Bella 1d
Sometimes I get stuck in this state of Darkness
where my eyes can see things
but it's like my head is just pitch black
and I almost wish I couldn't see anything,
like I wish I could just curl myself into a ball so tightly that I disappear from space for a while

sometimes I get stuck in this space
and I feel like my tears and my thoughts
are climbing up my esophagus and clogging my throat
blocking my airway
suffocating me from the inside

maybe I never told you I was depressed because who wants to relive that moment
that choking hazard moment of cotton balls in my throat

maybe I never told you I was depressed because there are no words I can use to describe it that don't transform themselves into their meanings
that don't take over my mind
crawl through my head like little worms
eating away at my brain
my thoughts
my skin

have you ever thought of a traumatic experience and then felt those events happening again
felt the dark hole of life-threatening-trauma attack your mind
and your body
like it was a demon you let in through a memory-
through a word

maybe I didn't tell you I was depressed
because I wasn't strong enough
my depression fills me to the brim
fills my head and my chest
my arms and my fingers
I can feel it moving through my body
I can feel it expanding and engulfing everything inside of me
every last vein, nerve, organ, and tissue
how can you expect me to have the energy to fight
how can you expect me to have the energy to pick up the phone
to open my mouth
how can you expect me to have energy-to have the courage to utter the words of how I feel
I feel so worthless
in those moments I feel like there's this black whole inside me and it's consuming everything
it's taking everything but my skin
and it disgusts me

can you imagine the feeling,
having something so utterly gross on your skin you had to scrape it off immediately
It felt like you needed to be cleaned
like you needed a shower
take that feeling
now imagine it being under your skin
imagine every muscle organ vein nerve every cell in your body underneath your epidermis disgusted you
imagine all you wanted to do was to
GET
IT
OFF
and you can't
no matter how hard you try
you can't scrape it off
you can't claw It off

imagine you're scared of spiders
now imagine you're covered in spiders
and someone's holding down your arms
so you can't get them off
imagine them walking on your skin
in your mouth
crawling on your open eyes
in your ears
you're cringing at your own skin
You can feel them going down your throat
Their disgusting tickle in your stomach
in every crevice of your body
their tunneling under your skin
and you can't get them off
what are you supposed to do
but cry
My best friend's mom who doesn't believe in depression asked why I never told her I was depressed...
why do people run
with their most fragile possession
in their hands?
is it desperation
or longing?
i don't understand.
if you only sleep together,
you can't share your dreams.
but if you are just talking,
then you're literally only speaking.
this is the dance i don't understand...
there's more to this than i published but i'm not sure if it's good enough to make it to daylight. if this is alright, lmk
Amanda Jul 10
I have been stepping through furious fire
Pouring gasoline on flames
Frustration flows freely from your falling voice
Flinging our fatigued names

Emotions; turbulent winds in the stars
Feed burning sky, I am standing bare
I am hopeful, it scares me awake
Heart shatters to make me aware

I hear heavy nothings
Still reluctant to part
Words cut deep, though meaningless
Can't move forward, or go back to the start


I am sick of self-soothing my soul
Mouth opens to tase life so sweet
I am silenced, blinded, alone
Needing comfort, I am lost in defeat

Millions of little airy questions
Scald senses, are you going away?
I am numb, the pain fades to fear
Everything leaves, will this love stay?
kirk 4d
Fallen angels eternal sleep, broken hearts that rip and tare
All our lives are harder now, now your no longer there
You are loved by all of us, because your soul is rare
lost friends will always suffer, when so many people care

The world was such a better place, since our paths first crossed
Summers turned to bitter cold, now that you've been lost
Flakes of snow forever falls, life comes at a high cost
The happiness that we once felt, has turned to bitter frost

Too many fallen angels, there is no sense of hope
Flights of beauties crippled wing, down life's long slippery slope
A sense of lose always remains, knots in a fraying rope
Tangled feelings always last, as we all try to cope

Blackness falls upon our soul, twinkles fade in the night sky
Fallen stars no longer shine, tears of the Sun will cry
Unanswered questions plague my mind, what is the reason why
Broken hearts forever bleed, when you have to say goodbye

Cries of fallen angels echoing, beneath heavens golden cross
Tears of our desperations, when you suffer a great loss
Life's too short for all of us, to gather too much moss
Everything that once was bright , no longer shines like gloss

Why was beauty taken, life will never be the same
Your lost presence will be felt, with every burnt out flame
You touched everybody's hearts, from the day that you first came
Life's not fare now you are gone, is life itself to blame
A tribute to a beautiful poet Rock-A-Little a fallen angel, fell too soon
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