Happy Fckn Birthday Boy

It’s my Birthday,
the Moon is full,
I’m all alone,
somewhere in Thailand,

what am I doing,
how has my Life come to this,
most people think I have it good,
and I do but I’m still depressed,

I suppose the definition of success depends on perspective,

headed in an unknown direction without any directive,

plus I’m a ship minus a captain and a sentence without a subject,

what’s left,

right here where I lie,
or rather lay,
because I would never lie to you,
at least not in this way,

it’s my Birthday,
the Moon is full,
I’m all alone,
somewhere in Thailand,

wondering what there is left to celebrate,
I was already made an internationally known writer months ago,
that Moment has passed,
now I’m here trying to keep it together all alone,

it's my Birthday but I'm not present,
it's my Birthday but there are no presents,
it's my Birthday so I'll cry if I want to,
it's my Birthday "Happy Fckn Birthday", yeah what the fck is it to you,

a hundred people have messaged me,
wishing me a “Happy Birthday”,
and the only thing I want to reply with,
is “Could you be any more generic and cliche?”

Come on,
is that what our friendship is worth,
10 seconds out of your day,
and a few over used words,

I mean really,
I’m a poet and anyone that knows me or of me knows this,
so why when they write me,
wouldn’t they at least try to be at least a little more creative,

Jesus,

I feel so alone,

I go out and meet people,
but they are usually so uninspiring,
all they want to do is drink poisons and talk about nonsense,
& all I want to do is ask them how their pointless lives are applicable to me at all,


alcohol and cigarettes,
*** that’s just promiscuous,

doesn’t anyone make love anymore?

No not here,
this is not a place for connection,
this is a place for superficial feelings,
and unruly heathens with no direction,

I suppose the definition of success depends on perspective,

headed in an unknown direction without any directive,

plus I’m a ship minus a captain and a sentence without a subject,

what’s left,

right here where I lie,
or rather lay,
because I would never lie to you,
at least not in this way,

it’s my Birthday,
the Moon is full,
I’m all alone,
somewhere in Thailand,

brought my parents together for the first time in my life,
observed them over the table at dinner they acted as awkward as I,
I wanted to tell them I am their only Son and I love them,
but I said nothing I just sat there and watched them passively fight,

no birthday candles to light,
no wish to make when I close my eyes,
no party no dancing,
just me alone under the full Moon's light,

but if I had a wish it would be this,

I wish I knew a way to heal us all,
I wish I knew a way to give everyone the love they need,
I wish I knew a way to tell you it all,
I wish I knew a way to make us new and free from our own insecurities,

met a girl tonight,
she said she was an alcoholic,
said she met a guy with Aspergers,
and that they went out together and she blacked out,

she said she liked the guy she met,
but she wasn't sure because of his condition,
I told her we're all a bit crazy in our own way,
and she shouldn't let a bit of crazy affect her decisions,

then I left her how I'd found her,
I was bored and it was time for me to go,
because I found her like I find most people,
which is totally uninspiring I told you before,

all they want to do is drink poisons and talk about nonsense,
& all I want to do is ask them how their pointless lives are applicable to me at all,

alcohol and cigarettes,
*** that’s just promiscuous,

doesn’t anyone make love anymore?

Anyways,

it’s my Birthday,
the Moon is full,
I’m all alone,
somewhere in Thailand...

October 15th, 2016

∆ Aaron LA Lux ∆

Rational choice is up*
to*
existential
tingling
emotional chaos;

Assumptions
made upon
old
patterns
droning
the titilating
madam's
major day --
on general.

Aspergers Exclusive
Beautiful Mind

This happiness whispers
From the shadows
Just outta reach, that success you reach for
The work and effort, sweat and pain you put into
Whatever it is you be doing
At the time when you so close
To the finish line
And somebody stops you
Blocks you
Defeats you
And there's a parade in your name
But not to say that you tried
But to put you to shame
Because it wasn't enough and
You thought you were tough before
But how can you stay strong when your friends leave
And slam the door?
Locking you in with the hatred within
And even in your mind you see the Devils' grin
Telling you that failure isn't an option
It's a sin
That you weren't able to do something
Something easy or maybe something hard
You try to push on but all you hear is
"******"
And they keep pushing
Pushing you when all you need is help
They make you squeal and yelp
Crying
"******* I'm a fck-up
All this time I've been lying"

"I wasn't strong,
I was weak and I was wrong
Thinking I could get my head into a place
Where I don't belong"
And in honour of those
Who try to compose
Themselves
When there never really was nobody else
To help
I wrote a song
And hopefully you can hear the feeling when you sing along

Because you know it's wrong
And you've known all along
Why can't we help each other and get along?
Why must we hate somebody
When we have nobody
To love
And hatred is driving you
Providing you
With strength
But not the strength to say
"That's enough?"

I see guys eyeing each other off
Flexing muscles and spitting just to prove they tough
Glaring down at you
Follow you
Just to make sure the intimidation game is
Affecting you
So what is there to do?
I mean, when you got nothing to lose?
Nobody by your side that you fear getting bruised?
Do you cruise?
Walk on by?
Or let fly?
"I'm sick of this sht man
Give up before I end this
Tonight!"

Do you stand for strength?
Do you stand for justice?
Do you stand up for the weak,
the incapable, sick and the helpless?
Or do you just ignore it?
Not wanting to be the next target?
Knowing if you mess with them
You won't get away with it?
Is it worth it?
Are they worth the risk?
Is it fair to watch someone else get dissed?
And ****** on?
The real rain on the parade?
Is it fair to stand by
Back turned,
Watch the light fade?

No
No it isn't
So don't you dare tell me you tried
Because you stood there when I was dissed on
You hid yourself away
When I needed someone to trust
But instead of being a hero
You watched as I got fcked!
Asked if I was okay when all I had was bruises
And bruisers bruising me
Mocking me
For my Aspergers and divided family!

So don't you dare turn to me
Just keep walking
And I'll walk the other way
If you even try to start talking
I don't need to hear your story
I don't need to hear your lies
I've heard it all before
So you can't begin to deny
Me
By saying you was waiting
Bullsht
You wanted them to end me
So don't try to sway me with your mockery
Called Sympathy

Happiness
Whispers from the dark
And like the light during Winter
Fades fast as I stare across the park

This isn't a new story;
In fact it's quite old
I may have mentioned it before
But now this story must be told

All through my Primary years
All I had was sweat and tears
I had no friends and too many fears
I couldn't even trust my peers

I kept my secrets hidden deep;
They began to devour me
I tried to talk to somebody,
Please oh please, anybody!

I had begun to play yard games with kids
Who weren't really my friends
They used and abused me every day
Until I felt like it was the end

I blurted it out to them
"Stop this, I can't take it!
I have Aspergers, *******,
Do you know how I deal with it?"

They didn't know how I did it
They were absolutely speechless
Now I regret saying it
Till then it was only known by teachers

My simple reply
To the question I posed them
"I don't"
And a new level of bullying began

Now "******" actually meant something
"*******" was introduced
I regret ever opening my mouth
And helping these new taunts be produced!

Had to move schools because we were moving house
My first term in new uniform, new school and different people
I had hoped that moving would get me friends and less enemies
But no matter where you go, it seems, people are still evil!

I had a crush on a girl that year
And she was always taken
She swapped boyfriends so fast they called her a ****
If I'm not mistaken

I wrote her letters, I was too shy to talk
And the best bit? She wrote back
I kept her letters to this very day
But I did not know she would betray!

She showed my letters to some guys
These guys who used to tease me
I only found out through a friend
When he said he'd seen the pieces

She'd scattered them at the school pond
I found a piece hidden in the grass
It dawned on me that all her beauty
Hid a ******* *******!

She knew I went down to the pond
I ******* SAID SO, IN MY LETTERS!
She didn't feel guilty then
I thought that she was better!

That friend who told me, by the way
I made halfway through the year
He is and was an absolute legend,
Is my friend Pal Tear

Moving on to Year 8
New Year, New Me, right?
******* hell it wasn't
First term, and already in a fight!

Betrayed again by someone who
I had the trust to call a friend
Trusting others is one of my flaws
So I get stabbed again and again

Year 9 comes around
People look but do not speak
There is no reason to diss me
I'm no longer shy, submissive and weak

Instead they **** my anger
As I found out in Year 10
Thought the torture was over
That it wouldn't happen again!

Food scraps thrown at me
Names called from afar
I pretend I just don't care
But it's all a great big façade

I started to ponder
The sharpness of blades
And how easy it would be to cut myself
And try and replace the pain

For a pain I could tolerate
That in good time I would love
The blade would be my bestest friend
When I'd had enough

And so it came to be
For I got set in bad ways
These old habits die rather slowly
I've been trying, for so many days

I made a promise to a girl
A girl I loved, now all is neutral
That I would try not to cut
That a blade is, by far, more than that kind of useful

I'm still trying to stop
To this very day
But although I do it very little
I still get by with my wicked ways

I was once told my life was too easy
That I never ever had it hard
That all my life all I had was the best
To say otherwise meant I was a ******

I rounded on that person,
Told them that they clearly didn't know me
And that it disappoints me
To know they know not the full story

My father was in the army for most of my life
Ever since I was a kid I'd walk onto the back porch
See him doing push-ups no matter the weather
Then I'd walk out again and he'd be gone

Teased at school for stupid things
Getting angry, sad and sorrowful
Woe is me, woe is me,
******* all I'm so **** angry

Diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of eight
Repetition and confusion lead me on to where I am today
Changed me, made me the man who's gonna pay
The man I hate, but it's too late, my chance is gone, flown away!

I cut myself up like I had the right
To lay down, give up and rest in my coffin and die
I felt bad about the world, angry and hurt
I did what I did because I thought I deserved!

With a mind like mine so ****** up inside
I screamed up at the stars and with these tears I cried
Watering the ground, at least I done something good
With this soul full of sins and hiding in a black hood

Here to reap, yeah it's reaping time
Murderous thoughts and a mind ready to commit crime
To **** a *****, make him suffer, make him feel my pain
Leave him in a ditch, throw away my weapons and get away

Wipe the blood off my blade
Look around and burn down what I made
Created
Without knowing how to create

That one kid, stacking blocks in the corner
Thinking he's a builder, superior in every way
Then one day
He smashes it all up because his anger never fades
It stays

So yeah I got something to say
Open and close case face facts and admit
That my entire life, I've been wading through a pile of ****
So don't you dare ever tell me I haven't had it hard
Quote and quote
Think otherwise and that makes you a ******

It works unless you have someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries but expects you to respect theirs.

Sometimes... it’s a crazy control freak setting the boundary’s. Just sayin. Life isn’t a cookie cutter plan!

Try that on an Oppositional Defiant child with Aspergers. It's not always a cut & dry situation. Sometimes negotiation needs to come into play.

Boundaries and limitations keep us from unhealthy company. So important for mental health. I've learned that there is an investigative piece that needs to come along side the boundary.  If the behavior is new it is often in response to something.  Set the boundary, and find out what that something is.

And teach your previous children and teenagers need keep boundary from social media and need out to include sports , Cubs , church , homeschool and family actives are very important to protect your children and teenagers

When their needs always come before yours, they always loved themselves, never you

Fight or flight-
That’s what they say, right?
Say what you like
While the skin is pale
Throughout the day and night
Like a fresh clean sheet -
Crispy and white
Yes, you have guessed-
Anxiety and stress,
Adhd and my Aspergers
Smothers me tightly
Never gently or lightly
I hear the wind
In the leaves
As darkness
Covers my eyes
The most caressing breeze
Takes me down to the floor
Straight to my knees