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haya Jul 2020
i was left alone
in the epidemic
All humans inside
I'm outside, seeing these horrible things

And i remember that i can't remember.

that I've probably forgotten
Where are my parents?
Where is my home?

No humans on sight, i think they're all dead
oh no, they're all inside it turns out,
I'm the one who's considered dead

Perhaps i am dead
because feeling alive is so distant and far away

And i can't remember.
Written somewhere in April, at the beginning of all the self-quarantining.
haya Jul 2020
What does life have in store for me?
Everything is coming together at last
At this point, I would be afraid,
but somehow I'm not,
Future is approaching
My personality changing
And I'm almost seventeen.
Almost seventeen?
I'm almost an adult and it's hard to realize this.
I've been taking life in the perspective of an adult for some time now,
but to become an adult to match my thoughts?
I might finally act my age.

I've got standardized tests to do
I can't falter
So many testings of different importances and knowledge levels are approaching
and I've been so lucky to have been able to take a chemistry course of my caliber.

But will I achieve my goal?

I'm content and feeling full.
a fullness that filled up the emptiness and anxiety pit inside me not more than eight months ago
Eight months ago?
I've been living in my childhood city for about seven months.
seven months.
these months made me somewhat more than my usual okay
they made me feel
And that
Love is for me
And will be there for me
My work ethic isn't how it used to be.
My lack of influence and social acceptance aren't easy to avoid anymore.
This is some kind of lesson?

a... twisted lesson that involves the backstabbing of new "friends"

they are
Yet not.
Yet not.
Envy and stupidity
I'm not any better in their eyes
But I do not care
I've been humiliated all too many times
I feel
Yet I shouldn't.

This very school was chosen according to my research.
So sometimes
I feel like I've made a big mistake
and that is all my fault.
But it's like there weren't any other options either

A family,
that is short on money and barely afforded their children to go to school.
Their story,
repeats of every year that a new grade level comes into the picture.

For as long as I've been in the 7th grade, I've remembered the struggle and the worry.

I'm so sick of this infinite loop.
So I will be the terminating condition

stopping it at its roots.
to destroy any chance of plant seed deciding to latch on to soil.

the world doesn't need any more dead flowers.
Written on September 26, 2018, at 11:04 PM
haya Jul 2020
Knowing I'll be feeling hopeless and could use the direction
the distraction.
What is the use?
I need to feel like I am being significant

But I am significant

But why bother?
there is no deadline
there is no action.

i find that time runs slow in the morning
eight skips later then it's 8 pm
three nights in a row

but what is happening?
Where is my will
my willingness
to REALLY live?

is always the same
same thoughts
same drive
but a drive to nowhere but dreams on broken foundations

I have to push myself, I know I must.
to be able to OPEN my eyes and SEE
because all I see is fog.

I am aware?
I do not feel aware.

i am trapped in a misty humid fog, waving my arms gasping.
trying to breathe
dying to breathe
i cannot breathe.

I want to experience life in all its glories
And I would have
Or do I just think I would have?

if circumstances weren't so hilariously unfunny
why do i get the thing i have wanted most,
At the cost of another?
I don't even get a say in the decision-making,
I am merely just the puppet in this simulation
Playing out the scenes after the act.
That's because the forces of the universe have a sense of humor.

I very dislike change, and so it finds me a perfect match.
But others who wish they can leave their hometowns, have to stay stagnant until adulthood.
Where is my right to a less stressful childhood?

why am i being forced to grow up?
Being forced to mature or else i cannot keep up

being organized is the only thing that keeps me sane
It is the only thing that I have control over

One of the only things I have control over.

I am the physical manifestation of anxiety
to be heard
to be n o t i c e d

to be mistaken for art

It was
a way of rebellion in a circumstance where i was forced to mature quick
robbed of non-persistent
non-insistent thoughts

So i hope fate is happy now.
For through the course you have run,
you have molded this puppet,
exactly how you have planned.

you can check me off your list
Written on September 6, 2018 at 12:42 AM (age 16)

I don't think like this anymore. And if I can come out of it, you can too. There is always hope.
haya Jul 2020
What happened with me and poetry?
I haven't written in so long.
I feel a little dead inside let's say,
when I have to be opening up.

Do I have trust issues?
I do sometimes trust and have faith.

It's the intimate thoughts and emotions that I'm scared to uncover.


I talk a lot about it, yet I don't have any.

So I strive to carry it out on myself.
It's not such a terrible thing in my eyes.
But to others,
I'm a ticking time bomb, primed to explode.

Although I don't have that explosive self-hatred gunpowder anymore.

Everybody's a critic.
And I guess I'm just scared of the judgment?

And I do to an extent!

I leave for one year and come back,
Completely different in all body and mind.

To be fair, it might be a little overwhelming
but. Why should I care?

and pick up the pieces for those who have fragile incentives?

It isn't my problem.
This is who I am, albeit being primed to destroy.

nobody can fix me but myself.
Written on July 13, 2018, at 8:56 PM
haya Jul 2020
He's broken.
So broken.
He hadn't lost a parent.
But he is further from her than he was before.
The other is transparent.
Unhealthy habits.

Transparency has unhealthy habits.

A spitting image of his father.
Unhealthy ways of dealing with negative emotions.
He's throwing a tantrum now.
He can't handle it.
His rage filling up, consuming him.
He has justified it; not hearing nor seeing the logic others use to rationalize his feelings.
On the outside, he is definitely a toxic person.

One of those types of kids you should never befriend.

Toxic, indeed.
But not only to others, making fun of them and being bitter.
But to himself.
So young,
yet he thinks his intellect outmatches societies',
his maturity cannot be matched,
he is misunderstood,
he is one in a million.
He is not.

He is among the many regular people who carry a facade.
Shifting into somebody else whenever he cannot get what he wants

this is because he can't handle his new life?
He was never like this before.
his brain created personalities for him, for whatever each situation requires it.

So fragile, so sensitive.
Been through so much anguish.
So much pain.

And his mind could not withstand the transparency's abuse.
That same transparency that cannot understand him.
Made him hate the world and believe he was hated back.

He is a lost soul.
Underneath his manipulative, two-faced facade, there is a small child.
An underdeveloped mind.
That lacks power to process emotions correctly.
Numb, unfeeling of empathy.

At a time where puberty arises,
and the stress of a mistreating new life,
he has no freedom.
He feels as trapped as his sister.
She has people to confide in.
He does not.

He is alone.

Alone in his head.

His mother, he needs her. In so many ways.
His mental state is unstable.

He needs her.

Every time the cruel transparency strikes its manipulation,
nowhere to run.

Not allowed to process, not allowed to act,
if the little boy cries in retaliation, he will be awarded a slap.

Showing emotion means being dealt with more abuse.

It is endless
he wants it to stop.

unanswered cries for help.

but circumstances show that he'll be in it for a long time.
His gender,
is causing his anguish.
His age,
is causing his anguish.
His family,
is causing his anguish.
His existence,

is the bane of his anguish.

Maybe he's right, he is not a normal person.
He isn't allowed to be.

he is broken.
So broken.

and our family doesn't believe in therapy.
Written on December 25, 2017, 10:32 PM at a cousin's birthday party.
haya Mar 2017
One word,
one action,
can change the running of a whole day,
you might think that it is normalcy; to be treated this way,
harsh enough to change the chemical balance in your brain,
many exclaim; "Do not complain!"
but the world tests, and tests it will to the profane,
do not obey, believing their feign,
do not stray from your scruples,
the morally intact thing that keeps you from being insane,
I know that they have greatly wronged you,
misguided you,
but do not dismay,
Whatever they say,

It's not them talking; you can say it's the *******,
It's not them talking; you can say it's the drunk mistakes,
It's not them talking; you can say it's the losses addressed in tainted bloodstains,

police sirens, and hand grenades,
school lobby back door, waiting with a full case,
past then, present now,
ringing in your ears; you're just another cash cow,
knocked out by your posse and left with a syringe,
a small dosage of ******, a reason to imprisonment,
do not believe that you're just a particle of dust in a **** ashtray,
don't listen,
don't carry their burden that they've handed over in hopes of you falling,
the impact would be small on them, but to you appalling,
but do not express insult in spite for revenge,
this way this war will never back-end,
to imagine a world where you take after them in this game of pretend,
would make you have the most tragic end

your life is not over; ignore what your parents claim,
your life is not over; ignore what old friends say,

because everyone now has an aim to shame,
a loved personality from sunny months ago,
long before the discovery of substances abused along with coke,

Be the bigger person,
move on from what is in the past,

a tomorrow will arrive to swept up yesterday's bad ending;
so believe in the future impending,
believe it or not,
that way your cracked, damaged soul would be mending

— The End —