Thoughts roaring through my head, never stopping long enough to solve my own issues.
I watch as the remains of my sanity string through my fingertips with no chance to stop it.
I have been told all of my life, how I'm so strong , how they wish they could handle things like me , how do I do it , I'm the strongest woman they have ever seen.  And I ponder on these opinions and still wish one thing.
I wish I were standing there as they were standing here, just a glance through their eyes I would like to see, I would like to see through there eyes as they are looking at me . To be on the outside looking in would be a sight to see, maybe one day I'll see through my own eyes what their eyes see when they are looking at me.

"You're gonna get sick and weak if you don't eat."
But what if I already am?
These emotions have consumed my heart entirely.
I cannot tame this feeling,
     but I can control everything else.
Being skinny...
     bones are considered beautiful,
     food is the enemy,
     muscles are weakness,
so the fruit in my water is not to be consumed,
     but only to be tasted.
I have begun to become so numb that it has spread to my physical
     self.
Unlocking my front door this morning...
     I could see it unlock and open,
     but I did not feel it.

You call them flaws
You Say I'm sensitive, aggressive, irrational
ill favored, insecure, an introvert,
A ******.
You say I'm fragile, you say I'm not fun...

    I say I'm human.

Why are you bottling your emotions
Why act irrational
Why get lost in thought
Why deny yourself the essence
Why hold it all in

Who shamed you out of it
Who told you it's absurd
Who said it's a sign of weakness
Who said crying is wrong

It's okay to cry

Ma faiblesse
C’est important a la structure de moi.
C’est la chair à mes os...
La faille dans ma structure
c'était ma mort.

The phone rings
With great sorrow in their voice
heart slows
mind racing
"How could this be?"
the phone
slipping from my grip
Body getting weak
eyes ready to burst
like fireworks on the fourth of July
collecting oneself
to pick up the phone
and finish the conversation
I let the waterfall continue
till sleep overcame
preparing for the day to say
Goodbye

I rewind
unwind
repeat
my prayers
and restart
replay
my days again
in hopes
of a
different
movie