A Lazarus body litters the sidewalk
outside a well-lit, desolate lobby.

On the left is a mexican restaurant,
with a line reaching to the
entrance. They should stamp
the grey and scratched up
plexiglass with a light and
dark purple neon:
Welcome To America.
It would be reinforced
by every delicious crunch
one hears on the way out as
cheap crumbs garnish concrete.

On the right, there’s a bar
alive on a Friday night.
Friends share hearty laughs
and pats on the back.
The bitter and the perishing
pretend they want this
when they should be
somewhere or someone else.
And mingling singles look for
compliments and numbers,
or maybe just someone to
take back and **** the **** out of.

But in the midst sits
a throne for ghosts.
Ceiling fluorescent reflects
off porcelain, paler than a farmer tan.
There are no other colors besides
the receptionist, bored to death,
leaning on the wall behind
the porcelain reception desk,
reading a copy of Ebony.
No ottomans or chesterfields
or benches. No consoles or cocktail
tables. Nothing adorning the walls.
Not even a stain.
Just a white hole, a bright
***** in an otherwise colorful
street on gray canvas.

I rise from my slumber
and mosey on out the lobby
in my purple linen suit.
The impoverished scrag,
his dog lapping his sores, asks
if I’d spare some change.

“Sorry, I only have card tonight.”

“That’s alright, sir. God bless.”

And I walk on, aware of the
Abrahams rubbing up against
a ****** in my wallet. I take a sip
of whiskey hidden in my empty
can of a drink that can never
satiate me. I wait for traffic to pass,
and then I jaywalk across Sticks St.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

You took everyone I knew,
All my friends, all my family,
You left me with no dignity,
Made sure everyone hated me.

I never knew you were cruel,
Thought I an abnormal child,
For my identity you stole,
Now all I want to do is hide.

You're the vampire of my soul,
You left me in the cold,
I'm so cold and alone,
You're the vampire of my soul.

All done in silence behind closed doors,
Made sure everyone thought otherwise,
You're cold narcissism used its claws,
You completely tore me up with your lies.

I never knew I could feel so alone,
But now everything I thought I knew is gone,
Cant trust no one, dont know whats true -
People believe the twisted lies you told....
Cant trust no one dont know whats true, ...
People believe the twisted lies you told. ...

I don't see you as my mother,
I dont even know who you are,
All I remember is fear and shame,
I dont even like my name.

I live the shame, I live it everyday,
You sided with a ******, turned me away,
It may well be hidden but its clear to me,
But covert narcissisms not there for all to see.

I bleed for you mum,
I let you hit me in the face,
Justified your behavior,
I'd always been a disgrace.

I know that you cant love me,
I hold nothing against you,
But the way you tore my life apart
Till the day I saw the truth

But where do I go from here?
In this dark and empty space,
You stole everything from within me,
To believe in the human race.

I'll never be free of you until my dying day,
Tho we hardly speak, I can feel you pulling the chains,
A victim of cover narcissism lives in constant pain,
Invisible on the outside, but im full of internal pain.

Betrayal, denial,
Blame, and shame,
Its covert narcissism,
And this is their game.....

I forgot that you
were just a poem
but now
my
memory
is back

*turns page

i stood over the sink
waiting for it to fill up
so i could wash
yesterday’s tears
out of my face
when suddenly
i felt your words
grab behind my neck
and submerge me underwater
i could hear every
hateful word you said
muffled beneath the water
when I pulled my head up
the sink was filled with bubbles
and that was your way
of apologizing today
until you do it again tomorrow

And you were staring at the joker instead of the queen,
With dashing good looks and a wit yet unseen,
The card was way simpler, alas -
Just listen me carefully, ****.

With brain yet so big but so drained,
You won’t able get my ordain.
With ears but yet deaf and so loud,
You will fall like rain from a cloud.

The higher you are - the more painful the fall,
Don’t climb without rope, you will pay risky tall.
What you cannot chew and try to just swallow -
Means that your spine is simply straight hollow.

With narrow, but self-absorbed mind,
I offer to you my resign.
Acceptance of your helpless ego,
Will only cause people vertigo.

i spent my life trying to please
someone with a twisted disease
i broke myself down
and tucked my feelings away
to become the person
they wanted me to be
i let myself be watched
through the glass of a two sided mirror
of a sociopath
i wallowed my spirit away
and begged for acceptance
but there’s nothing in the world
that i could do
to let the narcissist know
that i am human too

I have a lust for rightcheousness and luxury
Help me
Help me
Help me
Dig deep
Dig deep
Dig deep
corner ego it’s turgid.
And **** it.
Must cleanse myself of this evilness.
The corpse reeks of malice.
Without it the breath of my soul is aromatic.
Must crucify possessive vocabulary.
I want
I need
I
I
I
Hang them on a cross of selflessness.
Nail them with actions of helpfulness.
Forget narcissism.
Forget avarice.
Forget being vitriolic.
How unbearably odious my behavior has been.
I apologize as sincerely as I can.
After all we are all cursed being human.
All my faults only show how weak I am.
Through reflection I have shed light on the faults I am capable of revealing.
Yet I have not sought action.
That’s how weak I am.
“I need help” I say.
But the first step of healing.
One does by themselves.
Seek help.
I sit here lethartically.
Thinking help will come to me.
I’m so tenaciously idiotic.
And.
To make things worse.
I grow impatient and annoyed that help hasn’t found me.

See.
I realize this.
And I’m so week that still. I won’t do anything about it.
I won’t seek help after writing this.
I might think I will or think I do.
But it’s either two lazy a cry or not one at all.
I am repulsive. Yet to blind to accept it as the divine truth it actually is.
I say I know myself.
I do. But I don’t actually embrace truth as confronting as it is.
It would help me.
I’m to lazy to face that though.
To scared.
So I slither back into my pitiful narcissistic chasm.
Like so many of my self involved peers.
We all realize it. We resent it.
But for now it’s a part of us.

"If it has nothing to do with me
Then why should I even be here?"
That sounded far more narcissistic
Coming out of my mouth. But
I meant exactly what I said, and
I knew exactly what I meant.
I knew exactly what I meant.


-
By Aleksander Mielnikow

You’re as limp as a wet stocking
yet as frigid as a dry latex glove.
Deflated,
with the sculpted face of Dionysus.
I could frame that face
and hang you from my garden wall.
I will bring the rope,
but have you tie the knot.
I will admire you from beneath every archway.
I will sign my name below,
like I sign my own face
after the lipstick goes on.