(For Black History Month 1998)


i have a wish
to be profound...
   to be proud and stronger
   and carry myself like the **** poets on Def Jam
voices of Kenya and kings, emblazoned
with wisdom, respected / permanence
tanned in words of Malcolm & Martin's reign...
   to have passions of Nubian queens
   wear a crown to herald my approach
head held high
   without raising a calloused hand,
   copper polished hearts
A presence that only demands simplistic
of silences in the awe, the inspired
unchallenged in my reverence--an African / American ability
   choreography / invention
   the first to dance, when others fear to
to keep it real and say it loud
my human wishes, strong, profound, proud...
sometimes
   gentille...

i wanna be black...
like King Cobra, a hood to umbrella fright
with venom from just my stereotypical sight
   immobilize and paint caucasians whiter
   to be well endowed yet humbly
complicated,
angry but with proven reasons unrequited,
to be singled out by mere appearance
alone, a Halley Berry poster, child - dealing drugs,
   respected yet in the poetry of chains
   creative even in these multi-colored pains
from a thousand lands of strife
music is sister, artistic is brother life
become ingenious
   saxophones in the moody blues,
   athlete of hurtles, jazz / boxing fights / sang...
gold medals, worthy for full frontal
news...

do i amuse you, with these longings?
think do you - it's a cursed delight?
   but life only
   excels with each challenge: our battles
against ignorance / shame defines
the worth we're given
our lot mostly restricted, our lions tamed
perseveres - tho' weep the dust of our ancients names,
and bleeds these,
our cotton soft truths some mistakes
   and Dolby stereotypes revealed
   re-assigned
now worn like brand new:
a garden painted stronger
roots - and robes of shackles' / thorns
sharp with unlocked prejudices
   brown can do no more (for you sir)
   criminal confidences find the unmoving wave of faith
a prominent jaw-line, obelisk-lips
kiss and smack / wet with loving lengths
it is ... no hurt in these earthen eyes
   evident
   stoic, strength, serenity
mine to dance and sing my apathy instead...
about the history, i wish to dis
yes, re-avow
empty empathies before,
   experience my thousands, marching
   Melato’s at the founding fathers' doors, will show
you how to open house
these ghettos of / our violent villages / of tar & soot
shadow our poor ever the more
our stars shine on
   broadway be our stage / Stomps / in the heart, hopes,
   styles rap / songs to battle racial profiles
racial cops in devil blue,
beating brothas, home video tell our news,
while our rich forget the rest
******* **** in their cribs
re-pimped, yes, ******* new money & *****
   of course, they are the talented ...
   almost gods on Apollo / knock on wood...
the music is still
the song still is
the foot is stampeding
the noise will be loud,

i will be proud
i will be profound
   in this time of redefinition,
i will be strong
(i wanna be black) like Etta James
at last...

The feelings come
From roots so deep
The déjà vu
The slow repeat
Of thoughts so strong
They immobilize
Blur the vision
And paralyze
All actions, joy
And zest for life
Swirls of panic
Cut like a knife
Need to breathe
And think again
Calm the heart
Observe it when
The dark clouds stir
The tempests rage
As you struggle in vain
To turn the page
Observe the emotions
Do not judge
And from unconscious
Realms you’ll nudge
The thoughts that
Got you to this point -
All stressed out
And out of joint

Age old forests compressed
To thick primeval ooze
Interred between layers
Of sediments fused
By time and tonnage
To hard papa rock
Concealing CRUDE OILS’
Subterranean shock.

Shocking in value
Escalating with time,
Shocking in politics
Which equates to a crime,
Implications shocking
When you stop to see
That resource limitations
Have diminished quickly.

Consider the clout
When a fast world of cars
Without hydrocarbons
Would seize up like stars,
Stars, in the sense
Of their immovable grace,
For a fuel less planet
Would IMMOBILIZE this place.

Abrupt immobility
To bring chaos and mess
And the utter lost beauty
Of a girl in a dress,
And the time and space
To smell a good rose
Instead brittle chaos
Malevolently  posed.
Bleak desolation
Of the world we hold dear
And a massive regression
To impoverished fear.

Marshalg
Looking thru the hour glass
4 July 2011
**Only way to deliver this poem is SLAM and with vehemence!!

trepidation.
walk on eggshells. Don't make the wrong move. words are more powerful than you know. vanquished by them, yet again. Woulds never heal when written by a blade of sound.
walk away.
hopeless, forlorn. dejected and rejected. failure cuts a knife so deep. why. Never should make a person feel, this way. rejected. a state of being denied, shunned, dropped, jilted or abandoned. Drop-kicked is more accurate. through thoughts and feelings and walls of un-intention. Unintentional doesn't mean, unafflicting. It's not unconditional.
Up, down, turn around. Hide and seek, but words will always find you. Ominous. Noxious. Apocalyptic. Impending and inauspicious, never pending doom. Don't drown. words surround. Overpower and oppress, get in touch with loneliness. Inescapable. Better to surrender. words.
Immobilize. Can't even hear. Things being said, here. take out. shut off. take over. can't control. it's overtaking. seize power. let go. it'll never stop. Beaten. Buried. Conquered. No respite here. Weariness, none do care. Defeated, run-over. a dump truck of cruelty crushing, running over your heart. The soul is next. **** the heart, now defeat the senses. can't, survive. stressed and, suppressed.
The power of a consonant hath never been matched.
Rip apart, tear down from the start. People don't matter when reduced to mere words and petty emotion. Remove humanity. Steal personality. Nothing matters. Anymore. Disheartened and, Decomposed. Striped bare. unaware. doesn't matter, anymore.
forebodingly frightful. frustrating, feeble, failing, falling, faintheartedly framed. Fuddled. Flustered. No solution to this mess. no respite from such unbearable distress. The fright won't subside.
What a great terror, to be left outside. Alone. In the dark. words. tear, destroy. Shut out in the cold, still scared and alone. Abandoned and deserted. Desolate in a land of cruel misintentions. Uneager comprehensions.
Falling, no stopping. Fear suffocating any chance for hope. Fall.

To bend, to twist and warp your mind into something you can not define. That is their purpose, they want to blind those that can see. To see the truth behind the lies, to read the word that shows the light, is the very thing they wan us disbelievers to feed on to others. To feed onto me, they want to show the very truth we want to see.

Not the truth that is meant to be. Our minds have melted into nothing but mush and gush that can never be rebuilt, or saved from the very thing we fear to this day.

Insanity.

They want to immobilize us, control us for they know we are all weak human beings. With envy and lust, this is how they take hold of us. Using this to our disadvantage. Telling us we are nothing, yet we know everything. That they are instilling and drilling into our brains. they are scared and fear, that we will rise and fight and start a new revolution.

Inside the room,
That surrounded by the gloom,
I find myself exposed,
Covered by duvet with my eyes closed,
Looking for some comfort,
That I, myself hard to resort.

Every time I stand in front of the crowd,
My mind succumbed by familiar tremors and doubt,
Eyes that full of judgment, I want out,
Heart pounding fast and a mental block,
I anticipate the time would stop.

Anxiety, the word that I always felt,
Even I cannot dealt,
Uncomfortable to socialize,
It suppresses me to vocalize,
It makes me immobilize,
Then I recognized,
Social Anxiety, I realized.

Having a Social Anxiety feels like you are in a box,
Trapped by oneself, tightly sealed, and locked.
Unable to free myself because it makes me terrified,
Lack of confidence, courage, I clarified.

Think about the people inside the box,
Carrying the feelings that there is no way out,
Sooner or later they will build a wall as a blocked,
that surrounded by nothing but the dark,
make themselves isolated, separated, and locked.

I finally realize what is with the box,
It is some façade formed as a rock,
excluding them from connection,
As the box designed as protection,
That the people inside it thinks there is no direction,
But I believe we can use it to make you a better person.

Social Anxiety prevents you from being who you are,
A person who should shine so bright like a star,
So dear, do not be shy,
I know someday you will soar high and fly,
With the dreams of yours held up high,
Standing in front of the ear-splitting crowd,
Saying the word “I overcome it!”, as you shout,
“I am anxiety free!” with pride.

Always remember that you are loved,
Maybe not by everyone but the people that you surround,
you are a diamond that certain people found,
the successful end game is bound.

People with no experience of anxiety,
Can say that it just a minor issue entirely,
But no one realized that it is the society,
Society is the reason why there is anxiety,
On the contrary, if people start to have empathy,
Maybe there is a future in society.

Having social anxiety is not easy,
it makes you feel queasy,
it *****,
people who have it mostly to be vulnerable as ****,
so, if you know some people who have experienced it,
Please help them conquer it.

Let’s defy these scientific rules for a minute
And immobilize this systematic reality.
Lets make our own personal route
Towards a surreal land, just like fantasy

A place where i could stretch my arm and grab a star
A place where you could sit by my side, holding a jar.

Where we could put them in jar and keep it under the moon.
Then listen to their sweet, soothing and mellow tune.

Where we could make anything from their glowing dust.
Or use them to fullfil our wishes, if we must.

A place where we could be together for *****.
Only if we could defy scientific rules for once.

The crescendo of my muse
Strikes swiftly on heavy eyelids
Vibrating the hypnotic frequency
I transmute into reality

Humming machines scream out
Calling me from an aquatic slumber
Preserved from a dying world
To become prisoner in a land of dreams

Delusions immobilize my captive body
Force feeding lies, an unwilling glutton
Heretics of day become prophets of night-
Mares, praying to awake the awoken

Nothing worth reporting besides the usual
Importance of ignoring negligent thoughts
That seek to destroy me,
Harboring inside me,
A caged bird with a broken wing.
Hope calls out in many ways,
Still your surroundings to hear its bays.
Quiet. Listen.
It’s seeking you in earnest,
Its mysterious hands fiddling with
The lock of your entrapment.
Soon, you will have the strength
To pursue all of your dreams.
But right now, you’re too consumed
By the hopelessness of your confinement.
The bars disappear when you look at them
A certain way. Illusory, these posts, these chains.
Break free, some sympathy may come your way,
And unleash you, teach you how to fly with your handicaps.
Don’t look back, once you’re released -
Fly over the valleys and the rivers, wherever you please.
Fly brave, fly free.
Continue to seek
All that seems out of your reach.
Bathe in the waterfalls of your fortune.
It’s yours, after all.
You have this as your guiding motion.
Snap back to your present situation.
You see the cage, you feel your stuntedness,
Your loss from grace,
From freedom, the chase,
You so earnestly thought you’d finally taste.
One day, it’s yours.
Just hold on to hope, on to your scope,
The sights and the breeze under your wings,
It’s all yours, always has been, always will,
And still, I know it stings.
Listen to the way the ocean sings,
Once you make it there, I know you will,
But for now, let the ink spill and spell
Your own misfortune, your own destruction,
Slowly deteriorating any sense of fruition.
I know you want to give up on these ghosts,
But they are yours to catch with a gilded net,
So let them go, if you choose, but remember
You’ll have to live with regret that you never pursued
Beyond the bars that immobilize you, like roots.
You were meant to travel and traverse,
The universe will push you towards your path.
Do not listen to those who jeer and laugh.
You know your purpose. Listen, it’s there.
What your inner voice guides is your truth to bear.

Ideas and communication:
Both of those energize you.
Whatever stifles your self-expression
Can dangerously immobilize you.

For you there's always something new
And interesting to be explored.
Two of your biggest fears are
Both routine and being bored.

Your raison d'être could be
Your intellectual curiosity.
You could, on the other hand,
Exhibit an uncontrolled verbosity.

You devour information.
At multi-tasking you're number one.
But if you go too far, you'll be
A jack-of-all-trades but master of none.

Projects, errands, and meetings keep you
Occupied and on the go.
"Variety is the spice of life!"
Is stamped on your portfolio.

Wanting to know everything
About all others can be a plus;
But when other people want to know
All about you, don't make a fuss.

You're extremely adaptable
To changing ideas and situations.
When others can't keep up with you…
Well, that causes complications.

Slow down and keep in mind
That not everyone shares your ability
To store so much information
And thrive on natural versatility.

A constant need for a change of scene--
To which you hold strict adherence--
Keeps you moving. Just be sure
To cultivate perseverance.

Because of your mental dexterity,
It's easy for you to jump through hoops.
Because you're good at networking,
You are comfortable working with groups.

You often know what others are thinking,
And if you're more the extrovert,
At sales you are dynamite,
For you could sell a guy his own shirt.

If your focus is too much on
Mental stimulation, beware:
Others will think you're superficial--
That you are distant and do not care.

Always full of energy,
You're the social butterfly.
You still need time to yourself;
"Freedom!" is your battle cry.

Don't take on too many tasks
So that you leave them all unfinished.
Restlessness and nervousness
Can make you feel drained and diminished.

If you learn how to concentrate
On one thing at a time, you'll find
It's not that hard and helps you center
What could be a distracted mind.

Balancing the mind and feelings:
That's the biggest challenge you face.
Use your insight, wit, and charm
To make the world a better place.

-by Bob B (5-20-17)

Is this love then, this red material
Issuing from the steele needle that flies so blindingly?
It will make little dresses and coats,
It will cover a dynasty.
-Sylvia Plath, “An Appearance”*


Is this love
The crashing waves of scattered memories
That laughs and giggles along with my schoolgirl silliness
Only to be choked by reality?

Is this love
When every minute smells of you
Even as I try to immobilize my senses
My heart flutters helplessly like a caged butterfly,
That is wingless and beautiful?

Is this love
The aftertaste of bitterness
That lives on the edges of unpleasant dreams
When I couldn’t feel the way I used to feel?

So is this love then
A tapestry of escapism only our feelings can weave?

Shalini Nayar
© 2002

There were things we could not find the words for. A mastery of leaning into. Though I cannot say I didn’t try, didn’t try to immobilize, though the dusk always called for it, in its one’s and two’s. It is always ******* of sunlight, always ******* of cornflower blue. At the moment, it is eating off the shores of Northern and Southerly. At the moment it is slick in regret, in paradigm of what was and wasn’t said. Tomorrow it will eat off the coast of tempestuous Eros. It will churn in spoil. The weather will be asking for injury by this rose hour that makes your face glow now, regrettably and earnestly. Wanton will be swimming in the shallows, coated in oil and gloating in the fat of Mercury. The seals will be loose jawed and whorish tonight and prime their grey bodies amongst the sand. It was true, you know, how we would embed it. In the coffee we would see our past lovers. Too much cream, this time. Too much silt, the other. The adjustment of bathroom soap collected a solicit slough of how permissible became habitual. Now yellow, now how obtuse you are, placing the teapot this way, not that. This time the ocean will become other and it will forget. It is migrating deeper now, to the other blue. Feasts are off course, elsewise the ocean flacks and mist creates you. You now, always blissfully aware. Always pardoning yourself as the sunset flocks off in orange claps towards dawn black horizon. She is not there. She has never been there. By morning you will be bones and it will have feasted on forgotten.

your lies
they wow and terrify

your lies
bring tears to my blue eyes

your lies
I've learned to recognize

your lies
April's, May's, June's, then July's

your lies
boy, they immobilize

your lies
are no longer a surprise

I'm done trying to compromise
Just leave me, now.
And take your lies.

the vines began to creep up
we didn’t know when they first started growing
little green buds buried deep below
I tamped them down with my feet
like weeds, they'd regrow stronger
they tied themselves around my ankles
robust enough to immobilize
converting my legs into a mess of thorns and trunks
my body paralyzed at the centre
the branches took the longest to grow
when the first one shot through
I thought I'd be upset, but felt only relief
the black flecks of my eyes became the dead of winter
not a single leaf could ever grow on these limbs
but as the roots thickened, I began to forget
what it felt like to ever walk or speak or love
I knew thirst and hunger, the need to grow
taking no comfort in feeling rooted
but not remembering how to move, either
drowned in my own thicket
I needed to be felled to bud anew

To me rejection is like an infection.

I know other opportunities exist
But the feeling of rejection sticks to me like a cyst

I remind myself that there's more out there
That this isn't an attack on me, or signs they don't care

Don't itch a mosquito bite, you'll make it worse
A scab will form, the pain makes you curse

"I'm not good enough" is my bite,
and rejection is the itch that I can't control.

So I sit with these feelings
After elevating my hopes
Sad, depressive thoughts
Immobilize me like ropes

"Be more resilient"
"This shouldn't affect you this much"

These things ring some truth,
but helpful they are not.

I live with intensity, my brain always on
Thinking numerous things, more than humming a song

When excited I'm ecstatic, but when sad I'm more blue
My biology I can't change, coping is all I can do.

So how does one weather crippling rejection?

Believe in yourself, there's still more to do
Keep yourself busy until the storm passes through
Don't beat yourself up for feeling unreasonably blue
Boost yourself up in ways that suit you

Dec.29.2019

Up and down and up again,
my stable position changes at the drop of a pen.
I have not an idea of where I am going,
and I am quickly forgetting where I've been.
My bike keeps ruggedly flowing
over stumps and bumps
and branches and roots.

Up hills far to steep to ride,
down some that could make me scream,
sacrificing my little pride.

reaching escape velocity,
I shoot out of my comfort zone,
like a shuttle breaks into orbit,
I am the opposite of smooth...

Bumping over rocks and branches,
fast enough to immobilize me.
But I ride, petrified but not rigid,
over these rugged trails.

My knuckles wrap around my handlebars,
turning a ghoulish pearly white,
but it was a hidden by my ebony gloves.

I might as well be twisted,
but I wholly believe
that the fun part
was my stone cold fear.

My mother said it’s supposed to be simple addition
That you’ll know when you know
I always thought that knowledge was excluded
to those whose hearts didn’t bleed red but pumped pure iron steel
Hardened and cooled only to be softened
By the render’s smile
Whose heartbreak didn’t leave ink stains on their fingers
Lovers aren’t meant for those experiences
They are only meant to paint the picture
Present the words to the wordless
Immobilize the sensation
We all know it isn’t something to be seen
It’s something to be known
At first I believed the fulling was never for me
Only broken words and lies whispered between smiles
That’s what lovers are supposed to get

Writing about the unspeakable
Only gives way to the darkening
And creates demons seeking to consume
it’s beauty
Never had I known
The truth of knowing
Until he came into view with the sunset
And I knew
And even when I first looked in his eyes
I denied it
I’m already in love- this is how it’s supposed to feel. It’s supposed to hurt.
But it was always a question
Pushed far back behind thoughts I needed to be pressing
The knowing.
It was fear. But it was also confidence.


I’ve been afraid to write about my loves
For fear that the heavy words from my inky pen darken the path we take
But now I love a poet
And he is light

All I seek Is to give you
More words for your poems
But your poems are meant to reveal
The heaviness you carry
The burdens of others
And the complexities of life
I don’t want to show you those words
I seek
to show
That your best work isn’t when you’re falling in love
Or falling apart
Your best work
Is when you feel
I’ve learned with you
That there’s more to life than living
There’s also giving
And that your smile can repair
Even the most dismantled pieces
I’ve discovered
after all this time  
that you are my favorite song
And that love doesn’t hurt
When it comes from the right hands

I’m scared
If I’ll be too much for you
If you’ll turn away from me
If you don’t see
What I see
Am I playing myself?