Our love wasn't really love, but it still hurt when I saw her.
I whisked away the pain like whisking the lumps out of cake batter.
They were still there.
Just like my love for you was.
It's silly because it's been so long but every time we talked I still felt your touch as if you were right next to me,
Like you used to be.
Just as warm as I remembered.
And I shouldn't think about the imaginary 'us' because I'm supposed to be in love with someone else but,
I just love you,
So much.
I didn't think you'd be with someone so soon.
I knew that you wouldn't wait around,
but I had this bit of hope that you'd stay, just a bit longer.
I pushed you of my head,
But, here you are again, making me remember things I shouldn't.
At least not while I'm with him.
He doesn't make me smile like you did.
Or laugh,
Or cry.
He's not you and I'm having a hard time trying not to compare him to you but it's so hard when all I can think of is you,
With her,
And her,
With you,
And the love we had,
Gone.

Do you ever just have the
biggest ******* crush on
someone ever and you just
know it wont work because
they're too old or you're
not good enough or they
and too attractive for you
so you pretty much spend
what feels like eternity
having the explainable
feeling for them until it rids
of the small bit of heart
you have left until you find
another person to have the
same ****** feeling towards.

I like this girl.
Granted, I'm not supposed to like her - I'm not even allowed to like girls, as if they think I can just avoid addressing my sexuality.
But I like her.

the whole point
is that it only hurts me.

fist connects with wall and the wall stands,
uncaring, unmarred, unaffected.
my fist though?

fist connects with wall and fist, no, i crumple up.
emotion heavy energy expels itself, i am relieved.

for an almost unnoticeable second, that is.
then i am in pain.

hot blood shoots to hot hands and hotter knuckles.
i slam them back against the wall and it stings like fire.

raging at the world, raging at myself,
but my skin is still colored like my own.
there's not enough purple, not enough red.
so i keep hitting until the burn is too much to bear.

at least i didnt hurt anyone else though.
at least i didnt hurt anything that could break.
at least i didnt hurt anything valuable.

i can take pride in that, i guess.
the whole point is that it only hurts me.

Once, you were here
holding me
and it felt as if time had stopped,  
as if we were transported to some alternate reality
where the sun and the moon
both rose and fell in perfect unison
much like our slow, weary breaths.

For a moment we thought
that nothing could wake us
from this perfect daze
but the ticking of the clock
brought us back to Earth.

So the next morning
when the moon had already gone
the sun rose alone
and so did I.

oh, what a carousel it'd be
wedding veils, red roses -
what a carousel it'd be
if i was more than your late night girl.

I live in a ****** appartment, in a "****** and dangerous" neighbourhood, in the city that stole my heart.

And guess what?
I love going to that ****** place, because that place became my home.
And it doesn't matter that I don't even have place to do a pirouette, because this city gives me so much joy and I am gratefull to be living in a place like this.

I love how people randomly smile at each other and say hi, I love how easy it is to make friends, and I'm gratefull that this city accepted me the way I am, when I had a hard time accepting myself.