I remember nothing of my childhood.
I just remember red. I
remember mum crying in my arms when i was 8.
I remember you- not a lot.
I only remember those last moments.
The ***** running down your legs. I remember the knot on the bed but not your face.
I remember becoming the family therapist after that. I remember all the times I had to grow up before I was 10.
I remember what was suppose to be my childhood.
But I never got to have one.
Once our sister was old enough to remember I wanted to save her but now when i look at her and what she does I'm sure I failed her too. But someone who is 10 should not be raising her sister.
She grew up never knowing you.
I grew up even faster after losing you.
It's selfish i know to want you here to take some of the responsibility away from me. So that I don't have to deal with mums stress seizures alone. Or raising our sister. Because if you were here we would have a childhood.
And i could lean on you, just like you could have always leaned on me. I wish you were still alive.
you are the only other person has has gone through loosing her too. But you instead saw what she did as a lesson to learn not something to avoid, I hate you for killing yourself when I needed you the most. I hate you for not ******* talking to me and leaning on me. but we were kids. you never got to grow up. So I did it for both of us and started early.
I can't really remember my childhood.
And could really use the memory of ours right about now.
Even if it never happened.

Let me tell you a bedtime story. It goes
Once upon a time there was a girl born for void filling purposes, She cried till they told her to stop and she never cried again.
She learned everything perfectly and extremely well.
Then her best friend died.
Then her brother killed himself.
She decided to get high. and lost her drive but she didn't care and said all the swears. She ***** and lies but she always listened and never cried.
Her womanly emotions would not get the best of her. Instead she stuffed them into a shoe box that she hid behind all the skeletons and needles she keeps in the closets.
The Girl was born to fill a void.
Used as a vault for all the faults of those around her.
She was meant to fill a void.
But then
her best friend shot herself in the head while she watched.
then she found her brother dead.
And she lost her drive.
The girl is older now.
She still has no drive, but she has this void that needs to be filled. and tears in her eyes.

Thank you for calling me beautiful even when I know I look like a mess
Thank you for dealing with my mood swings
Thank you for listening when I tell you my gossip
Thank you for holding me so tightly
For not letting me slip away
Thank you for being there even when you don’t want to be
Thank you
Just for being you

Sometimes I worry about the things
That are out of my control
But I most worry about the thing that are and I choose not to
I always make stupid decisions
And I’m not stupid so I don’t know why I do it
Sometimes I feel like I’m such an idiot
But I never try to change
I feel like I can’t try, like the idea
to try, to do, to not **** it all up,
Doing okay is in my control
But I decided to worry about things that aren’t in my control
Instead of doing okay

Loving you is like being on fire
It’s like having a flat but not knowing how to change a tire
It’s like going on a car trip
Not knowing you get car sick
I just wish that you could understand
Maybe, you’re not ready to be my man
Maybe just maybe you’re still in a faze
Locking with other girls gazes
Maybe it’s possible you can’t be loyal
You grabbed my throat and shaped me as if I were foil
Do you even know what you’ve done
No you don’t, because your new life has only just begun