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Crystal Peterson  May 2018
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Crystal Peterson May 2018
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You've done it a hundred times before
But just when you thought the day would come
When you'd lose track of time
You'd forget when it was
And you wouldn't have to count anymore
You thought you were free of it
You'd made it far enough
You thought you'd gone long enough
You thought it was over....

You fall right back to zero.
derick gibbs Apr 2014
Haven't felt like myself
since you swore you don't want me
and ran the other way when I wanted a hundred
But if you did the math...
I only needed half;
I thought we were a 50-50 love affair
I lost myself somewhere in our lie
Maybe I needed time to myself
Told myself not to think about you
Agreed with myself
Told myself it's for the better
I found myself
I'm better by myself
Told myself you won't **** with my head again
I blamed myself
Forgave myself
Lied to myself
I can't help myself
Last night, again it felt like I'm in love by myself
Deathly quiet
I could hear my heart breaking
I had a long talk with myself about you
Myself don't always think like I do
I told myself I would be objective with my views
And as open-minded as my pride would allow
because I'm desperate to know
if you've fought off my love
I'm real with myself
I love myself
I can't do you
if I don't know myself first
I stopped looking for myself
a long time ago
when I could hear myself think
I'm invested in myself
Raising a child by myself
I can do bad by myself. But I won't
And can't nobody push me
to tear myself down
I hadn't felt like myself
since you swore you don't want me
I've seen it myself
Played myself
Told myself not to think about you
Disagreed with myself
Couldn't convince myself
I had a long talk with myself about you
Myself don't always think like I do
I told myself I would be objective with my views
and as open-minded as my pride would allow
because I'm desperate to know
if you've fought off my love
Cuddled up against me
but the elephant in the room
is a very real thing
I won't just let myself accept it
I respect myself
Gotta give myself more credit than that
It was already crowded on this one way
I won't forget
I'm in love by myself
I've embarrassed myself
Felt sorry for myself
I've hated myself
for being too weak
to stand without you
I lost myself somewhere in our lie
I haven't felt like myself
since you swore you don't want me
It's deathly quiet
I could hear my heart breaking
but can't nobody push me
to tear myself down
I can do bad by myself. But I won't
I don't
You ran the other way when I wanted a hundred
but if you did the math...
I only needed half;
I thought we were a 50-50 love affair

Tell me anything...
I BEAST!
OnwardFlame Aug 2018
I think about a measuring cup
The different numbers that signify
What it is.

I see a photo of an infant on the internet
My ex boyfriends infant
I see my father leaving never to return
I see myself and my mother packing up our house
I see myself sleeping among boxes
I see myself in disneyland eating pretzels
Running away from your family, my family
Because I was so exhausted
I see you telling me you are sad to leave me
I see myself ******* someone else and it meaning nothing
I see myself calling you
I see myself you not calling me back
I see me spending my whole day stressing about that very fact
I see myself wondering what to do with my hair
I see myself being less supportive of myself
I see myself thinking my voice and my thoughts must be an interruption or an annoyance
I see myself being less supportive of others
I see myself feeling a lot of inexplicable pain
With people only being able to be there for me in moments.

I see myself wishing I could get so ****** up I would feel nothing
I could wake up and not worry about the tired and hurting face in the mirror.

These are my dark realities
As dramatic
And ******* lame as that may sound.

I want to turn this wannabe poem around
I wanna write an empowering stanza now.
I have to.

I see myself taking a deep breath
I see myself exhaling it out
Another one
I see myself meditating
I see myself thinking before I speak
I see myself believing my voice is interesting and highly endowed with some truthful brilliance
I see myself needing everyone and everything less
I see myself running and jumping off the mountain, zipping high up above--7,000 feet above sea level
I see myself hiking along trails, sipping mineral water
I see myself staring at the face of the Grand Canyon
I see myself making friends who speak a different language
I see myself tanning, getting inked up
Wearing sun hats, bathing in baths
I see myself being an avid listener
I see myself not living in the past or what I hope or think will be the future
I see myself breathing into the present
I see myself knowing I reached and all I can do is reach, and then to reside in my own grounding
I see myself not obsessing in an unhealthy and traumatic way
I see myself letting the pain I've experienced make me a better human
I see myself finding and feeling secure with trust
I see myself orgasming, feeling immense pleasure
I see myself
I see myself
I see myself.
I don’t see myself as a victim
Being bullied or picked on at work or school.
I don’t see myself as a failure
which causes me to feel very blue.

I don’t see myself as a miserable person
Doing something that I don’t enjoy,
I don’t see myself as a people pleaser
even though it brings me some little joy.

I don’t see myself as a villain or a sinner
Doing the things that are wrong,
I don’t see myself as a follower
Learning what the leader does all day long.

I don’t see myself as an emotional person
Even though, and every time, I cry a lot
I don’t see myself as a last-minute person
But I do procrastinate right on the spot.

I don’t see myself as average or normal
Or that I am boring or ordinary,
And I don’t see myself as a “nobody”
showcasing my feelings that are not very merry.

But I see myself as a Performer
Living a very, active, creative life,
Acting, Modeling, Singing,
Playing percussion, or being poetic,
By doing this, it will keep me from the strife.

I see myself as a Giver
who gives back in my hometown
Teaching, volunteering, and lending a hand
Is my gift to the world, when they’re feeling down.

I see myself as a role model and a leader
A person that everyone can look up to,
And that leading by example
They will do the same things as I do.

I see myself as a happy, healthy person
Doing the things that I love,
And I see myself as a true Christian
doing good deeds on Earth for the Lord God Above.

I see myself as a human being
That I only have one life to live,
I want to make my mark as a “somebody;”
That will be my only way to give.

I see myself as LOVED,

I see myself as STRONG,

I see myself as BEAUTIFUL and PRETTY,

I see myself as EXTRAORDINARY.

I see myself as BEING WORTH IT.

I see myself as an EXPRESSIVE CREATIVE ARTIST.

I see myself as ACCEPTING.

I see myself as INTELLIGENT, BRIGHT, and SMART.

I see myself as CONFIDENT.

I see myself as RECOGNIZABLE.

I see myself as JUST BEING ME.
Lillith Foxx Nov 2013
Everyday I hang myself
I nail myself
I staple myself to the wall

Everyday I bleed myself
I let myself
I rub my blood out in the hall

Everyday I hate myself
berate myself
I get out of bed and mandate myself
to update myself
to curate myself
Artist the **** up and create myself

Everyday I design myself
define myself
I put on my face and outline myself

Everyday I dissect myself
I correct myself
Take out my parts and infect myself

I change myself
rearrange myself
I paint all my organs and stain myself

Everyday I reword myself
martyr myself
Use the strings from the Beats to suture myself

I collect myself
Resurrect myself
My volition in life; to perfect myself

If I fail myself
derail myself
I'll have nothing but a cheap veil of myself;
a shattered bulb
a melted fuse
a pack of matches burned and used.


No supernova,
glory,
fame.
No concrete star,
with golden name.

Forgotten, faded,
dusty muse.
Mona Lisa,
cut and bruised.
My blood still smeared all down the hall,
my skin still nailed up to the wall.
My body scarred from mutilation,
mapped attempts at self-creation.
A jagged,
torn up,
constellation,
The Hero of Humiliation.

Don't we all fear failure's kiss?
For if you shoot
for the moon
and miss,
*you'll rot away in the abyss.
Todd Carter  Jun 2018
My Story
Todd Carter Jun 2018
I was just a boy. I hated myself.

I had to be perfect. I hated myself.

Everyone loved me. I hated myself.

I was popular. I hated myself.

I had lots of friends. I hated myself.

My family loved me. I hated myself.

I was condemned to hell by my Baptist upbringing. I hated myself.

I dated girls. I hated myself.

I attempted suicide. I survived. I hated myself.

I came out. I struggled. I tried to love myself.

I met my best friend, my soulmate. He taught me to love myself.

He was murdered. I was destroyed.

I gave up religion. I accepted myself. I tried to love myself.

I mourned. I learn(ed). I battl(ed) depression. I suffer(ed) anxiety. I  accepted myself.

I tried to love myself.

I was fat. I hated myself.

I was too gay. I hated myself.

I was ugly. I hated myself.

I was unlovable. I hated myself.

A 17 year love crushed my soul. I tried, and failed, at loving myself.

I got ***. I hated myself.

I was successful. I tried to love myself.

I traveled the world. I was the consummate extrovert, the life of the party. I loved myself.

I fell in love. He killed himself. I was destroyed. I hated myself.

Am I unworthy of love? I hated myself.

I pour myself into helping others. Do I love myself?

I keep trying. I keep living.

Somedays are good. Somedays not so much.

Somedays I love myself. Somedays not so much.
it’s hard to express yourself when, the voices say i am snitching or squealing, i am not, i am trying to express myself

you see it’s hard to express myself when the people know they are in the wrong and they know it, so they tease in a very horrible way, i am a person

you see it’s hard to express yourself when, nobody cares what you have to say,

i don’t want to have this horrible teasing voice when i am expressing myself

i am not squealing, i am trying to clean my brain out, mind you it’s hard to express myself when i hear voices of my past being horrible to me

i don’t deserve this, you see it’s hard to express myself when when i express myself, my dad comes in and says your too shy to be like brian

let us men take over, but what i am trying to do is clean my brain, i don’t want give money till i want to give money, i need to look after myself

i didn’t want to buy that kid a pack of smokes, i hate kids who tease like that, just to get me in trouble with the men

it’s hard to express myself when, people think i liked being shy as a kid, when i hated it, it’s hard to express myself when my voices

are keeping me with the crazy people in the psych ward, i will never be as ******* up as them, but they have problems, and i am a nice person

i am too nice to be a psych ward patient

it’s hard to express myself when i feel people are saying your getting kidnapped all the fucken time

it’s hard to express myself when people judge me me of how i used to be, and not how i am now

it’s hard to express myself when people treat me like the person i used to be, a scared to express myself dude, to who i am dude, a loving life dude

it’s hard to express myself when i feel people are trying to get me back to the person i was, because, i ******* a lot of people, I HAVE CHANGED

it’s hard to express myself i hear that voice of the past saying, what’s ya problem, ****, what’s ya problem, ****

it’s hard to express myself when, the voices laugh at me when i have problems at doing something, i don’t want to be shy no more

it’s hard to express myself when, people say when i say i am not shy, people presume i want to fight, I DON’T

it’s hard to express myself when people are saying i am christian, but i am a buddhist, ya know cleaning my brain

it’s hard to express myself when i say i need to clean my brain, someone gets a garden hose and splashes it in my eyes saying, your still a little shy boy, LEAVE ME ALONE

it’s hard to express myself when, people are wanting me to do what i used to do, when i want to move on to the next phase of my life, putting my art and writing out there

it’s hard to express myself when, people saying we’re still not leaving you alone, all the fucken time, LEAVE ME ALONE, ****

it’s hard to express myself when people wanting me to be like their mob, when i hate being treated like a little woosey

i would like to find the person who put the voices in my head, and give him these voices to see how he likes it,

I AM NOT MENTAL, I HAVE SCHITZOPHRENIA, ok
Nameless  May 2014
Hate
Nameless May 2014
I hate myself for being so rude
I hate myself for watching them ****
I hate myself for crying alone in the dark
I hate myself that i did not made any one to notice my bark
I hate myself for my frantic work
I hate myself for being called defected, outdated, and ****
I hate myself for distracting the attention
I hate myself for always getting detention
I hate myself for not smiling in my life ever
I hate myself for being so dumb and useless forever.
I hate myself for the manner-less things that I've done
I hate myself because I'm loved by none
I hate myself for losing myself in reading mysteries
I hate myself for not having my name in the book of histories
I hate myself for always over thinking on everything
I hate myself for refraining my thinking
I hate myself for living life stridently
I hate myself for living only in my nightmares particularly
I hate myself for the nobbling
I hate myself for my killing
I hate myself for all the pain that I've caused you dad
I hate myself as your 'daughter' was the poison of the home
I hate myself for everything
I hate myself as I let the stressful wail to sing.
Lou Jul 2017
Myself. Myself.
Who else? Who else?
The universe is always with me.

I maybe alone with only philosophy and routine,
But I awake every morning never lonely.

I now;

Tuck myself to sleep.
Sing myself a lullaby.
Pour myself a glass to drink.
Bury myself in sheets at night.

I admit it took self-control and a floor for me to greet, but nowadays I look at my feet and it's the best sight to see!

The floor! The floor!
Never ever before!
Has the earth looked so whole and green and sewn in patchy.
Below us all, ten toes and two soles. Peace has been all about loving the ground beneath feet.

I use to;

Tear myself out of bed.
Find myself a few hours in.
Scare myself awake, shaking.
**** myself for being ******* annoying.

Save yourself from sloth and wealth, two women that took my bed.
I can't blame them now for bringing me down, when I invited them in.

Now I;

Lay myself down, happy.
Me, myself and a bed so big.
Pardon myself, for hating.
By myself, life isn't a sin.
Healed myself, with one breath in.
Forgave myself, exhaling.

"I. Love. Sloth and Wealth", I say to myself. I don't despise what should always have been in small quantities. With a will and a way the balance is made, and now we can be a family.

I once;

Burned myself, still texting.
Hurt myself waiting.
Unplugged myself for an evening.
Told myself I was failing.

Here I am!

Producing myself a new mantra.
Singing myself a new song.

If I find myself with blues and a heart bleeding from a sleeve, scabbing, dry and peeling.

I remind myself what love is about and I can feel the universe kiss me.
Love yourself

— The End —