you lose when you let them take your joy
from you
and when you don't ****** it back
it's all on you
the one who is in control
of your life
nobody can take anything that belongs to you
don't let them
****** it back
or else you'll lose

in a van
with an ex-friend.
ex-win
lose again.
sitting in the front
you in the back.
we’re so far
but tension dense.
i sing the same sad songs
a symphony of sorrows.
mis-created mini meals of sensitivity
things won’t ever be the same again.
i lose again
ex win.
with an ex-friend
in a van.

I couldn't write a poem.
I couldn't make an art.
Those things I once enjoyed doing
have faded and become nothing.
Just like when a pen falls...
it starts to lose its ink.
-

Year after year
Day after day
The grief is still the same
It didn’t get better
It didn’t become okay
It swallowed me whole
Refusing to let me go
I shed a tear for everyday without you
The tears are endless like the heartbreak
Days pass and suddenly I’m back to that horrid day
I’m not allowed to shut everyone out for that day
My family refuses to let me
Funny how we all lost you
And yet they still fight me on grieving for the day
But I know you’d smack me upside the head
And ask me why I’m crying
I know you’re at ease and happy
But what I would give for another night on the front porch swing
A night I didn’t know at the time but would become one of the many memories I now hold onto like my life depends on it
But I know it doesn’t
But your memory does
And I use your memory as my life support
I miss you Grandpa
I love you Grandpa
I wish I told you that more often when you were still here

I am constantly
Running from myself
But I am running out of places to go
If I lose myself
I'll lose it all
Everything

I'm worried that I'm forgetting your face.
I'm worried that I'm focusing too much on things that don't matter, and too little on the things that do.
I'm worried that you are fading away because I'm forgetting to let go and live.
I'm worried that I am losing memories because I'm too focused on the big picture.

I know that it doesn't really matter.

I know that people slip through the cracks when you are too lazy or too scared to hold on.
I want to remember your face.
I want to fight to experience the little things.
I don't want to let you fade away because I was too scared to let loose.
I want to make memories and paint the big picture.