My recent reluctance plays on repeat
My shaken hands radiate with heat
I choke on my words
Throat thick with lies
I swallow them down
Gagging on my pride
Regret in my chest
I attempt to catch my breath
Praying for solace
My head to the ground
I'm stuck in this moment
I don't want to be found

I remember this moment as if it were just years ago.
Felt this feeling before, guess my lifes been put on hold.
I sensed the fear in my heart.
Been too scared to rip apart.
The negativity attached to me. (Its all I know)
Its been exactly three 3 years since I've walked this path.
And now I realize there's no turning back...no turning back.
Just know that I realize
I know whats on the line.
I just gotta remember to remind myself

You just want to be dependable.
No you don't want to be dispensable.
You're much older now.
You're much wiser now.

There are certain things that I've come to understand.
The expectations I had for myself didn't go as planned.
I tried to mask all the pain.
Of my failure of a life.
Just to see that that ain't right.
But in moments like this, i ask myself.
Is this really the road you wanna go? Hell no.
But just know, that I realize now.
I know whats on the line.
I just gotta remember to remind myself.

You just want to be dependable.
No you don't want to be dispensable.
You're much older now.
You're much wiser now.
You don't want to be emotional.
No you don't want to be disposable.
You're so much older now.
You're so much wiser now.

Blown away sorrows,
Seep through pillows,
Was I mad was I sad
When I came with no “hi”s
And left with no “goodbye”s

The place is close by,
But I walk back I drive past
I duck away to avoid pests of regrets

Never able to cut open
The memories endeared
In its own empty crust.

So I look toward future with lust
Afraid of the going back
Afraid of the circling into myself
Fastened into idealized past.

Nobody ever come back this way,
Nothing ever stay the same,
None ever let their sentiments sway,
Not my fights not my thoughts not my defeats
not even me.

I have never stood accused of a sunny disposition
yellow doesn't linger in my eyes
see the starkness of the darkness
glare at the plastered happiness
smirking

What gives this paint such power?
What warmth is mixed among the chemical reaction?

With in my mind I feel daisy meadows
burning in yellow
petals of white caught in the breeze
shivering stems of green

Banana skin skies
haloed in sunshine kisses
brighten the world
with a joyless disposition

In my room, the walls bleed the same
yellowy and rusty
I'm mocked by an optimistic face
reflecting in the shadow
of my yellow walls

Will the irony fade?

i believe it is wrong to say "it's not about how you get there, its about the end result" because when you finally make it to where you want to be will you be proud of what you have done, when there's no where to go, not even back.

dear younger me
i beg you
keep falling in love
with your heart
not your head
and please
remember that no one
ever fell in love
being cautious and afraid
remember to be
open and truthful
patient and forgiving
and above all else
be the person
you wish to
fall in love with

My life has been more than empty for so many years;
  Filled with so much sadness as I've  cried lonely tears.
  Allowing myself to feel this for so long I had given up on me;
  I was coming to terms with my life and accepting this harsh reality.
  My dreams that I would some day be loved, For Better or For Worse;
  They were all fading away now and being replaced by a curse.
  Although I wanted to place the blame on someone besides me;
  The truth is the Choice was mine of how my life would be.
  The Lord gives us this life with free will to decide the paths on our own;
  I probably would have made different choices if I would have only known.
  So cherish this life, for you only have one;
  Live each day like your last, learn to walk before you run.

Scribble scribble on the wall
Make me pretty that is all
Love me dearly what I hope
Everything was all a joke

Vision goes dark and blurry
Inhaling smoke and party
You're all I want, oh baby
Why can't you see me clearly

Love me just a little bit more
Don't let me get out of the door
Bloodshot eyes filled with **** regrets
Remember the day we first met