Feel my heartache once a day.
Let the nicotine temporarily heal my broken heart.
Inhale away each bit to only light another.
You never realize how real pain is.
Pain is real when you lose your control.
You pull off mask and show the world  
what nicotine could never heal.
It could never be fully healed ever again.
Only leave a mark that will never let you forget.

I feel like last place
Where you only get a thin paper metal
I feel forgotten and unloved
I feel useless and unattractive
I feel worthless
*And I am only remembered if someone needs help on the computer at home or if someone wants to copy my class/homework at school

Why does nobody love me
Is it because I try to hard
Or run to far,
Is It because of the emotion I don't show,
Because I don't want anyone to know.
Is it because the stars in my eyes have burnt out,
Is it because I shout.
Whatever the reason is, please make it known.
Because I don't want to end up spending my life alone.

Some days...
           I just want to disappear. I want to crawl into the earth and hug the  
           ground around me like a blanket and be unseen, be swallowed up
           by mother nature.

Some days....
          I want to scream- "I am MORE."  I am more than you see. I want to
          beg someone- anyone- to see all of me, to really know me, and to
          accept me as I am- not how they'd wish me to be.

Some days...
          I want to let out the rage within me. To pound my fists against the
          pain until they are ****** and unrecognizable. I want to scream and
          cry and rage and hurt and let out the anger about what was done to
          me. I want to yell that I am no longer afraid, I will no longer hide my
          anger and turn it inward. I want to unleash the fury that lives in my
          heart, turn it against the ones who deserve it.

You crave human touch, like flowers crave the sun after a long winter, but you won't believe it when they give it you.
You expect everyone else to mean everything they say, just because you do, but God, aren't you stupid? You're single handedly handing tickets to your own doom.
You see him as summer rain, as sweet ginger tea, as fronds on the living room, you see him as home, but you and I know he barely knows who you are.
You're living the masochists ways. You're craving what you can't have. You're loving who won't love you back

So 2014 has pretty much ****** 100% since it started. It's one of those things that I silently think to myself "It can't get any worse" but then catch myself because I know that's not true. Every few weeks it seems I am being dealt another situation to deal with in addition to the extreme burden I am already carrying around.

Life is so overwhelming right now I almost cannot even think about it all at once.  I do not want to trigger myself into having a panic attack. I am doing my best to take it day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. I do not even know which way to turn anymore or how to even start to cope.

I really have tried to trust others and rely on them for help and support but…honestly…maybe I do not know how to do that? Am I picking the wrong people or is it me??? Seems like I am there for everybody else but nobody is here for me now.

New symptoms, worrying about what it all means…dealing with ****** healthcare…doctors not as concerned as I am…seriously how much blood is normal to cough up before I can get a Dr to give a ****! Going on Day 3 of feeling like I have been hit by a semi-truck. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I surrendered…