old habits approach me like dealers in the darkness. their faces hidden by shadow, their intentions vivid as they whisper wonderful promises of release, of escape and of freedom.
i tell them no, push them away, i attempt to stray towards the light. they grab my wrist and spin me around, holding tight as they look me in they eyes and whisper "you're not going anywhere".
i try to hold out, but the fear is building up inside, and i'm not sure if i am strong enough to fight back, to win this constant battle. i want to scream for help, i want to cry out in desperation, but i am drowning.
false ideas and hopes thrown into one simple decision that was supposed to make things better; it was supposed to make things better.
instead of feeling like i'm constantly drowning in my home town, i've moved across the country and now i'm suffocating under day to day life and the fact that things have so far only been getting worse.
thinking, hoping, wondering. for so long it was a question of when life would begin to progress forward - until now, when it is happening.
am i ready? can i handle this? for so long i'd only dreamed of the mere possibility to the point that, perhaps, i never believed it would happen.
and now, here i sit. wondering. everything i've been waiting for, everything i've been working towards. every day when i thought i couldn't go on, every night when i didn't want to; the dream was all that held me.
and now it is here. and i sit. wondering. am i ready?