If I would have known
I would have laughed a little harder at your jokes
You made me laugh all the time
Just getting to see your goofy side
If I would have known
I would have hugged you in case you ever felt alone,
thanked you for giving me somewhere that felt like home
You were there for everyone even with struggles of your own
If I would have known,
I would have never taken time for granted
Thinking I'd walk in and still see you dancing
If I would have known,
I guess I should have known
I wish you were here beside us
To see your smile light up a room
You were taken way too soon
I wish I knew you better
But I know you'll last forever
If I would have known
That I'd be staring at you all silent,
your eyes closed
I would have made sure that you knew
Even the smallest time I got to be in your life
You made all the difference in mine

When you know it's not you
Then you’ve known another

But is it friend or foe
For you or against you

Your saviour or jailer
Your master or helper

It may oppose but it's not enemy
It rather flatters for pride leads to fall

Perhaps it's neither for you nor your foes
But for itself as it befits its own

If asked it will say it is what it is
And what another may say I don't know

It has been three Tuesdays since I lost you.
I will never forget seeing you, just lying there.
I went to our regular coffee shop, at the regular time.
For the second week in a row I ordered both our drinks.

It has been nine Saturdays since I lost you.
The drugstore called yesterday and said your medicine needed to be picked up.
I picked it up.

It has been seven episodes of that show you like, since I lost you.
Most of the things on the DVR are yours.
I’m just not ready to delete them. It’s the little things.
I don’t think I can just yet.

It is the first Thanksgiving since I lost you.
Dinner at my parents was nice, but no one mentioned you.
I canceled Christmas with your parents.
They said they understood.

It has been twenty-two Sunday walks in the park since I lost you.
More than once, my friends told me it is time to pick up and move on.
What is so important about moving on? I lost someone I love.

It has been dozens of mornings waking up and not seeing you asleep.
You are more than someone I wanted to spend my life with.
You were a comfort, a constant, a habit.

It has been five months since I have heard you tell me you love me,
and the memory is starting to fade. I can’t lose it too.

It has been one hundred seventy-four days, sixteen hours, and twenty-one minutes since I lost you.
To him.

it's july
and we're falling out of bars
incense clinging to our hair
chasing the last
of the saccharine sun
each strawberry stained kiss
introducing us to god

it's july
and we're hiding
under satin sheets
moonlight dancing
upon naked flame
sticky fingers
trying to hold us together
your teeth find my skin
and i can never find the words
to tell you how you've marked me
like spoiled fruit
in the summer heat

it's july
and each amber scented day
leaves me longing
for the month we stole
your eyes met mine
and it felt like a wound mending
before slipping away
with the autumn breeze

it's july
and all i can see is you.

Astonishment,
Admonishment,

Quivering lies through the eyes of arrogance doubt.

Fancy hearing the turbid tones of truth as the skies fall upon….you.

Yet you blame.

Shame for shame, playing your endless games.

Ill-guided moresence proves the downfall of all,
Your ill-fated squalor talks more than you know.

Yet your speech is mute to yourn.

Baited falter,
Caught in your own web.

I will listen to yours no longer.