It hurts so much to eat
Then it hurts so much to stop
One or the other
Which will it be?

As of now I'm 150 pounds
This is considered "overweight"
I want to be skinny so bad
But only so others can see

In hopes that they'll help me...

The fat friend
The ugly sister
The dumb classmate
The second choice
That depressed girl
The hated child
The *****
The ugly duckling
The girl that will
never be good enough..

I look at myself and don't like what I see. My disgusting body stares back at me.
I try different things to make me a little thinner. Like purging myself or skipping my dinner.
The voice inside my head tells me I'll never be beautiful unless I'm thin,
so I start counting calories until I feel attractive in my own skin.
Every food I eat is no longer tasteful. It's just more calories entering my body and makes me feel shameful.
I hope to someday to be the thin girl hiding underneath my fat. The girl that can touch her stomach and it would be flat.

Maybe I'll always be fat,
I take after my Dad, that's that,
Must accept that I am fat,
Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat,
That's what Moomba in Melbourne means, you cats,
"Let's get together and laugh at the fat!"
Obesity looms,
A voice of doom,
I'll eat chocolate soon,
Must accept that I am fat,
That's about all about that!

Let me tell you about how I run
There are a couple of ways but none of them are fun.

There's a "move the **** out of my way" kind of run
Shot at by some man with a gun
Running over old ladies and children
To get the hell out and save my own skin
Kind of run...

And there's the "cliche blonde running through my head all day"
Where I don't get exercise, but she seems to sweat away
The pounds of brains until I'm dumbfoundedly dumb
And I find myself passed out on the couch with a bottle of ***
And a headache that makes me want to blow my brains out
Cause I can't get some Aspirin and a good woman to ******* out
Kind of run...

And there's the angsty little man that runs from home
Fighting his abusive dad and his best friend "hormone"
When he gets a kick in the nuts named reality
and a left hook to the face named puberty
by Mike Tyson riding a bison
Who leans over and whispers "you lost the fight son"
Kind of run...

Then there are the times when I run my fingers over the typewriter
Making more mistakes than a single stared wasted waiter
Running my imagination that nobody wants to hear on a page
A ******* that nobody will ever notice on stage
Lost in cut out hearts and origami cranes
and on washed out newspapers on old broken trains
kind of run...

However, there is a time when I actually get off my *** to run
But It hurts cause I'm a beached walrus with my *** in the sun
Flopping on land and trying to swim through concrete
Unable to see that I have 2 feet
cause there are 2 feet of fat that is constricting my view
Of who I am and what I'm really able to do
Kind of run...


And this is the part of the poem when I run away to Spain
Clearly, I can’t run that far so I guess I’ll take a plane
And I’ll bring the beautiful blonde with me in a first class spa
And I’ll walk into Spain saying “Su casa es mi Casa
But it will never be the other way around
Cause if I see you on my property you’ll be six feet underground
Kind of run...

Let's talk about this.
Because I feel like I'm about to fall into that deep abyss.
Again.
So, let's listen to me then.
I want this to end.
You keep on talking about my weight.
I'm sure you do this, to motivate.
I know I'm ugly because I'm fat.
I know you all have been thinking that.
"Your shirt is looking a little tight."
"I'm sure you have a big appetite."
"Here I bought you a shirt that's 3 times the size you actually are!"
"You have a two piece swimsuit?! That's bizarre!"
Just leave me alone!
I get it, I've grown!
We are all going to die.
So why do you care so much about my BMI!?

I am obsessed with becoming a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, I don't want to hate myself anymore
I will keep drinking zero calorie sparkling water and doing sit ups until my stomach aches and smiling through the painful runs
because **** it
its going to be worth it
I don't need the dinner roll
I don't need the candy
I just need to be proud of my body.
I am on a journey to being healthy, and it may be a little bit twisted but it will end good, I just know it.

Feeling the fat upon myself, is a pain I'd always known
I look in the mirror and wish I could see my collarbones.
I want to be that girl who's thin and beautiful.
But instead I'm the one with big thighs and that's inexcusable.
I hope one day to be the skinny girl I know that's inside me.
The girl with her collarbones, everyone can see.

Tus patas tamalonas, your fat feet
Fat feet
That makes the ground tremble as I take a step
My feet are flat
To be closer to the earth
God wanted me to remain grounded
To grow roots before I yearned for the sky
My grandma's feet:
Callous, hard, dry
Her feet were old books filled with handwritten poems
Romantic love journals
Her callous feet had to get like that
So that thorns and nails could no longer hurt
My grandmothers' travesia was grand
Her feet were so eager to move on
That they walked on their own
Patas! Patas tamalonas!
Grandmother would tickle my feet
And I'd laugh
Grandma, why do we get feet?
Because God wants us to walk mijo
Even when your feet are flat
Fat, uneven, or they hurt you must always walk
Stand up when they try to force you to sit down
Because those feet are yours
Today I walk, following your footprints
My fat feet being embraced by the hot sand
As I follow the sound of the waves
There you are
Waiting for me at the edge...