I'm secluding myself from humanity in hopes my rationality will come back soon
I'm burying myself in books, marrying them giving all my love to them
With the innocence of eternal love
The one that will last forever
I drugged myself this morning, in hopes to feel something-- anything.
5 minutes nothing
10 I'm feeling drowsy
20 I'm just sleepy
I took my pain medicine and my sisters fever medicine both combining to make Vicodin, the holy narcotic everyone talks about, but I felt nothing.
I didn't want an overdose, I don't want to die, atleast not now, I guess.
I smoked cigarettes, cigars, ****, hookah, I drank liquor and beer
Nothing.
Last night I combined coffee and cigarettes, I felt heavy and refreshed from the menthol
I felt relaxed.
Now my sweet encounter became a viscous addiction.
I'm a **** up in normal human form.

The new girl usually kept to herself,
chose to be alone,
A few would approach her but wouldn't get too far.
She did all she could to stay low key and unknown,
At least that's how it normally was from the start.

Dressed in her favorite attire of velvet, leather, burgandy and long black boots.
Secluding herself in her throne of never ending isolation at the corner of the room.

She only had one goal in mind,
one indecisive boy she was after,
So certain that he was the answer...

Longing and hoping for the hesitant boy with unclear intentions,
to realize he didn't need to fear the love she had for him, without question.

She stayed stuck, glued to her phone
Day after day,
As if her life solely depended on any interaction made.
Every moment she would replay.
He was fuel filling her heart with more than what she couldn't have ever began to imagine was real to ever possibly feel.

Even when what he gave her was nothing more than a few rare simple nothings.
She would do just about anything if it meant he would stay.

Even if it meant not telling him how she felt
In order to remain as close to him as possible in fear of being pushed away...

She loved staying in her own world,
But she couldn't stay in that world forever.
She inevitably had to return right back into reality and face what her situation was in front of her.

Afraid of her new surroundings she'd never interact,
Many people come and go as they always do,
Wondering when she could somehow ever adapt,
She realized she may have spoken too soon...

A girl with a gentle yet sad aura about her,
along with a sad pair of lifeless deadened eyes...
Only revealing that both were longing for something similar.
Just like the girl she found herself gravitating towards this time...

I remember when the clouds began to look like a vortex
Hovering above the trees
Ready to inhale anything in their path,
And I remember when the walls of my own bedroom
Started to feel like barricades
Secluding me from all the things
That made me feel anything at all,
And I remember my own voice
Passing quietly through the empty hearts
Of the ones I thought had been listening all along
And came hurling back toward me
Like a car spun out of control across wet asphalt,
And I remember when the only ones around
To keep me company
Were the echoes between my own skin and bones.

What a relief
That when you left
They followed close behind.

What could be more romantic
than the rain?
It whispers words of love
I longed to yearn.
Out-pours noises
secluding me away from time.
Runs these tingling sensations
like a lover on my side.

Whilst I grabbed
a cup of coffee,
I could travel my words
like music.
With every droplets,
the rain calls my name.
Sayin' love my dear
isn't made for free.

The side I never knew...
Entirely, was you.
Trading in the confusion you feed.
Completely new animal. Completely new breed.
Rearranged by the constant of a ghost.
A stranger who found his body a host.
Whose touch is something to beware.
For a selfish serpent has no care.
Whose mind was washed by others opinion.
Secluding himself to a backwards companion.
Drenched to the bone by poor decision.
Consuming oxygen's way of revision.
Welcoming an uncomfortable thought.
Before one's born, a casket is bought.

I think
it's a known fact
most people with an
eating disorder
end up pulling away
and secluding
and closing off.
spending more time alone
and less time with
others.

what I don't think
is everyone knows
why
we do this

we're hiding
hiding from you
whoever you are
you are against us.
you are trying
to force the enemy
into our hands
and onto our plates
and into our mouths.

the more time I spend
around you
the more you will
notice.
notice the signs
and the loss
and the anger
and everything else
we so cautiously hide

but for me
anyway
seclusion was hiding
hiding from the enemy
protecting my guard
my so fragile confidence
what I felt
and how I saw myself.
the more I was around others
and the food-
God the food-
the more I realized I needed it

but in my heart
I didn't want it
so i hid
from my enemy
from myself
and from you

Broken soul
Silent by nature
Spewing malicious words in anger
Spiraling downward in a fit of rage
Destroying everything in its path
Making sure there's nothing left to stand
Casting away every helping hand
Self-destruction is the plan
Secluding myself in a room,
with no doors or windows
Lying on the floor,
the breathing slows
Thumbing through the memories
All my pain and fault I see
This broken soul lies deep in me
Commit me to the ground so I can be
Alone in a dirt room
Lifeless
Bring me to serenity
One step closer to heaven
At peace...

I've never seen black or white. I live through a vision of grey filled with reason and understanding.
I don't have opinions, I have views. I see both sides, all sides, I see everything and feel nothing. Sometimes I'll see nothing and feel everything because feelings are fleeting but time has always been my companion. Time to think, time to seclude, time to make time when sometimes there is no time to be given. I think when I was a child my first step was a step backwards. A step not into life, but secluding myself from it. I will always have a hunger to see and go and do more but I've taken what I've been given and stepped backward to see and feel as much as I can. Always living in that farther place has made me believe I'm not experiencing what others experience. I watch and observe and I wait until I'm finally cozied up in a small shack at the bottom of a memory-filled place somewhere. Anywhere.
I don't think, I know. You truly are you surround yourself with and the areas that surround you. I know I will never reach my own personal enlightenment, or maybe happiness, until I'm in that happy place. So in the meantime I remain the minimalist I was born to be, letting few things into my grasp and few people into my life because I'm waiting for the day I can pick up and leave and take my first step into life.
In everything there's a double meaning.

i await that sweet rush
of passion, blood, & heart beats.
the friction of our flesh,
creating a seductive,
secluding warmth
for us to get lost in.

i await that sweet escape
from the pain of living
and lack of living.
the taste of your soul
on my lips.
breathing you in
through every part of me.

i await the sweet sound of home,
the symphony our senses play.
dancing with you,
romancing with you,
as the whole world falls away.

She is worth more than the sight of a galaxy, worth more than the definition of beauty and imperfection. She is unnatural; her essence of beauty is a mental defectiveness, a deformity, for none of her lineaments exhibit any of those touching imperfections that reconcile us to the imperfection of the world. His gaze was fixed upon her as she felt un-ease. She could feel every piece of clothing on her fade as he undressed her  with his look. Having no regard for her being, keeping a lustful look upon her physique. A prey for his pleasure he sees her. He made the impression of an animal yawping for harmony.  
Yet he knows better than to pounce on her, searching within himself he finds a means imprinted deep upon his limbic stem. He studies patiently for her weakness, her innocence his first victim.
He tells her what she wants to hear, being careful with his selective half-truths. Guiding her gently to his already devised plan. Secluding her further from those close to her. His contagious condemnation made her emotions hunger for His lovable excrescence. He was desperate and without a word he infected her with an anxious sickness.
He couldn't help himself with mesmerizing thoughts, breeding words of his ***** desire; such words were made known to her through his eyes. For He desired to plunge his spear into her most precious sheath and play a game that fulfills a fierce urge that she can't deny. Her realization is too late. With none around to keep her from him. Knowing she is all at his mercy, he defile's her. Feasting upon her virtue, degrading her till she finds no esteem for her being; while she stands within the inconspicuous  pentagram of her own virginity. She is a never seen mirror, an unbroken egg, a sealed vas, a desired emotion, that made her magical; her magic made him, a slave. His touch both destroys and comforts her; she could feel his naked eyes roaring flashes through her thoughts with the urge of a beast, to strip her skin away and clothe her with his, and to drown her in the capacity of mirrored lust.

Remember when the rain was beating on the windows
blurring out the parking lot surrounding us;
secluding, isolating us inside steamy windows.
Between curfews and the length of the "movie"
we weren't wasting any time.

Clothes came off quickly like the breaths we gave each other

inhale       exhale      inhale      exhale

it was a collaborative effort.

Your lips tasted like the mountain dew in the front seat
and my breath tasted vulnerable on your tongue.
We gave each other all we were willing to give
and it was innocent and it was impulsiveness, over and over,
and it was the light in our eyes
               the designs on our fingertips
               that called the shots.

fast forward

There is still rain tapping on the widows,
but it's not fully blurring out the man walking to his car 100 feet away.
Keeping track of our routine time limit
we knew the moves
we knew the drills.

But apparently I'm not so "innocent" anymore and that bothers you.
I am no longer on the same page as you and I no longer hold your same perspective.
Or maybe I'm just realizing that they were always different.

But you can no longer seem to match my breathing.
You can no longer seem to draw the same entrancing pictures
on the inside of my cheek.
Who knows when you stopped fully caring,
but your radiating desires won't let you stop touching me.
Won't let you say that you no longer feel the warmth our bodies ignited.

And you thought I wouldn't notice, but I **** well did.

I could tell from the flat-soda taste of your lips  
               from the rough, jagged edges of your fingertips
but was still offering you my own.
I saw it coming, but
was still offering you parts of me.

Hell, I probably would've given you everything, if you had asked.


now as I sit here watching my "innocence"
continue to disappear like wisps of smoke
I can't decide if I truly regret letting it leave

from innocence to individuality
I can't decide if I ruined something good
or decided I wanted something better.

Now don't get me wrong,
what we had was good.
It was young and it was new
but it was fragile and it grew
in two opposite directions
and lets face it, neither of us had a map
neither of us knew how to get back on the track
that we thought we wanted.
Let's face it, neither of us remembered
to bring along a bottle of mountain dew
so that we could pretend nothing had changed
so that we could pretend that we didn't think that
we deserved better.

Over the years I've noticed that I feel differently about life than most people.
I've noticed the way I look at the stars just before midnight when they seem to shine the brightest, with a desire in my heart to know what it's like to be up there.
My entire perception of the world is shaped completely around curiosity, a curiosity to know the completeness of things that exist within a vast emptiness.

Like space; I desire to know what it is like to flow through space, live in space, be a part of space. Maybe like being the moon, living calmly alone in the darkness, lonely and unbothered.
Or perhaps maybe a star, surrounded by nothing. There is a certain beauty in nothing. I find there is a peace in nothing. I desire to know what it is like to live within nothing, to be nothing.

Most people, I'd believe, look up at the sky in an amazement, almost an awe, for what they can see only as a beauty to the eye, and nothing more.
I look up at the sky, however, with a longing in my heart, feeling separated from where I truly belong.

I have began to realize the meaning behind my admiration and utter jealousy of the universe comes from the truth that I feel I am meant to be above the secluding, limiting, unbearableness we call the world. That living within it I feel subject to only a small portion of everything, everything but nothing.

I feel living upon this world minimizes my true worth, my true meaning in the universe. Where life upon nothing, within nothing, is impossible. But a life of nothing, is truly the life for me.

Not only do I see hundreds of stars with just one glance upon the night sky, I see a home, somewhere where I can just be, my home.
A home that has been formed from the comfortableness I find within myself. Each star and each comet, the beauty marks upon my face, my imperfections- they are symbolic of the bright dullness I find in being alone, completely alone.

I have come to know the reason why I am so attached to the vast, empty universe composed of nothing, surrounded by nothing, filled with nothing, and only nothing. The universe is the sole recluse of who I am, what I am.
When I see it, I see myself; a clear mirror exists between the universe and I, along with all of the vast emptiness and nothing, surrounded by nothing, filled with nothing, and only nothing that's been used to create me.
That mirror a wall, with no real barrier, yet preventing me from surpassing the life I live- one yearning to touch my other face, my true face, made entirely of the beauty I find true peace within, the beauty of nothing, and only nothing, the nothing that's been used to create me.

Depression? Psh so what. But in a way depression is silent. It attacks the mind, body, and soul. It doesn't matter who you are or if you're famous or not. Depression can strike anyone at anytime when you least expect it. It will never leave your side. It'll never let you rest, smile, laugh or be happy. It sticks to you like the way glue sticks to paper. You know that it's there but you really can't do anything about it. It attacks you in many ways. Whether it be a bad breakup, seeing someone you love or care about with another person, not being able to see the ones that you love and know. You're in a hopeless spiral and waves of emotions are crashing all around you as you try to swim away from it all but it keeps pulling you back in in a mindless and endless void of darkness. You try to find your way through it but you have no light to guide you. You frantically search around for something to hold onto of find some sort of light in the darkness. As you are walking you're finding it hard to take the next step. You're slowly sinking in the darkness screaming out for help but no one comes to your rescue. You continue to scream as your face is now in the dark void and you start falling. As you fall you start to think of those that have helped you but then you also think of those that abandoned you. Your eyes start to tear up and swell and you start to believe that no one would be there to catch you. There is no one that'll help you out in your times of need and when you want to say something or cry out for help, you're afraid to even do it because you don't know how people will react or what they will say. It's all up to you and how you even say it. They could leave you or they would understand and help you through it. But you're still scared out of your mind because they could turn their backs on you and tell you to ***** off or make you leave them alone for a long time because of what you have said to them. You then have no one to count on anymore. You start to go to therapy for your depression and you tell them what you have done and that you want the pain to stop. They always say to you though that everything will be alright and that things will get better over time and that you just have to wait for that time to come. After a while you start coming to the conclusion that nothing good will come to you anymore. You lock yourself away hiding from the world around you. You become a total shut in secluding yourself in your own comfort zone but you find that you are still lonely and that the depression is weighing you down. It's making you carry it with you where ever you go making sure that you are always in a bind and making sure that you can't get out of it even if you'd try to. Depression is a silent killer. It can strike you at anytime and at any place. There is no running from it even if your in therapy or taking pills for it. It'll still attack you no matter what and when it does, you'll want to give up on everything and everyone. it's just a matter of time.

Never ******* about the lack of sunshine in the sky
never changed the way i walk to keep my sneakers dry
Often tried to change the lesser aspects of my self
failing miserably then straight secluding using stealth

Dreaming of a place where only i alone exist
running from the monkeys on my back i should resist
Eating quite abundantly until i cannot walk
screaming at the trees until i find i cannot talk

you can only find the sadness in the
song if you're really listening to
it, the heartfelt outcry initially later
secluding into the heart of the
girl, who is truly happy while is never
underneath
I can't believe I made it this far

Let you and me, eternally,
And gleefully, together be
Together, free, in harmony,
We will be for eternity

And in your arms, serenity,
Forever will be soothing me,
And moving me, internally,
Alluring me, continually

I'll love your skin, relentlessly,
Your words strung like a melody,
Will hit my ears, seducing me,
Bemusing me, a symphony,

Your face-- the perfect sight to see,
To see your eyes- the artistry
Let me be lost, in poetry,
Of a gaze so lost in reverie

Your hair like mist, eluding me,
And gently then, secluding me
I'm drawn to you, so hopelessly,
My love for you is ruling me

Your smile, so grand and heavenly,
Those lips, engulfed in ecstasy
You're beautiful, effortlessly,
Perfection is your tendency

A dream, a sight, a mystery,
A gleam of light, illusory,
And touch of skin, so velvety,
As though a touch of destiny

My fervour rises fervently,
As you approach, advertantly
The thought of you, reducing me,
To a poet, musing foolishly

You stare at me, romancingly,
Two dreamy eyes, deducing me
Disintegrating, breaking me,
As if to be diffusing me

I feel like God is choosing me,
To be the one, deservedly,
The one you'll love so fervidly,
My fears are slowly losing me

I am in love, and certainly,
This feeling grows abundantly
Each moment shared so blissfully,
Forever etched in memory

Now I am yours, entirely
No dream, no lie, no fantasy
A love written in history,
It shall be for eternity

I am not calm.
My head is spinning,
My vision’s fading.
With each person
Passing by,
Is another person
That tries to interact.
And with each
Delicately soul-retching
Interaction I have,
It all moves faster,
And my stomach flips
Over once more.

Now I feel about to cry.
People have tried to
Involve this sad soul,
But I turn them away,
Only secluding myself
Further into this abyssal hell.

I’m no better than I was,
Those 3 years ago.
I say I’ve changed,
But it’s all the same.

All I could do then was run away,
But I still ran away, even now.

I tightened the circle
let the lines loosen,
then in my state of confusion
pulled them tightly.

I subtracted loved ones nightly,
despite my social media
connections
my real-life affections
became whispers in
the distance from
previous family members
and friends I’ve loved.

With a noose I constricted
till it was too perfect.
Then I ****** it.
It was like when
I was biting
my tongue
just hard enough to hurt
but not enough to cut
that slippery tool off.

I choked and cough
felt the loss
as I tried to break
my own neck.
I signed my own check,
by happily self-secluding,
and the excuse I was using
was the best scape goat.

As grief scraped my throat,
I tried to cleanse my palate
stirred my mind like a salad
all vegies and greens mixing,
lying and saying it was healthy
but really just tricking
myself into doing what
I was always going to do.

Death by a thousand losses,
each cut cost me
a fraction of my identity
and hopeful personality.

Until my corpse
swung from the rafters
and tears sprung from
melancholic laughter.

Then nothing came
happily, ever after.

I'm working towards numbness
and there's nothing you can do.
Darling, don't you see?
There is nothing you can do.
Nothing to lose.

Their cares are misplaced
and nobody sees it.
How long can I sink,
till I'm nothing at all?

Let's make this a challenge
I'll play this same game.
Wishing my life away
I am wishing my whole life away . . .
Desperate for change
and a new circuit home.
Desperate to change before heart turns to stone.

There's nothing they'll miss,
and no words to stand out.
My dear friend, I've become instant.
A fleeting feeling of well-deserved fame,
gone like a lighter . . .
The fire won't stay.

Secluding myself,
inducing my Hell.
The feeling of touch leaves my hands,
I'm thinking alone,
I'll choose to here stand.
No stories to tell,
and the ends of my skin pull numbness whole through.

There's something in the way you ignore me.
I'm craving a rainbow of thought.
Attention is mildly overrated.
Something tells me I am more sold than bought.

Slowing,
slowing,
your voice kills my soul.
Pretending to listen.

Its been so long since i put my words on paper, why?
I find every sentence I want has a synonym in every emotion.
Every swell of imagery has been ruined perpetually by my burning out.
By my stuffing down.
By secluding the dark into a tiny dimension with a haphazard sign,
all pictures left my mind and all that is and all that could be, stayed.
I worried what others cared for, i forgot i cared too.
Got so wrapped in the world inside my world, i forgot how to draw.
All colors have escaped through crevices i thought i filled. And to imagine more seemed such a task.
To imagine anything but hollow seems against my own moral code these days. I ask myself what hurts and then.
I only see words. I hear the sentences without beauty. Just in that, it is.