There was a version of me
That wanted this
That wanted what I now have
Doing all the “functional” things
Looking alive
But she never could have anticipated this
I hate it
I don’t want it

ANY OF IT!!!

Take all this **** away from me
Just let me live
I know I’m betraying her
I’m betraying her dreams
I don’t want to give up on her
But she was misguided and confused
And now I’m suffering for it
I don’t want this
I don’t want this life
I don’t
I don’t
I don’t

TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!

My heart screams
As the first tears in ages
Well up in my eyes
But they won’t fall
Because I’m not that sad
There’s too much serotonin in me
And dopamine
And norepinephrine
Because I’m ******* drugged
And I want to WEEP
But... I... I can’t...
I’m just unsteady
Unstable
I’m not okay
I’m not okay

I AM NOT OKAY

Can’t feel anything
They drug me so I don’t cut
So I don’t **** myself
Won’t let me drink
Can’t get high
Can’t even **** myself
So instead
I ate... and ate...
Til my stomach hurt
Forcing it down
Feel the carbs increase my heart rate
Tiny bursts of mild pleasure
Turning into gluttonous lethargy
I guess I felt something

I feel ******* drugged
I mean... yeah... I guess I am...
Artificial feelings
Laughing a bit too long...
Missing things...
Miscounting..
I’m just... scattered
But I feel okay
I feel better...?

i’ve been letting the duloxetine
melt on my tongue
in the hopes of speeding up the process
of tricking my brain into quiet

like maybe the bitter taste
will let the thoughts evaporate

Doctor, Doctor
I've trouble with my eyes

Then take these blue pills,
That's what I advise

Oh Doctor, Doctor
My bones are all sore

White pills I prescribe
They'll hurt you no more

But Doctor, Doctor
My heartbeat is waning

Take red pills for that
You'll soon be regaining

Please Doctor, please
My mind fades away

For that, I have gray pills
You'll be sharper today

Its quite shocking Doctor,
My ***** is murky

Take these yellow pills
They'll clear it by Thursday

I mope around Doctor,
My mood's really flat

These rose-colored pills
Will take care of that

You must help me, Doctor,
In bed, I'm a flop

Then try these long capsules
They'll liven things up

Tell me please Doctor,
What's inside these pills?

Why medicine, of course,
To cure all your ills

she ran
from non-existent footsteps
paranoia
kicking in
from a lack of meds.

a white
metal
locked
shack.
with the stench
of bodies.

a stuffy nose
at the worst time
promised her demise.

a peek
in the window
peaked
her curiosity.
with only a splash of red.

another window
left open
to air out the stench
led to
no-longer-****** bodies

and she screamed
but not for very long
because the knife
peirced her neck
and the scream
turned into silence.

The evening wears on
And it starts to wear off
Fog lifting lightly
My thoughts wandering
Into somewhere darker
Something deeper
But soon I’ll be in bed
And I’ll take it again
So when I wake
I don’t go mad