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Elli Dec 2018
Step 1. Delete everything. Delete her photos of her laughing, the picture of both of your shoes during a summer day you took after going to the book fair with her, the conversation you screenshotted of her saying "we are soulmates". It's too painful for you to bear now, you don't need a physical reminder of the void she left.

Step 2. Stay on routine. Wake up, get dressed, go to school, go to work, study, sleep. Be tired. Let your body ache as you lie down the cold mattress where the winter winds outside your window lulls you to sleep. Overthinking is your enemy.

Step 3. Write a letter for her. Tell her everything you wanted to say. How your heart broke a million pieces when she sent you her last text. How you thought she was going to be with you forever. Talk about the would've-been future you were going to have, the two cats you were supposed to raise, and the places you were supposed to see together. But don't ever send it.

Step 4.  Don't go back to the day when it ended. December 6, 2018 at approximately 9:38 p.m. You were standing in the rain, she tells you "I don't feel good." and walks away, leaving you to stand there alone. It's the day where you finally see the cracks, but realized it's too late to fix a week later when she finally messages you.

Step 5. Stumble upon a TED Talk about getting over a heartbreak, you cry for 12 minutes straight watching it. You do what the speaker tells you because you feel lost. He said to write down a list of why this person is unfit for you, and you finally realized that love has made you look at her through cloudy filtered lens.

Step 6. Don't open her friend's snapchat stories and see her there, smiling, and having fun. Don't wonder if her heart is as broken as yours.

Step 7. Fail. Miserably. But get up anyway, because only time can tell.

Step 8. Get out of your comfort zone. Reach out to people, start conversations. Go to the places you planned to see with her, and see those places by yourself or maybe with other people.

Step 9. Find new hobbies, and go out on your own. Make new memories with other people and enjoy your own company.

Step 10. Know that 7 years is a long time to spend with someone, so it will take some time. But one day you will wake up and you won't even notice the void she has left.
Honestly, this could apply to platonic and romantic relationships. Idk how to feel about this piece, I don't really like it. But here goes nothing.
Elli Jul 2017
You sighed so much
your lungs almost collapsed.

Is existing the same
as living?

You tell yourself
that "today is the day"
day after day
after day
after day

But depression drags you
back to your bed.
It tells you
"there's another day"
haven't posted in a while b/c i was busy with uni. Actually I need to study for an exam on wednesday and I barely started. welp.
Elli Dec 2016
For the longest time I thought that what we had was love
but it wasn't

Because I'm not supposed to feel scared and anxious when I miss a text or call
because I'm afraid that you'll lash out on me

It's not supposed to make me feel scared as if I have to tip toe around egg shells to make sure that I stay on your good mood

My friends aren't supposed to lose count on how many times I cried over you and yet they could count the times I was happy in one hand

And I was desperate to believe that you were the real you when you're happy
and that whenever you're mad it's actually my fault
because you say it is

When you say sorry I would always hang on to it like a man in the desert desperate for water,
because you always say that you didn't mean to (and because it was simply my fault)

Your anger started to become my punishments,
it became a way for me to burry myself with guilt and constantly blaming myself that I should've learned by now to know what you want
because ultimately it's my fault

The word "no" disappeared from my vocabulary because guilt and fear has eaten it away  

You used to ask me why I never get angry,
but being angry at you will just amplify your anger towards me

But it's been years now,
and I finally got my voice back,
It took me time to repair what was broken,
and get the missing pieces back together

It's been years now,
but I still get anxious when my phone rings
Elli Aug 2016
You asked me how much I love you
and I couldn't tell you,
not because I don't,
but because my love for you is something
that cannot be chained down by words
for it is something beyond the common tongue

But I do know that I love you as deep and vast
as the oceans that separates us,
and even though you can see the sun
while I see the moon,
it is comforting to know that we are
under the same sky
Written for the girl I was in love with who lives in a different continent than me.
Elli Jun 2016
I used to be so caught up with the thought that
my worthiness is measured by how many people love me, or think i'm pretty.
Maybe that's why I try to make them fall in love with me and make them feel vulnerable.
I love having that power over someone because the more they tell me they love me,
the more drunk I get with the feeling of being worthy.
But no matter how much I get high with their love,
it does not fill the gaping void in my heart and soul.
I think that's why no matter how many I love you's roll out my tongue, it does not feel as real to me at the end.
But I've come to realization that it's okay if nobody loves me, or maybe nobody will ever love me.
Maybe that's not the point.
**Maybe it's not about being loved by somebody else.
I don't need someone in order to be happy.
Elli Mar 2016
How many boys do I have to kiss,
and bottles to drink,
in order to blur your face and forget your name?

But this is my destruction,
I've accepted it the moment I fell in love.

Because loving you is being vulnerable and naked,
it was my choice and never your fault.

I just knew you were destruction,
but worth sacrificing everything for.

But now that I have nothing,
what will happen now?
I know that’s a stupid thing to do but understand that I was madly in love with you. People tend to lose their instincts when they're in love.
Elli Nov 2015
After two months of silence,
your name appears on my phone
quite randomly,
which is funny because a minute before that,
I decided to let go a small(huge) part of me who is still hoping.

It seems like you wanted to pick up where we left off,
but I burned that bridge a long time ago,
because I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't run back to you
the moment I said goodbye.
I love you and miss you so much, but it's too late to go back.

( thinking about you is distracting me from studying and finals is a week from now, so I just had to write about you, again. )
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