I never knew the hate and jealousy was so real,
Now not knowing what to listen to, what to think or how to feel,
The light that lives inside me burns with purpose,
Maybe theirs would too,
if they actually protected their vibe,
Changed the people they hang with,
you know,
really found their tribe,
I’ve heard the words of family, the lies spewed through their teeth,
All because they couldn’t be little ol me,
Fake smiles, I love you’s, and walking contradictions,
They didn’t think I’d see the truth that the whole time I’ve been missing,
It’s not love, it’s jealousy and greed,
When they thought I wasn’t looking they sowed a seed,
Ignorantly not knowing what they do,
Cause, Everything you send out comes right back to you,
The darkness I have endured, they thought no one would ever know,
But The veil has been lifted,
now everyone can enjoy the show

how awe inspiring
a love derived from love
a love derived from fear
everything i ever felt
has led me to this wretched "here"
pull my hair like you pull my heartstrings
im sure we'll do just fine
everything i have ever known about you
has made me want to call you "mine"
you are strong in more ways than one
a lover has not needed to commit such felonies as me
"well... that was fun"
and
"i cant believe how long that took you to see"
rattling keys doused in ivory peace
lovely lovely souls masked by a need to feel first at least
at last
i have longed for a day of fulfillment
yet today i am met with nothing but turmoil
this hellbound love does not feel heavensent
but this day is the day in which i refuse to recoil
i would not be the same without you
R

I can still remember how you smiled at me,
I know I'm not the reason of your smile
But I don't care. Because it gave me purpose.
I also remember your laugh, your hair,
Every inch of you is engraved in my mind.
You are really beautiful and I envy him so much.

Alice Coltrane, your music brings something out of me,
Something nameless
something I keep buried.
As I lay on this bare mattress, humming along to “Turiya And Ramakrishna”
I ponder if you knew your legacy.
If during those last days in 2007, you ever thought your work could inspire poets of the next generation
or was that even a question lingering between your tempels?
Perhaps not.

Well as this pen dances to the melodies you wrote,
I think, and think
and blink
and sink
I wonder if my last hours will happen a year from now or a decade
or a month
or a week
And what will remain of my creations
Have I touched enough lives
Have I loved enough souls
Have I danced enough
Gave enough
Laughed enough?

I envy the sand devoured by oceans
because it’s simply moving on to its next life
I envy photographs because their moments last forever
I envy the tortoise’s shell
I envy the hourglass because its fate is no mystery
I envy those who do not envy
I envy the days before sundials
when days simply couldn’t fit onto paper squares

I...don’t want you to worry.
I am a spark
Finite but furious
bright, unstable, contagious
and capable of lighting your way before I fade

At least I hope.

Girls like her peak in High School
Always thin
Good at everything
Great at sports
Beautiful
Lots of friends
Outgoing
Confident

Girls like me?
A wallflower
I'm not alone
I have sort-of-friends
I'm a shadow in the back of the class
Always silent
Mid-season I'm failing
Getting grades up just enough
for the final report card to say I'm "smart"
Fool the colleges i do
Silently being the only one who doesn't understand
But the class is moving on without you
Crying because I'm "not good enough"
Below/Average at sports
Never good enough for the team
Stuck on the sidelines
Always watching
My life is a TV program
I laugh and watch
But never feeling a part of it
I'm just a spectator

Girls like her peak in college too
Even more beautiful then before
A boyfriend to match
And a petite body that looks great in everything
Flying through college
Instagram model

Girls like me?
Flunked my first year
Home i go
More clueless than ever
"I changed my major" i tell them
I put on the act
"I know what I'm doing"
It's all a lie
A mask I wear
Falling apart inside
Feeling despair
The tears come easy
They come fast
How long will this misery last?
Comparing, Comparing
It's a bigger high school now
Except no one gives a **** this time round
I did this to myself
Want to fix it
Is it too much to ask for a win?
Medication helps the focus
I am making a plan

I'm learning
I'm finding myself
It's okay to take my time
It's okay if I'm a little slow
So why do i feel like I'm just fooling myself?
Everyone has a different path
I haven't given up
I haven't stopped moving
So why i am walking the treadmill?
Moving but still in the exact same spot?

I'm jealous of girls like her
They got it all
Wish things were different
Wish i was given their hand
Cause fate has delt me a rough one

She gets the grassy meadow
I get the stormy mountain
She gets prince charming
I'm still waiting
She uses her wit to defeat the witch
I escape and run through books and other things that distract

What is wrong with me?
Why can't i be good at things?
Why is this so hard?
I wish things came easy.

We were friends
Me and her
And i hate the green monster
that leaves me with this jealous anger

Stay away
Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat
All they do is cause me harm
All the doubts and pain creeps back
I keep reopening the wound.
Those negative thoughts i though were gone?
Well they are buried in the back of my mind ready to resurface.

This is just the beginning of my story
I know this
I am destined for greater things
I know this
I will make it
I know this
I will graduate
I know this

Yet, Girls like her
Leave me with lies that echo...