How could you be so evil?
For there is no other way to describe
Your whole sense of being,
You are rotten inside.

Disgusting and disgraceful,
How can you be so cruel?
I hate you, everything about you,
Just like when you were at school.

There are no words to express
The evil you have inside,
The pain you are inflicting,
You’ve even caused suicide.

How can you do this?
To a society stretched at the seams?
You are a waste of time and money
And your dreams – are they really dreams?

How can you be trusted?
For you are diagnosed a liar;
You are not welcome in society
Nobody welcomes a liar.

What if none of it happened?
What if it wasn't true?
What if you made up the ****?
The only criminal here is you.

You have hurt so many people,
Your family and so many more,
You deserve all the punishment given
For your actions they simply deplore

What if the nightmares aren't real?
The fear and panic all fake?
What if none of it happened?
How much of a mess could you make?

You are a disgusting creature,
I hate, I despise, I deplore;
It is categorically impossible
To forget or try to ignore.

You are a black mark on society,
You do not belong in this world,
You don't deserve any friends,
You deserve no place in this world.

Where do your memories come from?
Why do you invent ones not real?
Do you not have any empathy
For how people really feel?

You are hated by all and everyone,
Yourself included if not more;
Nobody wants to know you,
You stay right behind that door.

Don't you dare show your face,
For you are not welcome;
Stay away from everyone,
You will only do them more harm.

You have a sick mind, how could you?
How could you cause so much distress?
Your spitefulness has shown no limits,
And you couldn't care any less.

You are a diagnosed a liar,
A deceitful, sadistic disgrace,
Nobody is ever going to believe you,
Such liars should not show their face.

There is no help for evil like you,
Services are there to help others;
Not to be wasted and drained and abused,
And how can you keep blaming your mother?

They do not have time for your fake memories,
Your fake life events and horrors;
There are people dying every single day
Nobody cares of your night terrors.

You need to sit in a hole and stay there,
For the safety of everyone else,
Just stay there, do not come out,
For we must protect everyone else.

Nobody is here to beat you,
So you must do it yourself,
Keep cutting and bleeding and bleeding,
Cut deeper to forget yourself.

Watch the blood as it runs
Keep cutting, don't let it stop,
This blade will pierce your evil soul,
Its painful, don't let it stop.

I am going to keep punishing you,
More and more and more...
This blade will pierce your body,
As you lie in a heap on the floor.

For there is no other way out,
You MUST feel this pain,
For this is for what you have done to others,
Over and over again.  

This is all you deserve,
Feel the blade pierce your skin and then bleed;
For your blood is the source of your evil,
The evil on which you make others feed.

This pain will last forever,
I will never be done with you,
I just want to keep making you hurt –
Until you know what is true.

Now cut.....

This is the question they ask me,
And one which I struggle to answer;
For it is not something I gave much thought,
And I really dont know how to answer.

It plagues me every day,
For you are still - ALL of you..."gone";
Why did I ever go back?
Had I been away for too long?

Perhaps I was being selfish,
Wanting to go back and see my Nan,
Wanting to go back to my roots,
To be on the ship while I still can.

To go back to where I felt I belonged,
I had waited ten years to go back;
And I still dont regret my return,
I dont see it as a reason for "attack".

I thought I had a family,
But it is quite clear that I do not;
For I struggle to find any answers
For this place that time forgot.

So it was a big mistake
To once again return,
To feel the soil under my feet,
For which I had so long yearned.

To climb High Knoll,
Looking out to sea;
Beyond the rugged terrain
lies nothing but sea, sea and more sea.

To climb the peaks,
Through the flax and the ferns;
Everything so green,
Being circled by the terns.

The wild windy bends,
On the road to Blue Hill;
The cloud almost consuming me -
and then everything so still.

The woods of Plantation,
And Rosemary Plain;
The sweet smell of fresh pine
Brings me back again and again.

The narrow streets of Jamestown,
Where cars and people compete;
Can take such a long time to walk,
Talking for hours with everyone you meet.

Swimming in the sea at Rupert's
Became my great escape;
With lovely friends we'd cook and swim
From early until late.

Being churned by the rough South Atlantic
Is like being in a washing machine;
When the huge waves come crashing upon you,
All you can do is hold your breath and hope...its better not to scream!

The water is warm but not gentle,
The swell can sweep you away;
As the waves pound rocks at your body,
You might be tempted to pray.

We swam and ate plo,
We swam and ate cake;
Fish freshly caught
Then from fire and onto plate.

Nana's house has not changed much,
The old geysir still in place;
The bead curtains, the photos,
of just about every single face.

Cockroaches escape hastily,
And the mozzies might come in,
Yet the peace and tranquility of this place
...with its "acoustics" of tin...

For the tin roof has a lot to offer
Especially for a musician;
The flute can be heard from afar,
Penetrating the silence within.

The rain drops make music too,
As they fall upon this roof of tin;
Every other sound may well be drowned out
And the lights sometimes go dim.

But to look from Nana's house,
To the peaks, the Gumwoods, the Fort;
Across to Francis Plain, the School,
And the sea in the distance of course.

Flagstaff sits prominently,
The sun setting on its flanks;
All can be seen from this house,
Built on these precarious banks.

I said goodbye to my nana
I did not know she was going to die;
She was staying in the nursing home,
I visited each time I passed by.

The house then felt more empty,
Even though she had to move out;
Suddenly it became so empty -
Everyone now has moved out.

It was also a place of torture,
And I am not proud at all of my mark;
I left this house with a darkness,
From which it will never depart.

I left the Island with darkness,
As it came time for me to depart;
The people, community shattered,
I still love it with all my heart.

I then felt I could help others,
After learning from those I could confide;
Since my once close knit family
Had pushed me to the side.

We thought we could bring justice,
For many victims of this fate;
But then as we drew so close..
...all of a sudden - it was too late.

Now we are cursed even more,
For our actions have caused such shame;
Yet he was the one who abused us -
He was the one to blame.

So I say goodbye as thats all I can do,
Tears flowing as I write this;
For I know with most certainty...
that I shall never return...and how I miss...

I miss you St Helena,
I tried to help you too;
But as closed minded as you are,
I am just more sad - there is nothing I can do.

Without the support of anyone,
Due to "fear of speaking out",
My own voice falls on deaf ears,
Even when I shout.

Now I must live with this damage,
And shame, and blame, and guilt;
Sometimes I still know not what is true,
Because as women - of course, its "our fault".

You are drifting away St Helena,
Our people - they have but gone;
I miss you, our jewel of the ocean,
Thinking back to the days when I was "still one".

I was still one of you till  last year,
How so much can change in that time;
But now our bond is forever broken,
Its broken...because of this crime.  

....and yes....it was a crime.

"I Wish I Was A Fridge"

I trust no one,
But I agree to see you;
You come every six weeks,
To see anything new.

I hardly know you,
I saw you last year;
I've seen others since then,
I know im difficult - thats clear.

But you came back again,
because there's no one else,
I have to trust you again,
When I dont trust myself.

But should I really trust you?
Or are you the same?
I hadnt seen you for so long
..i'd forgotten your name.

You ask me to explain,
And I try my best,
To explain whats in my head,
All the confusion and the rest.

I tell you everything,
With paper and pen;
Absolutely everything,
over and over again.

Then you say you cant help me,
So I feel even worse,
You say you are not a therapist,
I should have remembered that first.

All you care about
is whats in my fridge;
You go into my kitchen,
and check out my fridge.

Well the fridge is fine,
It might not be full,
But it has milk and leftovers,
...I wish it had wine too!!

You come here and visit,
And then I feel worse;
For I trusted you with things,
I should have thought again first.

For you cannot help me,
Why do you come?
My fridge is always quite happy,
My fridge is having great fun.

It has no nervous system,
No brain, no spinal cord;
Its incapable of "feeling"
Or trusting in the Lord.

You come all this way,
To look at my fridge,
You come here from Lamlash,
And check out my fridge.

I am clearly a failure,
As its always the same;
The fridge is just fine,
The pain is in my brain.

I wont see you again
for quite a while;
But I cannot promise
to put on a smile.

But my fridge will be fine,
I can promise you that;
If only I was a fridge...
...does anyone else feel like that?!

I shall get out some pens,
And draw a big smiley face;
Stick it on my fridge,
Just for you and your "fridge case".

I wish I was a fridge too, could put in and take out what I choose;
But im not an inanimate object - im a human being,
And I do often wonder....what got me into this state ...in the beginning.

All the best...with love...from the fridge :/ x

"I Have No Sympathy"

Some of us want to escape,
To escape the constant pain;
Others...they do not...
They escape to avoid the blame.

I have read these things,
For I must know;
But as for having sympathy -
That is well and truly "no".

You did this to escape
The blame and shame you deserved;
You broke your family and us,
For we never got what we deserved.

You knew full well the fate you would meet
and instead of facing us -
You put a rope around your neck
....and jumped off a seat.

Your family deserve sympathy of course,
but you showed zero remorse,
You did this to them,
And you did this to us.

Some will continue to blame us
For your premature death;
But you are the one who took your life -
leaving us not "fixed" but with more strife.

If I am evil then so be it,
I have no sympathy, not even a bit;
So evil we may be seen,
You left us with more ****.

You knew full well
that justice would have been ours;
You knew full well,
that this had gone way too far.

Nobody knows how many you harmed
but with your death you did so much more;
You escaped justice,....
....selfish to the core.

None of us are stupid,
yet we deal with ignorance;
A victim blaming culture
with no common sense.

You are dead and gone,
You've no need to worry;
But your victims left behind
- we wont forget in a hurry.

You knew you were guilty,
You know you have no choice;
So you left us to deal with
the mess you had caused.

I have many emotions,
but sympathy for you is not one;
We live with it daily....
....but as for you...you're gone.

"Suicide is not a sign of weakness"
so we hear people say;
Well I and others beg to differ -
you were too weak to let us have our say.

I have no sympathy,
and yes that may make me cruel.
But you hung yourself for a REASON,
And NONE of us ...are fools.

"Why am I still here? "

Why am I still here,
living in constant fear,
Although its not happened again,
Nothing can ever be the same...

I dont want to live with such pain,
The exhaustion and fear is intense,
I'm in my "safe space" now...
yet today I felt "behind the fence"

I will have to leave soon,
this sanctuary cannot last forever,
I will have to return once again,
Back to the same torture

I know im not ready to leave,
my body has been telling me so,
Until now I have felt so relaxed,
But now, my body says "no"

It has trapped my mind
in a new state of panic
with the fear of leaving
Is this fear and panic

I cannot do anything with ease,
I cannot even walk down the road,
For so long this has been "normal"
Yet now my brain feels "overload"

Overloaded with panic from nowhere,
Just the fear of leaving I guess,
Back to the painful unknown,
Back where my life is a mess....

I still look at my photos
I dont know who I am,
I dont know what happened,
I dont know how I can...

The fear is unexpected,
I feel no longer human,
Only the kids I work with
help me to carry on....

The people here - they think im sick,
because of the "winter sun"
What am I supposed to tell them?
That its my brain - not the sun?

Maybe this is the end of me
the end of fear and pain,
I am not afraid of dying,
It is better than being insane.

My time is coming to an end here,
and my life most likely too;
For all that I have left is here...
Its only here....in Soweto....

A poem to my People:

"I love you all dearly,
but I know that you have gone;
I see you all here daily,
but I know that you have gone.

I don’t blame you, I understand you,
And I know that I bring shame;
But I also understand,
that I was not to blame.

I know I won’t be welcome likely
ever there again,
And although you may not believe me
I don’t want to cause you pain.

I hope for your forgiveness,
Although I did no wrong;
I hope someday you'll understand
that I did no wrong.

I have tried to make contact,
but you never spoke again;
And because you are so many,
this causes so much pain.

But I guess that you have gone now,
and forever that may be,
If he only hadn’t hung himself,
you might have believed me.

But now that I know,
that I’m not the only one,
I understand the "dark side"
more than anyone.

I understand the culture,
its different where I live;
And although I hope for change for all,
I as yet can just forgive.

I hold nothing against you,
as I said - I understand;
but I hope that in the future,
heads won’t be buried in the sand.

I rarely write poetry,
but this is all I can do;
as a way to get my thoughts across
to so many of you.

I live here in Scotland,
I don’t need to be ashamed;
here on this "Isle of Arran",
I am never blamed.

I hope that St Helena
one day will see it too;
that "there is no excuse for abuse"
no matter "who is who".

It’s sad to lose the RMS,
the most loyal Saint of all,
but she is serving us still by
opening the island to the World.

Opinions might be questioned,
from cultures far and wide,
but with that I hope you'll see
that I have nothing to hide.

Through my bad experiences
I have gained a lot as well,
I have an understanding of
all the people put through hell.

I know I’m one of many,
I know I’m not alone;
together we share this deep connection
to a place that some call "home".

I hope one day you'll forgive me,
as I forgive you,
for treating me the only way
that you knew.

The RMS is serving us,
by opening up this land;
If she stayed forever-
you might never understand.

She may be just a ship to some,
but to me she’s so much more;
She has a soul, a personality,
she had to leave our shores.

We have a lot in common,
both feeling as if "disposed of";
but I do hope we won’t end up scrapped,
and still receive some love.

I'll love you all forever,
even if I hear nothing again;
and I don’t regret my visit,
even though I "caused you pain"

You may not understand just yet,
but I hope one day you will;
and with more education,
the Island will be better still.

I stand by the others,
as they have done for me;
and I’m forever grateful
to my "extra family".

I wish you well for now,
as I’m tired and can write no more;
and I just hope that one day
Such darkness shall leave these shores.”

Take care,
love **