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Joy Nov 2018
Which means I've hit a bottom.

I just need to tell this to someone:

I can't do it with the fatigue.

I can't. I just can't.

I'm so ******* ******* myself that if I loose my energy, I loose my grip. I'm done after that. I can't do it with the fatigue.

I'm going against the doctor's orders, but I think that's okay. I'm scared, **** it! I'm scared about a lot of things, and most of all I'm scared of depression. I'm so terrified of it. It scares me.

So tomorrow I'm going back to my 40. Back to my 40. Back to my 40.

And it'll be fine.
Cathartic. This website is just a release.
Joy Jun 2018
And I know one day,
I'll look into her eyes and say,
"I love you"
With body language, with touch,
When the way she laughs becomes too much.

Fingertips like felt rolling over
Stitched feelings of brokenness,
Diamond eyes catch the unraveling
Of confusion into wholesomeness,

I'm mended, I'm alive, and goddamit
I'm swollen with #pride
June, 2018
When I finally welcome my *** *** into some worthy recognition. Too bad it took another boy's broken heart to get here.

Now that I know love is not boring, I want to fall in love.
Joy Feb 2018
Blue and pinched, blue and finished
My great escape from warm knuckles brushing
And passioned fists clenching
Was drawn up, sketched and written,
A thousand goodbyes swarmed in my lungs.

But the watering whites welled for the first time,
Cracking your marble silence
and spilling consequences left and right.
My plan screeched, I stopped dead in my tracks.

And I thought,

Even if this ******* hurts
I oughta stay and stick this one out.
The minute someone causes an emotional reaction in me, I get terrified and afraid and don't understand it and try to trade the bond I've formed for loneliness. It's the easiest method - sure, I miss out in intimacy, but I'm okay on my own. I've done this plenty of times with no consequences.

But when I saw you begin to cry, I knew I was making a grave mistake.

I've never changed plans like this.

Maybe you're something special, maybe there's something changing in me. Maybe it's both.

Even if it hurts to stay by your side, I care about you too much to leave over my unresolved feelings.

February, 2018
Joy Dec 2017
I never realized how intimate the thrum of music is through a pair of cheap, distorted, BIC headphones. Outside of the drum, the world will peter through crooks and cracks to listen in on whatever is allowed.

That must be why I never noticed how in love I was with this song.
I never knew how to feel until it cornered me,
a wide-eyed listener,
into a vacuum of noises and floating words where just the two of us lingered,
cupped my face so passionately that I can still feel the red etchings burning on my cheek,
and warmly told me what truly felt right.
I hadn't realized that I wasnt listening before.
I think it left an imprint on my soul.


The chorus sang with thousands of tongues
like an ensemble of angels holding small flames in a dark night,
waving with same sentiment that those do at a vigil.
The beautiful clatter was louder than it had ever been before,
yet somehow,
still too quiet for someone a few feet away from me to hear.


And then I looked at you.


And the shallow noises of the world were nothing more than a dull, numb throb.
We -
in this unspoken singularness
- locked eyes for a moment.
Yours widened. I'm sure mine did too.
Goosebumps cascaded down my spine like the fierce tides of a messy waterfall.

Thousands of ideas fired through my mind of what would happen if you and I truly - really actually - had followed through and built a future together.
My synapses roared with desire.
My heart howled,
Stroking the tinder of a waning want that was now rapidly reawakening.
And I, the victim to these chemical emotions, was forced to look at something that was so right but yet, wasn't real.

And as the chorus paraded on like the pulse that was thudding violently beneath my skin, I realized that it was telling me how I really felt all along.

I love you so

It told me what I was feeling before I even knew it.

I love you so

That at the end of the night, you are the last person I want to talk to.

I love you so

That in my dreams, you always find a way to steal the performance.

I love you so

And that I actually am in love with you.

I love you so

My cynicism for what had transpired between us was suddenly nothing more than a passing yellow light, holding together the long silence between us like one holds their breath underwater.
I felt like I was the runner at the Olympics, and someone was telling me to steal the never-ending fire and run as far away as I could with it.
I really wanted to.
I still really do.

I must add, for the sake of conversation, that being alone with you feels kinda wrong.
It feels obtrusive, and it feels as though what shred of innocence it once contained has now been burned with reckless abandon.
It's what keeps me from talking with you until sunrise like before. It's something we knew would happen.
It's a little awkward.

However, it is right. This is not an opinion, it is a fact. You challenge me to grow. You change my mind everytime. I see what you're meant for. I see what you're meant to be. Us together is more right than anything else I've ever known, I'm sure of it.

But all day dreams aside,

The moment I admit that this interaction had any effect on me - that it was leaving my heart squealing in my stomach, more so - is the moment I loose face and everything that I worked for is lost. And I can't do that. I don't know where you are. I can't do that. I can't get hurt.

I love you so

I am in love with you, and I just wanted you to know.

I love you so

Please don't be the one that got away.
December, 2017

My mother has this quote in her bathroom - "love like you won't get hurt" - yet she tells me to stay away from you until you clean up your act. I don't know.

If anyone is curious, this song is called I Love You So by The Walters.

At any rate, I structured this poem to be something of a mashup of prose and verse. The person I talk about and I are always in between phases of our relationship. Its hard. Some days its casual. Other days, it's fun and passionate. Sometimes we fight like we're together. I want this to feel like a conversation really, like I would be truly saying this if he asked me. That's why I try to avoid speaking in absolutes if not necessary, like saying "I think it left an imprint on my soul," or, "it's a little awkward" or even "it feels kinda wrong."
This started with me realizing I was in love with him, and it's so much more now. I like it.
Joy Nov 2017
Pretty boy, pretty girl -
Big **** and big ol' brown eyes -
Somewhere between the moon,
The pink twisted clouds,
And the slow setting sun.
Tupac and The Internet inspired this, along with a picture I took in my parent's backyard.

November, 2017
Joy Nov 2017
"Tell me how to feel about you now -
Let me know!

Do I suffocate or

Let You Go?"
A variation on Paramore's "Tell Me How." I find it so interesting how a text can change with just some alterations on syntax and placement of words.
Joy Nov 2017
My cat died and from there it only got worse.
I keep doing the things I said I wouldn't do,
Like listen to sad songs
And think about you.
Sometimes I'm really okay, other times it hurts. I am very melodramatic and I hate it sometimes.
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