I sailed you out.

In my rickety boat.

To the center of my lake:
the deepest, darkest waters.

And there,
I let you dive
into my silent depths.

Sinking into the unknowns,
while I awaited your return.

When I have fears, I runaway
And hide, concealed by a mask.
When I have fears, I silently cry
Hoping that no one will ask

When I have fears, I sing a song
Letting the notes comfort me.
When I have fears, I feel young,
Weak, vulnerable, and lonely.

When I have fears, I tell myself
It's not real it's merely a dream.
When I have fears I always know
It is real, though crazy as it may seem.

When I have fears I try to fly,
Leave, abandon the pain.
When I have fears, I always remember,
That fear just means I'm sane.

I once read somewhere that if you can’t sleep at night it’s because you are awake in someone’s dreams. And every night that I lie awake because I cannot turn my brain off, that thought comes to my mind. And I know it’s weird but I start thinking about all the things I’d want to tell you if I was in your dream. I dreamt while I was awake about all the things I’m hoping for in the future. And although right now it seems so very possible, I’m scared of my own feelings at this point.

Everyone has that moment where they meet the person they spend the rest of their life dreaming with, but no one ever knows that moment until the rest of their life begins. And I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t thought about what our lives would be like together.

I’m pouring my heart out onto my notebook because I figured it’s easier than telling you in person. I’d rather live alone than with someone who doesn't understand me, and maybe that’s the reason I want to show you this. I’m a girl of too many emotions and perhaps that will die down with age but if it doesn't I want you to be able to accept me. All of me.

And I know none of this makes sense, but if you’re reading this and you still feel the same about me then I want you to know that I once read that love is when you want to share everything that makes you happy with one person.

I want you to know that at the end of every day I lay awake at night and want to tell you all about my day. I want to tell you about the jacket I found at the thrift shop, and the cool fact I learned about the human heart. I want to tell you everything. I want you to be here.

Only friendship.
You made yourself clear - clear as glass - that it could never be more.
But as I too am glass, a small shard of me broke off and shattered.
And why did it ignite my spirit to be in your presence, to be enfolded in your warmth
Why, why did it set my heart aflame, burn me with such flammable, incendiary envy
To see you lust after another, to want far beyond friendship with them
Why did that melt me
I was already committed to another, no matter if it was a dry, barren whisper of once-existing love or a forest of endless rain
It was commitment
Yet in spite of this, I continued to melt
Melting, right down to my core
Where I am just sand
Vulnerable, exposed, walked-on sand that could, at any second, be picked up by the wind and taken to another pit of uncertainty
But you
You dropped the empty attempts
And you began giving me your time
You showed me the naïveté that I am, and you took my hand and led me through a dark room
It was cold, and I was afraid
And you could not tell me that "everything would be okay"
Because this was real, unfiltered life you were motioning to before me
And though it was not a fully comfortable realisation,
The cold slowly thawed, from the outsides into my core, my sand
And as I thawed, as you too made yourself more vulnerable,
I at last began to take shape
Perhaps I have a calling
Beyond this fragile shell I consistently run back to for shelter, return to when it yearns back for my unearthed body to be protected again
But I knew better,
That when you molt from your armour,
Its purpose has been used up, and it is now just an empty shell, and it is time for that shell to be discarded.
And now, in my infantile flesh,
I trust that you can be my protector until my new shell can learn to harden
I am still unsure today if it has solidified,
Because I am focused elsewhere
Focused on you
My heart's every beat feels light at the remembrance of you
My mind's every thought a whirlwind
From the dissonance of reaching for you and being tempted to go back under the comfort of my old shell, from the knowledge that these two cannot coexist
But my soul, my soul is nearing soundness at last
Because with you here, I feel that my honest identity is at last coming to life
With you here,
Your breezes blow, but I do not fear that I will be carried away
Your shore arrives, but I do not fear that I am going to wash away
Though it was you who dared grind me down to my initial state of innocent sand,
You have sculpted me, even with the uselessness that I've felt I am
Shown me my potential
And made me a flourishing seashore.

Be naked and vulnerable,
They say,
But hide some things away,
Your liver isn’t lovely,
But your heart keeps me in awe,
I can’t,
Uncover my chest,
My brain,
And show the world the blood,
And shining blue,
And red,
And yellow,
The curves,
Without showing half-digested cheese,
And bile,
And ****,
Once in a while,
Or often,
To be naked,
Is to allow mistakes,
To offend,
And forgive yourself,
And them,
When they offend you too,
It is impossible,
To share our beauty,
Without the ugliness.
Self-esteem,
And humble pride,
Is knowing,
That you can’t find,
Anyone with more **** than you,
Or more most beautiful blood,
So,
Do you have the courage,
To be naked?

The way
I'll always remember you
Is the way you look
when sleeping
Your gentle face
with the softness of your cheek
Cupped beneath my hand
Your breathing soft and deep
So relaxed
You look much younger
Your curly hair
Featherlike against your pillow
Your body
feels warm next to mine
When your like this
I see how gentle
How vulnerable
You can really be
It helps to remind me
Of why it is
I love you

I love you more than anything and it terrifies me.
It scares me to the point that I can hardly talk about it;
hardly think about it with out feeling insane.
The way I feel about you is crazy in itself.
Beautiful yet deadly, like the ocean.
You are like a tidal wave that has swept me off my feet
continuously pulling me farther into the middle of the sea
all the while I struggle to keep my head above water and catch my breathe.
I struggle because I'm too fearful to just let go.
Scared to sink and let myself drown.
Afraid to allow myself to become overwhelmed,
be completely and utterly consumed by all that you are.
Become vulnerable.
Worried that if I were to allow myself to drown in you,
I would just end up being washed upon a different shore someday.
Cold and gasping for air
because you had left me breathless
while I was being carried by the constant, indecisive sway of your waves.

When...
The door closes,
Alone in the dark,
Lost for words,
Without a hope.
I wait for the reassurance
I am worth more than a text.

When...
Dripping down,
Water comes too fast,
Streaming from my eyes.
I am too vulnerable.

Is it sadness
                        When I feel
                                                Nothing at all?