Nowadays, I am a particularly content person.
I write, I study, I watch, I socialise (but only on Wednesdays)
and I am alone.
I have officially finished with the nasty business of a relationship, in fact, I don't think I'm relationship material at all.
All in all, I'm okay with where I am in life.

But at night,
I have to close my bedroom door.
I have to close it as soon as I turn out the lights, so the ghosts of my past regrets don't come sneaking in and come creeping into my head while I sleep.
I must keep them out of me, it's not my fault you see.
I tried so hard to help them all but I'm not as strong as I seem.

I accept my life of sin and solitude.
I'm happy this way, honestly, it's the truth.
You have to believe me, you must.

Leave me
You following things
Stop sticking to my back like feathers
I am an ostrich
Stuck to the ground
I am a penguin
Slipping on the ice
I wish I could trade in these heavy wings
And sweep away these feathers
And take to the sky
Using nothing but my bare arms

Parasites in my mind, manipulating my life.
I can't figure out whats mine.
The voice in my head commands me with no regret, I hate that, yet I feel bad.
My heart it hurts, is it that voice in my head that's worse or is it the explosive pain of my heart that's the curse?
Falling apart, my mind controlled, my heart bursting apart.

There’s these nights when I go on a tour back to my past.
Taking stroll on all the Shouldn’t have, Could haves.
But isn’t that all what makes us more human?
Mistakes and regrets?
If we no longer had those, we would be too perfect to be called as Humans.

monogamy means I am a thing
an object possessed by someone else
their trophy, their conquest
their maid and chef, too

I want to be loved, not owned
held loosely and with courage
treasured, valued, and desired
instead of confined to chains

monogamy is stifling
monogamy is jealous
monogamy is cruel
monogamy is immuring

I have always been your everything
rather than comforting, it's exhausting
love is complex but not binding
and sometimes love isn't enough

fifty years down the road
will I regret the time I've spent
being inauthentic and forced
living someone else's dream?

I knew I was going to fall in love with him
When I heard his voice on the other side of the phone
I knew I was going to fall in love with him before it was even real between us
And we were tight
Everyday we talked
And everyday we shared
And I realized
That I had fallen in fast
And way too deep
I lost it a few times
But brought myself back on my feet
And he’s knocked me down so many times
Yet
Still I rise
And it hurt
But I kept going
Until he said “I cherish you as a friend”
And that’s when I realized
That I swam down to the bottom
And wasn’t sure if I’d make it back up
I’d lost myself in him
And couldn’t find the exit
And all I could was grip
And clutch onto something
That no longer wanted me
I was being held captive by his voice
And by my broken heart
Who just couldn’t let go
I’ll always have love for him
But I know that it won’t ever be
Even all of those times when he said “just wait for me”
I can’t wait any longer
I have a life to live
But I know one day we’ll speak again
And we’ll do these things
All over again

for whatever i do,
with someone new,
there’s a small part of me thinking
it could have been with you.