By searching I feel like
I'm begging for a family,
Trying to tell someone they have to have me,
But they made me lonely.
Why should I fall to the feet of people,
Who do not deserve me?
Who purposely removed me?

Sometimes I wonder if I really want it,
I inform myself I know I don't need it,
I recite how it won't make it better,
Instead the discomfort will fester
And I won't be able to hide,
I'll be unable to make it go away:
And that's my biggest fear.

I've learnt by now,
How scary it is, when it comes around
To asking for things;
Carrying out the consequences.
By the time I get what I thought I wanted,
I no longer desire for it:
Instead I've put myself in Hell,
A place where I've backed myself into a corner:
And I'll never find an escape.

Somehow that storm has past:
I've survived, I'm still alive
But after that I'm back to needing.
Needing things to be okay,
Realising what I've missed out on,
All over again,
Yet I'm too scared to find it,
Because of how terrorising
It was the last time,
That I almost found what I've
Always been waiting for.

What I can't handle is,
Providing someone with my weaknesses.
This is one of the things
That could really hurt me,
And I'd be screaming it at the top of my lungs,
To some stranger that I've
Never heard of.

Eventually, every now and then,
The time comes around,
When I'd like to give in.
I'll just try, this one more time,
Maybe it won't be so bad,
Maybe one day if I do this it won't make me sad.

There's always this one thing
I don't understand:
Is how this makes people so **** happy.
It's like a celebration, a liberation.
Why are they so happy,
To find people who treated them like ******* before they really even existed?
They spent their whole life without them,
Because they simply gave them up
And I don't care about the so called "reasons",
For me it's just not good enough,
And then they're so happy to get the chance,
To discover them.

Can't they see it how I do?
They got rid of you,
They didn't want you before you even had the chance
To do anything wrong.
How can you look at,
Or hear of
Your own flesh and blood
And decide to get rid of it,
Like an old worn out rug?

So tell me, why should I live for,
Someone else who doesn't give a toss,
Who goes on with everything else,
While I grew up.
Do you know what it's like,
Being the kid in the playground,
Surrounded by their friends with their parents,
Whilst you're there with no father or mother in sight?
Do you know what it's like,
To cry at night saying you miss someone,
Someone you have never known,
Because you didn't understand,
That you can't miss a privation;
You can't miss what's never been there,
Because you're too young?
Do you have a clue,
What it feels like, to wonder why you weren't good enough,
To even have a ****** father?
Why you couldn't have a father at all?

But children are resilient,
You'll be happy to know,
So you get through all that,
Like it's nothing at all.
Then for some reason,
It all crushes you when you least expected it,
You see you've been apathetic, not caring about it.
Then one day you wake up,
And your whole life evolves around it,
Almost like an obsession that you can't stop,
You're sure it hits you harder than before,
With no visible cause, and you can't gather why
This suddenly matters so much now,
But it just does.

They may have gotten rid of you,
Before they had the chance to see you breathe,
That's not important though,
Because you'll suffer all the same,
With constant thoughts after you're sure you have escaped.
You'll wonder why they're so inexcusable
And so dissolute.
You'll ask yourself what you should do,
And in this society, many people think it's great, they think it's fun to find out
Just exactly who left you, who ditched you, who made sure you didn't even know their name,
Thinking about it will make you feel enraged,
Disgusted, but all the same:
These thoughts,
They will never seem to go away.

What would you call the home which sits,
simple, in reverence of fiction, sits in reverence,
on two knees and a nose sniffing ***** bones?
What would you call a thing which makes,
a thing which creates meaning, much less,
than it ***** the meaning away?

The past ushers futures inside that my parents
made, and their parents made, and their parents,
it seems I'm younger than I think. B o r n,
i n t o a w o r l d o f d e t r i t u s . b o r n,
into a
worldoftrash.

Happy. Happy. Happy.
My body will carry use
once I am dead. I
think I taste the dirt.

Happiness in head.

I know a girl
on the other side of the world
she's my flesh and blood
my heart and soul
but I'm stuck with the blues
the baby blues now

i love you so much that it hurts
come,
sit by my side sweet child o' mine
you've cried enough tears for the both of us

knowing that i cannot help-
that this pain you must endure-
o that i could, sweet child o' mine
i would carry it all...

i would carry you.

I went to church today by myself. How hypocritical of me, identifying myself as an atheist but still continuing to attend masses, never missing one.

Everything was normal. The priest started his homily with a joke of how all the restaurants would be filled with families, celebrating father's day. A tear escaped my eye. That's when it hit me, it was father's day. It was a day that for people like me, wasn't special. That's why the church was filled with fathers and soon to be fathers. The priest continued with his homily, saying that fathers should instill and inculcate to their kids the importance of God being the center of one's life. I cried. Not the loud cry, but tears were running down my face. My heart hurts. My heart was crying. Maybe, I was stressed, like I usually am. I was weeping in silence while the priest continued with the mass. Only now have I realized how empty I've become.

Emptiness was a feeling I never knew. It was a feeling I was familiar with but refused to recognize. I was afraid to be weak. The last thing I need was a pity party. But at that moment, I just let the tears stream through my face. I didn't care if people were looking at me with sympathy on their faces. I was suppressing this feeling for so long, that when it was finally released, it felt like my system was being crushed.

Even if you never stood as a father to us, even if you never acknowledged me as your daughter, even if you ruined and altered my life, you will always be my father.

I realized that there is no sense in harboring hatred towards you, you're one of the reasons why I became strong and independent. You're one of the people, who somehow, shaped me into who I am today.

We may never be comfortable with each other, nor speak to one another. Things might never be okay between us, but know that I always acknowledged you as my father even if you never did and I am grateful to you for making me experience life, even though it sometimes *****.

Happy father's day, dad.