Your eyes resembled the troubled waters at sea,
always shimmering, churning, crashing, always making me wonder if you had sky blue galaxies trapped inside of you.

And your smile always looked as if it had been carved into your face with the same instrument used to make those marks on your arms.

I found comfort in your sadness, because that was the only time you were true to yourself.

I found comfort in your freedom. I always loved seeing you live carelessly, daringly. Insubordinate to anyone who tried to stop you.

Sometimes it worried me to see you scratch your skin after you cursed about destroying everything you touched.

Sometimes it worried me to see you lose yourself among the empty bottles of alcohol.

You were burdened with a heavy heart, and like the pupils in your eyes and the emotion in your smile and the sound of your laugh, it was vacant.

And all I could say was, maybe, just maybe, if you unclenched your fists you would've found that you were holding onto nothing.

The change is clear.
It’s in my writing.
It’s in my words.

I have fought a battle.
One with a persistent battle.
One with darkness in its nature.

I made it.  
I made it out somewhat alive.
I made it out somewhat happy.

A suicidal mess.
Cleansed.
With love.

Love.
It’s the impossible.
For the darkened one’s to possess love.

I now see the sun rise.
I see it bring life to the dying.
I see it lift spirits after a rainstorm.

Love, has glued me back.
I hope it’s not temporary.
I hope this one lasts.

Settle black darling
In the crook of my ribs
Eat out my lungs

I’ll blow smoke when I wake
—Thunderclouds

Numb adj.
The textbook definition of numb is deprived of the feeling of sensation or responsiveness.
I've learned the definition of numb is when your heart drops into the abyss of your stomach and your whole body feels limp. You try to focus but your brain has gone into hibernation. Nothing feels real, everything feels as if walking through a dream. You talk to people but you aren't really there. You can look straight into someone's eyes and see absolutely nothing. My body feels like hotel with a brightly lit vacancy sign. If that is what I've learned numb is then dear God am I more numb than ever before.

I can see beating a dead horse
Is still in fashion

I spent too much time looking at old photos
losing myself in places I used to be
seeing how beautiful I never believed I was
years I wasted hating someone so pure

I want to be that girl again
the one who woke up every day, despite the pain and smiled
smiled like she ******* meant it
though some days she didn't

I can hardly stand the reflection that taunts me now
the vacant eyed empty shell of someone worth knowing
I pretend I am still her but there is bitterness in my words
I can't look at her anymore

I'm taking down the mirrors