We are just an inch apart
But lately it has felt like we are miles
I don't know what to do
I still love you
But our moments only seem to revolve around what you want to do.
It is weird how fine I am, being your moon.

What is that smile,
Threatening face?
Selfish desire,
Tie people on lace.

Everything for you
You don't see our needs,
Everyone's blue,
While her Majesty leads...

Show that you care,
But then spit in my soul?
Don't backstab me ever,
You won't see me fall.

Grin, laughter starts,
Pull me into your games,
You love broken hearts,
Throwin' us into flames

These words keep arriving by post,
By phone and through the air:
They say, “I love you the most!”
And he’s always unprepared.

I dismissed them until I knew
What they could mean,
What they could do.

They let a young boy believe
In a dangerous fantasy
Of the young or naïve,
And give himself to ecstasy.

He’d already given himself away
To a girl who “merely loved” him;
He was swayed.
He was wounded by a whim.

How could his young heart
Know the anguish of love spurned?
Of changing minds and false starts?
That passion fades as quickly as it burns?

He was “crushed” when it ended;
His response, pure and true.
Still that phrase he insanely defended!
“I love you, I love you, and I love you”!

How hollow to me it still rings!
My beloved son in pain.
What makes a girl do these selfish things?
What is it that they gain?

Young hearts now seem to lack wisdom;
They’re so eager to believe.
Yet they haven’t the caution
It takes to give love and receive.

Summer, 2006

why you try so hard
to fit in her world
when she can live her life
and you can live my life
long before you've met each other

Deep to your soul
Why do you help?
Is it for your own gain?
Maybe for emotional wealth...

You lift others up
But do you get love?
You may not think you deserve it
Because you’re so above

Are you really yourself?
You haven’t been a Self in ages,
That all that’s left of yourself
Is on weathered written pages,

You discovered you were kind,
You made that your forefront.
But you realize people like that
And that you were a prize won,

That got swirled in your head,
That you were needed,
Always being used—
Your fields were seeded

The plants grew tall.
The plants of your egos
Because you were crucial,
And helped with all woes

You took their pain.
You took their burden.
But they took things too!
They stole your person.

I have a lust for rightcheousness and luxury
Help me
Help me
Help me
Dig deep
Dig deep
Dig deep
corner ego it’s turgid.
And **** it.
Must cleanse myself of this evilness.
The corpse reeks of malice.
Without it the breath of my soul is aromatic.
Must crucify possessive vocabulary.
I want
I need
I
I
I
Hang them on a cross of selflessness.
Nail them with actions of helpfulness.
Forget narcissism.
Forget avarice.
Forget being vitriolic.
How unbearably odious my behavior has been.
I apologize as sincerely as I can.
After all we are all cursed being human.
All my faults only show how weak I am.
Through reflection I have shed light on the faults I am capable of revealing.
Yet I have not sought action.
That’s how weak I am.
“I need help” I say.
But the first step of healing.
One does by themselves.
Seek help.
I sit here lethartically.
Thinking help will come to me.
I’m so tenaciously idiotic.
And.
To make things worse.
I grow impatient and annoyed that help hasn’t found me.

See.
I realize this.
And I’m so week that still. I won’t do anything about it.
I won’t seek help after writing this.
I might think I will or think I do.
But it’s either two lazy a cry or not one at all.
I am repulsive. Yet to blind to accept it as the divine truth it actually is.
I say I know myself.
I do. But I don’t actually embrace truth as confronting as it is.
It would help me.
I’m to lazy to face that though.
To scared.
So I slither back into my pitiful narcissistic chasm.
Like so many of my self involved peers.
We all realize it. We resent it.
But for now it’s a part of us.

Today you spoke first
Grimacing as you do
Knowing, nobody means anything to you
even me because how could I


-em vidar