It was 3 degrees outside
She wore a purple fuzzy headband that seemed to cover her entire head
Her large and puffy grey coat went to her knees
A grey turtleneck underneath
And those clunky duck boots
While everyone else smiled at the weekend at 3 on a Friday
She looked confused
I could only imagine what she was thinking about

It was 58 degrees outside
The headband gone
She has blonde hair that’s up in a ponytail more often than it isn’t
The coat is gone but the turtleneck is still there
It’s striped this time
She still wears the duck boots since the snow is melting away
And there are puddles with every step
She’s smiling and laughing on the phone
Trying to explain directions
I can only imagine who she’s talking to

I can see it
I can see my future in the way her hair is flipping back and forth as she walks
I can see my future in the way her face lights up when she laughs
I can see my future in the way she curls her hands into her sleeves
I can see my future in how she tries to avoid a puddle but then steps into a deeper one
I can see my future in the way that puddle ripples around her
I can see my future in the way the melting snow seems to glimmer when she passes it

I learned she got the headband for free once
When she spent too much money at her favorite store
Her grey coat is a family company she’s obviously loyal to
The grey turtleneck is from the place she got the headband from
Obviously, she tells me with an eye roll and a laugh
The duck boots keep her feet dry, even if they’re not very warm
She looked confused because she was leaving economics, her hardest class
She had just learned a new concept that all of her classmates understood
But for some reason, she couldn’t wrap her head around it

She likes that her hair is blonde
But knows it’ll turn brown one day, like her mom
So she gets highlights put in, knowing it won’t help, but hopes anyway
She’s always wearing turtlenecks because she’s always cold
It’s from the same store as the other one
Obviously
The duck boots are her favorite and her feet like them too much to wear other shoes
She’ll never admit it
But she steps in the deeper puddles on purpose because she likes how they splash
She was on the phone with her friend from high school
Directing her to the lot to park in
She’s staying over this weekend

I was right when I said my future was in her
It’s in the hair
The jacket
The turtlenecks
The headband
The boots
The confused look
The happy one
The eye roll
The laugh
The puddles
The snow
My future is her

When my eyes are closed
The world is beautiful
Suspended in the ethereal sound
Of my own mind working like
A ticking clock
There is music in here
It reminds me of a simpler time
Of green grass and the summer wind
Laughter and peaches
The sticky remains wetting my lips
Almost like a kiss
Or maybe
The kiss is what lingered there
Reminding me of the peaches instead
The first laugh
And the second
And the third
When I turn my sight from the present
I can remember clearly
Dancing in noiseless basements
Lying on the asphalt of an abandoned driveway
Entertaining the stars with our talks
Discussions of the world and our dreams
Of theories and beliefs and imaginings
I can feel the bravery
And the fear
The shivering rush of you
Making my spine quiver
Oh I remember
My heart has never raced so hard
My blood was never so warm
I experienced you less like a first love
And more like a thunderstorm
In awe and terrified all at once
I've never missed fear before
I fell in love with you
The way the angels fell from heaven
It felt like revival
Like coming home
Loving you felt like drowning
And flying all at once
The touch of your hand strengthened me
The loss of it shattered me
You were an earthquake
A beautiful disaster
The first truly lovely thing
And the last truly devastating
I loved you with urgency of a monsoon
With the power of a raging flood
With the mercy of the blooms in spring
And the honesty of fresh fallen snow
I grieved you when you left
I'd never felt a pain so sharp
A despair so intense
Mourning the loss of you
Was a darkness on my heart
An island of anxious thoughts
Endless nights and wary eyes
My cheeks were chapped and raw
Months were spent in silence
I couldn't speak your name
But I could scream it
And I did
I'd never begged before
But my god I begged for you
I bled myself dry for the stars
Hoping for a glimpse
Willing your face to appear
At the bottom of those stairs and then
It didn't
That hole was never filled
That place never taken
Thunderstorms crumbled to dust
The stars faded in the city light
And rain felt like muddy pant legs
Nothing was beautiful or true
I found solace in the arms of strangers
I became a stranger myself
In the end I found myself missing you anyway
Though the person I am doesn't know you
And the person I was is gone
My soul recognizes those eyes
And it will never let you go

I’ve been told not to get to attached to people,
Because when they eventually leave I’ll get hurt and that got me thinking that the being scared to be happy is the worst fear
I know being so scared to get hurt that I became almost get scared of closeness,
if I get punched enough a open hand is almost a closed fist,
if I get my heartbroken enough, love almost seems like a tragedy.
I know that I used the word almost because I’m still scared to admit all of this,
I know only the words you’ve told me, even your lies could become my truths and I would never know the difference
So lie to me
Cause I wanna be attached (hurt) by you

I want to be your
first kiss,
first love,
first home
I want to be your
last kiss,
last love,
last home.
I suppose that's selfish of me
to want so much of you.
And
I know I'm not your
first kiss,
first love,
or
first home.
At least I'll be your
last kiss,
last love,
last home.
I'll be your last adventure
in life.
I hope that's ok to be
your last dance.

Patio at midnight
Begging you
To blow out your candles
And make a wish
But you say
“Wishes are only granted
To those who believe”
You just aren’t lucky enough
To get what you hoped for
But you just might
Tonight
Grasping my hand
Leading the way
Uncharted waters
Crimson Lips
Unfiltered thoughts

loved     -    y o u       -    kissed      
                                  
                             &

                       cried for  
                            you
                            too.­

You only live life once, they say.
You only have one mom, one dad, and you only have one first car.
Well, I don’t care.
You only lose your virginity once, have one firstborn, you only have one death, they say.
Well, having *** for the first time is no different from having *** for the second time
Despite both archaic views on biology
And the backwash of a society that values peaking by young adulthood.
Children are neither here nor there,
And I don’t care about death.
Youth has been romanticized to the point of fetishization.
The plethora of coming-of-age novels and films represent this.
We live in a culture obsessed with youth,
It’s connotations,
Innumerable “firsts”,
Peaking by young adulthood.
Is it simply because children and teens are more easy to market to, being a perpetually existing group?
Is it because in a culture with such drastically differing generations, youth provides a connecting wire between them?
Is it because of the amount of people who look back from their mundane lives and fall into nostalgia’s pit?
Or something else?