when the ice breaks beneath our feet
will you wake up next to me
in the hospital bed?
with an intravenous drip in
your forearm again.
the aroma of ammonia perforates my
limbic system and emotions and memories
just gush into me relentlessly,
sheer bliss funnels through
the corridors and chemical stores
and finds its rest in my room.
the walls are moist with dopamine.
my bones could break with the weight of
this happiness and it'd only drag on
for longer.
i'd wake up laughing and it made
everyone uncomfortable.

growing up they didn't tell you that love hurts
only that it's one of the best things you'll ever experience
and also one of the worst things you'll feel
they don't tell you how stressful love is
or how late you stay up crying
they only tell you how good it feels to be with someone
and not how to keep living when they leave
they don't tell you that one day someone will decide that they don't love you anymore
and you can't change their minds
they don't tell you that you'll be on the ground watching him leave right out the front door
they don't tell you that your first love won't be your last
but the first of many because you're looking for all the other fish in the sea but none of them could even amount to that first love you had when you were young, foolish, and naive
they don't tell you that love is only a chemical state of mind
and all of this that you're feeling is because you let it be more than what you think
and
they don't tell you that heartbreak hurts much more than falling
they don't tell you that once you fall, you might not get back up
they don't tell you that love may never come your way
and while you're waiting there's others who have that love they don't deserve
which is what you deserve
yet you're here...
alone...
sad...
stuck
wishing for a love
that may never come

I can't take this **** nuh more
I haven't been healthy since
Nine ******* teen
Plus two years and I found the way to love myself
First step hit the corner for the bottom shelf
Second, retire to my tomb of a bedroom
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
drinkin for two, staunching wounds
with alcohol
breathin in toxic air through filters
for my chemical fix
I can't stand that my lungs hurt, my heart burns
I exhale hard and
I see black tar pull away in smoke form
Knowing I'm black inside, too
What do I do but spark one more white tip

Today, I feel extra heavy,
Each movement, taking more effort than normal.
My mind is feeling clouded,
A dense fog settling in every crevasse.
Today, I am tired.
Not the I-didn't-get-enough-sleep kind of tired,
But an exhaustion of the mind and body.
To describe how I feel, only two words come to mind,
"Chemical imbalance"
Two words that tell me that how I feel isn't real
It's only the result of my brain feeling sick.
But what if I'm truly just sad?
What if everything I feel is real?
The thing about what ifs is that they're sad
They're depressing.
Thinking of the things that could be,
What if things could be happier,
Or what if things could be worse.
And what if the thing wrong with my brain
Is just sadness, pure and simple.
Sadness could be fixed,
Sadness doesn't need medication.
But sadness could last forever.
A soul stuck in a world that it doesn't belong,
A place where it was never meant to be.
That's how I feel.
I don't belong.
I never belonged.
I am missing a part of me,
The part that fills the dark hole in my chest.
A hole that reminds me of loneliness,
No matter what, it'll always be there.
And maybe that's the cause of this
Chemical imbalance
The possible ****** up part of my brain.
The flaw that can be fixed with drugs.
The flaw that is my mind.
Maybe I'll be okay
But then maybe I won't.

Hi Syria,

How are you feeling today?
I've heard so much about you
How strong you are
Enduring six years of illness
And counting
Of how high spirited you've remained
Watching children play in the
Midst of turmoil;
Indiscriminate shelling
Heard of the many chemical baths
You've been subjected to
Assad believing you have
Cancerous cells
Needing to be exterminated
Not realizing HE is
The cancer and you;
You the victim
How I wish I could help you heal
From your trauma

Yet I heard an injection
Was given you today
With the hope
The chemical baths can end
Because it is killing you
Slowly rotting
Destroying your body
Taking away your beauty
The side effect of corruption
How beautiful you once were
How long will it take you to heal?
I wish for peace of mind
And a healthy future for you
Syria

From JM 4/7/17

THE SYRIAN REBELS HAVE
USED A CHEMICAL ATTACK
CIVILIAN WOMEN AND CHILDREN
WERE UNDER THE RACK


A CHEMICAL WEAPON WAS
USED ON THE INNOCENT CHILDREN
THE BRUTAL REALITY OF THE CIVIL WAR
MAY NEVER REACH A CONCLUSION


A PLACE OF HEALING AND AN AIRSTRIKE
WAS LAUNCHED ON A HOSPITAL
WHAT AN ATROCITY AND DISGRACE
HOW COULD THIS BE POSSIBLE


A NERVE AGENT ATTACK BY
THE SYRIAN GOVERNMENT
THE WORLD IS DISCUSSED


THE U.N. THE WORLD LEADERS
SHOULD STOP THIS ATROCITY
RETALIATION IS A MUST

bodies are galaxies;
and within ours
constellations
go all rogue in seconds,
talking to each other
without
permission and consent;
without our knowledge;
there is a plot
behind our backs,
a conspiracy
of unexplored possibilities;
and like plastic dolls
at the hands of gods
we are drawn so close,
a clash ensues
of comfort zones
with the aid of gravity;
we'll regain control,
of course,
just before impact

Tar

Nothing will remain un-inked;
Wounds bleed and
feelings can ****
and that is why
everything must spill.
I can't keep this pent up fire
caged inside my mouth,
the anger, the unfairness of it all
erodes my teeth.

Your medicine wasn't
medicine at all;
more like subtle attempts of
mutilation than a velleity.
And your arms felt like home,
until all love left them,
and they felt like smoke
enveloping me;
you never made it easier to live,
right next to you I couldn't breathe.

I will not miss you because
there is no place safer than
inside the skin
I've slowly learned to love,
inside eroding flesh, eroding cells,
someday I will possess
a brand new vessel,
a stranger to your hell.

And when you'll come knocking
Your utterances will have no gravity;
You cannot heal scars
with a mouth that exhales tar.
You exhale and what your breath
touches falls prey to decay -  
*I wish to remain.