Deep to your soul
Why do you help?
Is it for your own gain?
Maybe for emotional wealth...

You lift others up
But do you get love?
You may not think you deserve it
Because you’re so above

Are you really yourself?
You haven’t been a Self in ages,
That all that’s left of yourself
Is on weathered written pages,

You discovered you were kind,
You made that your forefront.
But you realize people like that
And that you were a prize won,

That got swirled in your head,
That you were needed,
Always being used—
Your fields were seeded

The plants grew tall.
The plants of your egos
Because you were crucial,
And helped with all woes

You took their pain.
You took their burden.
But they took things too!
They stole your person.

I have a lust for rightcheousness and luxury
Help me
Help me
Help me
Dig deep
Dig deep
Dig deep
corner ego it’s turgid.
And **** it.
Must cleanse myself of this evilness.
The corpse reeks of malice.
Without it the breath of my soul is aromatic.
Must crucify possessive vocabulary.
I want
I need
I
I
I
Hang them on a cross of selflessness.
Nail them with actions of helpfulness.
Forget narcissism.
Forget avarice.
Forget being vitriolic.
How unbearably odious my behavior has been.
I apologize as sincerely as I can.
After all we are all cursed being human.
All my faults only show how weak I am.
Through reflection I have shed light on the faults I am capable of revealing.
Yet I have not sought action.
That’s how weak I am.
“I need help” I say.
But the first step of healing.
One does by themselves.
Seek help.
I sit here lethartically.
Thinking help will come to me.
I’m so tenaciously idiotic.
And.
To make things worse.
I grow impatient and annoyed that help hasn’t found me.

See.
I realize this.
And I’m so week that still. I won’t do anything about it.
I won’t seek help after writing this.
I might think I will or think I do.
But it’s either two lazy a cry or not one at all.
I am repulsive. Yet to blind to accept it as the divine truth it actually is.
I say I know myself.
I do. But I don’t actually embrace truth as confronting as it is.
It would help me.
I’m to lazy to face that though.
To scared.
So I slither back into my pitiful narcissistic chasm.
Like so many of my self involved peers.
We all realize it. We resent it.
But for now it’s a part of us.

Today you spoke first
Grimacing as you do
Knowing, nobody means anything to you
even me because how could I


-em vidar

to take a love that isn't mine
for I have taken a love that isn't mine

the love I did not want
the love I could not find

I have taken
I have stolen
you have shot you have killed

what is left is only the misery of what we feel
I can't bear to lose what wasn't mine
I can't bear to find what I can't see

I don't know what I should do for the love that wasn't mine
for the heart I've taken
for the way I've shaken
and for the life I've taken

for the love that wasn't mine
and the love I didn't want

Where was I before my Birth
Who brought me? In this life

Some say My Parents
Gave me my Life

I think they only Ate
The Forbidden Apple

They just performed their basic Karma
And received me as a gifted Product

I was shipped without any User Manual
And without any Standard Operating Procedure

My parents worked round the clock
Gone through all the other manuals

At last they applied their mind
And prepared their own Manual

They also defined their own
Standard Operating Procedure

And I was handled and serviced
As per their Manual and SOP

Now I think, I am grown up now
But the question still remains as it was

Are we all only Products?
If Yes, Who Manufactured Us?

Where are the Original User Manuals?
Where are the Technical Manuals?

Where is the Standard Operating Procedure?
Why I was shipped to this mother Earth?

Some of my friends suggested a simple answer
'God made us and You too. But you are *****'

This answer posed other questions to me
Who made God?  God Made God?

Or the Humans made God for their own purpose?
Where are the temples of God made by Insects?

Suppose If God made us? Why he is so greedy?
Like the capitalists of proprietary companies

Why we are a strict proprietary Products?
Even proprietary products are supplied with Manuals

If God can't make us Open Source, At least he should
Supply the Manuals, Supply the Standard Operating Procedure

Or He is also too much selfish like each one of us

In a winter reflection, through a cage of ice,
I watch a shadow of myself love you.
From a sunken place, I’m stuck,
Endlessly pacing within my head,
I’m stuck, a lonely, hungry tiger.
The coldness fills me slowly
as I watch you from my prison.
The bars to my cage pretend to bend,
but it is only a trick of the sun.
I refuse to leave the cage
even though I have the key,
for safety
for sanity
for selfishness
I swallow the key often.
The cage will melt eventually
so I will wait until then,
It is hard to hate for so long
in conditions like this
where every day the water freezes
and unfreezes and freezes.
It is hard to hate when her hands melt the ice.
Love freezes the pain and drips away everything else
Into the gutter, but the sun always falls, still.

I loved her,
Growing up together,
But the separation of tertiary education,
I became more selfish,
I saw you were hurt,
Majorly hurt,
I hurt also,
But it was you,
And I had to withdraw myself,
Away from you,
I didn’t understand you see,
I was being selfish to survive,
To live another day to be selfish
And to be able to be in your aura,
Even though I knew you were hurting
I needed to get better before
So I could just see you
In all that is a strong light.
But you were hurting and I didn’t do anything,
I selfishly sustained my desire over you to only see you later.