13 pills
5 in the morning
8 in the evening

I have to swallow them
One by one
Just to stay sane

They catch in my throat
Choke my screams on their way out

Keep my tears at bay
Before they fall

They slow the voices
In their chatter

Keeping the anxiety
From grasping and pulling at my heart
And pooling in the pit of my stomach

Or...

At least they're supposed to.

But my screams
Still stain the air

I still hear voices
Bouncing back and forth
In my skull

My heart clenches
My stomach tightens
With the anxiety that is supposed to be gone

And still I swallow
8 pills each night
5 pills each morning

13 pills each day

November three
haven't you realized, its getting spooky
the way the days go on
and the way you forget its already dawn.

its twelve thirteen
I can't stop thinking
honey, are we going to win?
by the way, are you still fighting?

I can't keep doing this every day
I can't keep this charade
I need to see You here with me
To see why I was made

I know You're up there in the sky
I know You love me so
I scream for You to take me out
I'm drowning down below

I stretch my hands to touch Your face
I strain so hard I cry
But even though I try my best
I can't. You're up too high

So now I lay here on the floor
A mess of dark and light
The light so dim I fear it's death
As daytime turns to night

I sleep the night away so numb
I can't see right from wrong
I sin and sin and sin and sin
And then, I hear Your song

It wakes me from darkened trance
I see how far I've run
I feel the light that comes with day
With light I see the Sun

And once again I live my life
Until at once I don't
I reach for you, but fall asleep
The Son will rise, I won't

I can feel my heart turn to rot inside me
I used to be so full of love
So full of life

But now I spend my days alone
And it is nobody's fault
Except for my own

I can't believe I fell for you so hard
God, why am I so stupid?
I knew that you and I could never be

It would be easier to make a quiet exit from the world
And I wonder
Do you even care?

behind the curtains behind the back
behind the new spaces
behind the back new curtains behind the back
new means old and vice versa
behind back behind back
behind back behind back
my

gone day and gone hour
wasn't it always the case
what is always our every hour
we were with red napkins
and all forever they spun and flew
we have with us somewhere near namely
behind back behind back behind your
and my

31.10.18

When that sliver of daybreak tugs at your eyes
Wake up to unexplored possibilities
Stretch your body in gratitude
Embrace the gift of a new day
Open your heart to a compassionate view
Welcome the sun as she rises for you
Ground into this world and listen for what you need
There is work to be done
In the streets and in your own heart
Start from the root

thunderstorm thunderstorm thunderstorm
rose rose rose
sun sun sun
happiness happiness happiness
and sadness and sadness and sadness
and lightning and lightning and lightning
and light and light and light
and hello and hello and hello

day day day
night night night
stars stars stars
fog fog fog
and songs and songs and songs
and white and white and white
and around and around and around
and sky and sky and sky

30.10.18