5:30, 4:30 -
Up ever earlier.
40, 50, 60
Pages of the encyclopedia open.
All with tabs,
Of the many windows, pages, & folders.
Through the looking glass,
Roaming far & near as an extraterrestrial.

The future is ahead
and the past is behind.
It's important it stays that way
So our minds can stay organized.

sweaty forehead, a gory past
wildly glowing eyes of oblivion
shivering hands, sirens, bars
freedom, imprisonment, razor blades

peru, coca farmers, chemicals
smuggler channels, route 36
franklin's face on crumpled-up paper
rattling coins, benjamins, stacks

gotta make it or take it
gotta sell or abuse it
flashing louis, abundant future
sweaty forehead, ****** present

biker chapters, brothers, funerals
tommy hauled jim's coffin
rick carried tommy to his grave
cut-offs, gats, one call: ******

despair, hatred, vengeance, omerta
mortals remain silent, angels don't
rain of blood, a puddle of codes
turf, plots, streets, blocks, gangs

cults **** cultures, weapons replace
shelter in a group home; the stabbing
"shaun got heart, he a furious one --
can use dat dude, pay him up"

black, white, african-american, chechens
territories of unspoken laws
intimidated witnesses, gay mobsters
lured teenagers, deadly magic of power

the old ones impress the new ones
newbies will turn into soldiers
**** or get killed; headshots of fear
numbers on the forehead, blueish

unwritten are the rules of some
bribed politicians, skippers, knockos
the one who wets, will be wetted
others prefer the clarity of faith

organized crime, rats and kingpins
multilevel marketing, elevators
glass towers, late and secret meetings
route 36, the white magic of death

it's all in the game


"The only thing that burns in hell is the part of you that won't let go of your life.
Your memories, your attachments, they burn 'em all away. But they're not punishing you, they say. They freeing yourself.

Relax."

(Quote from the film "Jacob's Ladder")

Bolts go with screwdrivers
Wrenches install nails
and life keeps going.

Sadness goes with anger
Empty thoughts will never fill
and life keeps going.

Knowing I'll be feeling hopeless and could use the direction
the distraction.
What is the use?
I need to feel like I am being significant

But I am significant

But why bother?
there is no deadline
there is no action.

i find that time runs slow in the morning
eight skips later then it's 8 pm
three nights in a row

but what is happening?
Where is my will
my willingness
to REALLY live?

Everything
is always the same
same thoughts
same drive
but a drive to nowhere but dreams on broken foundations
monotonous.

I have to push myself, I know I must.
to be able to OPEN my eyes and SEE
because all I see is fog.

I am aware?
I do not feel aware.

i am trapped in a misty humid fog, waving my arms gasping.
trying to breathe
dying to breathe
i cannot breathe.

I want to experience life in all its glories
And I would have
Or do I just think I would have?

if circumstances weren't so hilariously unfunny
Why?
why do i get the thing i have wanted most,
At the cost of another?
I don't even get a say in the decision-making,
I am merely just the puppet in this simulation
Playing out the scenes after the act.
Why?
That's because the forces of the universe have a sense of humor.

I very dislike change, and so it finds me a perfect match.
But others who wish they can leave their hometowns, have to stay stagnant until adulthood.
Where is my right to a less stressful childhood?
Why.

why am i being forced to grow up?
Being forced to mature or else i cannot keep up

being organized is the only thing that keeps me sane
It is the only thing that I have control over

One of the only things I have control over.

I am the physical manifestation of anxiety
Screaming
to be heard
to be n o t i c e d


to be mistaken for art


It was
a way of rebellion in a circumstance where i was forced to mature quick
robbed of non-persistent
non-insistent thoughts

So i hope fate is happy now.
For through the course you have run,
you have molded this puppet,
exactly how you have planned.

you can check me off your list

nowadays i keep the light on
my desk organized
my bed made
my floor clean
i see world through a different lens
summers have the sun up
even the fog see through
in the winter
i changed my way of living in
december

I think I'm always stressed out
Because my mind is always a mess
I must have OCD for my thoughts
It makes me
u    
           n
c
     o   m
F    
        o
                      r
T           a
     b                l
              E
So I make lists of what must be done
What I want to do, what I'm going to do
And many more lists
To organize my thoughts, just a little bit

I have retired,
long ago, from my duties
my wonderful job
That has made me millions.

You best think twice
before you speak arrogantly of me.
Know, when you undermine me
Next to others among,
That I have made millions.

I’ve fed mouths
Raised beautiful souls,
Scrubbed till my skin cracked,
Squatted till my bones ached,
Cooked art till my heart was content but,
I have no right to complain
I never look back on my life with shame,
because I have made millions.

I arose at the glint of the sunrise
Filled my ears with the bellowing
Of vendors and their creaking carts
Sacrificed my sleep
To sustain my job
because my efforts are worth millions.  

I was dedicated,
Worked hard for my family,
my tendrils of hair askew
I continued my work
Masked my emotions,
Even when I was feeling blue
all because I was too busy making millions.

I kept my “office” ***** and span
Invented my own tips and tricks
since I was passionate
about making millions.

I wonder if you think I am worthless but
I simply sit back and smile because
I tell myself
I was a queen in my line of work
I didn’t just make beds,
I made wonderful souls
It never required money
I never had to get paid  

Now,
The thin wrinkles on my hand
Remind me that
I am more than satisfied,


Because I know
I’ve made millions.

I should probably eat better
And quit smoking soon
Money ends up with the debtor
And stocks pop like balloons

I know that I should know better
But what do you know?
Claiming to "know THE creator"?
What an absurd notion...

I really should exercise more
Spend less time online
At least I'm not so immature
To pretend I know what's Divine.