A life model
stands bare at the core
of an easel mantle.
She wears her skin
like a flattering summer dress
and I wonder
if she even knows
she's naked.

I transfer her body
to paper
in a hundred charcoal swirls,
suspended evermore
in a breath of smoke.
My teacher says
my style suits me,
and I suspect he's right.

They're alive,
and full of vitality
he tells me,
comparing them to my other,
more refined drawings
and I feel myself
wanting to cry.

I try
to refine my life,
and myself,
as I do my models.
To be contoured
and controlled.
To be precise
and safe
as geometry.

I unfold beneath the frustration
of my clumsy form.

My hands cannot obey
to a command
my heart does not give.

But my heart commands acceptance,
and who am I to deny?
So I must abide,
and learn
to wear my messy heart
like a flattering summer dress
rippling in winters gale.

Sewing buttercups
into a storm.

I'm sorry baby but you can do that for you so I don't have anything for me anymore and you have no worries I love it tho lol okay I'll text your mom if she wants you too but she is still a little too bad she said okay good night but she is so happy I got to see her tomorrow morning so she could have a great time she said thank goodness for you so I don't have anything else for me anymore lol okay so sorry to say I don't want to do that but I'm sorry for you so much but you have a great day and you will see it all together again.

Higher and higher; my love sinks down
I lose the sun, in exchange for the moon
Day by day; it's how we'll get by
I'll dance in the rain; I'll steal your sickness
Breath by breath; I'll be so gentle with you
I want to kiss your pale cheek, give you life.
Lower and lower, but my voice won't falter
I'll sing to the slow rhythm of you heartbeat
And I know you'll smile even though you'll
Be afraid and it will break my heart off into
Another piece, but it's okay, I'll give it to
You, so you'll have something to hold on to.

I'm a boy made out of wood
And with you I know I could
Be painted better than I am now
To befriend an artist like you somehow
My hair and shoes are made of clay
Molded carelessly, messy, you'd say
Fix me, bend me, make me new
But please don't make me into you
Someone made me, someone great
But made of wood, I know my fate
Will be met in a fire, so easy to catch
For I know I'll fall in love with a match.

never mind,
i imagine him saying,
you know i lied.
you were never that beautiful.

he called me stunning and i wanted to say i loved him.
i wanted to say there was no mortal above him.

goddess, he said.

--

i'm seventeen and unfulfilled,
running from myself,
but however fast i am i still can't
get away from this place, from me.

self-destructing souvenirs in my head
why won't they burn away already
there's something empty about this bed
and my heart is growing heavy

--

i don't want to treasure you.
diamonds are always cutting me to shreds,
but they're never on my hands
pretty boys, they never take me to bed.

they just say hello to say goodbye.

I walk alone
I find beauty in the sparkle of the sidewalk when the sun hits it just right
I follow the crack in the concrete like a map
It wasn't meant to be there but I'm glad it is

I'm glad I am

I find beauty where I thought I'd find pain
These are the moments that let me feel sane
Search for beauty where it's least expected
You'll find a shine in your eye and a love that is reckless

But there's beauty in the hectic
Embrace the beautiful when it's messy