for more months, i talked to his mirror
because he always looked right back at my own
moon-straught face
he always looked clearer.
from there he seldom strayed from perfect,
he never spoke wise
it seemed he was only reciting my words, disguised.
still, the man that i saw,
through silvery sheen
was so much easier to love and to keep evergreen.

i’m  m i s e r a b l e  in your arms
especially when they’re this far
& i know that’s contradicting
i know that doesn’t say if i love you or not
'cause honestly
i don’t know if i love you            or not.
maybe if you were more sunshine than rainy night skies
i wouldn’t feel the need to entertain all these lies.
in my head it’s darker than my skin
& my heart? you’ll  n e v e r  get in
cause it doesn’t belong to me
she has it wrapped around her finger
                                                  it’s hers
                                 just like this poem
                   just like my life
& if i could
i’d probably let her go
if i could
i’d probably find a decent way to love you in a perspective you’ve never known
but i can’t.
i just-
i can’t
& it’s not your fault, believe me
but she's just
she's    e v e r y t h i n g    
& how could you ever compete?
& how could i ever make you?
simple answer: i can’t.
complicated answer: there's a radio in a car somewhere singing her name & even though it’s not my car, my radio does the    exact    same.
but
i’ll put spaces between us & hope it’s enough
i’ll put spaces between   u   s   & hope it’s enough
even though i know it’ll never be
because her? she's it for me
she's-
she's  e v e r y t h i n g .

i can feel you
if you can feel me
an ensemble of two
in this heartfelt misery

driving past the
dead grass
against the grey clouds
my heart turns to metal and
my lungs begin to deflate
as
i get farther from you
i feel the sick start to continue
without your scent to fill my head
and
with out your eyes to steal my dread
i become a boulder
rolling down a steep hill
to be a boulder is treacherous
i hit the small rocks
that
wreck my exterior
breaking off clumps
im losing pieces of myself again

its a mystery
of how you wrap me whole
of how you give me worth

my throat burns
from holding in the sobs

im electrified
when im given your attention
my metal heart melts and
becomes warm
while my lungs inflate with
what smells of sweet cedarwood
and sweat
your skin is hot against mine
and i love the tickle of your body hair
the moments where you squeeze me
are when
my entire being is awoken
shocks of energy
convulse my nerves
and i feel alive
you are my sun
because
without your warming rays
and without your light
i am left cold and blind

I lie beneath the tides and pray for the waves to wash me away. But they do not.

I’m stuck - anchored to the sand by the weight of my sins. My responsibilities are my penance.

I call out for help in my misery but no one can hear. My tears are dissolved; insignificant in the sea of saltwater all around me.

Here is where I will wait- a prison of my own design- the bars forged of loneliness and sorrow; guilt and debt - yearning for the day when you will pull me out to the blissful peace of the deep.

23OCT2019

TW.



I picked up a razor two nights ago,

thinking, would I find solace,
if it’s dragged across my skin?

My mind answered me instantly. 

No, I wouldn’t find solace.

A rip, a tear in skin, a patch of flesh will show

Pain, in the form of blood may flow

But all that will stop

Once I slap a plaster on it. 



Well, that was two nights ago. 


Today, I think about floating into the abyss of the sky

The moment I jump off this 30 story building that is my office. 

The wind would feel better than it has ever

But it will stop, in the form of a doubt

Right before I take off. 



How much longer can I go?
Everyday, the hole in my soul sinks a little deeper.

Every living moment feels like I’m being dragged through a bed of thorns

It hurts, and I don’t know why anymore

I just want to be sure

But I really can’t put a finger on it.

My father’s stony face
Gripped with expressionless, death
He just stares at me
And I tear back

The dirt feels too hard
The world, too cold
I’m saying sorry
But everything just feels wrong

I’m grieving for him
But it’s not him who’s dead
It’s me