It starts with a blur
Then frightening moments of clarity
It flashes piece by piece
Then my mind changes polarity

An erratic heartbeat
Leads my consciousness away
Being frozen in terror
Leads all body movement astray

I smell things
When they aren't present now
I sense things
When I know there's nothing around

I see HIM
And then I don't
I feel HIM
And then I choke

If I ever remember it all
Maybe then, my mind will be at peace
With all the horrors out in the open
Maybe then, my body will finally get that coveted release

No one is chasing you,
But no one is looking to you.

Please love anyway.
Because if you get a say,
We will need you
To light the day.

Who are you,
When no one is around?
Who are you when they're lost?
Who were you when you're found?

Lost, lurking in the shadows,
"We won't back down,"
You grasp their thread tight,
"We can't go down without a fight."

Did anyone
Ever let you believe
That you should be
Loved unconditionally?

Your eyes reflect the sunrise,
Which leads me to surmise
That this was disguised--
That this never felt right.

Yet here you are
Standing so tall
While you bear
The weight of it all
On shoulders so brittle,
On shoulders so small.

You keep moving,
There's no way you're losing.
You'll give it your all,
You'll never stay where you fall.

You reach up towards
Every hope
You're fighting for.
You stretch yourself so far,
Just to comfort the stars.

You hold light within your palms,
If you love one
Then you have it all,
Because love without faith
Is just emotional withdrawl.

You're the hope
That has me reaching,
The love that has me preaching,
And every promise
I intend on keeping.

Because the world keeps sleeping
When support is what you're needing.
So the lights fade low,
You ask yourself
"Where did the time go?"

But don't you already know?
You have length to show,
No strength in rows.

You count the hours,
You call the crows.
So grab your shadow,
Replace your ammo.

You know what to do,
You've got something to prove.
You give it all you've got,
Because you got a lot to lose.

The night sky is blue.
Amaranthine - endless
The mosaic trail left upon my satin skin.
The tinge caressing my eyes,
Which have seen
The devil himself
And yet dare not expose the azure brutality
Enveloped in your venomous cradle.

The waves are blue.
An exhausting struggle I brave
Cyclically
Desperate to subsist
As you seek to drag me
Cascading
To the ocean floor -
Where I embrace my demise at your hands.

Blood flows blue
Yet pours red.
The colour you see each time I dare to pursue escape.
The colour you see
If I am to take too long in the bathroom.
If I am to have a quiet word with my friends
Without your contiguity
Looming like a cloud
Blue
Threatening a downpour congruent with my tears
As I beg them to liberate me
Yet say no such thing.

The lights projected from the ambulance
Pleading with traffic to manufacture a path
As I lay
Helpless.
Blue.
Broken ribs and a broken heart.
Not the first assault and victim to more than yourself
But my forgiving nature
Assures that this is not the final beating.
As my skull is glued and the morphine streams through my veins
And the boys in
Blue
Delicately ask
“Did he do this, again?”
I nod,
Though the officer shakes his head,
His pen moving freely of his hand,
He acknowledges that tonight he will return to his wife,
He will have his meal and pray that his daughter is spared.
And I will return,
To the lair of the beast.

My eyes swollen.
My body imitating scaffolding; bones and skin housing the weary soul.
My hands shake as they struggle to grasp reality.
My cheeks stained by the violent, sempiternal flow of tears.
My ribs, forbidden from healing prior to the next wave of brutality,
Stood at an angle god himself could not manufacture.
My voice weak, desperate, pleading;
Determined.
I beg no one to liberate me.
I, myself, choose to betray your corruption.
I tell my story, though it is not a tragedy.
I showcase, unforgiving - as you were,
The ‘love’ you enforced upon me.
The bloodthirsty way your soul adored mine.
The months of seemingly incalculable assault
Starvation
Emotional torture
****
The autonomy you stole from me.
I want it back.
Instead it lies, at the bottom of your cobalt ocean.
Wrecked and never to be recovered.
Even in exposing you, and hand-delivering my message to you,
That you lost.
I do not regain the life you mercilessly devoured.

Instead,
I must rebuild my own life.
Despite and in spite of you.
Though the blue I once knew was bruised and afraid.
The Sapphire I learn is of unwavering strength, kindness
And peace.
I forgive you,
Though I hope to God that you rot in a place where blue
Seems inviting.

I believe you held my attention
From the moment our eyes first met
Desiring to emulate and follow you
In your hands, my world was set

An opportunity to help me flourish
By way of your tutelage and guise
I wanted to hold the title, "Daddy's Little Helper"
And witness the pride in those eyes

Your gaze seemed more of disdain than a satisfaction
Making me yearn to keep toeing the line
Always striving to be, just perfect enough
And worthy of anyone's time

When precision becomes routine, expectations are assumed
Leaving no forgiveness for not doing what was told
I did more than my share, freeing others from their burdens
And my childhood got lost within the fold

Lessons were handed out, on both sides of a wall
Built upon fear, stubbornness, and pride
Desperate and broken, I faded away
Creating an impossible divide

As time passed by, you moved on with life
Erasing our troubled memories with something new
That was never my thing, family loyalty was innate
So I choked on but buried deep, my feelings of you

Alienation gave cause, for my contentment in being hopeless
That we would ever, share the same breath of air
But out of nowhere, your heart falls suddenly on a sleeve
Now together, we are healing and attempting to repair

Thanks, Dad...

if it was that easy to forget your past and move on , would there be any respect for all the emotions like
Love, sympathy, empathy, longing loneliness, feelings, guilt, clamoursness or anything of such.

A regreteous haunting past is the only thing makes the ever new guilding present worthy of what it is.

your past is a measure of everything that shows how good of a survivor that you are.