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Kayla Sep 2016
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to lose you.

I don’t know what to say.
I just want us to be okay.

I have to move on.
I’ve known for so long.

But I don’t want to.
I don’t want to lose you.

- kmh
Kayla Oct 2016
You’re beautiful;
A strong maple in autumn.
You don’t care about me.
You let me go,
As if I was the last leaf on your highest branch;
Slow and gentle;
Falling to the ground now.
You’ll grow new leaves in the spring.
I’ll just crumble into the earth below you.

- kmh
Kayla Sep 2016
My heart pounds like thunder.
Your eyes shine like lightning.
We crash together.
There’s a storm inside of me.

The sound is muffled,
The flashes slowing.
We’re diminishing now.
You brewed a hurricane inside of me.

The birds are out,
Chirping, whirling.
The sun is shining.
It’s over.

And you’re nowhere to be found.

- kmh
Not my best, but I think I'm getting over him.
Kayla Oct 2016
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I’m just a lost boy at sea.
Crashing waves inside of me.
Saltwater in my veins.
Drowning in my pain.
The tide eases now.
I’m slowly recovering.
The waves at a halt.
I was once a lost boy.
And now I’m crowned the king.

- kmh
Kayla Nov 2016
I stopped painting flowers for you today.
All the petals have fallen off.
You’re no longer part of my thoughts.
I’ve gotten you out of my head.
I loved you at one point,
But that time is over now.
I stopped painting flowers for you today.
Now there’s nothing left.

- kmh
Kayla Aug 2016
I miss high school.
Not the overdramatic girl yelling at the top of her lungs.
Not the so-called friends that left me stranded.
Not the hours of homework on something I still don’t understand.
I miss people.
I miss moments.
I miss routine.
I miss him.

- kmh
Kayla Aug 2016
I thought I was over you.
I thought I was done.
I thought I was moving on.

I stopped thinking about you.
I thought that was the end,
The end of something that never began.

I was wrong.

- kmh
Kayla Sep 2016
I thought I was okay.
I thought I was getting better,
finally getting over you.
But then there was a night that came;
I saw your face this time.
You were standing there,
as stunning as could be.
As much as I thought I didn’t want you to turn and look at me,
my heart pleaded for your attention,
even for a brief second.
Things happened that night;
not between you and I,
nor between the sun and the sky.
It was another love of mine.
Everything was shattering and it was my mistake.
It was deteriorating,
breaking at the roots.
But you were there,
and my heart skipped a beat.
I tried to pass it off,
but my heart wouldn’t budge.
That night I came to a realization:
I won’t be over you anytime soon.

- kmh
Feelings and thoughts. It's complicated...
Kayla Aug 2016
And somehow you're still the one.
You're still the same boy I love;
the one I fell for years ago.
You're still in my heart.
I know I'm not in yours,
but I can't help, but hold you in mine.
You were my first love.
And I know that no matter what I do,
I'll always be in love with you.

- kmh
Kayla Jul 2016
You
I love you.
I still do.
I was never yours.
And I know I never will be.
But these feelings won't go away.
I can't erase my memory of you.
You just won't fade away.
I guess you're here to stay.
I'll keep my distance.
I know you don't care.
I just really miss you.
And I know I always will.

- kmh
Kayla Jul 2016
I am lost.
Trapped in an ocean.
Waves of depression,
Crash against my heart.

There’s a lighthouse,
But she won’t show me the way.
The tide is coming in.
It rushes through me.

I see the coast,
But I can’t reach it.
The salt water stops me.
I am drowning.

- kmh
Kayla Oct 2016
You and me,
we have a past.
We have a history.
Never together;
almost, but not quite.

We were strangers.
We were friends.
We fell for each other.
But we couldn’t be together.
We both knew that.
We had history with others;
we just couldn’t let go.

We fell apart;
so close to love,
yet so far gone.
It dissolved.

But things change.
We’re friends again.
Really good ones at that.
Closer than before.
And that’s all we’ll be;
Just friends;
For now that is.

- kmh
So this guy and I went from complete strangers and ended up falling for each other, but we couldn't be together at the time because it was really complicated so we stopped talking. We started talking again after months and now we know that we're just staying friends for a while because we both still have feelings for other people that we just can't let go. And we're really close friends now so yeah...
Yonnick August Jan 2019
Nil are the things that conquer the speed of time.
Not the cheetah racing to its prey,
nor a car upwards of 200 kmh in a 85.
Not the sinking of confidence when faced with doubt,
nor a kid escaping against curfew orders.
Not the changes of a lover’s feelings without warning,
nor changes of one with bipolar struggles.
It’s the spasm of the way things exist.
Distracted even for a second, as
everything gallops into history you can’t recuperate.
Close the curtains of your sight,
and be amazed at the speed of the sun.
From the beginning, time a long stream,
forever a gravitational pull,
for those who wrestle to keep up with it still,
while abundant of others who have finished their race.
It’s always the same orbit.
With the impossibility of changing choices,
welcoming this new year,
In something so metaphysically tangible,
yet so unaltered.
Kayla Jul 2016
I'm falling back in love with you.
I know they say that you can't love someone you've never had.
They're wrong.
Like isn't a strong enough word for these feelings.
I'm falling back into you brown eyes and amazing smile.
I know you don't love me,
but I can't help, but fall.
I am falling into infinity,
And I'm just barely through the surface.

- kmh
Kayla Oct 2016
A smoke filled bedroom;
Pills on the side table.
His hands of ice.
Sliding down his pale skin.
Deep breaths.
He shudders.
His eyes once so blue,
They’ve turned to stone.
Deep breaths.
He panics.
The sadness inside him,
Overwhelmingly calm.
It creeps over his shoulder,
Flowing through his veins.
It washes over him now.
Deep breaths.
He exhales.
Silence.
It’s over now.

- kmh
I had the first two lines written down for a while not knowing what I wanted to do with them, but this is the result.
Kayla Oct 2016
Here’s to what if.
What if everything that happened between us was meant to be?
What if we could start over?
Would you be willing to meet again?
Or would you just stay in your ways and move on with life,
never questioning?
Maybe we weren’t meant to be together then,
but we’re older now and things, they change.
So have we? My feelings for you haven’t.
I still love you.
Do you love me?

- kmh
Kayla Jul 2016
You're like gravity,
dragging me down to this hell we call heartbreak.
I'm crashing into the depths.
And the shadows call your name.

The demons within us,
they shatter in between,
leaving shards behind.
This pit is never-ending.

You used to be my light,
a lantern to lead the way.
Now I sit here all alone,
the space around me dark.

The air like the winter,
cold and heartless.
You left this hell.
Now I'm just hanging.

I know you're fighting your own demons,
but I know your hell is bright.
You have lanterns hung along the walls.
But I lost my only light.

I'll just sit here in the dark,
Waiting for it to come back on,
but I lost it.
I lost you.

- kmh
Kayla Sep 2016
I can’t be with someone that is glued to the past and so full of nostalgia.
I just can’t do it.
I can’t wait around for you to get to the present day.
Oh boy you’re stuck in time.
Who knows how long it will take for you to come to your senses?
I won’t wait around for someone like you.
I refuse to be dragged back in time,
for that will only hurt me more.
So I have to let you go.
Let you fall back so far behind.

- kmh
Pretty much.
Kayla Jul 2016
I am overthinking.
I am always sinking,
into this abyss,
slowly, like a kiss.

Some days I am down.
Others I feel like a clown.
I just want to be free,
free of this anxiety.

I am not happy,
nor am I sad.
I'm full of panic,
not so manic.

I'm losing my sanity.
Held down only by gravity.
I just want to be free,
free of this anxiety.

- kmh
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2021
sometimes it so happens that... you ride a bicycle to get a... suntan on your legs... the face is covered, the hands and forearms too... little blonde hairs protruding... giggling copper-neck: i have become...

a purely joyous endeavour, it has to be,
there's no otherwise...
cycling... against the eight winds:
gusts from either the south, east...
or gusts from north-east...
perhaps i could brag about knowledge
of classical music...
but something wonderful is brewing
in Europe... a pagan revival in music...
example no. 1? Faun...
tanz mit mir! there are plenty others...
i was almost waiting for this to happen...
to escape the constipation of a Glass...
sorry... i can't listen to the "music" of
falling pianos or shattering glass...
give me the sparrows... give me the sparrows!
by now... a crow croaking:
uncorking a bottle of wine sounds more
pleasant...
i'm alone... there's a maine **** cat sleeping
in my bed... how did i manage
to have a cat that likes me?
doesn't matter... peasant music... like peasant
food: the simpler it is the better it is...
of the people: for the people...
i'd settle for some chants of the templars
while i'm at it...
anything medieval... too...
because i can't remember having fun with
music since...
oh... silverchair's: frogstomp...
or... tool's anaemia...
                                or... king crimson's:
in the court of the crimson king...
or culture's: harder than the rest...
- i never understood any sort of music snobbery...
Phil Collins has had a terrible time...
whenever his solo project
or whether still writing for Genesis...
surprise surprise...
on a cool night when...
it really takes 2 sessions of cycling to complete it...
the 2nd... cruise mentality...
the most perfect song: Genesis' no son of mine...
the bicycle turned into a drum-kit...
i was hammering my legs
on the pedals and grooving
finger tapping...
don't know: perhaps it was just the excuse for
a day spent...
a most perfect song to listen to
while cycling through the labyrinth of
streets of outer London...
peeping into houses
watching them ferment into cucumber pickles
watching t.v.:
i still watch it... i'd much prefer an aquarium
filled with fish... better still...
a fireplace... t.v. Plato's cave it is...
from time to time...
10 years not cycling:
i still can't get over the fact
that a £125 viking road bicycle is a better
machine than a £495 trek marlin mountain bike...
what else?
i seem to have forgotten something
having found myself this very evening...
ah... cycling in the evening...
when the air thins out
because it cools...
you can get up to 30+kmh on some
stretches of the road... whizz whizz...
the trees forever stand: deservedly rooted...
i imagine what it must feel like
to jump into the swimming pool...
i haven't swam in well over a decade:
it's not like i've forgotten it...
i haven't forgotten my centre of gravity
on a bicycle... those 23cm tyres really
pierce the tarmac...
the momentum is unreal...
as is my aggressive cycling...
i like to shame the people driving by being
quicker out onto the roundabout...
not being a **** about it...
but... solipsistic cyclists that get themselves
splattered into liver pate...
drivers that indicate too late or...
too soon... then change their minds...
to hell with owning a car!
why would i need a car?
by car, what's implied?
road-tax... m.o.t.... i can fix my own bicycle up...
plus the thrill of tight: lycra...
the closest i'll come to latex and b.d.s.m. ***
i wouldn't substitute a bicycle for
a motorbike even if i wanted
the added speed...
what?! so freely... no helmet... wind against the
face... eh...
absolutes... minimalism...
i would be most tired trying to pretend
to be a good lover...
i'd be tired of the dates...
put me on a bicycle
and i'm off... rummaging in my mind...
- and as i left Upminster and headed toward...
i'm most thoroughly: through-and-through...
what am i? i must be an: Anglo-Slav...
i'm pretty sure the Anglo-Saxons were
Saxon-Saxons prior to reaching these
isles... where... the Romans found the Welsh
and the Scots and all the other Celts...
well then... then the infusion of French Normans
and the French Normans having roots
in Scandinavia... Danes... etc.
who are you? i ask myself...
perhaps i don't agree with the layer
of culture ruling these lands...
i knew this would happen...
when my grandfather died i knew i would
close a chapter of a book
where i still felt some... organic...
thirst for my native Poland...
the English have a knack at organising
land... the Polacks lack it...
ask a ****** what a village should be...
all the houses at the main road...
never... like the Ingleash... German... huddled together...
scenic...
i once loved the pines of Poland...
forests of birch trees! the scouts
of the kingdom of trees...
i've settled for the oak of England...
kings of the north...
Anglo-Slav... well... i have been living 'ere
since i was 8...
i'm 35 now...
if the natives care so much to pander
to their former colonial subjects...
at least the Sikhs can be met in the middle:
in no-man's land...
and almost everyone else...
but it's their problem...
i just acquired this tongue and i'll use this
tongue over my native tongue:
even though i rather read a philosophy book
in ****** than in English...
i can't read a philosophy book in English...
English pragmatism is too strong
to settle for continental metaphysics as
somehow... entertaining...
i don't know the months of the year
in my mother-tongue...  i rather think of numbers
in: raz... dwa... trzy... cztery...
than one, two, three, four...
this apparently makes me a schizophrenic:
literally: bilingual...
to hell with it... bothersome little: turnips in tunics...
i stopped minding when i learned
that... people don't really need to be
that important...
- how else doesn't it therefore work?
former colonial subjects came to England
and began their quest to own the English
institutions... laws...
lawns...
so much for the debacle of Rotherham...
me?
i came for Bower Wood... i came for
the rolling hills of Essex...
i came for the oak... i came for the jolly
green...
even if London has "fallen" and become
little Lahore...
i'm not native enough to cry over the loss...
i'm looking for an England "elsewhere"...
eh... they didn't leave any wolves roaming:
i'll settle for the foxes!
it took me an almost "forever" to "befriend" one...
but then i cooked the most amazing curry
and he came sniffing...
i fattened him up for a month...
before he was hit by a car or...
worse... poisoned... a fox that became a dog:
no food went to waste...
well... no need to masquerade this freely:
come... freely on a whim go...
i don't need to lie about being a Don Juan...
i don't need to go on dates:
i can just find my way into a brothel
but by then: cycling is more available
ergo? by then *** becomes a chore...
hyped-up: i like to use the muscles associated
with cycling... i'll bench-press my body
to deflate the "*****":
i just don't need the lies of purity...
body-count... who's fooling who?
a dog invokes a need for a leash...
how much i prefer cats? no leash...
and there are periods in the day
when they disappear: best ignored...
if only women were like that...
women are hardly feline creatures...
i like my £120 an hour *******...
if asked to go on a date i'd be gagging for the whole
day... an Edward Hopper hour at the gallery...
a film... then some food...
that wasn't a date... it was a day!
i'm diesel like that... it takes me a lot of day's
worth to build up momentum...
first come first served:
stomach is to be associated
with butterflies?

nice cinema... great memories...
well...
    what's not to like...
best baked with all that's sincere and makes
life worthwhile...
however much others undermine your
neglect of ambition being
satisfied with crumbs...

life is so completely mine at this sitting
of doodle that:
well... a maxim of sorts would quite
simply... spoil it!

— The End —