When I see the tension creep into your shoulders
As you hunch over your keyboard,
A spring coiling, about to explode -
When I hear the expletives crashing on walls
From outside my door -
When I can no longer breathe
The caustic, charged air -
I have two choices:
(I will not - can not fight)
I can freeze,
Make myself small,
Become the doe
With eyes locked straightforward,
Glassy, removed...
Or
I can grab the headphones,
Change into running shoes,
Caress my lithe curves,
And feed my body to the sky,
As I fly.
When you refuse to take care of yourself -
I must be my own protector,
And this fierce goddess
Is beholden to no one.

Do not lie to me
Because I see crystal clear
And I am begging you to say
The phrase I need to hear

Those magic heavy words
Would make my reality live
This precious fleeting gift
Could be the one you give

Though life and love hurt
The pain feels good
Slices old wounds open
Once more like it should

I am done with tears
And over-dissection
No more obsessing
Over beauty and perfection

With nowhere to run
I am floating in a freeze
I am trapped in a body
No one else sees

I’ve toyed with fight or flight,
Had it freeze me in a nitrogen bath.
At the very innocuous sight of a face.
But the face just denoted
The crushing fear, that swallows me whole.
So I’m a runner and
I’ll hide in anything, including a frozen mind.
If I could I’d fight
One of these days I will fight.
But, battles of the self, need to be chosen carefully.
So I’ll just keep toying with flight
Until I’m sure that fight won’t end me

I do not draw you.
But my memory of you.
A time in my life,
the moment lost.
With only a memory left behind
that withers everyday.
I do not draw you
to preserves you,
who lives well off
in a warm home
in a cold country.
But I draw you
who lit my mind,
and froze my heart in an eternal hope
The only you I could ever love,
yet never love.
The one who burns my life
one day a time.
The one who I must forget.

every year the rivers and lakes freeze over
and sometimes i think maybe my heart does too

Icy doilies
Murmuring
Dropping illusions
Of pledges and confirmations

A bitter day
Visions of amore
The avenues we choose
Decide our fate

Bobbing, pirroetting, snow
Composing a concord
Of abashment and bedlam
Tipping to and fro

Advising mice and squirrels
Not to venture outside
Lest they be swallowed
By a blustering freeze

Sputter and cough
Wheeze and wallow
Litter the earth
With frosty white tears

Today I learned
That tears don’t freeze
Even when it’s nineteen degrees above zero

Even when they stream down your cheeks
They refuse to solidify

Today I learned
That tears warm up the body
better than they warm up the soul

Today I learned
that it is easiest to feel most alone
when the man I love walks beside me

I welcome psychotic breakdowns
Ugly crying
Violent arguments
And overwhelming bad news

Don’t worry
Each disturbing moment
Is just a chapter in my story
A short clip
In the kaleidoscope montage
That is my reality

Capture a heart wrenching moment
In three second bursts
And repeat
Until there's an hour of footage
So when it's done
Twenty years will have passed
From the first moment
To the last

In a futures world
I'll be better off
In a successful career
Traveling the world
Not famous enough to be recognized
But known enough to be quoted
For a line of my solemn life
To be an everyday phrase
Recounting my memories to strangers
Creating inspiration for the broken

Freeze frame.
And rewind.
Because this isn't my movie.

I'm in someone else's tale
No matter how tragic my back story is
I'll stay locked in
As a background character
A bully?
A victim?
A destroyer?
A teacher?
An enemy?
A friend?
Will they know I'm their co-star?
Will they make room for me on screen?
Will they even notice my presence?

I'll be forgotten
Lost in a sea of miniscule roles
So these disturbing moments
Won't be reduced to three seconds
And there'll be no Twenty years later flash forward
I'll be stuck in every second
Forever pushed to the sidelines
Forever questioning
If the next person I meet
Will be the main character
In this movie I'm trapped in