The feeding tube had left her mouth a gap.
Allowing her breath to dry, her lips and crack. I dampend the spounge on a stick and applied the moisture her lips severaly were lacking.
I had never seen her like this.  
Helplessness doesn’t suit her, yet she has been wearing it for months now because of me I’m sure.
She opened her eyes.
My heart skipped a beat.
I pull from my transe of guilt and rise from my seat. “Hello.” I say wiping away any trace of tears, but no matter how hard I tried I knew I wouldn’t wipe away the fear.
I wait, watcing her reaction intently.
“Please remember me this time…” I beg her without a single word.
“Pain…” Her voice cracked..
“I’m in pain Ashley.” Her words slurred.
I push the button for the nurse and kiss her forhead. She remembers me this time!
I don’t know what to say beside, “I’m so sorry.” In shame.
15 months ago I graduated high school.... This should be the beginning, not the end.
She cried and I held her head to my chest as I brushed her hair with my fingers.
Something she taught me long ago.
Her loving gestures through my heart will always echo. She helped me survive.
She was my breathing machine.
My morphine.
My life coach.
Once medicated she fell asleep.
She left her pain for now, but the thought that in hours her pain would wake her made me weap.
There was a light knock and the curtain opended.
A lady wearing nice clothes and a gentle smile stepped forward.
“Hello Ashley, I’m Janice with St. Mary’s hospice.” "Hospice?" I ask, never hearing of it before.
She was one of many that week.
After nearly a month, mom woke up.
“I’m tired,” Her dry house voice tried to speak.
Her lips began to quiver against the feeding tube, she was so weak.
“Close your eyes and rest.” I said knowing there was a deeper meaning in her words.
She shook her heard no, tears now streaking her face. “Stop.” She croaked.
I knew she wanted to leave this place.
I pressed the button for the nurse.
“Are you ready to take the feeding tube out mom?” I asked openly, regreating every word.
She looked at me with such big eyes, so much emotion stirred.
Extreme fear, confusion, sadness, feeling I’d never seen her express.
I hated seeing her in this stranger like state.
Imagine the pressure layed upon you, to choose your fate.
In a way, I know, for my job was to figure moms wants and then make her life or death decision.
With her beautiful eyes locked on mine, she shook her head yes.
“Are you sure?” Oh how I wish I could clean up this mess.
She shook her head yes again as the nurse got another stranger. After the nurse gave her more morphine I asked for the number to St. Johns hospice.
Mom started to drift away and I left her with a kiss. They removed the feeding tube.
13 days passed.
Much longer then the doc’s thought she’d last.
No food.
No water.
The repeated question ran through my head, was I a good or bad daughter.
Regaurdless my selfish thoughts, she lay still unable to answer, she looked happier though.
She never spoke after we talked about her choice to leave, how I’d wished she said no.
I lived in complete shame.  
I had lost the best part of me, without her, my body felt lame.
I had to be strong for my sister, whom I’d been left to care for.
I was her stone.
I then lived as a stone.
Brainless, emotionless, cold. How would she have felt to see me living like this….
It would **** her, the thought lingered like a poisonous kiss.
I had to live again. I have to live for the both of us now, the way it had never been.

Ive watched you weap
Bemoan in subtlety, without reason
Attempt to give light on an obsidian subject

Ive seen you bicker and cross swords
A struggle felt for miles
Have our confrontations meant nothing to you
Does venom foreshadow death

Ive seen you pass away
Day by day, its all the same

But am I the mad one?
Questioned by clans
When all I see is taunt discourse as if we're docking on long suppressed dreams

If it had been somewhere else, we'd hide a fixed eye to the occasion

Load the cartridge
Pull the trigger
Ignite cannons
**** the innocence
Have we lost our minds

As He And I take a dip into each others solar eclipse  
He sips from my faucet that drips
and not the one located between my thick thighs and hips
but from the truth that flows from the softness of my lips.
In that moment he Indulged in Truth's kiss.
As he was overcamed by a state of bliss.
Thats when He knew That God must Exist.
Now to him I say this.......
"Lets Go beyond Us
As I allow you Undress my Conscious
Make love to my thoughts
As you diminish my distraughts
Lick my intelligence to taste the saccharine nectar of my Essence
As I give you this mental *******
You will be headed in the right direction
And there will be no need for a ****** for our protection
Just dive into my purely unadulterated love and affection
Make your understanding stand at attention
Stick your knowledge in my head's dimension.
Giving me all its been missing
as I not only hear but Inventively listen.
Love me good and so deep
That upon me your heart begins to seap
And My my eyes begin to weap
Make my cerebellum ****** until it reaches its peak.
Keep going deeper until you hear all the words I dont speak.
Have you found the Subtance in which you seek?

See into the depths of my soul until you see A light of shimmering glittering Gold.
Touch my psyche with a gentle caress.
Until you uncover the glory of my nakedness.

now its spiritual fire burning with Red hot flames from within inscreasing my soul's desire.

I let him see the quintessential part of me that in just a short time I had courageously bared.
And He allowed me to breathe in the fresh air from his atmosphere
As I tasted his words like freshly cut herbs
And He explored all my bountiful roads to learn all my turns and curves
As he Disect my unwritten literature to understand my creative verbs.
We fly beyond the clouds like 2 lovebirds.
I have become the many pages of his diary
As he shares his most private moments between him and me so secretly.
I feel like my my world is being pulled into his force of gravity.

And yet the question I ask is,"Is he into me?"
But I can already answer that by his his energy.
While he's staring into my eyes endlessly.
My universe has been shaken by the waves of his charismatic frequency.
As we are luxuriating in our Unfiltered Raw level of Intimacy.

I walk the street, and all I do is weap.
For all I see is anger, and haetred.
People stuck sleeping and eating on the street.
I see them begging for money on the corner.
Just to get one meal for the day.
I don't like watching good honest people.
Down on there luck asking, but no one helps.
It makes me mad , and all so sad.
All I can think of is.
What if this was me or my loved one.
Would any one help?
Will I have food today?
Why will no one give me a chance?
Is it because I am down in a hole?
I see this everyday, I try to help when I can.
But its not enough. Alli can think of is.
Why will no one help the ones in need.
Ya they might not have jobs but if I can help.
Wheather it be $1 or a place to stay.
I know how it is, I don't wish any that.
So if I help, that means more people can.
I barely make enough to hold myself afloat.
I see my heart sinking like a boat.
Every time I see amazing people.
Eating off the street, and sleeping under a bridge.
As I walk down the street all I do is weap.

Let me know how you feel about me
So i can know where we stand and

If so just know ill be down for you
Baby just give me the clues
So tell me if ya still care about me

Must we fight baby dont ya know
I wont always be right
And if you listen to my heartbeat
I hear your soul slowly weap speakin to me
So tell tell me if ya still care about me
So tell me baby do you really


Now that we got our wedding day
Already plot so if you just let me
Do what i have to do because i only see myself and future with you
Soo tellllll me if ya still care about me
So tell me if ya still care

Here I am home all alone empty .
With my emotions along drifting.

When I'm gone will yall sing happy songs
Or will you weap cause you'll miss me after all.

Will you wait to Im in the ground, to tell me how
much you love me. Would you want me when Im not
around to hug me.

When I'm gone aint no coming back, no worries, no
shame, no pain, no games. You'll never see me again.
Do not take me in vain I only live once show me love
while you can.

If not this thought will drift in my minds deep abyss.
Thinkin of how you'd feel if I was gone and will I be
missed.

I wave my wings
And weap my tears
I glide through the sorrow
And fill all the hollow

I'll carry you back
Back to where you started
Say farewell with a smile
Return to the world of hearted

Looking down once again
I see you, my friend
Lost again, hollow again
So I wave my wings
And weap my tears
But this time
You're not here

Owl's eyes see with prophecy
through the depths of
the forest trees' limbs
And those spirits...
Witnessing the past, present and future....
These eyes understand either
upside-down or backwards in
visions of blue
Like mirrors reflecting the sky,
owls eyes perceive the stratosphere
doorway in between light
and shadow-
Gifted as it is with a sprinkling of galaxies....
Owls eyes can see with magic-
Their pupils are portals to Shangri-La and Tartarus where ghouls  waver their direction endlessly in a lemniscate
Even in the most moon-less night
they conceive palpably those ghosts that weap as they wander.

With you I am bitter cold and bleak
Without you I am creative and mistiquely unique.
Without you my brain operates on a level of an Intellectual Geek.
But when you  are around Im feel like climbing a mountain thats too far way and too steep
That I give Up climbing because of the pain in My knees, my legs and my feet,
My soul cant breathe and heart and mind become feeble and weak.
Without you I am Strong enough to conquer any mountains peak.
But with you i feel Rather incomplete.
But without you im Woman of Proverbs, A portrait resembling one who is humble and meek.
But with you The cat has my tongue so I cant express What Im feeling through the words I speak
Is it my demise what you seek?
Without you I feel put together and kinda neat.
With you its hard too feed my spirit what it needs to eat.
But without you It like Just another sad love song on repeat.
With you I feel im at war and your personal gain is my defeat.
Without you its hard sometimes, kinda of bittersweet.
But with you all I feel alone and in behind my smile I weap.
Without you my transcendent self can't seem to find sleep.
I guess the capicity of my love maybe just a little to deep.
Maybe You should learn how to swim because you sow what you reap.

I use to be all about you.
Like everything I say and do needed your approval or had to have value.
Until the day I found out you didnt love me the same I once loved you.
Then my heart became like a freeze color of blue.
I felt like i would be lost without you, I cried Whats a girl to do?
I felt stuck like an animal trapped in the zoo.
Until I changed My perception and started seeing things in a new view.
I had to tell myself you know I matter, Im Important too.
That was just kinda a clue
That its time to move on boo boo!
Its hard to be with you but I think its better to be without you

her eyes are a catalyst for the weak
she smiles while they weap
only trials stretch her beak
as she comes full circle
showing you, she too
is incomplete.

my body is decaying like the leaves of november
you'll never know what its like to be
stuck out in the cold
with the smoke crawling down your throat
coughing out into the night
your echos carry
farther than you can see
they whisper inauable cries
as crisp as the winters night
everything so foreign to my aging skin
whats real on the outside
what is real within
can you call me out on my actions
or just bare to see me seep
seep into the ground
where you stand
my eyes witness you weap
is this misfortune
or an illness that has gone too deep
who is there to say we don't feel the same pain
we all stare at the same galaxies
even though blind to we
we all feed off the same soil
our hands etched so deep
we synthesize the same
born and die
breathe and sleep the same
some shorter than others
but were human
don't try to deny we are the same
beating hearts with a will to live
even when we abuse
we all yearn for the same
another tomorrow absent of pain

Id bring you a million roses
but they would weap at the fact
That they could never be
as beautiful as you

Oh, sweet Willow. Why do you weep?
You've no fear of being cut down
No fruit to reap.

You'll stand on the bank, by this old river bed
You'll weap in quiet sorrow
Until you are dead

Don't worry about heartache
Your friends are just trees
Pain they can take
They can't even feel breeze

If you had a voice, what would your words be?
Would it be "Hello, my friend." or "Please...**** me."

As I fade off to sleep

Emotions fill my mind

And now my dreams begin to creep


As I fade off to sleep

I get to escape, and feel blind

Instead of weap


I feel my body fall deep

To a place to ponder

But not to keep


Ideas come in a big heap

Some I may not remember

But some I may keep


As I fade off to sleep

Reality seems to blur

As I awake with a beep


As I fade off to sleep

I want to stay

But nothing is forever

So now I must wait for my dreams to creep

Of the greatest spinning,
at dawns formable bowtie hour
in materials soft and sour
comes the velocity of understanding
among vapor rebellions-
scrimmaging clouds, a solemn weap within, inside
wanting to hide from gravity stricken rain
take cover in the trees,
take cover in the leaves.
A roof over your water boarded head,
and witness all electric feelings vanish from
clay stricken pale skin.
the ones that offer no sense
and hence, the adventure
it is not the same.
as beams forged from mosquito
hammers and nails:
the construct, sweaty prison arisen
to catch the artful tears
of all the games above.

You've serenaded me into a comotose slumber.
I'm continuously sensing lullabies whilst paralyzed.
I'm too terrified to speak; too timid to even mumble.
Your intonation is so soothing; a banshee in disguise.

I'm stuck asleep in this in-pain asylum built of thorns.
Dreaming of the agenda I've never been capable of.
So turn the lights out in the tornado haven in my insane and in-pain brain,
and never admonish the fact that this pain is a continuous refrain.

The fires of my desires are cornered and defeated,
smouldering beneath the timber of my emotions.
I know you could never be lighter fluid for me,
but with our incandescent splendor blown out we can still go blindly through the motions.

My reveries never used to be this empty, and now they're becoming hollow with my conscience;
and these hollow empty chances are drying out as I continue to discouragingly pursue you.

You'll never envisage your face as I see it, and you'll never envisage why this bliss makes me weap.
I'll never have the most alluring face to you,
and my cold shoulder only monotonously lulls you peacefully to sleep.

And now it's to everyone's amusement that I can't manipulate my liquor anymore.
I'm so messy hahahahahahahaha.
So they prevail, standing as if they're boulders upon my shoulders,
compressing my heart deep into my intestines.

So now my love is growing slender
as yours becomes a pretender
and my whispy love surrenders as I surrender to this alcoholic ******.

The grains of my affinity rest in your palm and you spread your fingers and let them fall.
I could beseech you to clench your fist, but I won't.

I'm your lover you don't have to love
as my heart is left hanging above.
It's high and dry;
too weak and too shy.
So tie me to this clothes line
and hang me out to dry.

Rest easy my heart, it is not over and the new day has not yet dawned.
Think on what was achieved, rather than what has been lost.
Do not weap for what you are missing.
Think on what is to come, even if you have to wait an eternity.
You are allowed to mourn at your defeats.
But remember the speck of courage and strength that is left, it is your flint and tinder to light your flame once again.
So rest easy my heart.

Suicide... i wrote a poem no hate.

He got tired of trying and being so **** strong, Sick of the never ending hate, for doing nothing wrong. The names he got called scarred the innocent boy, The rumours that got started, managed to destroy. For him "this" lost all meanings and "this" it was "LOVE"... He started wishing to be up, up above... He got pushed around, all he got was hate. And to dig his own grave he couldn't wait... Kind uplifting comments is all he'd ever dish. So why for a boy so nice, death be his wish? "Hope" his very last spark you blew.. Until he gave in and believed it was true.. He took his life, but no-one thought he would... But that was him gone and gone for good... For now the bullies weap. Realising that hate cut so deep. SUICIDE of youth, getting harder to mend... And during this deafening silence, suicide became a trend.. Think before you speak! As this poem could be true... And next time this poem comes around, the victim could be YOU!

When good intentions and deeds are pulled like common weeds, the dismissed, like forgotten flowers past their day. Weap, because they were beautiful once and someone was happy to see them daily

I approach the the tile as I watch you die again. I reach out for your neck to undo the damage done. Thus, I cannot. As I peak, I stab and stab at the iron coffin. I can't help you anymore, nor could I ever. I push and pull like the tides unending dance but you won't awake. I scream and I see the stars blink as if my voice reached them. "Wake the **** up, you selfish *******." I dig my nails into my chest like the roofing of a home. But like it will one day, I collapse. I see blood, and death, and Christmas. What an unforgiving world in which I dwell. I grab a belt and think and this is what will allow me to hang between life and death. Then I exhale a breath. I'm too bashful to knock on the Messiahs door. So I wash his feet and cry, waiting for the day I face you again. As the physical plane holds my empty  corpse and the people weap as if I've ever even lived

I sit in this empty room.
My music, the only voice to be heard.
I hear the memories,
The moments.
As I drink it down,
The memories feel so near...
But they are gone forever.
The moments I remember,
Gone forever.

Time goes by, as I sit here.
Only to remember
Over and over again.
The smell is so sweet,
The dreams
I only weap.
Only remembering,
Forever gone.

The beauty,
I can still see.
Stuck,
Trapped in my mind.
Never to be spoken,
But only to be seen.
The angels they look.
They cry,
Seeing what could be.

I drink this drink,
Only to remember,
Only to feel again.
The purpose not to destroy,
But to live again.

I sit here,
In this dark lonely room.
Only to dream,
Never to live.
Only to feel,
The life of life,
What could have been.

Bright lights every nights
Shining over dead mentalities
Fatalities soon to be a reality
In another state of mind is my locality
Situtions looking hectic
Switching henchmen with the trigger selected
From semi to auto somebody's gotta go
Another one dead by the feds
It ain't about the bread its about what's being fed
Check the front of the head
Lines stories all In the same line
Wither be good or bad
They want you to follow tragedies fad
Got diseases forming out the air
No one cares we just stop and stare
I see a guns glare
Check my head and shoulders
Its still there
Maybe it's a nightmare
Naw it ain't but I can't
Shake these demons leaning on me
Everywhere
Things ain't what it seem no more
The way to only make peace is war
Bunch gore from the distance
Sick of the nonsense
My hearts growing intense
See the inmates punching the fence
Tryna gotta grip on liberty but liberty
Ain't never did **** for me
Cuz to many people s l double e p
Desert storms with no warning
So folks prepare for scorning
Early morning
Got officers at every corner of ya house looking to douse
Ya with a barrage of bullets
They say it ain't the color of skin
Well? Why I always see my color tucked in
A casket break chains of the plantation no more hesitation
I'm creating .a force so beautiful
Attract intellects like money
Attracts to evil stunts like knivel
Am I reaching ya brain yet
I'm a mental terrorist
Considered the greatest poet
To ever exist
Cuz I don't take no mess
Like papa who's gone stop tha
Train once yosef brings the pain
Insane
Off the top of the dome
Can't go to sleep now
Til I touch a funeral home
I refuse to die
I'm on a mission sent from one of my visions
I see elite souls get a lynching
Got my weight no benching
Politics head itching
Cuz I'm thinking of a plan
To demolish the whole world
No diamonds no pearls
Making kings and queens
Out of boys and girls
Take back what's our ghetto star
Cuz all eyes are
On the magnificent yosef
Open ya up like an explosive
But most rather be dead
Than alive mentally but spiritually I'm awoken G follow me
So we can conquer fears destiny
Stay awake for ya soul might weap
if ya go to sleep sleep sleep sleep

Come to me when you weap and I will dry your tears.  
Come to me in desperate despairand I will fill your empty needs.
Come to me in your darkest times and I promise to fill you with sunshine.  
Come to me when you need to feel love and I will give you my all.
Come to me when you need guidance and I will make sure you never fall.
Come to me and I promise to be your everything and anything after all.

Take me home,
Take me to the place I belong.
Until when am I going to be alone
And think of you all night long?

See me weap,
This lonesome heart that hardly breathe.
Loneliness isn't a thing to keep
But for you I'm willing to wait.

Take me home,
Take me to the place where I won't ask for more.
Until when am I going to wander
For someone who can make my heart go fonder?

Feel my lips,
They'll let you taste things only them can give.
Going insane isn't my thing
But with you I'm willing to lose my brain.

Baby, just take me home,
Take with you everything I own.
Until when I keep on asking myself
For the things only a fool can think?

Look at my eyes,
Stare at them and don't be blind.
Dreaming is my favorite thing
And it is always us I imagine.

So please, just grab my hands and take me home...
I will hold them tight and go with you to the place we belong.
I'll stop asking questions and just be sure
Because I know your heart will always be my home.

Before
break up
She told me
I will make you
weap
Even from my grave..

Amen
Fib said but Young let tomorrow be thy day the sheep I'll keep my promise to feed em just like father said today is your day we will weap together the beastest blood was still drying Young knew that Fib would not be able to feed the shee the next day they weapt into the night Young heard a sound he remembered that but from no other one place his dreams it was the sound of fire he was dreaming

Young & Fib

Do you ever watch the clouds go by?
When your tired eyes reach for the sky?
An artist paints the changing theme
blue and bright
or charcoal grey colour scheme.
How will you interpret the view?
Are you moving yourself?
Or is it moving you?
Are you sitting still or spinning fast?
I’m sure you can retrieve this memory from your past

If only you knew how free I was then
The only fears had were make pretend
Grass stained jeans and tangled hair
Living life without a care

Now I stare at the moon
and pray to God I’ll see you soon
For when alone, head on pillow
I find I start to
weap and willow just like the tree.
I am kind.
Why can’t I see potential in my mind

But some days when i’m alone in bed
dreams of a future spin in my head
i see it bright, just like the sun
successful days, many dreams to come