It took a few months
Before I knew I was ready
Once, I wanted you to touch me
But after the physical excitement faded
I knew I needed more time first
It's the longest I've waited
I needed to know how I felt about you
Before *** interfered with that
It wasn't about physical gratification for me
Though my body appreciated it too
I knew I wanted to share that intimacy with you
To be vulnerable in the the barest of forms
I wanted to give you all of me
Emotionally and physically
It felt different in the best way
And I still don't know what to call it
"*******" is too emotionless
"***" is too
But "making love" is too odd a phrase for me
But it could've been
Before, I was scared
(another first)
But in the moment I wasn't
Kissing you felt natural
Without the pressure of hyper-sexuality
It felt real and raw
Unlike anything I've had before
It's always been too physically focused
I'm used to the roughness
Used to the pleasure in pain
But you were so gentle
It felt different but I loved it
Because it was so you
Your touch and your heart
Gentle, kind, genuine, good
The things I'm usually into
I can't say I want to do with you
Because even though they're good and consensual
They may come from a place of darkness
And I wouldn't want to taint your gorgeous light

That tree that stood tall...
 
Years of knowledge ingrained in its ligaments...
(Numerously choked by its own rings)
 
I still see our carvings...
(The haunting scars imbedded deep into the bark and our memories.)
 
Hieroglyphic memorials for our first everything...
(The dates of which things died.)

The knot furled into its center...
(Forget-me-nots decaying at its very roots.)
 
Do you remember?
(How hard was it to forget?)

the gods fawn over our love.
they spent so much time
on us it seems.
sprinkling us with beauty and aligning our
stars.
i'm reminded of how moments evanesce,
but ours, they span lifetimes.
and as our lips touch clumsily
like children learning on a street corner,
what it means to love another
for the first time,
they watch.
we, as their creation, glow
and you can see this light
for miles.

I love you
came out of your mouth
for the first time
without the dustings of
obligation.
at 23,
for the first time,
I believed it.

Trumpet made that jazzy sound
Anywhere is fine, noisy and not alone
Solace because the daydreams have ended
Away from trouble which is mostly my phone

Grey eyes gripping blue fairy lights; faces locked
Last call for drinks and the Trumpet stopped
Aggressively aware of the small room in between
Embraced the truth with a soul that's clean

I remember the first breath of life
the blinding light of an innocent world
and the warmth of love and endearment.

I remember the first wobbly steps
through gurgles of a language only I understood
and the toothless smile reflected off my twin on the wall.

I remember the first spark of friendship
when I laughed and you laughed
and we smiled as the red string around our fingers tightened.

I remember the first pounding of my heart
when I locked eyes with smiling eyes
and I swore my heart was racing with the winds.

I remember the first ***** of betrayal
with screams and stares of hate and anger
hands trembling as we cut off the tied red string on our fingers.

I remember the first swell of pride
when I presented a night’s worth of work
and was showered with praise and adoration with smiles painted everywhere.

I remember the first door to literature
with the intoxicating smell of ink and weathered down pages
and lives spoken through words and feelings.

I remember my first shattered heart
frozen and numb with shock and acceptance
with thoughts only on why?

I remember the first light of love
through hugs and accepting smiles
adding to my growing smile and happiness.

I remember the first heartfelt separation
with happy excitement and tearful goodbyes
as I left without looking back.

I remember the first new beginning
as I stared at the foreign neighborhood
and wondered about the million possibilities that laid within it.

I remember the first dawning realization
when I stood alone and clueless
and knew that nobody would come to help me.

I remember the first timid attempt
as I spoke up and tried to connect
desperately clawing myself out of my protective hole.

I remember the first true smile
laughing and giggling and chuckling with friends
in the open air of freedom away from the confined hole.

I remember the first repeats into my shell
when being brave and assertive was too much
and the hole seemed so much more than just a jail.

I remember the first self-hatred
with fear imprinted in my eyes
and how could I let myself continue this way?

I remember the first new change
from the moldable girl who lost her way
to the fiery girl who decided to carve her own path.

I remember the first self-love
when I looked in the mirror and didn’t flinch
as I saw a beautiful girl who worked for what she wanted.

I remember many things,
many firsts of my life,
many positives and negatives,
many unforgettable moments,
which still continue on within a girl;
on and on until the end of time.

I remember when I saw you
for the first time years ago
You brushed me off without a glance
I thought "that's someone I should know"

Time went by and walls came down
I softened your demeanor
It took some work, but I won out
Because, hell...you couldn't get much meaner

A first is always tougher
No matter what it is you do
But, each first is well worth living
If I can have my first with you

A few months in another first
You met my folks and friends
when I brought you to that birthday do
The one I wished would never end

You took your time and wore me down
Another first came soon
I remember how your body shone
All sweaty 'neath the moon

A first is always tougher
No matter what it is you do
But, each first is well worth living
If I can have my first with you

We married six months after that
In a year our first was born
I can't remember which one cried the most
You, or our baby, just new born

Our first house came, we bought a dog
Things were off and at full speed
But with all of our achievements
You were the one thing I'd still need

A first is always tougher
No matter what it is you do
But, each first is well worth living
If I can have my first with you

We opened up our business
The first of many more to come
It wasn't that successful
but it was still our number one

I remember that day's phone call
The doctor said "I've bad news for you"
He told me of the tumour
I'd passed first and was stage two

Through radiation and my chemo
You were the one who was always there
I remember when you came in
And you had shaved off all your hair

A first is always tougher
No matter what it is you do
But, each first is well worth living
If I can have my first with you

I've been gone now for a while
I know it's tough, but I'm around
I can see you and our child
Even though I'm in the ground

There'll be more firsts now together
I know it just won't be the same
But, still it's firsts and your'e together
Like when we first played out this game

A first is always tougher
Even though it's not with me
But, each first is well worth living
Just make it the best that it can be

you know when you go to someone's house and the only conditioner they have is two in one?
running into you felt like the polar opposite of that.
above us and within us was poetry in bloom
and hours later we found ourselves in my best friend's room
with our hair intertwined
because those who know both of us
thought you should be **mine.