'll take history any day.
alia May 10
You don’t think much of your words.
You think they’re just words.

But to the new blooming
Who have yet to fend themselves
From your fatal tongue

The impact is long lasting.
The youth don’t comprehend the cause of your words nor sincerity of them.
They only endure the damage.

Damaged from the get go
Caused to question their worthiness
This is the culture of the kids.

We don’t know what we’re talking about
We are naive with no sense of direction
Confused to say the least, am I wrong?

You belittle us from the start
And then question our outcome.

Your words weigh us down
For they crush our straggling hopes
**** our aspirations
And condemn us to nothingness.

This is the culture of the kids.
Ohh how I long to be touched

Sensuality is a beautiful gift

Hunger for such

Signals yearning to find someone who

With you is crushed.

Humans need humans

Age doesn’t define worthiness

Looks fail to be merely a reflection

Years without the sensual release

Starts personality’s infection

The energy is just

This man longs for  intimate encounters

He is no pervert but a romantic

Pieces to his puzzle are missing

Could you be the mate to please and company

A soul that yearns for deeper things than just kissing
James Nov 2018
don't do it, unless you feel a strong urge to compel others to turn around, smile and make a fool of themselves along side the ******* worthiness of the woman who robbed everything of men. a broken heart will sometimes turnover, write and convince others that they too are ******. that the g-d has ****** them. my cigarette hurts from being awake at this hour, talking **** about how you'll quit tomorrow.
you don't see anything other than the orange tinted filter that half-empty glass gives you. it makes everything a little easier to stomach;

thats the first time i've admitted that to myself
written in one go, one afternoon
but maybe
it’s a beautiful thing
that we can never be perfect
maybe in fact, there is bliss found
in the idea that there is no limit to
being more of something we want
or less of something we don’t

maybe humans arrived
with the purpose to be
perfectly imperfect

so that as we grow our awareness
to the expansiveness of our souls
we quietly choose qualities
we want to be more or less of
throughout all of our lives

to be more compassionate
to be less ******* ourselves

i mean look at us
already carrying so much
so much worthiness and beauty
but still always wanting to be more

and i don’t think it will ever stop
i don’t think there is a limit
to what we can ever be

so in a sense,
in our current now state
we may feel imperfect
as we think of all we hope to be
and know we aren’t quite there yet

but isn’t knowing
there is more to see
more to grow
more to know

isn’t that
what we came here for?
A Simillacrum Dec 2018
not only is beauty supposedly
in the eye of the beholder, it
also reportedly emerges from
an intangible depth within

okay, then, so that means ugliness
comes similarly from within,
or doesn't it, baby?

so then, ugliness must begin and end
in the pit of your stomach, and in
the words that pass the tongue
on the exit from your **** mouth

so then, ugliness must begin and end
in the nerves buried in sleeves, and in
the actions that slip the heart
sneaking past the brain, and vice versa.

on the grab from your dead hands.
on the grab from your dead hands.

not only does it tend to work
unlike the excitable pretend it works,
the implication is, that half of your
worthiness is linked to the mercy

of the mass effect.
as for a thought, a dream,
an intent, an outcome,
a vision, a nightmare,
a hermit knows the good folk
permit attractiveness to good lines.
4 gibs. take it and do some super artsy dook on it!
^·^;
Cynthia Montano Sep 2018
Why can’t you completely accept yourself as you are? What is stopping you from loving yourself? I feel as though it’s hard for someone to completely accept their self as they are because they’re use to being told how they should look, being on social media, and looking at images of certain people. What is stopping someone from loving their self is when they point out the things they don’t like about themselves, and can’t seem to take their mind completely off of it. Though, at the end of the day I feel that you shouldn’t be beautiful for anybody else but yourself.
“Why can’t you completely accept yourself as you are?” There were people of all ages that would find it better to wear makeup and get plastic surgery, but there is a disagreement that it shouldn’t be needed to make someone feel better about themselves because even if they decide to make those changes, their problems won’t because they’ll always be there. There was plenty of deep research on reasons why plastic surgery was good, why it was bad, reasons why makeup was good, and why it was bad. Though, we are leaning more towards why it is bad because we are focused on why can’t others completely accept themselves as they are without relying on plastic surgery and makeup.
I came across this website that spoke about reasons why women would get plastic surgery. “Some want to look younger”(WebMD) it’s very true that most girls and women want to look younger because when we all start to get old. We feel as though there is no hope in finding someone for ourselves, when in fact there is someone out there for us. It has to be the person that is the most accepting of you. Another statement was “Cosmetic surgery won’t change your life. It won’t solve personal problems or make you look like someone else,”(WebMD). It’s very true that it won’t solve your problems because others will still view you the same way because it doesn’t matter how you look. It’s the personality that sticks out the most. Though, it is very silly to believe that personality actually matters, it’s true because sometimes looks don’t last or change as much as a person’s personality.
There was a website that spoke about the issues and finances of plastic surgery and in the article it states that, ”Many people struggle with confidence issues because of their  appearance,”(Occupy theory). Many people can’t completely accept themselves as they are so they start to lack confidence, compare themselves to others, put themselves down, and they don’t believe that they are actually as beautiful as people tell them they are. Another statement that was made was, “Plastic surgery is one of the highest costs for surgery there is,”(Occupy theory). There shouldn’t be any reason why women should waste their money on getting plastic surgery because it just isn’t worth it especially if it’ll all be for the wrong reasons.
There were reasons why women would wear makeup, and what stuck out the most is when it stated, “It’s a way to be expressive,”(Mathews 4). It’s very true that most girls and women want to be more expressive with the type of makeup that they wear because it shows a different but creative side to them. Another statement that stuck out the most is when it stated, “Do not wear it because you think you’re at an age where it’s necessary to start wearing it. Wear it because you want to,” (Mathews 4). Everything that a person does in their life is because they want to do it when it is right for them, not when someone tell them when to start wearing it.
There were pros and cons of make up and in the article it stated, “wearing makeup everyday can cause serious skin problems,”(Warjri 4). No girl should really feel the need to wear makeup everyday because they need to let their skin breathe because there isn’t a problem with just being natural. It’s better to start embracing your skin and being completely natural instead of being afraid. Another statement that was being made was, “A layer of makeup on the skin clogs the pores and prevents skin from breathing,”(Warjri 4). Wondering why you still get pimples? Well, wearing makeup everyday is what is causing that to happen. So, trying to wear makeup trying to cover up the pimples isn’t going to solve much.
A book called, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, connects in some way to my why question which is why it stuck out a lot. As I was reading the book, the part that stuck out is when it stated, “The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us,”(Brown pg 17). It’s important to accept ourselves and others as they are because in reality nobody is perfect. That’s why no girl or women should be obligated to wear makeup just so they can be seen as “beautiful” by other people. Another statement that stuck out the most to me was, “What does it take to live and love from a place of worthiness? How do we embrace imperfection? How do we cultivate what we need and let go of the things that are holding us back? The answers to all of these questions are courage, compassion, and connection—the tools we need to work our way through our journey,”(Brown pg 1). This stuck out the most to me because compassion and connection are very important and that’s what should matter the most. Not how you look.
The solution is that everyone should test themselves and try their best to last at least a few weeks without using products to make themselves feel “beautiful” or to make themselves feel better, and they’ll start to realize that it’s better getting up in the morning not having to worry about putting certain things on to make them feel better about themselves.
This was something I wrote for my English class in college that I was very passionate about and cared for. Don't be afraid to disagree or agree with what I've written or give feed back. It would be much appreciated. <3
Casey W. E. Robinson
Facebook Post

October 7, 2018

Today, I filled out a survey regarding physical, emotional, and ****** abuse suffered within the asexual community. As I wrote down one of my answers, I remembered one of the hardest days of my life. And what made me the most sad, was how invisible my experience was. How to this day, only a handful of people know what I went through. But things don’t change if we don’t tell our stories and so I decided I want to share my story today. Here is my answer to the survey question:

“I grew up Mormon. In order to be married within the Mormon faith, you have to pass an interview to deem your worthiness. Only by passing the interview can you be married in the temple which allows your marriage to continue after death. I was 22 when I got engaged. I was concerned about my future marriage because I am ***-repulsed and asexual. My fiance was aware of this and said she still wanted to marry me, but I was afraid that she was making a mistake. I didn’t know if someone could possibly consent to a sexless monogamous marriage at such a young age and with so little experience. How could she make a well-informed decision about whether or not to give up *** for me when she hadn’t even had *** before?”

“I loved her, but I was afraid. I was afraid we would get married and she would regret the sacrifices she had to make for me. I was afraid she would be unhappy and I would be reminded of my shortcomings every time I looked into her sad eyes. I already felt like a freak because of my sexuality and I was terrified that being married would remind me of how I felt every single day. But I wasn’t just afraid of getting married, I was also afraid of ending the relationship. This may be the only person I’ll ever find who agrees to be with me, I thought. More than my fear of marriage, I was afraid of being alone.”

“A couple months before the wedding, I had my worthiness interview. The interview is done with a Stake President, the highest authority in a local area. I decided to share my concerns in hopes that he could provide me some inspired counsel. What I received was anything but. He told me he would not let me be married. He had seen other men who lacked a desire to have *** with their fiances and they always ended up being ***. And when the man was ***, marriages were destined for failure. He could not let that happen to my poor fiance. He counseled that for me to stay in favor with the Lord, I would have to stay single for the rest of my life. And then he walked me out of his office.”

“With one short interview, everything I planned for myself came crashing down. After 22 years of filling my head with dreams of eternal companionship and raising children, I was suddenly told to throw it all away. Love was for other people, not me. I was too broken. I was a freak, the freak I always believed myself to be.”

“I quickly made my way back to my car so I could have some privacy. With the door shut, I exploded. I felt utterly devastated. I could handle neither the long-term implications of what I just been told, nor the short term implications. I was now supposed to call my fiance, who I loved, and tell her it was over. I was supposed to announce to my friends and family that the wedding was off. They would surely ask me why. And the only answer I had for them was that I was a freak, I was not meant for love.”

“I felt my blood boil as I screamed and sobbed in the car. I was overcome with anger and sorrow. Unfortunately, it was not safe for me at the time to direct my anger at the most logical place it was due - my religion. Everyone I knew and loved was Mormon. The university I attended was Mormon. I could lose everything if I directed my anger in the wrong place. So I took it all out on the only person I knew how to - myself. I found a paperclip in my car and started digging into my arms ferociously. I hated myself for being different and the only thing that could grant me temporary forgiveness was to feel blood trickling down my arms.”

“This was the single worst instance of emotional abuse I suffered as an asexual person. Unfortunately, it was far from the only abuse I suffered. By my early teens, I had already internalized being different as being broken. And to hide my brokenness, I betrayed myself over and over and over again. I joined with my friends in stating which girls in school I would “tap”, knowing full well I hoped to never “tap” anyone ever. I kissed girls and tried to contort my face to show passion instead of discomfort. I made sure to never talk about my deepest fears.”

“And over time as I hid myself more and more, I found that I stopped existing altogether. All that was left of me was a teeny glimmer of consciousness observing as the people-pleasing puppet I created continued through the motions of what was supposed to be my life. I spent years and years of therapy trying to get myself back, but was unsuccessful. I was diagnosed first with depression and later with PTSD. I tried all the medicines, all the therapeutic modalities, and 10 rounds of electroshock therapy. Everything failed - nothing could change the hate I felt deep down for myself.”

“I continued to experience daily suicidal ideation until late last year when I finally found the key to saving my life - MDMA assisted therapy. MDMA is the pure form of the street drug known as ecstacy. By doing therapy while on MDMA, a person is able to feel safe and secure enough to bring light into their deepest, darkest spaces. In the first 2 rounds of FDA trials, MDMA therapy has found a 70% cure rate for treatment resistant PTSD. I am incredibly grateful to be among the cured.”

However, now that I finally on the other side in my own personal healing, what still breaks my heart is knowing that there are thousands of kids and teenagers out there internalizing their differences to mean that they are broken. And just like me, those internalizations will stay with them for years, if not the rest of their lives. Like me, it will cause them to dissociate, to hide, to cut themselves, to attempt suicide. And it breaks my heart to see family members and friends raise their kids in the same environment that has the potential to cause all this pain.

As I see references to the Mormon general conference all over my Facebook wall this weekend, my heart aches for those that are still stuck in it. Stuck believing in a God that asks them to betray their own health and well being. Stuck hoping for a change. I wish so badly I could drag them all out of it. It is hard to transition but it so, so, so much better on the other side.

Over the years, I’ve had some more open-minded Mormons ask me how they can be allies to their LGBTQ brothers and sisters. Here is the hard truth that I’ve only fully learned since leaving myself - you can’t. You can not be a good ally and believe in a God that asks people to betray themselves. You can not be a good ally and pay 10% of your earnings to an organization that contributes to LGBTQ people’s suffering and suicides. You simply can not. You can either walk the tightrope of non-orthodox Mormondom or you can walk away completely. But you can not be both a good ally to LGBTQ people and have an uncomplicated relationship with the Mormon church - it is not possible.

Thanks for listening to my story.
Came up today

— The End —