Who would have thought of a magical toy bus? Some would say that would be a plus Others might say it is not a must It wasn’t a Greyhound nor Trailways bus It was a plan ordinary highway bus with no name So little Thomas would often dream that he saw a magical toy bus in the stars Well the distance sounds very far Little Thomas would always run and tell his parents But there seemed to be no interest and certainly no love So the magical toy bus came up with his own campaign called “The Love Bus on the Run” That is a chore, but might be fun The magical toy bus was determined to bring a family together combined with love So the magical toy bus maneuvered all around the house with cards having love sayings such as “Together being forever” and “Love needing an extending chance” It was those very words the magical toy bus wanted to express in getting through to Little Thomas family The magical toy bus wasn’t built to just sit back, but get involved You could the creation to resolve Somehow Little Thomas family found love again and it was all because of a magical toy bus However, sometime mythical happened, the plain magical toy bus now had a model name being the “Renaissance” followed by a company called “Motivated Love Bus Company” This was a gift from the Heavenly stars themselves The magical toy bus became love to Little Thomas’s heart But he knew that from the very start This had to be shown his parents making a mark In fact, Little Thomas held it ever so close to his heart, and slept with the toy bus every night So the moral to the story is according to the magical toy bus is more than something to play with having wheels Yet love being a life time The magical toy bus brought love to share and closeness to one’s heart.
I feel like a child's favorite toy. The one thrown against a wall pretending it can fly. The one whose button is pushed over and over to hear it's sound, Until it can't talk anymore, hardly able to make a sound. The toy cuddled and smashed under their small body every night. "Protecting" them from the monsters under the bed. The favorite toy they hold by the arm, They drag it behind them wearing it out until the arm may fall off. The one that is *****, but you can tell it was loved. The toy that sits alone on a shelf for years on end. Who collects dust untouched because the child has grown. The one who has no purpose but to make people smile. The toy that is so used and abused they say it has "character". The toy no new child wants because it to worn. They don't want it for it can't last much longer. It needs new batteries, and a trip through the wash. It needs to be stitched up in more places than one. The toy that no longer has a purpose, But that only makes it need more love. Someone to love itself. But who could love something so worn and mangled. So it sits alone on that shelf. Collecting dust, unseen, unrecognized. I am that toy. The one with no purpose. The one on the shelf. Unseen, unrecognized, unloved.
Yes you heard me I hated this toy I hated it with a passion That was fastened To my chest with seat belts And burned onto my heart With a hot branding iron
This toy was a teddy bear One of teddy roosevelt's passions With a patent owned by a name I'll never know Given to kids who are just beginning to grow So that they have something to talk to To let everything flow
My brother named him sgt.grizzly And he was always busy Telling this little teddy The secrets of his life
I kid you not He told this bear his world He entrusted and unfurled Everything to this inanimate Object that couldn't even answer back
By now you're trying to figure out Exactly why I hate a thing That I don't even own Well when that thing sits on the throne Of a brother you wish you'd known you'll Understand
Because everytime my brother and I fought He brought up this stupid teddy bear And how it did things I did not How it listened to him And didn't try to advise him and it sickened me
What disgusted me more than this Was the fact that he told a toy More about himself Than I will ever know in a lifetime He told it secrets I've been trying to learn Since the beginning of his time He gave that toy more of his heart Than I have ever seen in him within the 13 yrs I've spent with him
And while he threw at me nothing but ****** and pins He gave this toy an inside look on his many opinions And while he tested me constantly He gave his stupid teddy A degree in justinology The study of my brother a study in which I wish I wasn't struggling
While my brother threw me worksheets Sgt grizzly got a free pass Even though he did nothing in class Justin let him pass With an A While I struggled to hold a D While i fought hard He handed grizzly a security card And as far as I was concerned All he ever did was put me on blast
I'll admit it I was actually a little jealous I still am at times That a stupid toy Managed to know more about a boy Who I spent majority of my life living with than me And honestly it was insulting
Everytime grizzly got lost I was the first to blame Just because I was cursing and speaking negatively whenever I spoke that dreaded name
Honestly I have never before admitted This to anyone After all being mad at a toy Isn't the best way for a teenage boy To be seen but oh boy I’ve lost the will to keep this in So I'm simply going to sit down And write about the hate I have For this little stupid toy
I don’t need reality because i can hold eternity in my TOY CAR Forever….i don’t listen to wrinkles and aged bones… why should i? i drive from death in my toy car forever…..every day I make it look better…better….and better…….my toy car forever…..i could save the world!…with my toy car forever...it needs my time and im almost there….if I just keep working..working..working…it will be ready….i’ll give it all my life in exchange for the fountain of youth….a delusion echoed from a little boy in a picture frame…. ….a frame resting in a casket……..he was old and dead….buried in the rusting fender of his toy car forever…………..toy car forever… toy car forever………………………..
Elyk was make believe. A cheat from the start. He was a tool used to cheat at games. A little girl gave Elyk a face. Many faces. He was a multi-headed man. One day, a friend peaked interest into the girl's toy. And the girl wanted her friend to like her, for them to be best friends eternally, to never be alone, and let the girl play with her toy. Intrigued by its appearance, the friend set out to love the toy. And she did, the little girl animated the toy, made it out to what her friend wanted it to be. It was the perfect toy, for any child. Things got fishy though. No toy should have multiple heads. The girl figured that out, and fixed it. Elyk now had one head. A more carefully chosen head. The ideal toy, the little girl made the toy give the friend love letters, poems, songs, claimed everything to be his own finding, and later found out that his head could not be famous his poems could not be someone else's his essence could not be as fake as it was but she only learned it after everything collapsed on her her friend realized that elyks head was not real so gorgeous, but not one of a kind his poetry, songs and love letters somehow perfectly matched ones on other poets and artist's sites their relationship shared one thing in common, the little girl, who was now delusional for trying to use elyk to make her best friend like her more and the two girls could no longer be friends the little girl was now picked on by what used to be her inner circle stabbed in the back and forced to move on to another group of friends but she had this new-found feeling of attention something her world lacked for so long and she made another toy another voodoo doll so to speak for different friends this time named ekard.
Daddy brought a toy car, toy car , toy car, Red and blue, red and blue, red and blue, It has four wheels, four wheels, four wheels, Which go round and round round and round,round and round, You wound it with a key and it goes vroom, vroom, vroom, Up and down, up and down, up and down Right and left, right and left, right and left, Daddy brought a toy car, a toy car, a toy car, I love him a million times,a million times,a million times. 20/3/2019.
The heartfelt joy of a poor boy who lives in a slum and barely has a proper meal.Sing with him and see how happy you feel.
Fair Warning this does contain explicit language and ****** content if you are under the age of 18 please click exit, If you are offended by ****** prose please don't read this one either......LOL
Meet Me at the Holiday Inn He said
she of course said yes without hesitation
Make sure to check in a room in the back He said
He did not want anyone disturbing their time Nor for anyone to hear the noises that might sound disturbing to some
her body quivered as He explained why a room in the back
she would never defy Him, it was not in her nature to do so
every part of her just ached to please Him to make Him happy
When you get in the room leave it unlocked and undress I want you ready for me as soon as I arrive
her heart hammered hard, pale flesh went crimson, nerves were causing her to fidget and He hated fidgeting
I can't wait to see you naked waiting for me
Your pale bountiful flesh bare of clothing waiting for my eyes to roam from top to bottom and back up again
How does that make you feel girl? He asked
Very uneasy but excited to, afraid, desired, wanting she said
His laughter was unmistakable He knew the effect He had on her and He reveled in it, He got tremendously hard just thinking about the power He exhorted over her
Oh god, how am I to undress and wait for Him to enter the room, what if He waits an hour before coming in, I will die from embarassment and desire all mixed together
You are my good girl aren't You ****? He asked quietly
Yes I am she responded
The conversation ended and she began to dress with care unsure why as she was just going to remove it anyway
Having showered, pulling the razor blade over the flesh between silky thighs, making sure no hair or stubble was present
See she knew He just might have a piece of duct tape that He would place between the cheeks of her *** and pull just to see if she shaved everywhere He desired
Her hands moved steadily along the crack, her juices were already flowing from the heat of the shower, thoughts of Him at the hotel, His voice a few moments ago
The pleasure nub at the Y section of her petals was throbbing dying to be touched, yet she knew better, to touch without His permission could land her in big trouble, shuddering at the thought
Fingers slid between the succulent petals making sure they were smooth, washing with the sweet aromatic soap moving up her body over the large globes of ivory with the pale areolas, ******* hard already
She was going to lose it before ever getting to her destination
The phone rang and she nearly jumped out of her skin
You finish Your shower girl?
Yes I did
Did you get excited and remember I always know when you lie?
Yes I got excited but I stopped myself from relieving the ache
Very good girl, You have come a long way I am very pleased
Are you still naked from the shower?
Yes just drying off
Get the 8 inch toy I bought you and lay on the bed
Her heart beat so hard she thought it would burst from her chest Doing as ordered, grabbing the 8 inch vibrating ***** that filled her so tightly that it almost hurt
Lay down on the bed my girl
Securing the door, svelte flesh lay upon the soft bedding, hard tipped globes ached, as well as the nub between the shaved rose petals, even her *** throbbed
Where should we play today my little *****?
Anywhere, it matters not, just pleasee take this ache away
He chuckled knowing she was dripping wet by now, she was His little waterfall, always wet just at the thought of Him or the sound
Pinch your ****** hard and make sure I hear you
He began to give her quick instructions moving things rather quicker than usual
Harder girl, slide your other hand around that hard ****, begin rubbing it fast
Moaning loudly as her fingers fluttered over the pleasure nub like a butterfly kissing a flower, other fingers pinching and pulling upon the hard ******
Hurry girl I thought you said you were dying of need
Ohhhhh I am I am pleaseeee don't stop
He chuckled at that she was going to be a delight this night, He just might not let her get dressed for a few days and let her sleep with Him buried deep inside her
Release the ****** and get the toy, spread those thighs wider, I want you to take the toy deep inside your tight wet tunnel all at once and all the way
His **** was hard and He began to stroke it in earnest as her sounds were maddening to Him, man her voice was like a **** siren, He already had the first drop of moisture revealing itself from the tip
You know what to do **** yourself hard without mercy but don't your release unless I say so
She was already close before He said to use the toy harder and faster, biting her lower lip hard to keep herself from exploding, ramming the silicone **** deep into her silky wet folds, she could feel the dripping honey between her *** cheeks knowing that area would no longer be virginal after tonight, shivering as the pressure began to build
He continued to move His large hand up and down, hell yes this **** drove Him wild how He got so lucky to find her He had no idea but she was His and He intended to make sure she knew it in every way tonight
Her well was so tight around the toy, but it slid in deep an easy due to her soaking wet desire
Moaning louder, she began to beg, and plead, oh pleasee let me release, I can't hold it much longer, pleaseeee I am begging you
Nope not yet He chuckled
Ohhhhhhhhh nooooo pleaseee, whimpering and whining as the pressure increased driving her mad with desire
His hand moved up and down as images of her tight *** wrapped around His thick length filled his brain, ahh oh yeah mmmm He could hear the ***** going in and out from the wetness surrounding it which further incited His imagination. Mmmmm yes that tight ***** and then He was claiming that cherry ***
she was sweating holding back, oh pleassse she thought as her mouth let screams of pleasure, whining, and whimpers escape, hips lifting off the bed meeting the toy ****** after ******
He felt his **** hardening to where He could have hammered a nail into a board, and suddenly He could feel it ready to explode
Now ****!!! and don't you hold back on me
Her body bucked and muscles clamped down as fluids exploded forth from her well soaking the bed, her thighs, and draining down the crack of her ***, her screams nearly deafened Him but He did not care
Ahhh yes baby here it **** just for you oh **** oh **** **** girl
His hand tightened around His shaft a little harder as suddenly the stream of thick white cream spewed across the table where He was sitting, shooting thick goo over and over as He let loose. Oh He so could not wait to get a hold of her
Very good girl now clean up and get your *** to the hotel and don't forget the paddle as you have a punishment yet before any enjoyment
Oh, she had hoped You forgot all about that
Oh no I remember and unless you want more added I suggest you not forget anything I have instructed of you
Unbeknownst to her after He hung up His girlfriend walked in having seen His performance and the evidence marking the kitchen table as His shaft was still hanging out of His jeans
I am going out for the weekend be back on Monday
His girlfriend nodded her head and didn't dare say a word even when He said Oh and clean up that table no hands, rags, just your mouth*
He chuckled as He heard the sharp intake of breath, oh how He loved His women, so compliant, obedient and they never questioned His demands. He headed out the door with His duffle bag full of things to titillate the brain and body
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At first you are ecstatic Look what you found in the attic A toy! & you are just a boy. So you play, With me all day, A month & a year goes by. But I'm out of your mind's eye, Collecting dust on the shelf See he got a new toy for himself. All shiny & red I knew I would dread The day he didn't want me It hurt but it had to be. He threw me on the curb Not to be disturbed Until one day Another boy will go out of his way To play... Because I am just a toy.
The light toy-railway is traveling, with the kids who aren’t anymore. To Paris, to Brussels is traveling, to the Black Africa too. The light toy-railway is grieving, for the fawn’s steps under Christmas tree, for the luster in the eyes and ah, for the toys. For the Blue Bird, for the white photos, for the hand that is putting the little star. For the dream that’s coming true.
The light toy-railway is traveling. Traveling.
Светлото влакче пътува, с децата, които вече не са. За Париж, Брюксел пътува, за черната Африка. Светлото влакче тъгува, за стъпките на еленчето под елхата, за блясъка във очите и ах, за играчките. За Синята птица, за белите снимки, за ръката, която поставя звездичка. За съня, който се сбъдва.
My dungeon, my toys, my way. She walks in the room, in heals , tied at the wrists, blindfolded. She walks in nervous, but ready. She's here to learn how I'll take care of her. She's here to experience my ways. "Im excited for you my good girl", I tell her her first stance, " inspection" using my crop whip, whipping each body part until she's in her proper position. Legs spread shoulders width apart, fingers locked behind your head, eyes straight, chin up. Examining her body, making sure she's fine, no bruises, cuts , or scratches, she's perfect her body is something to cherish. Making sure she loves every moment, every touch. I take my step back, watching her as she waits nervously for my next decision, her body twitching with anticipation. I lean forward into her ear, a whisper," wall stance", she gives me her hands as I guide her to the wall," hands over one another in an x, legs spread shoulder width apart , *** up." , She follows her command, to the letter. My hands pull her hair back as I lean forward to taste her neck. She let's out a whimper, "are you excited?" She groans with a smile ,"yes, very much so Sir". So I continue. I run my fingers down her back, before the flogger , I let it drag down her skin gently for her to feel the cold leather, after that, the sting of the flogger. She let's out a moan after moan again and again as it strikes her," It's time to slow down".
I get my crop ready for her beautiful ****. I run my hands over it, spreading her, as I examine where to strike my crop first. I pull my hand away an strike, She loves it. She let's out a moan with each sting . I can see her now, so wet her thighs are dripping, it's time to start.
Again I take my step back from her, I take a moment to see her beautiful body. Back stripped with swollen streaks of skin, from the toys she chose, so sensitive a breath alone warrants a moan. Her *** paddled red and ready sensitive to the touch, just a graze of the skin and she lifts for me, Asif ready for more, ready for all I can do. I step away rummaging through a box in the corner ,she stands resolute beautiful wet sensitive and ready, waiting. I come back with a few objects. I place a toy on the floor and look at her, " next position ,table". I bring her to her knees, hands on the floor extended past your head legs spread , back straight.
I adjusted the toy into position, my hands on her hips I guided her down and onto the toy. I helped her, thrusting her hips up n down on it until she kept going on her own. I looked down at her with a smile," good girl you *** for me now", as he began to ****** her knees went weak ant the toy pops out. " Not yet" your not done yet" I push her head down, " cross your arms", "lift your ***" grabbing a different toy I slide it into her, one hand gripping her *** as my thumb rubs her *******. "More?" I ask as I go slow with the toy to start, teasing her to speak up, "I'll give you what you want, if your a good girl and tell me", pushing the toy deeper she almost came again from excitement, I pulled it out and waited,,"yes,Sir", " yes , what, baby",I waited, " I want to *** for you, sir", I continue using the toy until she's shaking for me her *** running down to the floor puddling around her knees. Exactly what she asked for.
Toy: a thing or matter of no value or importance Doll, plaything, trinket Handled, moved, manipulated; Exploited, fondled, groped
These words should send a chill down every girl's spine They should raise the hair on their arms, Make them look over their shoulder one extra time when they go outside Replace a few hours of sleep with nightmares of terror.
Because here, you are nothing more than a toy. You are not human with hope, dreams, and aspirations. You cannot conduct yourself with dignity, maturity, and respect. You are nothing but a body, here to be a toy.
Remember that, as a woman, your safety is worth nothing. Remember that a ******'s fear for his safety is more concerning that a 15 year old girl's. Remember that your dignity, your self worth, your self respect, your entire identity Isn't worth more than a couple months in county jail to a man.
A woman’s ability to create life is not even her own. It is something that is debated between men a thousand miles away. It is something that is controlled by the hand of a man. The most basic right and role of a woman is stripped from them.
To a man you an object. There is no difference between you and the doormat into a man's house. You are thrown on the ground, covered in pine needles, and walked all over. No difference.
A woman’s concerns can be dismissed because this is just “locker room banter” You are used as a ploy to further a man’s political presence. This is a part of our daily lives now. Get used to it.
We will no longer teach our children to stay away from drugs and be safe around wild animals We will teach our daughters to fear a beard instead of the click of a gun. We will teach them to be afraid of their fathers and their brothers, simply for their own safety.
They will be forced to cover themselves. Hide their joyful smiles. Cover graceful legs. Mask skillful hands. Because otherwise, they will be blamed for their maltreatment, told that they asked for it. They still might be, because, remember, a woman’s word means nothing.
Toy: a thing or matter of no value or importance. Doll, plaything, trinket. Handled, moved, manipulated. Exploited, fondled, groped.
I am a woman. I am no more than a toy.
A spoken word poem I had to write for a class. I decided to share.
In the Fall, when the temperature of the Bay would drop and the wind blew ice, frost would gather on the lawn near Henry Oldez's room. It was not a heavy frost that spread across the paralyzed lawn, but one that just covered each blade of grass with a fine, white, almost dusty coat. Most mornings, he would stumble out of the garage where he slept and tip toe past the ice speckled patch of brown and green spotted grass, so to make his way inside to relieve himself. If he was in no hurry, he would stand on the four stepped stoop and look back at the dried, dead leaves hanging from the wiry branches of three trees lined up against the neighbors fence. The picture reminded him of what the old gallows must have looked like. Henry Oldez had been living in this routine for twenty some years.
He had moved to California with his mother, father, and three brothers 35 years ago. Henry's father, born and raised in Tijuana, Mexico, had traveled across the Meixcan border on a bent, full jalopy with his wife, Betria Gonzalez and their three kids. They were all mostly babies then and none of the brothers claimed to remember anything of the ride, except one, Leo, recalled there was "A lotta dust in the car." Santiago Oldez, San for short, had fought in World War II and died of cancer ten years later. San drank most nights and smoked two packs of Marlboro Reds a day. Henry had never heard his father talk about the fighting or the war. If he was lucky to hear anything, it would have been when San was dead drunk, talking to himself mostly, not paying very much attention to anyone except his memories and his music.
"San loved two things in this world," Henry would say, "*****, Betria, and Johnny Cash."
Betria Gonzalez grew up in Tijuana, Mexico as well. She was a stout, short woman, wide but with pretty eyes and a mess of orange golden hair. Betria could talk to anyone about anything. Her nick names were the conversationalist or the old crow because she never found a reason to stop talking. Santiago had met her through a friend of a friend. After a couple of dates, they were married. There is some talk of a dispute among the two families, that they didn't agree to the marriage and that they were too young, which they probably were. Santiago being Santiago, didn't listen to anybody, only to his heart. They were married in a small church outside of town overlooking the Pacific. Betria told the kids that the waves thundered and crashed against the rocks that day and the sea looked endless. There were no pictures taken and only three people were at the ceremony: Betria, San, and the priest.
Of course, the four boys went to elementary and high school, and, of course, none of them went to college. One brother moved down to LA and eventually started working for a law firm doing their books. Another got married at 18 years old and was in and out of the house until getting under the wing of the union, doing construction and electrical work for the city. The third brother followed suit. Henry Oldez, after high school, stayed put. Nothing in school interested him. Henry only liked what he could get into after school. The people of the streets were his muse, leaving him with the tramps, the dealers, the struggling restaurateurs, the laundry mat hookers, the crooked cops and the addicts, the gang bangers, the bible humpers, the window washers, the jesus freaks, the EMT's, the old ladies pushing salvation by every bus stop, the guy on the corner and the guy in the alley, and the DOA's. Henry didn't have much time for anyone else after all of them.
Henry looked at himself in the mirror. The light was off and the room was dim. Sunlight streaked in through the dusty blinds from outside, reflecting into the mirror and onto Henry's face. He was short, 5' 2'' or 5' 3'' at most with stubby, skinny legs, and a wide, barrel shaped chest. He examined his face, which was a ravine of wrinkles and deep crows feet. His eyes were sunken and small in his head. Somehow, his pants were always one or two inches below his waistline, so the crack of his *** would constantly be peeking out. Henry's deep, chocolate colored hair was that of an ancient Native American, long and nearly touched the tip of his belt if he stood up straight. No one knew how long he had been growing it out for. No one knew him any other way. He would comb his hair incessantly: before and after a shower, walking around the house, watching television with Betria on the couch, talking to friends when they came by, and when he drove to work, when he had it.
Normal work, nine to five work, did not work for Henry. "I need to be my own boss," he'd say. With that fact stubbornly put in place, Henry turned to being a handy man, a roofer, and a pioneer of construction. No one knew where he would get the jobs that he would get, he would just have them one day. And whenever he 'd finish a job, he'd complain about how much they'd shorted him, soon to move on to the next one. Henry never had to listen to anyone and, most of the time, he got free lunches out of it. It was a very strange routine, but it worked for him and Betria had no complaints as long as he was bringing some money in and keeping busy. After Santiago died, she became the head of the house, but really let her boys do whatever they wanted.
Henry took a quick shower and blow dried his hair, something he never did unless he was in a hurry. He had a job in the east bay at a sorority house near the Berkley campus. At the table, still in his pajamas, he ate three leftover chicken thighs, toast, and two over easy eggs. Betria was still in bed, awake and reading. Henry heard her two dogs barking and scratching on her bedroom door. He got up as he combed his damp hair, tugging and straining to get each individual knot out. When he opened the door, the smaller, thinner dog, Boy Boy, shot under his legs and to the front door where his toy was. The fat, beige, pig-like one waddled out beside Henry and went straight for its food bowl.
"Good morning," said Henry to Betria.
Betria looked at Henry over her glasses, "You eat already?"
"Yep," he announced, "Got to go to work." He tugged on a knot.
"That's good. Dondé?" Betria looked back down at her spanish TV guide booklet.
"Berkley somewhere," Henry said, bringing the comb smoothly down through his hair.
"That's good, that's good."
"OK!" Henry sighed loudly, shutting the door behind him. He walked back to the dinner table and finished his meal. Then, Betria shouted something from her room that Henry couldn't hear.
"What?" yelled Henry, so she could hear him over the television. She shouted again, but Henry still couldn't hear her. Henry got up and went back to her room, ***** dish in hand. He opened her door and looked at her without saying anything.
"Take the dogs out to ***," Betria told him, "Out the back, not the front."
"Yeah," Henry said and shut the door.
"Come on you dogs," Henry mumbled, dropping his dish in the sink. Betria always did everyones dishes. She called it "her exercise."
Henry let the two dogs out on the lawn. The sun was curling up into the sky and its heat had melted all of the frost on the lawn. Now, the grass was bright green and Henry barely noticed the dark brown dead spots. He watched as the fat beige one squatted to ***. It was too fat to lifts its own leg up. The thing was built like a tank or a sea turtle. Henry laughed to himself as it looked up at him, both of its eyes going in opposite directions, its tongue jutted out one corner of his mouth. Boy boy was on the far end of the lawn, searching for something in the bushes. After a minute, he pulled out another one of his toys and brought it to Henry. Henry picked up the neon green chew toy shaped like a bone and threw it back to where Boy boy had dug it out from. Boy boy shot after it and the fat one just watched, waddling a few feet away from it had peed and laid down. Henry threw the toy a couple more times for Boy boy, but soon he realized it was time to go.
"Alright!" said Henry, "Get inside. Gotta' go to work." He picked up the fat one and threw it inside the laundry room hallway that led to the kitchen and the rest of the house. Boy boy bounded up the stairs into the kitchen. He didn't need anyone lifting him up anywhere. Henry shut the door behind them and went to back to his room to get into his work clothes.
Henry's girlfriend was still asleep and he made sure to be quiet while he got dressed. Tia, Henry's girlfriend, didn't work, but occasionally would put up garage sales of various junk she found around town. She was strangely obsessed with beanie babies, those tiny plush toys usually made up in different costumes. Henry's favorite was the hunter. It was dressed up in camouflage and wore an eye patch. You could take off its brown, polyester hat too, if you wanted. Henry made no complaint about Tia not having a job because she usually brought some money home somehow, along with groceries and cleaning the house and their room. Betria, again, made no complain and only wanted to know if she was going to eat there or not for the day.
A boat sized bright blue GMC sat in the street. This was Henry's car. The stick shift was so mangled and bent that only Henry and his older brother could drive it. He had traded a new car stereo for it, or something like that. He believed it got ten miles to the gallon, but it really only got six or seven. The stereo was the cleanest piece of equipment inside the thing. It played CD's, had a shoddy cassette player, and a decent radio that picked up all the local stations. Henry reached under the seat and attached the radio to the front panel. He never left the radio just sitting there in plain sight. Someone walking by could just as soon as put their elbow into the window, pluck the thing out, and make a clean 200 bucks or so. Henry wasn't that stupid. He'd been living there his whole life and sure enough, done the same thing to other cars when he was low on money. He knew the tricks of every trade when it came to how to make money on the street.
On the road, Henry passed La Rosa, the Mexican food mart around the corner from the house. Two short, tanned men stood in front of a stand of CD's, talking. He usually bought pirated music or movies there. One of the guys names was Bertie, but he didn't know the other guy. He figured either a customer or a friend. There were a lot of friends in this neighborhood. Everyone knew each other somehow. From the bars, from the grocery, from the laundromat, from the taco stands or from just walking around the streets at night when you were too bored to stay inside and watch TV. It wasn't usually safe for non-locals to walk the streets at night, but if you were from around there and could prove it to someone that was going to jump you, one could usually get away from losing a wallet or an eyeball if you had the proof. Henry, to people on the street, also went as Monk. Whenever he would drive through the neighborhood, the window open with his arm hanging out the side, he would usually hear a distant yell of "Hey Monk!" or "What's up Monk!". Henry would always wave back, unsure who's voice it was or in what direction to wave, but knowing it was a friend from somewhere.
There was heavy traffic on the way to Berkley and as he waited in line, cursing his luck, he looked over at the wet swamp, sitting there beside highway like a dead frog. A few scattered egrets waded through the brown water, their long legs keeping their clean white bodies safe from the muddy water. Beyond the swamp laid the pacific and the Golden Gate bridge. San Francisco sat there too: still, majestic, and silver. Next to the city, was the Bay Bridge stretched out over the water like long gray yard stick. Henry compared the Golden Gate's beauty with the Bay Bridge. Both were beautiful in there own way, but the Bay Bridge's color was that of a gravestone, while the Golden Gate's color was a heavy red, that made it seem alive. Why they had never decided to pain the Bay Bridge, Henry had no idea. He thought it would look very nice with a nice coat of burgundy to match the Golden gate, but knew they would never spend the money. They never do.
After reeling through the downtown streets of Berkley, dodging college kids crossing the street on their cell phones and bicyclists, he finally reached the large, A-frame house. The house was lifted, four or five feet off the ground and you had to walk up five or seven stairs to get to the front door. Surrounded by tall, dark green bushes, Henry knew these kids had money coming from somewhere. In the windows hung spinning colored glass and in front of the house was an old-timey dinner bell in the shape of triangle. Potted plants lined the red brick walkway that led to the stairs. Young tomatoes and small peas hung from the tender arms of the stems leaf stalks. The lawn was manicured and clean. "Must be studying agriculture or something," Henry thought, "Or they got a really good gardener."
He parked right in front of the house and looked the building up and down, estimating how long it would take to get the old shingles off and the new one's on. Someone was up on the deck of the house, rocking back and forth in an old wooden chair. He listened to the creaking wood of the chair and the deck, judging it would take him two days for the job. Henry knew there was no scheduled rain, but with the Bay weather, one could never be sure. He had worked in rain before - even hail - and it never really bothered him. The thing was, he never strapped himself in and when it would rain and he was working roofs, he was afraid to slip and fall. He turned his truck off, got out, and locked both of the doors. He stepped heavily up the walkway and up the stairs. The someone who was rocking back and forth was a skinny beauty with loose jean shorts on and a thick looking, black and red plaid shirt. She had long, chunky dread locks and was smoking a joint, blowing the smoke out over the tips of the bushes and onto the street. Henry was no stranger to the smell. He smoked himself. This was California.
"Who're you?" the dreaded girl asked.
"I'm the roofer," Henry told her.
The girl looked puzzled and disinterested. Henry leaned back on his heels and wondered if the whole thing was lemon. She looked beyond him, down on the street, awkwardly annoying Henry's gaze. The tools in Henry's hands began to grow heavy, so he put them down on the deck with a thud. The noise seemed to startle the girl out of whatever haze her brain was in and she looked back at Henry. Her eyes were dark brown and her skin was smooth and clear like lake water. She couldn't have been more then 20 or 21 years old. Henry realized that he was staring and looked away at the various potted plants near the rocking chair. He liked them all.
"Do you know who called you?" She took a drag from her joint.
"Brett, " Henry told her, "But they didn't leave a last name."
For a moment, the girl looked like she had been struck across the chin with a brick, but then her face relaxed and she smiled.
"Oh ****," she laughed, "That's me. I called you. I'm Brett."
Henry smiled uneasily and picked up his tools, "Ok."
"Nice to meet you," she said, putting out her hand.
Henry awkwardly put out his left hand, "Nice to meet you too."
She took another drag and exhaled, the smoke rolling over her lips, "Want to see the roof?"
The two of them stood underneath a five foot by five foot hole. Henry was a little uneasy by the fact they had cleaned up none of the shattered wood and the birds pecking at the bird seed sitting in a bowl on the coffee table facing the TV. The arms of the couch were covered in bird **** and someone had draped a large, zebra printed blanket across the middle of it. Henry figured the blanket wasn't for decoration, but to hide the rest of the bird droppings. Next to the couch sat a large, antique lamp with its lamp shade missing. Underneath the dim light, was a nice portrait of the entire house. Henry looked away from the hole, leaving Brett with her head cocked back, the joint still pinched between her lips, to get a closer look. There looked to be four in total: Brett, a very large man, a woman with longer, thick dread locks than Brett, and a extremely short man with a very large, brown beard. Henry went back
I could not doubt the devotion of a Toy Soldier To stand for so long For what has been forsaken
His shoes Which, once upon a time, had been black Are now chipped and stained His buttons Once brilliant and polished Are now dull and hanging only by threads His face Once adorned with regal features Is now distorted and deformed
Tell me Toy Soldier How heavy is that rifle The one you have never dropped The one you never gave up And how weary are your legs Cursed to carrying the burden of your own weight For as long as you last
Tell me Toy Soldier Where are you now Lonely and forgotten Outdated and obsolete
Toy buses roamed throughout the house They even scared a Cat and a Mouse The toy buses maneuvered around every Christmas tree It’s enthusiasm that involves you and me Some toy buses were Red like a Cherry But it is the thought in being Merry Some of the toy buses were heavy, and others light as a feather They were in different designs all put together The toy buses that lit up I was drinking Eggnog in my cup We are Bus Collectors in every way It doesn’t matter what day Santa decided wearing his Red and White, I will let buses guide me tonight Their headlights will lead the way Unfortunately, the Reindeer will be at home to stay So as I prepare for Christmas Day Don’t lose the enthusiasm, and don’t let your buses go astray Buses bring us Joy while we are at peace Being festive at least So as Christmas Eve leads into the night Let it be Silent Night Buses now and forever Dream of buses and think on the design Happy Holidays with Joy and Peace combined The toy buses have all rolled out
My breath comes out in gasps, my vision is tunneled. My energy drained. I wonder, Is this the way a toy feels When its batteries run dry? My heart beat slows, My pulse is weak. I wonder, Is this the way a toy feels When its batteries run dry? Everything goes dark, I am bathed in silence. Serenity, sanctuary. I wonder, Is this the way a toy feels When its batteries run dry? My heart stops beating. My last breath escapes. I am a toy My batteries just ran dry
I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.
My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.
I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.
She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.
I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.
She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.
I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.
I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.
I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.
We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.
I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!
I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.
I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.
I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"
I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.
We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict. I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.
I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.
We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.
Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.
I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.
I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon. I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.
I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.
The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.
I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.
I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.
I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.
I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it naked with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.
Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.
We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.
We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.
I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.
I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.
We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.
We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.
I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.
I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.
I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.
We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.
I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.
Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.
Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.
Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.
Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and lust for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.
Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.
I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.
She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.
I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.
This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
This is a timeline of the major events during my 13 year marriage. Amidst the reality, I injected all the lovely memories that refuse to leave my mind.
My Little Brother’s Toy Train Was indeed a cool toy to play with I remember staring at it with utter fascination I even remember wishing it was mine. We would play with it together Imagining that we were the passengers inside Not even caring about the time. So one night we played with it again But it had a little accident. I knew it was my fault, but I didn’t mean it. My little brother’s eyes were already glistening With tears that are waiting to be freed. I tried to save his toy train So I immediately grabbed it and tried to fix it I looked at my father for help But His eyes were already burning with fire Why is he mad? Why is he angry? What wrong have I done? I am trying to fix what I just broke I am really trying hard. He started to shout Making my knees shake in terror I thought my mother was going to help me But Her eyes were already filled with pure disappointment. “Mama! Help me I never wanted anything like this to happen! I just wanted to play with my little brother Mama, please understand?” I looked back at my father Not meeting his gaze But when I finally did He snatched the toy train from my arms and smashed it with all his might. “I’m sorry little brother! I know how you loved that one.” But his eyes gladly answered “It’s okay my sister, don’t worry, I understand.” My father was still screaming at the top of his lungs My ears felt like they were already bleeding My eyes were already drowning My lips were already trembling trying to make a sound. And when it finally did, the first thing I said was “I’m sorry papa!” But he just kept on shouting! I’m sorry papa I swear I didn’t mean it! I’m sorry papa I was just trying to help! I’m sorry papa but I was just doing what you taught me best To be your perfect little girl I am really trying my best But I’m sorry papa for not being your perfect little girl, Papa I just can’t! There was a complete silence and I thought ‘finally it’s done’ but not until I saw my father’s hand about to land on me. I protected myself with my arms Waiting for the pain to hit hard But It didn’t And just as I started opening my eyes I saw my family eating happily But there was something missing; Why wasn’t there a space for me? I ran to my mother and hugged her But she couldn’t feel me I ran to my brother and sister and hugged them But why couldn’t they feel me? I tried to hold my father’s hand and whisper “I’m sorry” But I guess they have forgotten me. It was like I was watching a life where I once existed but they have abandoned me for not being the perfect little girl they have expected me to be. “I just want this nightmare to end!” I shouted as loud as I could wishing for someone to hear me And just as I was about to lose hope Someone woke me up from my misery He put me into his loving arms. As I whisper “I’m sorry papa, I never meant to disappoint you.” and he fondly answered “It’s okay little one, papa loves you no matter what.”
I want to protect you from the storms of life I want to be your umbrella in the torrential downpour we call tough times Though my fabrics may be porous and the water I shield you from may cause splash back I want to be there At times it may seem that no one loves you I’m **** sure that’s not true But I am not always sure that anyone else has a good enough grasp on the word to know That it by definition means you have to be there for the ones you claim to love Otherwise it doesn’t mean a thing Otherwise you’re just the dope standing in line at the store trying to get a return without a receipt But why would anyone want to return you? You may have come straight out of the package only to be a busted toy that fell into bad hands But as a porous old umbrella I can assure you In my life you are the best that I have got I’d rather shield you from the rain than any naïve, gleaming package Whom has no comprehension of how ****** life is beyond the store walls And you are far more beautiful anyways, with those missing bits and nicks in your plastic In fact I thought you were so beautiful I wrenched myself from my owner’s hands So I could protect you from the pain within the rain instead You were just a toy that had been trashed but I was willing to lose myself for you Willing to lose my time inside my cocoon of ignorance in someone else’s hands Just so that I could be blessed enough to call you my best friend I wanted to bear the weathers over our heads so that yours wouldn’t feel a drop And the only weather I can’t protect you from is the flood of your tears But when they surge upon us in times of trouble I prefer to invert myself and collect Allowing them to pool in the basin of my memories so that one day when you’re stronger than that We can take the time to look back and laugh At the broken toy that couldn’t see that her worst problems Could be fixed by a leaky old umbrella
she was a glutton's for a sadness feast so i spun her a tale from my years ago the wooden toy boat ice bound in the stone fountain's water trapped in its flight across its own vast sea the sound of her sailors wrestling the seas and her captain forever standing lone watch over his beloved craft all there in absolute detail the wooden toy boat
the statues of cherubs in perpetual dance look down on this stranded voyager from their grey unwashed stone tower their stone fingers clutching at the hem of some goddess of the ancient world as if to plead for some favour of her attentions for her to free this voyager and give her kind winds but in this barren winterscape nothing is without its semblance of shade and the cherubs were a dangerous jealousy their childlike eyes forever longing to be grown forever longing to be free of such cold stone pantomime of life
barren trees are blackened and forlorn against the frame of a slate grey sky a few flurry's of snow scatter and dance on descent into the absolution of their frailty in the eyes of the wakened dreamers that all such frail things like the promise of dreams slowly fades with the dreamers tears
the wooden toy boat carries with it still the images of its makers dream its proud sail unfurled and its standard flowing in the crisp breezes but the child who abandon it here lay in his room miles distant in mind from this cast aside toy dreaming his own dreams of building great towers from which he could look down upon the world
the wooden toy boat its forever seeking of a fabled port its forever wishing for its safe harbour i dream of this moment thoughtful of its strange fate am i the boy moved on to create ever greater towers in the sun or the toy locked forever in a yesterday's dreamers eye
I am realizing I seem to be a toy Passed on from boy to boy Told I'm loved by one, then by many None of them meant it, not any I am just a doll that is a common interest for no more than a second I feel like my sanity is being threatened I have feelings, but then I don't, confused and hurt by each guy Driven by a passion to believe each and every lie I want to be loved and that's why I follow But left here in a puddle of my own tears I shall wallow Till the next guy walks bye with his sweet word Only to yet again cause my mind to flutter like the wings of a bird Believing yet again that he could be the one Just to break up the next day, week, month to see that we are done A toy I am and a toy I shall be And if it continues, these boys will see When you break a toy there is a consequence And I will burn the memory of myself in their conscience
You finally did it You finally pushed all my buttons Got on every last nerve Pushed me over the edge You just love to see me in pain No, wait No you don't I don't even matter that much to you I'm just the toy at the bottom of the chest You'll only play with me for a little while Then you'll throw me aside for another toy A better toy And no matter what You know I'll never leave the chest You know I'll always be there Always be waiting for the off chance That someday I'll be your favorite toy
Move right, move left, make sure you don’t get caught. Hide behind that tree and I’ll cover you Like video games.
Pass a brush through the hair and put some makeup on. She will look so beautiful in that dress Like Barbie.
Pretend that you are the toy soldier that would save the world Lead the armies of our favorite cartoons against the evil. Like G.I. Joe.
Build a skyscraper that will be raised up 12 inches up Daddy said that it looked promising. This is Lego.
Fly and be the Red Baron to rule the skies Just watch out for the other toys This is a toy airplane.
Sail and rule the seven seas through seamanship. The tub is not the place to have this toy, though. This is the USS Enterprise, toy form.
Because with the toys of our youth anything is possible But no one told us that they stayed toys in our youth. And if our imagination died with those toys. Did our youth end with that imagination. We thought we could be any toy soldier. Mommy just had to buy it for us And then we could be. But now we have different action figures. Called weights and cars and watches Because we did not so much grow out of toys As pick different ones once we grew up. Our youth lives on.
You got bored so you find a toy. Your a stupid boy. My feeling aren't made to play with. You only want me for one thing. Sometimes I wander if love is just a myth. You take away all my joy. I don't know what to do any more. I thought you were threw. I thought you got bored with your new toy But you keep coming back. I feel trapped. Nowhere to run. Want to get out but don't know how. I say no But you don't go I'm so tierd of this game. **I'm not a toy.
you, you are pathetic. you think the world is a playground and that i'm your toy. YOU THINK I'M YOUR TOY BUT I KNOW I'M NOT. I AM A PERSON A GOOD PERSON A NICE PERSON A PRETTY PERSON I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT I'M 'HOT' ONLY TO MAKE ME HAPPY AND BELIEVE YOUR IDIOT LIES "she kind of looks okay without glasses, less makeup, and straight hair." EXCUSE YOU? I LOOK GREAT WITH GLASSES, MAKEUP AND CURLY HAIR. BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER THAN YOU AND I AM NOT YOUR TOY. I WILL NEVER BE YOUR TOY AGAIN AND I WILL BURN THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOU IN THE SCHOOL YEARBOOK BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE REMEMBERED BY ME.
i deserve better because i am not a toy to be played with when you're bored