was the spin cycle
and now the water is draining slowly
and the click of the machine after it settles
lets me open the door
I’m tangled up in a matrix of concurrent beliefs.
How do I hold one value right next to another at the same time in my heart?
How do I posture two opposing beliefs at once?
It’s like arm wrestling; a warm union but not pleasant until it’s settled. Our brain likes to have one answer.
Though.. here I am knowing that reaching out to you after all this time is both regress and progress.
shame shares a tight border with shyness
both remind me of being a skittish mutt
I keep hearing that
in order to exist properly
amongst your peers
you need a strong sense of self.
I think that
the stains on my shirt
melancholic playlist in my ears
and agitation with self help websites
might be as good as it gets for my 20's.
and I'm tired of trying to be perfectly healthy all the time.
and I think capacity for constant self awareness is a privilege.
just want to exist and not worry about how I interact with people
Reverberations are the hard part. Navigating something that will inevitably flow through you as if you have any control. Think about it. Someone jumps in the pool you’re in, you have no choice but to let the waves and molecules orbit towards you.
It is what separation feels like. Reverberations of jumping into a pool. The waves lapping out until finally they blend in the whole again.
break ups and death
my cheeks light on fire often. roses. roses on fire. warm summer winds. it's lovely.
feel it in your face too and then read on
when it happens I've tried to pinpoint it:
when i realize i am thinking about ***
when i sing the wrong note in choir
when i try on a form fitting outfit
when my friends are all laughing at once
when i imagine strangers ****
when i see first dates happening
when the teacher calls on me
whenever i talk
whenever i am seen
when i catch eyes with anyone
when i'm late to class
when anyone compliments me
when the champagne lid pops off
so yeah i'm extremely shy and have a passion for living quietly, and whenever i step into the light it feels quite intense
It makes dating hard. Heh.
I've lived somewhere between 25 & 30 homes.
The ones that stick out?
In Portland I rented a micro-studio. No individual unit kitchens: it was 'communal'. Bed came out the wall. Apt description: trendy, affluent, hipsters who want to live communally in theory, but eat out every day instead. Communal kitchen was empty. No one was ever home.
One house in Florida we had a pool and the neighborhood ice cream truck sold drugs. My neighbor took me to the mall sometimes.
In Wisconsin we lived above a bead shop that turned into a dress shop that rented out overpriced prom dresses to everyone. I watched middle-class flock to the shops beneath me. For being a town of 1,000 we had the coolest apartment because I could spy on the whole town and their frequent trips to the bakery.
In North Carolina we lived in a neighborhood called 'beverly hills' and the house was interesting, not very bourgeois as the neighborhood title suggested. I wanted to turn the basement into a gaming center for kids.
In Blank I lived in Blank, it was kind of Blank and I really liked the Blank. From this experience I learned Blank.