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You've struggled with trusting people because your childhood taught you it's hard to trust anyone - ever. Even speaking to a therapist that doesn't understand the meaning of "confidentially" because they feel like telling someone else your life will be them helping you.

You're trying to figure out what your only solution is to ever becoming "normal" because you're completely tired of feeling like everyone is plotting against you or feeling so depressed you don't ever want to go out and having to make excuses for why you're better off not going out.

What is normal even?
How does someone even begin to become normal?
When we encounter people and socialize with them. It always begins well because you're meeting them for the first time and getting to know them. Strangely enough you become friends or more then that. Everything goes perfectly well in the beginning until a day comes where you truly see them for who they are. It either makes you disappointed or happy.

The disappointment always hits me hard because I've gotten use to how well things were in the beginning that when the disappointment hits. It's hard to let go.

It's hard to let go because I make myself believe that it'll be back to the first encounter I've had with them.

You can try as hard as you possibly can and you can have all the hope in the world BUT it's a 50/50 chance of it ever going back to the first encounter.
I'm using first person and second person in my writing I apologize for any confusion in my writing but I hope you enjoy it.
The reality of life is not everything is going to go the way you planned or expected it to go. Not everything is going to be perfect because there will be moments of complete disappointment, and now you feel like your life has flipped upside down because you had these expectations and plans that didn't happen. When in reality you're supposed to let things happen as you go on about your day each and everyday because you have to grow, learn, and experience everything. Everyone struggles to understand that there's no need to rush through anything in life and you should always put your happiness first before everyone/everything else.
Cynthia Montano Nov 2018
We carry ourselves so well to avoid pity
We carry ourselves so well to avoid speaking of our problems
and avoiding to try and find a solution
Because we feel that it'll all go away within time
We carry ourselves well enough that we BELIEVE we're ok
We BELIEVE that if we smile hard enough
It'll change our mood
But the fact of the matter is
We handle our problems so well
Because we WANT to improve
We WANT to be strong
We WANT to be happy
We WANT others to see that NOTHING can stand in our way
Cynthia Montano Nov 2018
Sometimes we lose ourselves trying to make others happy
Because we feel that if we keep others happy
It'll only make us happy knowing they're content in their life
But why do we always put our happiness aside for others?
Because we think our problems are difficult and can't be helped or we dont want to be a burden to others
So we prefer to help others more than ourselves
But its time we start putting our happiness first
Because our happiness matters.
Cynthia Montano Sep 2018
Why can’t you completely accept yourself as you are? What is stopping you from loving yourself? I feel as though it’s hard for someone to completely accept their self as they are because they’re use to being told how they should look, being on social media, and looking at images of certain people. What is stopping someone from loving their self is when they point out the things they don’t like about themselves, and can’t seem to take their mind completely off of it. Though, at the end of the day I feel that you shouldn’t be beautiful for anybody else but yourself.
“Why can’t you completely accept yourself as you are?” There were people of all ages that would find it better to wear makeup and get plastic surgery, but there is a disagreement that it shouldn’t be needed to make someone feel better about themselves because even if they decide to make those changes, their problems won’t because they’ll always be there. There was plenty of deep research on reasons why plastic surgery was good, why it was bad, reasons why makeup was good, and why it was bad. Though, we are leaning more towards why it is bad because we are focused on why can’t others completely accept themselves as they are without relying on plastic surgery and makeup.
I came across this website that spoke about reasons why women would get plastic surgery. “Some want to look younger”(WebMD) it’s very true that most girls and women want to look younger because when we all start to get old. We feel as though there is no hope in finding someone for ourselves, when in fact there is someone out there for us. It has to be the person that is the most accepting of you. Another statement was “Cosmetic surgery won’t change your life. It won’t solve personal problems or make you look like someone else,”(WebMD). It’s very true that it won’t solve your problems because others will still view you the same way because it doesn’t matter how you look. It’s the personality that sticks out the most. Though, it is very silly to believe that personality actually matters, it’s true because sometimes looks don’t last or change as much as a person’s personality.
There was a website that spoke about the issues and finances of plastic surgery and in the article it states that, ”Many people struggle with confidence issues because of their  appearance,”(Occupy theory). Many people can’t completely accept themselves as they are so they start to lack confidence, compare themselves to others, put themselves down, and they don’t believe that they are actually as beautiful as people tell them they are. Another statement that was made was, “Plastic surgery is one of the highest costs for surgery there is,”(Occupy theory). There shouldn’t be any reason why women should waste their money on getting plastic surgery because it just isn’t worth it especially if it’ll all be for the wrong reasons.
There were reasons why women would wear makeup, and what stuck out the most is when it stated, “It’s a way to be expressive,”(Mathews 4). It’s very true that most girls and women want to be more expressive with the type of makeup that they wear because it shows a different but creative side to them. Another statement that stuck out the most is when it stated, “Do not wear it because you think you’re at an age where it’s necessary to start wearing it. Wear it because you want to,” (Mathews 4). Everything that a person does in their life is because they want to do it when it is right for them, not when someone tell them when to start wearing it.
There were pros and cons of make up and in the article it stated, “wearing makeup everyday can cause serious skin problems,”(Warjri 4). No girl should really feel the need to wear makeup everyday because they need to let their skin breathe because there isn’t a problem with just being natural. It’s better to start embracing your skin and being completely natural instead of being afraid. Another statement that was being made was, “A layer of makeup on the skin clogs the pores and prevents skin from breathing,”(Warjri 4). Wondering why you still get pimples? Well, wearing makeup everyday is what is causing that to happen. So, trying to wear makeup trying to cover up the pimples isn’t going to solve much.
A book called, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, connects in some way to my why question which is why it stuck out a lot. As I was reading the book, the part that stuck out is when it stated, “The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us,”(Brown pg 17). It’s important to accept ourselves and others as they are because in reality nobody is perfect. That’s why no girl or women should be obligated to wear makeup just so they can be seen as “beautiful” by other people. Another statement that stuck out the most to me was, “What does it take to live and love from a place of worthiness? How do we embrace imperfection? How do we cultivate what we need and let go of the things that are holding us back? The answers to all of these questions are courage, compassion, and connection—the tools we need to work our way through our journey,”(Brown pg 1). This stuck out the most to me because compassion and connection are very important and that’s what should matter the most. Not how you look.
The solution is that everyone should test themselves and try their best to last at least a few weeks without using products to make themselves feel “beautiful” or to make themselves feel better, and they’ll start to realize that it’s better getting up in the morning not having to worry about putting certain things on to make them feel better about themselves.
This was something I wrote for my English class in college that I was very passionate about and cared for. Don't be afraid to disagree or agree with what I've written or give feed back. It would be much appreciated. <3
Cynthia Montano Sep 2018
You're not alone
But being the presence of someone that makes you feel alone
Is one of the most painful feelings you could ever feel
Because you sit there wondering
Is it something about you?
That makes you uninteresting
So you keep trying to figure out ways
To make everything better
Because you want the attention
They use to give you before
You want things to be as they were
Because you can't get yourself
To accept that things change
You can't accept that there'll be times
When there isn't much left to say
So you just sit there in silence
And hope for the best
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