He's gone.

And that kinda *****.

He wasn't who I thought he was. He was more capable of anger and ruthlessness than I imagined. Saying things that tear out the most vulnerable parts and stab them to bits.

He was more childish than I thought he'd be for his age. He spends recklessly, doesn't have handsoap in his bathroom, and watches TV from a desk chair.

He was flaky and shady. Giving little information and being dodgy about his phone and whereabouts. He consistently cancelled plans and left me in the lurch.

He was never going to think about someone else for a change or be truly and deeply mindful of his significant other.

He had a sharp tongue and a hard head. If I didn't select every word carefully, he would snap and say horrible things.

He didn't let her go. As much as he would deny it, Priya still has a hold on him. He can't let her go. He would say terrible things about her and then also say I was like her.  He would delete her messages and lie about her texting him. He carried through the trauma and treated me like her. He wanted a relationship to just pick up where that one left off and not put the effort into 'dating'. I was a continuation of his previous relationship - all the history but only the good person.

He was boastful and also self-deprecating.

He drank too much and smoked too much.

He didn't follow through on things he said he would do.

He love bombed me and then pulled away to where I felt empty.

He's gone.

And that kinda *****.

And I'm sad that I still miss him.



-t.s.

juvenile
with your harsh profanities
and gritty teeth
grabbing ahold of me
puncturing my flesh

i want to be more like God
and i’m trying so hard

i read inspirational poetry books in the mirror
and around you,
i smile in fear
do things rehearsed and pre-planned and you don’t even notice
because the main focus
is you

façade strong
happy blushing faces all day long

that’s not who i am
and you’re the one who should know me best
but you don’t.

and i don’t understand how you plan
to take me down to the pits of the earth’s core
because i want to be more
like who i adore
and that’s just not you.

I'm grateful for my mind
But most of the time I wish I could think like everyone else
Not having to always feel the need to be more mature
or look at the bright side of things
Everyone tells me I'm "mature for my age"
So I keep exhausting myself
Wishing I could cut the rope to the tug of war competition in my head
The back and forth of wanting to wallow with the moon but knowing that sunshine will wash away the worry
I want to live without being concerned about what my future self will think of me
I want to be a selfish ignorant teen
But I care too much about how I am perceived to others
And I need adult validation to function

Big dummy, you caught
Run around town like a little thot
Think you know better, but you “no” not

Always out trying to shoot your shot
Scheming on girls like wild thoughts  
Giving out handouts, handouts
Numbers so high like your body count
Name everywhere, you can yell it out